Disclaimer: I don't own them
Well this is the last chapter. Sort of. I'm terribly sorry this is taking so long. but it will all be over soon. I just love what you wrote Amanda about an unsatisfying ending and no sequel. I'll try not to do that, but I probably will.
Forget about the fight to wear the crown of scars Cause you've already won Forget the pain and leave tears behind you Bury underneath your feet the remains Of what's been left behind Cause you have got a long, long way to run
Ginny opened her eyes carefully, slowly letting the light filter through her eyelashes. Her whole body ached and she could feel her head throb with every beat of her heart, but those sensations came as a relief to her fever stricken self. It meant that the potion that Madame Pomfrey had given her earlier had finally worn off and she could think without the sweet purple haze of medication.
The first feeling that assaulted her was an ache and a longing that drowned out everything else. It built up inside like water behind a dam, compressing her chest until she couldn't breathe. but tears. tears wouldn't fall anymore. She knew she couldn't cry anymore than she could laugh. Since the moment Harry told her Draco was gone she had cried and cried, but now her eyes had stopped working and all that was left was the dull pulsing ache that slowly carved her hollow. She thought of her knife sitting somewhere in the dorms and of the dozen little blades that lined her pockets, portfolios, and shoes. To bleed. that would be wonderful right now. That would be Heaven at Hell's gate
'What would I cut?' she thought 'His name, everywhere. I'd split every single piece of skin he ever toughed. I'd cut a dragon, somewhere, maybe. I'd make it all bleed until it looked like my body was a patch work quilt or a park tree. I'd make my body a storybook where you could read the tale of a sick broken little girl and her dragon.'
But even as she thought of all the tangled pain she wanted to inflict on her skinny body she knew she couldn't muster up the strength to do it. It wasn't physical weakness. it was emotional drain. You had to feel to cut and she couldn't feel anything right now except a throbbing head and emptiness.
It hurt so much worse than the physical pain.
She tried to make herself feel. In her mind she went over ever moment of the night before, what he had said, what he hadn't said, where he had touched and how. anything at all to bring back feeling to herself. But it was sucked in the vortex of emptiness that drained her soul.
'If it stays like this then I'm dead already,' she thought.
Taking a deep breath she pulled herself up slowly and began to exam her wrist closely, following the blue veins that twisted up her arm. Under those blue rivers were red ones that pulsed and throbbed pushing her life force through her body. 'I wonder,' she thought 'what would happen if at will you could make your heart stop beating. How many people would die in a day? Would Draco have killed himself that way?'
But it didn't matter because Draco was gone anyways. He had left at night in the rain.
How had he left? It was a thought that hadn't occurred to her in her misery, but now that she contemplated it, he would have had to have left on foot, or with his broom. But there were flying regulations to be thought of if you flew at night and he wouldn't have wanted to contend with that so he would have gone on foot. Alone. In the rain.
How long would it be before he was missed? No time at all she realized. Even if his absence was ignored early in the morning there was no way that people would take no notice if he didn't appear for breakfast. Suddenly she began to panic. If the school noticed that he was gone, search parties would be sent out and they would drag him back to the hands of danger. She couldn't let that happen, but the reality was what could she do? Her fever was returning she could tell and that meant the Madame Pomfrey would soon be in to sedate her again. But she didn't know what time it was or how much time she had to do anything. Still she had to think of something, if only as a last stand for him to show that what she had felt was real. But who to talk to? The Headmaster? It made sense, but the idea of meeting the man face to face again intimidated her to no end and how would she go about contacting him? An easier choice was Professor McGonagal, but she wasn't sure the Head of the Gryffindor house would understand, or believe Ginny's story if she told it. Then it hit her. Snape. He was Slytherin but was accepted by everyone as one of the 'good guys' at least in the war against the Dark Lord and his followers. Ginny cringed at the idea of speaking to Snape, but the situation was not one to give into childish weaknesses.
That decision made, she threw off the covers and was getting ready to crawl out of bed when Madame Pomfrey came bustling in. Upon seeing Ginny half out of bed she rushed over and stated firmly, "Young lady I don't know what you think you are doing but you can just erase any idea of getting out of that bed until you are fully healed."
Ginny rolled her eyes and said angrily, "Please do not mollycoddle me! I have a cold not a terminal illness and I have to see someone urgently---"
"You'll be seeing no one, miss. Get yourself back in that bed before I put a body freeze on you."
"Madame Pomfrey, please. This is important. Someone's life is at stake. I need to speak to Professor Snape right now."
But Madame Pomfrey did not look even vaguely phased. Instead she said in her gentlest voice, "Miss Weasley, darling, you have a very bad infection and you need rest. I want you to just take this sedative---"
"No!" shouted Ginny suddenly outraged; the placating tone Madame Pomfrey was using reminded her too vividly of her family. "I won't take anything until you bring me Professor Snape or let me go to him!"
Madame Pomfrey came forward and gently took Ginny by the shoulders, a movement that cause Ginny's hospital gown to slip off her shoulders exposing a trail of scars over her upper arms and leading to her chest. Unconsciously both doctor and patient looked at the markings and then at each other. There was no way for Madame Pomfrey to hide what she saw from her face or lessen the awkwardness of the situation. So instead she pretended that nothing happened and spoke again in that gentle placid voice, "Virginia, darling, climb back in bed and we'll see---"
"NO!" snapped Ginny jerking out of her grip. Frustration made her impatient and fever, irrational. "I'm telling you woman, get Professor Snape now, or I'll get him myself!"
The medic jumped at the raw feeling emitting from this usually quiet girl. Madame Pomfrey debated her options. Obviously she was serious---perhaps high strung from the fever--- but nonetheless very serious. She could argue or force the medication down her, but she was greatly opposed to such actions. In the situation it seemed to make more sense to placate the girl then drive her to violence. thinking along that stream brought her back to the scars that littered this poor girl's skin.
"Alright then. I'll get Professor Snape but you remain here in bed and wait. Understood?"
Ginny nodded, climbing back under the covers. As the doctor retreated Ginny fell back against the over stuffed pillows exhausted but the burst of energy she had displayed. She needed to stay focused for when Snape arrived.
It seemed like ages before Ginny heard footsteps approaching her bed. Drawing her courage around her like a protective blanket she tried to capture that expression of apathy that Draco had mastered, but failed utterly so that when Snape entered the room, impatient and sneering he saw before him a pale frighten red head, with a look of such imploring that he almost stopped still in his gait.
He had never liked Virgina Weasely. He hated the Weaselys generally and since he had begun teaching at the school it seemed there was a never ending supply of them. one finally graduated only for three more to appear. All of them bothered him to no end, that stuff shirt Percy, those abominable twins and then the reckless side kick of Harry Potter, Ron. But the youngest of them, the tiny red headed girl inspired a level of bitterness in him that forced him to ignore her completely for fear that if he acknowledged her at all he would be so severe to her that it would back- fire on him. Of course it slipped out occasionally; that was to be expected and he knew very well that she not only hated him but feared him also, which was why he was surprised and annoyed when Pomfrey had come to him insisting that he come away directly to see her, even though the staff was meeting to discuss the disappearance of Draco Malfoy.
But there she was in front of him and her looked reminded him too much of other people he wanted to forget about entirely.
"What do you want? Why have I been called away from urgent business to deal with you?" the contempt in his voice was actually tangible, but Ginny was by this point too desperate to let it daunt her.
"Professor Snape, do they know that Draco is missing yet?" she asked.
Snape raised an eyebrow at her question. It was his understanding that she had been ill since early morning, how would she have known?
"News travels quickly in this building," he said in disgust. "Draco Malfoy is missing, but it is no concern of yours."
"Yes it is. He's running away to-" "Join the Deatheaters. Yes that is the main suspicion but I don't see why--- " "NO!" she shouted "No that's not it at all. He's running away from them. they were-are-coming here to take him, by his father's orders and he thought the only way he could escape was to run away---"
Snape to a few long strides quickly towards her, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"What?! That's ridiculous! For whatever reason Malfoy has run off for I assure you it's not to escape his own father-"
"No you don't understand," she insisted, hearing her voice rise in agitation. "His mother wrote him and told him they were coming yesterday and he couldn't stay because he just couldn't be forced to join all those monsters---"
Quite unexpectedly Snape placed his hand on her forehead muttering, "Feverish. Just as I suspected. You're delusional." "I AM NOT!" "Miss Weasely-" "LISTEN TO ME! You have to or else he'll be killed or worse! I thought you'd understand. he told you loved someone like me once."
At her words Snape froze mid sneer and simply stared at the girl. Seeing she had caught his attention Ginny pushed forward. "He said you had been in love and that was why you left in the first rising. And I thought. I thought you'd understand, why."
The look on Snape's face was a cruel mixture of horror, disbelief, and rage all tinted with a sort of coldness that made Ginny think of the times Draco said he was doomed to end up just like the embittered potions master.
