Take all the time you want.
But little Amelia's waiting.
We're waiting.

*CACKLE*

SchmEthan: *clicks camera off* There, that should do it.

Amelia: *sniffle sniffle* W-what are you going to do to me?

Jinxy: *looks at Amelia with a smile* Oh, don't worry. We're not ACTUALLY going to interview you. That'd be illegal in... SchmEth?

SchmEthan: *emergency pencil and notebook* *quick calculations and muttering* Nine continents and a cherry on top.

Jinxy: ... Probably. So don't worry, we-

*faint noises heard*

Amelia: *very quite scared* ... No really, what are you going to me?

SchmEthan: ... That's not us.

Jinxy: *ear to the floor* ONE THOUSAND AND TWENTY A MILLIONPRINTER CARTRIGES COMING FROM A NORTH BANANALERYLY DIRECTION!

SchmEthan: ... *listens* It's an angry mob chanting.

Jinxy: *clicks fingers* Forgot to carry the two.

Amelia: What do they want?

SchmEthan: *walks over to window* *opens curtains* *LIGHT*

Jinxy: MMYYYY VVVIIITTTAAAALLLL OOORRRRGGGAAAANNNSSS! *attempts to shield body with hands* *cocktail umbrellas sprout*

Umbrella 1: ... Turbulence?

Umbrella 2: Verily.

SchmEthan: Oh. Sorry. *superduper Jinxy light shield yes* Better?

Jinxy: *perfectly fine* Much.

SchmEthan: *peer* ... Jinxy?

Jinxy: *stops knitting caramel* Mmm?

SchmEthan: Correct me if I'm wrong, but does "What do we want? Amelia's interview! What do we want to do with it? Read it, silly!" mean what I think it does.

Jinxy: Probablies. Unless it means 'rub this lamp and I shall grant you seven dwarves'.

Amelia: ... PLEASE let it be that D =

SchmEthan: Your D equals won't save you now...

D equals: ... I'm not THAT scared!

Jinxy: *inhale*

D equals: AHH DON'T HURT ME GETTITOFF! *flee*

SchmEthan: Something tells me we'd better go and see...

Jinxy: Hop along, Amelia!

Amelia: ... *glare* *hop hop hop*

*SchmEthan, Jinxy and Amelia hop outside to be greeted by an angry mob and signs saying 'Interview Amelia', 'We didn't review, dammit' and 'Can anybody tell me why I'm here? No? Alright then.'*

Mob: WE CAME HERE FOR AN INTERVIEW AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT!

SchmEthan: *points to script* We're being written here, so TECHNICALLY, you're all under audience bylaw custardy three.

Mob: ... WE FORCIBLY CAME HERE FOR A FORCIBLE INTERVIEW AND THAT'S WHAT WE FORCIBLY WANT!

SchmEthan: *rolls arm forward*

Mob: ... Force.

SchmEthan: Better.

Jinxy: BUTBUTBUT! *drags Amelia forward* S'AMELIA! Look at her cute likkle face. And her gingeryness. And her fweckles.

Mob: *look*

Amelia: *cute*

Mob: !

SchmEthan: ... Should we? *looks at Amelia sorrily*

Jinxy: I don't think we have a choice... *also looks*

Amelia: ... But...

SchmEthan: *Looks out at mob* I hope you're happy.

Mob: Oh yes.

Jinxy: Do you know what you're doing?

Mob: Completely. Get on with it.

SchmEthan: You're making us interview her.

Mob: …Yeah, we know.

Jinxy: Her life'll never be the same again.

Amelia: Well THAT was a given…

Mob: Couldn't agree more.

Jinxy: You monsters.

Mob: *Makes popcorn* C'mon, hurry it up.

SchmEthan and Jinxy: …

Amelia: PLEASE! NO! D:

SchmEthan: If I had twenty tellies in that chav there, how many snowmen have been stolen in the past hour?

Amelia: …I don't know all my numbers yet… D':

SchmEthan: …Just the one… *Quietly prods with a rake*

Mob: *AMUSED*

Amelia: …*Quietly starts to cry*

SchmEthan: …JINXY I CAN'T! *SOB*

Jinxy: *Squeezes SchmEthan's shoulder before stepping forward* *Deep breath* If there were untold socks in David Bowie's eyes, and –untold Christmas cushions on the floor, then how many 8910s in that big box falling from the sky?

Amelia: …Sixteen… *Shuffles out the way*

SchmEthan: …Three, actually. *Throws a salmon in Amelia's general direction* Jinxy…get out of the way…

Jinxy: Such a purty box… *Pupils grow wide as box gets closer to ground*

SchmEthan: …Jinxy...

Jinxy: …So…heavy…

SchmEthan: …JINXY! *Darts forward and hauls her out of the way before big box lands SMACKBANG in the midst of the Mob, who barely have time to gather their placards together before being squished*

Jinxy: *Blinkblink* …WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME GET SQUISHED?