When he spoke his voice had an ice to it's tone that reminded Ginny so much of Draco her soul cringed. "How do you know this? ANY of this? You start from the beginning and tell me just exactly what happened to Malfoy." "Oh, there's not time for that-" "You can start NOW."
Ginny let herself fall back on to the bed weary and jittery at the same time and in as few words as possible explained to Snape about her complicated relationship with Draco. Skipping details entirely as well as how and why they met on the level they did, she told him about how he had changed, not on a the surface or even on a base level but in some fundamental way that made joining the Deatheaters impossible.
At the end of the short narration Snape just stood there shocked and still looking at Ginny first and then at some point beyond her.
After a moment he snapped back to reality and focused so acutely on her that she was tempted to turn away. Instead she said, "Please, PLEASE make them help him. If not directly, then at least shield him until he can get further away. Please."
"It will be taken care of, I promise," he said and without another word turned around and left.
When he left the room Ginny felt an incredible weight lift off of her. Somehow she had made Snape understand and she had done everything in her power to at least buy Draco some time. Now if she could just get rid of that all consuming emptiness eating away at her maybe she could stop fighting to breathe.
Ginny barely noticed when Madame Pomfrey came in and poured another dose of elixir down her throat. She didn't respond to the medic's cheerful attitude or her forced delicate comments. She waited patiently for the medicine to works it's magic and shut down her conscious mind so she could rest in peace.
Harry returned that afternoon to see what had happened to Ginny and to find Ron who had not left the infirmary that morning, even under pain of a detention. When he entered the waiting room he found his friend hunched over in a chair, his head dangling down.
"Oi, Ron, " he called out "How are you? Still here? Can we see her yet?"
Ron look up slowly and gave Harry a thin smile. "Pomfrey says her fever is down. Just an infection made worse by stress. She says Ginny will be out in a few days at the latest. "
Harry dumped his books and sat down next to his friend. "That's brilliant!" he said enthusiastically. But Ron just nodded, a blank almost despairing look sweeping across his face.
Harry didn't understand Ron's attitude, but he knew better than to confront him on it. Ron would talk when he wanted to. Harry just leaned back contented to sit in silence when Ron said, "You know, don't you?"
Harry started. "Know what?" Ron looked at him with a mixture of anger over ruled by fear. "You know what's wrong with Ginny don't you?"
Harry swallowed, trying to get rid of the sudden rock which appeared in his throat. "Didn't Madame Pomfrey say she just had an infection?"
"Harry you know that's not what I'm talking about. You saw them. You saw them and you didn't look at all surprised."
"Ron, calm down." "Calm down?!" barked Ron with sudden fury. But it died on his lips quickly. Returning to his strained semi-panic voice he said, "She's covered in scars, Harry. Not scratches, not from falling down or getting caught in thorns or from the cat. Deliberate scars." his breath hitched then and he stopped talking. After a moment's silence he said, "Harry, tell me what the bloody hell is going on."
Harry stared at Ron speechless. What on earth was he supposed to do now? Ron was his best friend, but he knew had no right to further interfere with Ginny's life. Shaking his head slowly he said, "Ron, you're talking to the wrong person. If you think something's wrong with Ginny, you need to speak to her, not me."
Judging by the expression that passed across Ron's face Harry figured he had been expecting just that reply. He open his mouth to say something to Harry but just then Madame Pomfrey breezed in smelling of medicine and chocolate. As soon as she came in Ron jumped up saying, "Can we see her yet?"
But Madame Pomfrey shook her head. "Ginny says she doesn't want to see anyone right now."
"But I'm her brother! Surely I can-" "No, you can't. I want her resting as it is and if she doesn't want visitors, then she'll get none." Her tone softened. "But don't you worry over her, she'll be right as rain in no time at all. Just go back to your classes boys and you'll see her soon enough."
Ron started to protest but Harry stopped him from yelling. He tried to pull his overstrained friend back towards the door, when, of all people, Snape strode into the infirmary.
With out looking at the boys he spoke to Madame Pomfrey. "I need to speak to her now. Is her fever down?"
Madame Pomfrey looked quickly between the stern professor and the dumbfounded boys, but trying to keep a neutral face she said, "Of course. right this way." And with that she led Snape refusing to look back.
Naturally Ron snapped. "My sister is sick, my best friend won't tell me what's wrong with her, I can't visit her, but Snape can? What's wrong with everyone?"
Harry cringed and began to stutter something at Ron, but Ron shrugged him off and left the room leaving Harry standing all alone in the infirmary. Sighing in defeat he too picked up his things and left.
Will you fall against the wall that you have built With your own hands When you trip upon the thorns that you have tied Your legs together with When you walk upon thin ice you know you should Not be walking Why do you wonder why that you fell through
When Snape left her, Ginny finally felt like for the first time since she had awoken she could breathe. He believed her and he said it was being 'handled'. That was all she could ask for, in fact she was thrilled that they had believe Draco was anything more than a common criminal. So now the panic was over and she had time to think over what had happened since December. For a moment she laughed. It occurred to her that since Draco had dragged her in from the cold she never sat down to analyze everything that had changed, not just since the mess with Goyle, but in the last year when she had first picked up a knife to deal with her problems.
"And how is my little patient?"
Ginny looked up and saw Madame Pomfrey hovering over her. It seemed that the medic would never leave her alone.
"Sorry to disturb your thoughtful reverie, but it's time to check your temperature and see how your responding to potion I gave you."
Ginny sighed patiently, "I'm doing fine. My fever's down, I'm sure."
But Madame Pomfrey clucked her tongue and bustled about, taking unnecessary measurements until she had almost worn Ginny's patience through. Right when Ginny was almost going to directly ask her to leave, she turned around and sat down gently at the foot of the bed. The artificial sugar coated look dissolved and was replaced by one of genuine concern. Speaking carefully she said, "Virginia darling, I'm afraid I need to speak with you and I know you're not going to be pleased."
Ginny felt her heart accelerate.
"Virginia, my job as head of this infirmary is not only to treat the sick. I am to look out for their physical and mental welfare. Now you have been in here only twice this past year. but I have seen you closely on both times and I'm worried about you."
She paused waiting for her patient to respond, but Ginny didn't have a clue which card to play. Innocent? Secretive? Happy? Unhappy? Should she pretend to just miss the point? Instinctively she said, "I'm fine, just tired."
It sounded lame even to her and Madame Pomfrey gave her a patient but scrutinizing look that made her blush.
"Virginia, we could go around in circles. We could both pretend that we don't know what the other is thinking but I have learned that that particular approach to a problem is rarely constructive."
"I don't have problem!" protested Ginny breathless.
Madame Pomfrey raised her hand, stemming a stream of defense from her patient.
"Virginia let me put this to you a clearly as I can. If I have a suspicion that a student at this school is in any sort of trouble I have a sworn duty to inform the Headmaster and he may decide to inform the person's parents, with or without their consent." Ginny's eyes grew as big as saucers at her words. "But before I do that I want to talk to you. Alone. No one else will ever know what we talk about. Now the choice is yours."
Ginny looked at Madame Pomfrey in defeat. Denying was now obviously useless. but how could she divulge her deepest secrets to a total stranger? Still the threat with her parents over rode everything. The idea of them knowing about her. about what she did. that was unacceptable.
"Alright. We'll talk. But you CANNOT go to Professor Dumbledore and you can't tell me parents. You have to promise." The doctor nodded silently. "But please Madame Pomfrey can it wait until a little bit later? There are so many things I have to sort out today. Release me from here this morning and tonight we can talk, is that alright?"
Madame Pomfrey gave a genuine smile of relief. "That's fine. I'll be here all night. ANY time you like, you just come here and we'll talk. I'll get you a pass, so that you can be out after hours without Filch bothering you. Now about your release."
"Madame, you know I'm fine. I just over taxed my system, but all I really have is a cold."
The medic looked Ginny over carefully then finally relented. "Alright. I'll let you out."
"Thank you. Oh and could you do me one more favor? Please don't tell anyone you've released me until late this evening. I need some time alone."
Madame Pomfrey caught Ginny's face in her hands, her expression over flooded with warm sympathy. "I'll do that. But remember, tonight I'll be waiting for you."
Once she was dressed and out of the infirmary Ginny was left standing outside the doorway with no place to go. She was tired of drifting off in some direction with no focus. This time she was choosing her course and following it through.
Thirteen minutes later she was sitting on Draco's bed in that private room he had hidden away in the Slytherin halls. She had detoured to get Persephone and now the both of them were occupying the space that enclosed so many odd moments of her recent life.
Her blade was in between her hands.
A perfectly sharpened piece of silver with a twisted handle of woven fairies, no bigger than the palm of her hand. It was so beautiful and so deadly. She wondered silently why she had bought it originally. She had not been cutting at the time. But when she saw the knife she had felt drawn to it like it had been made for her.