SchmEthan: BECAUSE WHERE ELSE WOULD I FIND A HALF POKEMON WHO HAS AN ENOUGH OF AN OBSESSION WITH DAVID TENNANT?

Jinxy: BUT I WANTED TO BE SQUISHED!

SchmEthan: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE QUITE SILLY, BITCH.

Jinxy: …SURELY you just didn't go there.

SchmEthan: Oh yes. I went there, bought the shirt, and came back. See? *Points at shirt*

Shirt: I went there and all I could afford was this lousy T-Shirt, buthey, I've proved a point.

Jinxy: …Bitch.

SchmEthan: Bitchbag.

Jinxy: Bitchcruiseliners.

SchmEthan: BitchCEO.

Jinxy: DAVID CAMERON'S BITCH!

SchmEthan: … *HISS*

Jinxy: COME ON THEN! :3

*CATFIGHT INVOLVING KITCHEN ITEMS*

Amelia: …I don't think my life can get any weirder.

*A very sudden and magical advent calendar appears with a batch of freshly grown mugs under one arm and NOWTTOSEEHERE under the other and a beard of diced Lemsip*

Amelia: …Oh no wait.

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: I'M HERE TO GRANT YOU THREE WISHES!

Amelia: OH HOW CONVENIENT! Well, how 'bout I wish to be as far away from here as possible?

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: SPLIT UP THESE TWO CO HOSTS AND TEACH THEM THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS IN THIS FESTIVE SEASON? OF COURSE!

Amelia: …No, that's not what I wished at all –

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: NOWNOWTHISISN'TON! *Hauls SchmEthan and Jinxy apart*

Jinxy: HE STARTED IT!

SchmEthan: ONLY 'COZ SHE REFERRED TO ME AND DAVID CAMERON IN THE SAME SENTENCE!

Jinxy: AND THEN I FINISHED IT BECAUSE SCHMETHAN'S A BIG GIRL'S BLOUSE.

Big girl's blouse: I'M NOT BIG I'M BEAUTIFUL! *Flies away in tears*

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: *Holds spitting and hissing SchmEthan and Jinxy apart even more* Now this just isn't on. Don't you know what time it is? ITS CHRISTMAS TIME!

SchmEthan: *Looks sharply* *Nearby air is cut by how sharp the look is* Christmas time?

Jinxy: *Nearby air bleeds to death as she looks around sharply too* Present time?

SchmEthan: Turkey time?

Jinxy: Pudding time?

Mr T: HAMMER TIME.

*SchmEthan and Jinxy look at each other*

Together: Whipped cream time?

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: Well, yes, but you seem to have missed the point completely…

SchmEthan: JINXYI'MSORRYLETSGETTHISGUY!

Jinxy: WOWI'MSORRYTOOLETSRIPHIMTOBITS!

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: …Why are you looking at me like OH GOD MY FACE! *Howls in pain as Jinxy and SchmEthan rip open all his doors and scoop out goodies* STOP IT PLEASE OH GOD THE PAIN MY ORGANS THEY'RE RIPPING OUT MY ORGANS MY VERY LIFE FORCE OH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT - *Falls silent as Jinxy rips the cardboard into tiny bits with teeth* *SchmEthan gobbles all the chocolate*

SchmEthan: Up for some decorating and Christmas fun, Jinxy?

Jinxy: *Paws at pieces of cardboard* I should think so.

*Co hosts run off giggling as a big cloud zooms up, dumps a lot of snow and zooms off again*

Amelia: *Gets snowed on* …HALP? D:

Announcer Guy: *Chugs back eggnog* And the bells are ringing out…for Christmas…grraaahhh. *Falls under table**Christmas lights twinkle merrily around the Hub Show cave* *Audience huddle together under the tinsel haphazardly thrown over them* *SchmEthan drags in a tree while dressed in many items of warm clothing*

SchmEthan: GOT US A TREE. =3

Jinxy: *From fireplace* TAKE OFF YOUR EARMUFFS YOU'RE SHOUTING AGAIN!

SchmEthan: …OH YEAH! *Takes off earmuffs* Forgot about these. *Sniff* GOT US A TREE THOUGH =3

=3: Er, actually, I was the one who got the tree…

Mr Axe: NO IT WAS ME AHA HAHAHAHA THE TREE IT SCREAMED AS IT FELL THE BLOOD WAS ON MY SKIN OH YES KILLING TREES I'M GOING TO KILL THEM ALL AHA AHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Is hastily put away by SchmEthan*

Tree: I'll have you know that I wasn't screaming and even if I was I would have a perfectly good reason to I was doing an awfully good job as a tree in that forest and not only was I being a good tree I was also helping the environment by absorbing all those terrible nasty greenhouse gasses that you lot keep complaining about and if you want to protect the ice caps so much why are you cutting us all down its not that fair and don't you want Earth's children to live in a wonderfully green environment you've got to think about the future generations and when they say granddad we love you for not burning coal and digging up oil you'll be really chuffed and then you'll die alone in a home so a fat lot of good it'll do in the long run. But that's only if I was screaming. NO NOT IN THE CORNER PLEASE! *Screams and sobs as SchmEthan drags it over to a corner and props it up*

SchmEthan: …Jinxy, what're the bear traps for?