Draco's blade was beside her as well.
It was copper and also very sharp, molded like a dragon it could pass for a paperweight until you pressed the eye. Then the blade shot out like the forked tongue of lizard. If you weren't careful it would cut you just by not moving your hand fast enough. It was dangerous by default, but it was so carefully crafted that in it's own twisted way it was beautiful. When had Draco gotten his hands on it? she wondered. She had never thought to ask him. But it was his choice for release.
When she lined the two blades next to each other she felt something twist inside her painfully. They didn't even look pretty together. They didn't balance one another or set off some charming picture, but they were the exact same thing in two different molds. That was the truth of what she and Draco had been. One person in two different molds. In her mind she could see the two of them together. There had been love there and so much pain. Even when he had finally held her, touch her, kissed her, it had all been twisted with unspeakable hurt. She wondered silently if she had gone with him how long it would have taken for all that emotion to consume her; two consume them both.
"If I had left with Draco, Perse, he would have hurt me again and again." she whispered to Persephone. The kitten meowed and began to rub up against her thigh.
"He would have pushed me away, then drawn me so close I wouldn't have been able to breathe and then lashed out."
Persephone began to butt her head gently against her mistress.
"And I would have forgiven him every time."
Ginny picked up the kitten she had named after a goddess cursed to live between two worlds because she loved the Under Lord.
"I bet he's far away now. Dumbledore is probably helping him secretly and he won't even know it. I bet those Death eaters will never find him."
Persephone had relaxed in her lap and was purring in a ball of fluff.
"Of course I could be wrong. They might catch him and kill him today. Nothing is ever for sure."
Ginny pulled up the purring fur ball and looked her in the eye. "Do you know Perse, He completed me. He filled up every empty space I had in me and everything he touched inside me hurt so much, but it was wonderful. wonderful being that filled.
"I think after awhile you stop understanding anything that's not painful. I think, Perse, that's what happened to Draco. If it's real it's supposed to hurt. I think that's what would have happened to me if he had stayed. or if I had left. Just one long life of love and hurt. There is so much in him that isn't healed. And now he's gone off all alone and I can't save him or keep him safe."
She hadn't realized that tears were slipping down her nose until Persephone meowed at the wet, penetrating her coat. Salty tears that leaked unchecked and hurt to cry out. But she didn't give in to racking sobs. She just let the tears fall and thought back further than Draco and Goyle back to that first day in the summer. And then she laughed out loud.
"Can you believe it Perse? All this started because I broke down over Harry kissing Cho."
The idea that at one time that had seemed so important to her was comical at the moment. Standing up slowly, Ginny was suddenly caught with an idea. Walking over to a full length mirror that was beside an over turned cupboard she began to undress slowly, revealing in layers her body as it was. She stood there alone, naked, skinny, freckled and scarred. It was the body of a small framed sixteen year old girl who had loved, lost, hurt, and healed. Even the scars, as blatant and ugly as some of them were, were healed wounds. She traced over the three slashes Draco had left on her. They were beginning to itch. She had a mad urge to scratch them until they were torn open again and bleeding, but instead she just rubbed them gently. It was time she knew to just let them heal with the others. The swelling had left her split lip and the hickeys on her neck were fading. It would all fade eventually with time and she would be left with the memory. Because she realized staring at her dissatisfactory body that they were all her memories. Her experiences that she didn't have to borrow from anyone else. She, Ginny Weasly, had a story all of her own that she didn't have to share with anyone, but which she could share if she wanted to. Draco had given her that much freely.
Ginny got dressed again and looked around the room carefully. It was a wreck, which was strange because Draco was meticulously neat. He must have been in a hurry, she thought. Of course he had been, he was trying to run away. Thoughtlessly she began to pick up the scattered clothing and fold them all neatly. With every possession that she picked up she felt like a piece of him was being put back in place. There was something soothing about the mindlessness of cleaning. Somewhere in the middle of it she began crying softly again, but she didn't even notice it really. Eventually, she felt herself relax as she picked up Draco's things, making herself remember exactly how he had kept them. She stayed that way for the better part of a half an hour, folding, dusting and rearranging, before the creaking of the door startled her.
"Ginny? Are you here?"
Of course it was Harry.
"You found me," she said softly not looking up from her work.
"I went to the infirmary and Madame Pomfrey said you didn't want visitors. But it seemed strange that they would keep you so long for just a fever, so I guessed you might have been released and that you were hiding."
"Did it occur to you that IF I was hiding maybe, I didn't want to be found?"
Harry winced. ".Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"I'm fine."
Silence.
"So do you want me to go?" asked Harry nervously after a moment. "Yes," she answered. But he didn't make any move of leaving. Instead he said, "Ron's worried sick, Gin. He saw the scars and he asked me about them. He---"
"I'll deal with my family in my own time Harry," she said firmly. Her tone was so placid it unnerved him. He stepped forward awkwardly and laid a hand on her shoulder which she shrugged off. "Gin, are you sure---"
"Harry, I'm going to finish cleaning this room. Then I have to go and speak with Madame Pomfrey for awhile. Then I will go to the common room and have a talk with my big brother. After that I'm going to bed and I'm sleeping until my body decides to wake up again. Harry--- Draco's gone. He's not coming back. I'm here and I'm staying here. Life goes on. Now please, let me finish this so that my talk with Ron is not delayed until the middle of the night."
Harry opened his mouth to say something but then thought the better of it. As he watched her take up her wand and began to whisper charms moving things to their proper places the same sensation hit him that struck him the night he walked into her in the common room surrounded by fire sprites.
"It's happened again," he said to himself, but she heard and looked up, throwing him a questioning look. "You've changed again," he explained. "I thought you had grown up the day I saw the first time with the fire sprites, but now you've changed again and it's different. Are you sure you're going to be alright?"
His concern for her was so genuine that she smiled at him, very sadly and said, "No. I'm not sure of anything. But I'm alive and I'm going to keep on living. That's the best answer I can give you."
Then he nodded and left the room.
When Ginny was finished she took a satisfied look around the room and happen to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror again. Quite suddenly an idea hit her and after she search for a few minutes she found a pair of scissors. Without stopping to think she took hold of her hair and began to cut off the long tresses. When she was done the waist length hair was cut up to her chin. Looking at herself in the mirror she was surprised at how different she looked. It felt good somehow, like her physical appearance reflected the change that had taken place inside her. Of course she hadn't done the best job. she'd have to find someone to even it out for her later, and her mother would throw a tantrum when she saw it, but all that didn't matter at all. Harry was right: she wasn't the same girl and she wanted it to show.
I know you laugh And show tears Smile down at your fears From where you are From way up here You know nothing's ever looked so good Nothing ever looked so good
It was late in the evening when Ginny finally finished with Madame Pomfrey. It had been a tiring experience, but not as bad as she had originally thought. Madame Pomfrey had begun by complimenting her hair and offering to even it out, an offer Ginny had accepted. After she had felt more relaxed, the doctor had asked her why she cut her hair and that led to the cutting. To continue to deny that she cut herself was pointless, so when the medic asked her how long she had been abusing herself she didn't bother to lie. Ginny began trying to sugar coat what she could, but Madame Pomfrey was so subtle and so persistent that she found herself revealing more than she intended about her frustrations at home though she skipped everything related to Draco and Harry. In fairness Madame Pomfrey was very gentle and if she hit a sore spot she would drop the topic immediately. And when they were done, after Madame Pomfrey had insisted that they talk again, she had said something that had continued to play on Ginny's mind.
"You know, after all Virginia, always remember that you are only sixteen years old. You are so young right now. and you have your entire life left to live. Right now it's just beginning, it has years and years left to improve. You still have so much time left to find happiness."
When Ginny entered the common room that night no one was up except Ron who was sitting pensively on a chair. When he saw her he jumped up saying "Where were you?" and then "What did you do to your hair?"
"I was tired of it," she answered, shrugging. "I needed a change." He nodded smiling. "It looks great. Mum's going to pitch a fit, but really it suits your face wonderfully."
But then he got that grave look on his face and the strained thin panic look clouded his eyes as he took her by the shoulders. He didn't bother mincing words either. "Ginny, you're my sister. And before I say anything I KNOW I'm a useless brother on all accounts." he ignored her protests lithely " But I have noticed that you've been unhappy of late, that's clear. And I saw the scars- --" his voice cracked there and she actually saw tears well up in his eyes. But he got a hold of himself quickly and said, "Tell me everything Ginny, please. I need you to be honest and please don't leave off details. I know you like Charlie best---" again he ignored her protests "But try and tell me what's going on." She tried to dissuade him, making up poor excuses for the scars, all of which he brushed aside without a second thought. She didn't want to tell him, but the look of anguish is his face began to wear her down until he finally said, "Is it because I don't love you enough? Is that why you do this to yourself?"
That broke her will entirely and the whole story came out like a damn bursting. She had meant to only explain the cutting but it went deeper than that and her frustration over Harry and details about Goyle and Draco followed subsequently. It was the first time she had told the entire story to anyone and in some ways it was a huge relief, as if the weight of the world was lifted off her shoulders. But deep into their talk Ron had stopped interrupting and asking questions and now he just sat silently watching her. It took her a moment to realize that her brother was crying.
The first thing he said was, "Oh, Ginny. Ginny I'm so sorry."
"Ron it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It all just happened."
"But, Goyle and DRACO MALFOY! And I wasn't anywhere to help you---"
"Don't you understand? You CAN'T help me. I have to help myself. You, the family, Harry, I know you people love me, but I have to deal with this on my own."
Ron swallowed and shook his head in wonder. "What am I going to tell mum and dad?" "NOTHING!" she gasped quickly. "You can't tell them Ron you can't! You have to promise me PLEASE don't tell them, they won't be able to handle it---"
"Shh, calm down, alright? I won't tell I promise, I promised at the beginning. But Ginny, I don't know how I'm going to help you; or what I can do."
Ginny was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "I don't know. I don't know what I want, forget what I actually need. It's all so complicated. I feel like every single thing in my life has completely shattered. I've really hit rock bottom. About the only thing that could possibly make things worse would be if the uprising everyone is talking about were to happen tomorrow. I'm in the dust. but in a way it means the only way I have to move is up. I'm still trying to get my head to stop spinning, Ron I can't tell you what to do. Just. be patient with me okay? And if I'm upset for awhile, well, just let me be."
Then Ron reached forward and grabbed her up in tight embrace that she returned.
"You just remember Ginny, that I love you, that we all love you and that whatever you need, you can come to us." She wasn't sure if there was any reality in that statement or if she would ever reach a point when she could go them with her problems. but still it was nice to know that the offer was opened if she were to choose to take it.
As Ginny had original expected it was the wee hours of the morning before she finally made it to bed. She was exhausted beyond all measures, so naturally she couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, but beyond that trying to get used to the emptiness in her head. She had always used the rhythm of Draco's emotions to rock herself to sleep when she was too high strung to relax and now all that was left was a hollowness that seemed to echo in her mind. What was worse was that occasionally she would get a wisp of what they had for a brief second but it would disappear before she could grapple it, leaving her high and dry.
Finally she gave up and climbed out of bed to slink off in the dark. Somehow every place around her felt confined and suffocating and inadvertently she found herself heading for the grounds. Being ever watchful of Filch she crept outside relishing the night breeze that blew over the grass. Staring around at the blue-black surroundings of night she remembered other nights that she had brought Draco out to see the night life of the little people she loved so much. They came to her now even without her calling, simply sensing her presence, swirling before her eyes like a thousand tiny lights. Her consciousness dimmed and she let herself float in a semi-present state, trying to focus on being absent form her surroundings.
Draco. she knew he was gone, but she needed something, some sort of assurance that at least for now he was alright. If only there was some sort of sign. Reaching in her mind she sought out their link for one last time. She had almost given up when she caught something, a wisp that slipped through her head and she grabbed hold of it mentally before it vanished. The connection was so fine it was almost non existent but summoning all her mental power she tried to project her love, fear and concern into one question over their link and then release it to him.
She waited. But nothing happened.
Of course nothing happened. Harry had dissolved the link and the ghosts of it that remained in her head weren't real. She stood up hurt, empty and dejected making her way back to the dorm before Filch caught her.
That's when it hit her.
An emotion so strong it knocked her off her feet and made her knees buckle. It was one sweeping wave of comfort, warmth and love all mingled with that ever-present trickle of pain. And she knew then that where ever he was, Draco, for now, was alright.
And it was enough to begin with.
But now you dance the rest of the way And you don't look back Can you hear that angel singing As you rise
Now you fly away And you don't look down now And you laugh til you can't laugh any longer As you watch your chains fall to the ground
THE BEGINNING
Halleluiah!!!! It's done.
Do you guys REALLY want an epilogue? OK: You guys ask all your questions about the story or anything at all you want to know and I promise I'll answer everything in one LONG Author's note before I say goodbye again for another age.
I just everyone to know that this has been the grueling writing experience of my life, but getting to know you guys in the process has made it fantastic. Thank you sooo much because you'll never know how much you've helped me.
To every cutter who has stopped cutting, may you stay strong and be hope for the rest of us. To every cutter reading this who hasn't stopped. you're not alone and the best we can do is pray it will get better. To those of you who don't cut. Don't ever start. It's as addictive as heroin and it's not worth the pain it relieves.
Mediterranean Queen:
Honey, NO SEQUEL. Not for a thousand bucks or even a promise by JK Rowling that Ginny and Draco DO get together in the book. well matbe for that. I just can't muster up the strength. But I hope this ending is *cough* satisfactory. I mean she doesn't die.
dani800: okay you've peaked my interest. any way I could read any of the science fiction you write? (I love that genre) and I'd like to see your work. I don't have a lot of time to read, cus I've been working against time to finish this and THAT has progressed slow enough as it is.
Nightangel: How you manage to pick out my FAVORITE songs ALL the time amazes me. As for 'Here to stay' I taped that off the radio like two days before you reviewed. Okay about your friend. I'll say something and I'm sure some people will find this offensive, but if you accidentally see someone's scars it probably means they won't someone to know. I mean if you don't want your scars to show you either cover them up or you don't cut places people can see. People who cut words on their arms and then wear short sleeves are asking for help. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Sometimes people just need a helping hand. And NO I'm not accusing her of wanting attention, she probably just wants someone to acknowledge that she's in pain. That's okay. Talk to her. But as for you. are You okay? Hope so. and I hope you're enjoying this story.
myself:
HEY!! Thanx sssssssssssoooooooooo much for reviewing my other work! It was such a surprise. I'm glad you liked the work. I started writing under nobody important after last summer when my life kinda shattered. I wanted to dissociate myself from Opaque. but I came back again to write this. Again there is NO such thing as a review that's too long. I'm glad I make you feel better. nice to know I do someone some good. that kinda makes you a first. I know what it feels like, that feeling like you got no friends, I was making a list of friends that I would invite to my wedding. I couldn't come up with ten people. That's really sad. Anyways (no I'm not getting married right now) Sometimes it hurts, cus my mom knows I cut and that I'm bulimic but it's like she doesn't see how much I hurt. Like those things don't matter. Anyways, if I did get married I'd invite you and as soon I have finished up the epilogue I'm going to check out all your work. :)
Diamond Tears: Thanks for the support. it means much more than you realize.
Butterflye-forlorne:
All things you said about writing were very sweet. totally exaggerated, but it sure made me feel good. I don't want to write professionally, I just want to please my reviewers here and if I've done that then I'm happy. Controlled cutting is of course better than uncontrolled-cutting and I respect you for being able to keep to it. I go in waves, depends on how much is going on in my life. Right now this is the WORST time of year for me, but hey, slip slip slash I'll make it through. Hmmm. about your friend: Like I said before, if she's let you see the scars then she's inadvertently asking for help. But how do you except to help her without letting on that you do the same thing? That's tricky. Just ask her about them and see her reaction. If she gets upset, leave it alone. But she probably wants someone to talk to. I know I'm not much help but I totally flipped out when my friend started cutting. But then she had known before that I was a cutter and then she started so I felt responsible. hell I still think I am. Anyways, I wrote this poem called 'shared pain' under nobody important. you might understand it. Btw, I also happen to like the song Smoke, even though I'm not a Natalie fan, in fact :) I'm listening to it now.
Darker Child:
Hey! How ya been? I'm so tired these days. I got exams all over the place and so much studying and NO time. I swear all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wait for it all to pass. But how about you? How are your friends and school? Is it getting any better? Ah. 28 days. I love that movie (Viggo Mortensen, YES) I know exactly how you feel. like if something doesn't change soon your gonna have to screw up to speed things along. Maybe that's not the right way to say it, it's more like that song Drift and Die, like we're all living, but we're all dieing as well and some days it seems more like we're dieing slow then living fast. Thanx for reviewing my poems under 'nobody important'. They mean much much more to me than you can suspect. Me, I'm doing okay. I'm fighting this whole weight battle with my mom though. she found out I was bulimic it's been one long battle since then and it's driving me crazy. She won't help me and she won't leave me alone either, but hey gimme a blade and some ipecac and I'll be fine. Yuck, that sounds psycho. oh well.
Black Dragon:
Let me put it to you gently. I WANT TO SEE THE DAMN DRAWINGS!!! Okay? You got my curiosity perked.
Debra:
Hey, nice to see you again! Glad you like the story, glad you understand.
Well this is the last chapter. Sort of. I'm terribly sorry this is taking so long. but it will all be over soon. I just love what you wrote Amanda about an unsatisfying ending and no sequel. I'll try not to do that, but I probably will.
Forget about the fight to wear the crown of scars Cause you've already won Forget the pain and leave tears behind you Bury underneath your feet the remains Of what's been left behind Cause you have got a long, long way to run
Ginny opened her eyes carefully, slowly letting the light filter through her eyelashes. Her whole body ached and she could feel her head throb with every beat of her heart, but those sensations came as a relief to her fever stricken self. It meant that the potion that Madame Pomfrey had given her earlier had finally worn off and she could think without the sweet purple haze of medication.
The first feeling that assaulted her was an ache and a longing that drowned out everything else. It built up inside like water behind a dam, compressing her chest until she couldn't breathe. but tears. tears wouldn't fall anymore. She knew she couldn't cry anymore than she could laugh. Since the moment Harry told her Draco was gone she had cried and cried, but now her eyes had stopped working and all that was left was the dull pulsing ache that slowly carved her hollow. She thought of her knife sitting somewhere in the dorms and of the dozen little blades that lined her pockets, portfolios, and shoes. To bleed. that would be wonderful right now. That would be Heaven at Hell's gate
'What would I cut?' she thought 'His name, everywhere. I'd split every single piece of skin he ever toughed. I'd cut a dragon, somewhere, maybe. I'd make it all bleed until it looked like my body was a patch work quilt or a park tree. I'd make my body a storybook where you could read the tale of a sick broken little girl and her dragon.'
But even as she thought of all the tangled pain she wanted to inflict on her skinny body she knew she couldn't muster up the strength to do it. It wasn't physical weakness. it was emotional drain. You had to feel to cut and she couldn't feel anything right now except a throbbing head and emptiness.
It hurt so much worse than the physical pain.
She tried to make herself feel. In her mind she went over ever moment of the night before, what he had said, what he hadn't said, where he had touched and how. anything at all to bring back feeling to herself. But it was sucked in the vortex of emptiness that drained her soul.
'If it stays like this then I'm dead already,' she thought.
Taking a deep breath she pulled herself up slowly and began to exam her wrist closely, following the blue veins that twisted up her arm. Under those blue rivers were red ones that pulsed and throbbed pushing her life force through her body. 'I wonder,' she thought 'what would happen if at will you could make your heart stop beating. How many people would die in a day? Would Draco have killed himself that way?'
But it didn't matter because Draco was gone anyways. He had left at night in the rain.
How had he left? It was a thought that hadn't occurred to her in her misery, but now that she contemplated it, he would have had to have left on foot, or with his broom. But there were flying regulations to be thought of if you flew at night and he wouldn't have wanted to contend with that so he would have gone on foot. Alone. In the rain.
How long would it be before he was missed? No time at all she realized. Even if his absence was ignored early in the morning there was no way that people would take no notice if he didn't appear for breakfast. Suddenly she began to panic. If the school noticed that he was gone, search parties would be sent out and they would drag him back to the hands of danger. She couldn't let that happen, but the reality was what could she do? Her fever was returning she could tell and that meant the Madame Pomfrey would soon be in to sedate her again. But she didn't know what time it was or how much time she had to do anything. Still she had to think of something, if only as a last stand for him to show that what she had felt was real. But who to talk to? The Headmaster? It made sense, but the idea of meeting the man face to face again intimidated her to no end and how would she go about contacting him? An easier choice was Professor McGonagal, but she wasn't sure the Head of the Gryffindor house would understand, or believe Ginny's story if she told it. Then it hit her. Snape. He was Slytherin but was accepted by everyone as one of the 'good guys' at least in the war against the Dark Lord and his followers. Ginny cringed at the idea of speaking to Snape, but the situation was not one to give into childish weaknesses.
That decision made, she threw off the covers and was getting ready to crawl out of bed when Madame Pomfrey came bustling in. Upon seeing Ginny half out of bed she rushed over and stated firmly, "Young lady I don't know what you think you are doing but you can just erase any idea of getting out of that bed until you are fully healed."
Ginny rolled her eyes and said angrily, "Please do not mollycoddle me! I have a cold not a terminal illness and I have to see someone urgently---"
"You'll be seeing no one, miss. Get yourself back in that bed before I put a body freeze on you."
"Madame Pomfrey, please. This is important. Someone's life is at stake. I need to speak to Professor Snape right now."
But Madame Pomfrey did not look even vaguely phased. Instead she said in her gentlest voice, "Miss Weasley, darling, you have a very bad infection and you need rest. I want you to just take this sedative---"
"No!" shouted Ginny suddenly outraged; the placating tone Madame Pomfrey was using reminded her too vividly of her family. "I won't take anything until you bring me Professor Snape or let me go to him!"
Madame Pomfrey came forward and gently took Ginny by the shoulders, a movement that cause Ginny's hospital gown to slip off her shoulders exposing a trail of scars over her upper arms and leading to her chest. Unconsciously both doctor and patient looked at the markings and then at each other. There was no way for Madame Pomfrey to hide what she saw from her face or lessen the awkwardness of the situation. So instead she pretended that nothing happened and spoke again in that gentle placid voice, "Virginia, darling, climb back in bed and we'll see---"
"NO!" snapped Ginny jerking out of her grip. Frustration made her impatient and fever, irrational. "I'm telling you woman, get Professor Snape now, or I'll get him myself!"
The medic jumped at the raw feeling emitting from this usually quiet girl. Madame Pomfrey debated her options. Obviously she was serious---perhaps high strung from the fever--- but nonetheless very serious. She could argue or force the medication down her, but she was greatly opposed to such actions. In the situation it seemed to make more sense to placate the girl then drive her to violence. thinking along that stream brought her back to the scars that littered this poor girl's skin.
"Alright then. I'll get Professor Snape but you remain here in bed and wait. Understood?"
Ginny nodded, climbing back under the covers. As the doctor retreated Ginny fell back against the over stuffed pillows exhausted but the burst of energy she had displayed. She needed to stay focused for when Snape arrived.
It seemed like ages before Ginny heard footsteps approaching her bed. Drawing her courage around her like a protective blanket she tried to capture that expression of apathy that Draco had mastered, but failed utterly so that when Snape entered the room, impatient and sneering he saw before him a pale frighten red head, with a look of such imploring that he almost stopped still in his gait.
He had never liked Virgina Weasely. He hated the Weaselys generally and since he had begun teaching at the school it seemed there was a never ending supply of them. one finally graduated only for three more to appear. All of them bothered him to no end, that stuff shirt Percy, those abominable twins and then the reckless side kick of Harry Potter, Ron. But the youngest of them, the tiny red headed girl inspired a level of bitterness in him that forced him to ignore her completely for fear that if he acknowledged her at all he would be so severe to her that it would back- fire on him. Of course it slipped out occasionally; that was to be expected and he knew very well that she not only hated him but feared him also, which was why he was surprised and annoyed when Pomfrey had come to him insisting that he come away directly to see her, even though the staff was meeting to discuss the disappearance of Draco Malfoy.
But there she was in front of him and her looked reminded him too much of other people he wanted to forget about entirely.
"What do you want? Why have I been called away from urgent business to deal with you?" the contempt in his voice was actually tangible, but Ginny was by this point too desperate to let it daunt her.
"Professor Snape, do they know that Draco is missing yet?" she asked.
Snape raised an eyebrow at her question. It was his understanding that she had been ill since early morning, how would she have known?
"News travels quickly in this building," he said in disgust. "Draco Malfoy is missing, but it is no concern of yours."
"Yes it is. He's running away to-" "Join the Deatheaters. Yes that is the main suspicion but I don't see why--- " "NO!" she shouted "No that's not it at all. He's running away from them. they were-are-coming here to take him, by his father's orders and he thought the only way he could escape was to run away---"
Snape to a few long strides quickly towards her, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"What?! That's ridiculous! For whatever reason Malfoy has run off for I assure you it's not to escape his own father-"
"No you don't understand," she insisted, hearing her voice rise in agitation. "His mother wrote him and told him they were coming yesterday and he couldn't stay because he just couldn't be forced to join all those monsters---"
Quite unexpectedly Snape placed his hand on her forehead muttering, "Feverish. Just as I suspected. You're delusional." "I AM NOT!" "Miss Weasely-" "LISTEN TO ME! You have to or else he'll be killed or worse! I thought you'd understand. he told you loved someone like me once."
At her words Snape froze mid sneer and simply stared at the girl. Seeing she had caught his attention Ginny pushed forward. "He said you had been in love and that was why you left in the first rising. And I thought. I thought you'd understand, why."
The look on Snape's face was a cruel mixture of horror, disbelief, and rage all tinted with a sort of coldness that made Ginny think of the times Draco said he was doomed to end up just like the embittered potions master.
When he spoke his voice had an ice to it's tone that reminded Ginny so much of Draco her soul cringed. "How do you know this? ANY of this? You start from the beginning and tell me just exactly what happened to Malfoy." "Oh, there's not time for that-" "You can start NOW."
Ginny let herself fall back on to the bed weary and jittery at the same time and in as few words as possible explained to Snape about her complicated relationship with Draco. Skipping details entirely as well as how and why they met on the level they did, she told him about how he had changed, not on a the surface or even on a base level but in some fundamental way that made joining the Deatheaters impossible.
At the end of the short narration Snape just stood there shocked and still looking at Ginny first and then at some point beyond her.
After a moment he snapped back to reality and focused so acutely on her that she was tempted to turn away. Instead she said, "Please, PLEASE make them help him. If not directly, then at least shield him until he can get further away. Please."
"It will be taken care of, I promise," he said and without another word turned around and left.
When he left the room Ginny felt an incredible weight lift off of her. Somehow she had made Snape understand and she had done everything in her power to at least buy Draco some time. Now if she could just get rid of that all consuming emptiness eating away at her maybe she could stop fighting to breathe.
Ginny barely noticed when Madame Pomfrey came in and poured another dose of elixir down her throat. She didn't respond to the medic's cheerful attitude or her forced delicate comments. She waited patiently for the medicine to works it's magic and shut down her conscious mind so she could rest in peace.
Harry returned that afternoon to see what had happened to Ginny and to find Ron who had not left the infirmary that morning, even under pain of a detention. When he entered the waiting room he found his friend hunched over in a chair, his head dangling down.
"Oi, Ron, " he called out "How are you? Still here? Can we see her yet?"
Ron look up slowly and gave Harry a thin smile. "Pomfrey says her fever is down. Just an infection made worse by stress. She says Ginny will be out in a few days at the latest. "
Harry dumped his books and sat down next to his friend. "That's brilliant!" he said enthusiastically. But Ron just nodded, a blank almost despairing look sweeping across his face.
Harry didn't understand Ron's attitude, but he knew better than to confront him on it. Ron would talk when he wanted to. Harry just leaned back contented to sit in silence when Ron said, "You know, don't you?"
Harry started. "Know what?" Ron looked at him with a mixture of anger over ruled by fear. "You know what's wrong with Ginny don't you?"
Harry swallowed, trying to get rid of the sudden rock which appeared in his throat. "Didn't Madame Pomfrey say she just had an infection?"
"Harry you know that's not what I'm talking about. You saw them. You saw them and you didn't look at all surprised."
"Ron, calm down." "Calm down?!" barked Ron with sudden fury. But it died on his lips quickly. Returning to his strained semi-panic voice he said, "She's covered in scars, Harry. Not scratches, not from falling down or getting caught in thorns or from the cat. Deliberate scars." his breath hitched then and he stopped talking. After a moment's silence he said, "Harry, tell me what the bloody hell is going on."
Harry stared at Ron speechless. What on earth was he supposed to do now? Ron was his best friend, but he knew had no right to further interfere with Ginny's life. Shaking his head slowly he said, "Ron, you're talking to the wrong person. If you think something's wrong with Ginny, you need to speak to her, not me."
Judging by the expression that passed across Ron's face Harry figured he had been expecting just that reply. He open his mouth to say something to Harry but just then Madame Pomfrey breezed in smelling of medicine and chocolate. As soon as she came in Ron jumped up saying, "Can we see her yet?"
But Madame Pomfrey shook her head. "Ginny says she doesn't want to see anyone right now."
"But I'm her brother! Surely I can-" "No, you can't. I want her resting as it is and if she doesn't want visitors, then she'll get none." Her tone softened. "But don't you worry over her, she'll be right as rain in no time at all. Just go back to your classes boys and you'll see her soon enough."
Ron started to protest but Harry stopped him from yelling. He tried to pull his overstrained friend back towards the door, when, of all people, Snape strode into the infirmary.
With out looking at the boys he spoke to Madame Pomfrey. "I need to speak to her now. Is her fever down?"
Madame Pomfrey looked quickly between the stern professor and the dumbfounded boys, but trying to keep a neutral face she said, "Of course. right this way." And with that she led Snape refusing to look back.
Naturally Ron snapped. "My sister is sick, my best friend won't tell me what's wrong with her, I can't visit her, but Snape can? What's wrong with everyone?"
Harry cringed and began to stutter something at Ron, but Ron shrugged him off and left the room leaving Harry standing all alone in the infirmary. Sighing in defeat he too picked up his things and left.
Will you fall against the wall that you have built With your own hands When you trip upon the thorns that you have tied Your legs together with When you walk upon thin ice you know you should Not be walking Why do you wonder why that you fell through
When Snape left her, Ginny finally felt like for the first time since she had awoken she could breathe. He believed her and he said it was being 'handled'. That was all she could ask for, in fact she was thrilled that they had believe Draco was anything more than a common criminal. So now the panic was over and she had time to think over what had happened since December. For a moment she laughed. It occurred to her that since Draco had dragged her in from the cold she never sat down to analyze everything that had changed, not just since the mess with Goyle, but in the last year when she had first picked up a knife to deal with her problems.
"And how is my little patient?"
Ginny looked up and saw Madame Pomfrey hovering over her. It seemed that the medic would never leave her alone.
"Sorry to disturb your thoughtful reverie, but it's time to check your temperature and see how your responding to potion I gave you."
Ginny sighed patiently, "I'm doing fine. My fever's down, I'm sure."
But Madame Pomfrey clucked her tongue and bustled about, taking unnecessary measurements until she had almost worn Ginny's patience through. Right when Ginny was almost going to directly ask her to leave, she turned around and sat down gently at the foot of the bed. The artificial sugar coated look dissolved and was replaced by one of genuine concern. Speaking carefully she said, "Virginia darling, I'm afraid I need to speak with you and I know you're not going to be pleased."
Ginny felt her heart accelerate.
"Virginia, my job as head of this infirmary is not only to treat the sick. I am to look out for their physical and mental welfare. Now you have been in here only twice this past year. but I have seen you closely on both times and I'm worried about you."
She paused waiting for her patient to respond, but Ginny didn't have a clue which card to play. Innocent? Secretive? Happy? Unhappy? Should she pretend to just miss the point? Instinctively she said, "I'm fine, just tired."
It sounded lame even to her and Madame Pomfrey gave her a patient but scrutinizing look that made her blush.
"Virginia, we could go around in circles. We could both pretend that we don't know what the other is thinking but I have learned that that particular approach to a problem is rarely constructive."
"I don't have problem!" protested Ginny breathless.
Madame Pomfrey raised her hand, stemming a stream of defense from her patient.
"Virginia let me put this to you a clearly as I can. If I have a suspicion that a student at this school is in any sort of trouble I have a sworn duty to inform the Headmaster and he may decide to inform the person's parents, with or without their consent." Ginny's eyes grew as big as saucers at her words. "But before I do that I want to talk to you. Alone. No one else will ever know what we talk about. Now the choice is yours."
Ginny looked at Madame Pomfrey in defeat. Denying was now obviously useless. but how could she divulge her deepest secrets to a total stranger? Still the threat with her parents over rode everything. The idea of them knowing about her. about what she did. that was unacceptable.
"Alright. We'll talk. But you CANNOT go to Professor Dumbledore and you can't tell me parents. You have to promise." The doctor nodded silently. "But please Madame Pomfrey can it wait until a little bit later? There are so many things I have to sort out today. Release me from here this morning and tonight we can talk, is that alright?"
Madame Pomfrey gave a genuine smile of relief. "That's fine. I'll be here all night. ANY time you like, you just come here and we'll talk. I'll get you a pass, so that you can be out after hours without Filch bothering you. Now about your release."
"Madame, you know I'm fine. I just over taxed my system, but all I really have is a cold."
The medic looked Ginny over carefully then finally relented. "Alright. I'll let you out."
"Thank you. Oh and could you do me one more favor? Please don't tell anyone you've released me until late this evening. I need some time alone."
Madame Pomfrey caught Ginny's face in her hands, her expression over flooded with warm sympathy. "I'll do that. But remember, tonight I'll be waiting for you."
Once she was dressed and out of the infirmary Ginny was left standing outside the doorway with no place to go. She was tired of drifting off in some direction with no focus. This time she was choosing her course and following it through.
Thirteen minutes later she was sitting on Draco's bed in that private room he had hidden away in the Slytherin halls. She had detoured to get Persephone and now the both of them were occupying the space that enclosed so many odd moments of her recent life.
Her blade was in between her hands.
A perfectly sharpened piece of silver with a twisted handle of woven fairies, no bigger than the palm of her hand. It was so beautiful and so deadly. She wondered silently why she had bought it originally. She had not been cutting at the time. But when she saw the knife she had felt drawn to it like it had been made for her.
Draco's blade was beside her as well.
It was copper and also very sharp, molded like a dragon it could pass for a paperweight until you pressed the eye. Then the blade shot out like the forked tongue of lizard. If you weren't careful it would cut you just by not moving your hand fast enough. It was dangerous by default, but it was so carefully crafted that in it's own twisted way it was beautiful. When had Draco gotten his hands on it? she wondered. She had never thought to ask him. But it was his choice for release.
When she lined the two blades next to each other she felt something twist inside her painfully. They didn't even look pretty together. They didn't balance one another or set off some charming picture, but they were the exact same thing in two different molds. That was the truth of what she and Draco had been. One person in two different molds. In her mind she could see the two of them together. There had been love there and so much pain. Even when he had finally held her, touch her, kissed her, it had all been twisted with unspeakable hurt. She wondered silently if she had gone with him how long it would have taken for all that emotion to consume her; two consume them both.
"If I had left with Draco, Perse, he would have hurt me again and again." she whispered to Persephone. The kitten meowed and began to rub up against her thigh.
"He would have pushed me away, then drawn me so close I wouldn't have been able to breathe and then lashed out."
Persephone began to butt her head gently against her mistress.
"And I would have forgiven him every time."
Ginny picked up the kitten she had named after a goddess cursed to live between two worlds because she loved the Under Lord.
"I bet he's far away now. Dumbledore is probably helping him secretly and he won't even know it. I bet those Death eaters will never find him."
Persephone had relaxed in her lap and was purring in a ball of fluff.
"Of course I could be wrong. They might catch him and kill him today. Nothing is ever for sure."
Ginny pulled up the purring fur ball and looked her in the eye. "Do you know Perse, He completed me. He filled up every empty space I had in me and everything he touched inside me hurt so much, but it was wonderful. wonderful being that filled.
"I think after awhile you stop understanding anything that's not painful. I think, Perse, that's what happened to Draco. If it's real it's supposed to hurt. I think that's what would have happened to me if he had stayed. or if I had left. Just one long life of love and hurt. There is so much in him that isn't healed. And now he's gone off all alone and I can't save him or keep him safe."
She hadn't realized that tears were slipping down her nose until Persephone meowed at the wet, penetrating her coat. Salty tears that leaked unchecked and hurt to cry out. But she didn't give in to racking sobs. She just let the tears fall and thought back further than Draco and Goyle back to that first day in the summer. And then she laughed out loud.
"Can you believe it Perse? All this started because I broke down over Harry kissing Cho."
The idea that at one time that had seemed so important to her was comical at the moment. Standing up slowly, Ginny was suddenly caught with an idea. Walking over to a full length mirror that was beside an over turned cupboard she began to undress slowly, revealing in layers her body as it was. She stood there alone, naked, skinny, freckled and scarred. It was the body of a small framed sixteen year old girl who had loved, lost, hurt, and healed. Even the scars, as blatant and ugly as some of them were, were healed wounds. She traced over the three slashes Draco had left on her. They were beginning to itch. She had a mad urge to scratch them until they were torn open again and bleeding, but instead she just rubbed them gently. It was time she knew to just let them heal with the others. The swelling had left her split lip and the hickeys on her neck were fading. It would all fade eventually with time and she would be left with the memory. Because she realized staring at her dissatisfactory body that they were all her memories. Her experiences that she didn't have to borrow from anyone else. She, Ginny Weasly, had a story all of her own that she didn't have to share with anyone, but which she could share if she wanted to. Draco had given her that much freely.
Ginny got dressed again and looked around the room carefully. It was a wreck, which was strange because Draco was meticulously neat. He must have been in a hurry, she thought. Of course he had been, he was trying to run away. Thoughtlessly she began to pick up the scattered clothing and fold them all neatly. With every possession that she picked up she felt like a piece of him was being put back in place. There was something soothing about the mindlessness of cleaning. Somewhere in the middle of it she began crying softly again, but she didn't even notice it really. Eventually, she felt herself relax as she picked up Draco's things, making herself remember exactly how he had kept them. She stayed that way for the better part of a half an hour, folding, dusting and rearranging, before the creaking of the door startled her.
"Ginny? Are you here?"
Of course it was Harry.
"You found me," she said softly not looking up from her work.
"I went to the infirmary and Madame Pomfrey said you didn't want visitors. But it seemed strange that they would keep you so long for just a fever, so I guessed you might have been released and that you were hiding."
"Did it occur to you that IF I was hiding maybe, I didn't want to be found?"
Harry winced. ".Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"I'm fine."
Silence.
"So do you want me to go?" asked Harry nervously after a moment. "Yes," she answered. But he didn't make any move of leaving. Instead he said, "Ron's worried sick, Gin. He saw the scars and he asked me about them. He---"
"I'll deal with my family in my own time Harry," she said firmly. Her tone was so placid it unnerved him. He stepped forward awkwardly and laid a hand on her shoulder which she shrugged off. "Gin, are you sure---"
"Harry, I'm going to finish cleaning this room. Then I have to go and speak with Madame Pomfrey for awhile. Then I will go to the common room and have a talk with my big brother. After that I'm going to bed and I'm sleeping until my body decides to wake up again. Harry--- Draco's gone. He's not coming back. I'm here and I'm staying here. Life goes on. Now please, let me finish this so that my talk with Ron is not delayed until the middle of the night."
Harry opened his mouth to say something but then thought the better of it. As he watched her take up her wand and began to whisper charms moving things to their proper places the same sensation hit him that struck him the night he walked into her in the common room surrounded by fire sprites.
"It's happened again," he said to himself, but she heard and looked up, throwing him a questioning look. "You've changed again," he explained. "I thought you had grown up the day I saw the first time with the fire sprites, but now you've changed again and it's different. Are you sure you're going to be alright?"
His concern for her was so genuine that she smiled at him, very sadly and said, "No. I'm not sure of anything. But I'm alive and I'm going to keep on living. That's the best answer I can give you."
Then he nodded and left the room.
When Ginny was finished she took a satisfied look around the room and happen to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror again. Quite suddenly an idea hit her and after she search for a few minutes she found a pair of scissors. Without stopping to think she took hold of her hair and began to cut off the long tresses. When she was done the waist length hair was cut up to her chin. Looking at herself in the mirror she was surprised at how different she looked. It felt good somehow, like her physical appearance reflected the change that had taken place inside her. Of course she hadn't done the best job. she'd have to find someone to even it out for her later, and her mother would throw a tantrum when she saw it, but all that didn't matter at all. Harry was right: she wasn't the same girl and she wanted it to show.
I know you laugh And show tears Smile down at your fears From where you are From way up here You know nothing's ever looked so good Nothing ever looked so good
It was late in the evening when Ginny finally finished with Madame Pomfrey. It had been a tiring experience, but not as bad as she had originally thought. Madame Pomfrey had begun by complimenting her hair and offering to even it out, an offer Ginny had accepted. After she had felt more relaxed, the doctor had asked her why she cut her hair and that led to the cutting. To continue to deny that she cut herself was pointless, so when the medic asked her how long she had been abusing herself she didn't bother to lie. Ginny began trying to sugar coat what she could, but Madame Pomfrey was so subtle and so persistent that she found herself revealing more than she intended about her frustrations at home though she skipped everything related to Draco and Harry. In fairness Madame Pomfrey was very gentle and if she hit a sore spot she would drop the topic immediately. And when they were done, after Madame Pomfrey had insisted that they talk again, she had said something that had continued to play on Ginny's mind.
"You know, after all Virginia, always remember that you are only sixteen years old. You are so young right now. and you have your entire life left to live. Right now it's just beginning, it has years and years left to improve. You still have so much time left to find happiness."
When Ginny entered the common room that night no one was up except Ron who was sitting pensively on a chair. When he saw her he jumped up saying "Where were you?" and then "What did you do to your hair?"
"I was tired of it," she answered, shrugging. "I needed a change." He nodded smiling. "It looks great. Mum's going to pitch a fit, but really it suits your face wonderfully."
But then he got that grave look on his face and the strained thin panic look clouded his eyes as he took her by the shoulders. He didn't bother mincing words either. "Ginny, you're my sister. And before I say anything I KNOW I'm a useless brother on all accounts." he ignored her protests lithely " But I have noticed that you've been unhappy of late, that's clear. And I saw the scars- --" his voice cracked there and she actually saw tears well up in his eyes. But he got a hold of himself quickly and said, "Tell me everything Ginny, please. I need you to be honest and please don't leave off details. I know you like Charlie best---" again he ignored her protests "But try and tell me what's going on." She tried to dissuade him, making up poor excuses for the scars, all of which he brushed aside without a second thought. She didn't want to tell him, but the look of anguish is his face began to wear her down until he finally said, "Is it because I don't love you enough? Is that why you do this to yourself?"
That broke her will entirely and the whole story came out like a damn bursting. She had meant to only explain the cutting but it went deeper than that and her frustration over Harry and details about Goyle and Draco followed subsequently. It was the first time she had told the entire story to anyone and in some ways it was a huge relief, as if the weight of the world was lifted off her shoulders. But deep into their talk Ron had stopped interrupting and asking questions and now he just sat silently watching her. It took her a moment to realize that her brother was crying.
The first thing he said was, "Oh, Ginny. Ginny I'm so sorry."
"Ron it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It all just happened."
"But, Goyle and DRACO MALFOY! And I wasn't anywhere to help you---"
"Don't you understand? You CAN'T help me. I have to help myself. You, the family, Harry, I know you people love me, but I have to deal with this on my own."
Ron swallowed and shook his head in wonder. "What am I going to tell mum and dad?" "NOTHING!" she gasped quickly. "You can't tell them Ron you can't! You have to promise me PLEASE don't tell them, they won't be able to handle it---"
"Shh, calm down, alright? I won't tell I promise, I promised at the beginning. But Ginny, I don't know how I'm going to help you; or what I can do."
Ginny was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "I don't know. I don't know what I want, forget what I actually need. It's all so complicated. I feel like every single thing in my life has completely shattered. I've really hit rock bottom. About the only thing that could possibly make things worse would be if the uprising everyone is talking about were to happen tomorrow. I'm in the dust. but in a way it means the only way I have to move is up. I'm still trying to get my head to stop spinning, Ron I can't tell you what to do. Just. be patient with me okay? And if I'm upset for awhile, well, just let me be."
Then Ron reached forward and grabbed her up in tight embrace that she returned.
"You just remember Ginny, that I love you, that we all love you and that whatever you need, you can come to us." She wasn't sure if there was any reality in that statement or if she would ever reach a point when she could go them with her problems. but still it was nice to know that the offer was opened if she were to choose to take it.
As Ginny had original expected it was the wee hours of the morning before she finally made it to bed. She was exhausted beyond all measures, so naturally she couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, but beyond that trying to get used to the emptiness in her head. She had always used the rhythm of Draco's emotions to rock herself to sleep when she was too high strung to relax and now all that was left was a hollowness that seemed to echo in her mind. What was worse was that occasionally she would get a wisp of what they had for a brief second but it would disappear before she could grapple it, leaving her high and dry.
Finally she gave up and climbed out of bed to slink off in the dark. Somehow every place around her felt confined and suffocating and inadvertently she found herself heading for the grounds. Being ever watchful of Filch she crept outside relishing the night breeze that blew over the grass. Staring around at the blue-black surroundings of night she remembered other nights that she had brought Draco out to see the night life of the little people she loved so much. They came to her now even without her calling, simply sensing her presence, swirling before her eyes like a thousand tiny lights. Her consciousness dimmed and she let herself float in a semi-present state, trying to focus on being absent form her surroundings.
Draco. she knew he was gone, but she needed something, some sort of assurance that at least for now he was alright. If only there was some sort of sign. Reaching in her mind she sought out their link for one last time. She had almost given up when she caught something, a wisp that slipped through her head and she grabbed hold of it mentally before it vanished. The connection was so fine it was almost non existent but summoning all her mental power she tried to project her love, fear and concern into one question over their link and then release it to him.
She waited. But nothing happened.
Of course nothing happened. Harry had dissolved the link and the ghosts of it that remained in her head weren't real. She stood up hurt, empty and dejected making her way back to the dorm before Filch caught her.
That's when it hit her.
An emotion so strong it knocked her off her feet and made her knees buckle. It was one sweeping wave of comfort, warmth and love all mingled with that ever-present trickle of pain. And she knew then that where ever he was, Draco, for now, was alright.
And it was enough to begin with.
But now you dance the rest of the way And you don't look back Can you hear that angel singing As you rise
Now you fly away And you don't look down now And you laugh til you can't laugh any longer As you watch your chains fall to the ground
THE BEGINNING
Halleluiah!!!! It's done.
Do you guys REALLY want an epilogue? OK: You guys ask all your questions about the story or anything at all you want to know and I promise I'll answer everything in one LONG Author's note before I say goodbye again for another age.
I just everyone to know that this has been the grueling writing experience of my life, but getting to know you guys in the process has made it fantastic. Thank you sooo much because you'll never know how much you've helped me.
To every cutter who has stopped cutting, may you stay strong and be hope for the rest of us. To every cutter reading this who hasn't stopped. you're not alone and the best we can do is pray it will get better. To those of you who don't cut. Don't ever start. It's as addictive as heroin and it's not worth the pain it relieves.
Mediterranean Queen:
Honey, NO SEQUEL. Not for a thousand bucks or even a promise by JK Rowling that Ginny and Draco DO get together in the book. well matbe for that. I just can't muster up the strength. But I hope this ending is *cough* satisfactory. I mean she doesn't die.
dani800: okay you've peaked my interest. any way I could read any of the science fiction you write? (I love that genre) and I'd like to see your work. I don't have a lot of time to read, cus I've been working against time to finish this and THAT has progressed slow enough as it is.
Nightangel: How you manage to pick out my FAVORITE songs ALL the time amazes me. As for 'Here to stay' I taped that off the radio like two days before you reviewed. Okay about your friend. I'll say something and I'm sure some people will find this offensive, but if you accidentally see someone's scars it probably means they won't someone to know. I mean if you don't want your scars to show you either cover them up or you don't cut places people can see. People who cut words on their arms and then wear short sleeves are asking for help. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Sometimes people just need a helping hand. And NO I'm not accusing her of wanting attention, she probably just wants someone to acknowledge that she's in pain. That's okay. Talk to her. But as for you. are You okay? Hope so. and I hope you're enjoying this story.
myself:
HEY!! Thanx sssssssssssoooooooooo much for reviewing my other work! It was such a surprise. I'm glad you liked the work. I started writing under nobody important after last summer when my life kinda shattered. I wanted to dissociate myself from Opaque. but I came back again to write this. Again there is NO such thing as a review that's too long. I'm glad I make you feel better. nice to know I do someone some good. that kinda makes you a first. I know what it feels like, that feeling like you got no friends, I was making a list of friends that I would invite to my wedding. I couldn't come up with ten people. That's really sad. Anyways (no I'm not getting married right now) Sometimes it hurts, cus my mom knows I cut and that I'm bulimic but it's like she doesn't see how much I hurt. Like those things don't matter. Anyways, if I did get married I'd invite you and as soon I have finished up the epilogue I'm going to check out all your work. :)
Diamond Tears: Thanks for the support. it means much more than you realize.
Butterflye-forlorne:
All things you said about writing were very sweet. totally exaggerated, but it sure made me feel good. I don't want to write professionally, I just want to please my reviewers here and if I've done that then I'm happy. Controlled cutting is of course better than uncontrolled-cutting and I respect you for being able to keep to it. I go in waves, depends on how much is going on in my life. Right now this is the WORST time of year for me, but hey, slip slip slash I'll make it through. Hmmm. about your friend: Like I said before, if she's let you see the scars then she's inadvertently asking for help. But how do you except to help her without letting on that you do the same thing? That's tricky. Just ask her about them and see her reaction. If she gets upset, leave it alone. But she probably wants someone to talk to. I know I'm not much help but I totally flipped out when my friend started cutting. But then she had known before that I was a cutter and then she started so I felt responsible. hell I still think I am. Anyways, I wrote this poem called 'shared pain' under nobody important. you might understand it. Btw, I also happen to like the song Smoke, even though I'm not a Natalie fan, in fact :) I'm listening to it now.
Darker Child:
Hey! How ya been? I'm so tired these days. I got exams all over the place and so much studying and NO time. I swear all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wait for it all to pass. But how about you? How are your friends and school? Is it getting any better? Ah. 28 days. I love that movie (Viggo Mortensen, YES) I know exactly how you feel. like if something doesn't change soon your gonna have to screw up to speed things along. Maybe that's not the right way to say it, it's more like that song Drift and Die, like we're all living, but we're all dieing as well and some days it seems more like we're dieing slow then living fast. Thanx for reviewing my poems under 'nobody important'. They mean much much more to me than you can suspect. Me, I'm doing okay. I'm fighting this whole weight battle with my mom though. she found out I was bulimic it's been one long battle since then and it's driving me crazy. She won't help me and she won't leave me alone either, but hey gimme a blade and some ipecac and I'll be fine. Yuck, that sounds psycho. oh well.
Black Dragon:
Let me put it to you gently. I WANT TO SEE THE DAMN DRAWINGS!!! Okay? You got my curiosity perked.
Debra:
Hey, nice to see you again! Glad you like the story, glad you understand.