Jinxy: Father Christmas, of course. *Carefully adjusts a bear trap with a metal rod*

SchmEthan: …That's not really on.

Jinxy: Neithers your face.

SchmEthan: …Something up with you. *Checks Pokedex*

Pokedex: JINXY, THE ELECTRIC POKEMON HYBRID. IN THIS FESTIVE PEROID, IT MAY ATTEMPT TO KILL ANY AND ALL MYTHICAL LEGENDS.

SchmEthan: Hmmm… *Puts Pokedex away* Where'd you even get these bear traps from?

Jinxy: From the bear trap salesman, of course.

SchmEthan: What bear trap salesman –

Bear trap salesman: HERE TAKE MY CARD! *Offers*

SchmEthan: WHY THANKS! *Takes* Wow, you've got some good deals! And - *Suddenly realises* You're a bear.

Bear trap salesman who's also a bear: NOTED! *Cha chas out*

SchmEthan: *Looks at card carefully* Jinxy, I think you've been conned! D=

Jinxy: SURELY NOT!

SchmEthan: LOOK! *Kicks bear trap*

Bear trap: ABLOOGYWOOGYWOO! *Party hat*

Jinxy: …ALL OUR SAVINGS! D:

SchmEthan: *Looks up from business card* What was that?

Jinxy: …Nuffin.

SchmEthan: …Kay. *Rips up business card* Will you abandon your attempts to kill Father Christmas if you come help me decorate this tree?

Tree: I HAVE A DEGREE IN DRAMA, Y'KNOW.

Jinxy: I HAVE A DEGREE IN WAINBOWS. *Waves a bit of paper doodled on in crayon*

SchmEthan: *Produces a box with "DECORATIONAL SHIZZ" scribbled on the side* LETS GET CRACKIN.

Announcer Guy: *Snores deeply*

Jinxy: JINGLE BELLS BATMAN SMELLS! *Throws tinsel around tree* ROBIN LAID AN EGG!

SchmEthan: If you're not going to sing it properly, don't sing it at all.

Jinxy: …SCHMETH'S A –

SchmEthan: DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

Jinxy: OH I WASN'T GOING TO.

SchmEthan: …You weren't?

Jinxy: I was, in fact, going over here. *One step to the left* *Drumcrash*

Tree: Ooo, I do look good in tinsel. *Flaunt*

SchmEthan: STAY STILL! *Manages to put on another bauble*

Jinxy: *Rummages in box* OO, the cheese baubles from last year! *Holds up pieces of edam on string* Smell a bit though…

Sell by date: Oh no, you're good.

Jinxy: Fair enough. *Hangs on tree*

SchmEthan: *Hears a ping* OH THE SUBWAY DECORATIONS! *Hops off ladder and runs off*

Jinxy: *Reaches into box* Oh hullo. *Pulls out a bauble* *Pupils go wide*

SchmEthan: *Trots in with an apron on, carrying lots of ham and cheese Subways on hearty Italian* Watcha got there, Jinxy?

Jinxy: *Holds bauble out* PRETTY!

SchmEthan: *Takes off oven gloves and takes bauble* *Pupils go wide* IT IS!

Jinxy: *Bounds to feet* What's in it, d'you think? *Peers in*

SchmEthan: I dunno… *Looks at swirling object inside bauble* Looks like a black hole to me.

Jinxy: A proper black hole.

SchmEthan: Yep.

Jinxy: One that could kill us all.

SchmEthan: Certainly.

Jinxy: …Well, that'll be just like the one in my bedroom floor then.

SchmEthan: That's the one.

…

*CLAWS AND FINGERS AND GIVE ME MY BAUBLE BITCH SNATCHY GRAB WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY BAUBLE ITS MINE AND IT INEVITABLY FALLS FROM SOMEONE'S HAND AND- *

*SMASH!*

*Jinxy and SchmEthan stare and back away as black hole sinks into floor*

Jinxy: …Oh bugger.

SchmEthan: THIS IS COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!

Jinxy: MY FAULT! HOW ABOUT YOUR FAULT FOR DROPPING THE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?

SchmEthan: YOU KNOCKED IT OUT OF MY HANDS!

Jinxy: BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T GIVE IT BACK!

Tree: *DOES A LOT OF SWEARING AS IT GETS SUCKED IN*

SchmEthan: …QUICK! *Pulls Jinxy over to fireplace* HANG ON!

*Co hosts hang on as black hole spits out tinsel and toy santas and baubles and Christmas joy and spirit and a coke advert and OH MY GOD THERE'S THINGS CLIMBING OUT - *

*Black hole snaps shut*

*Figures rise out of mist*

Jinxy: SCHMETHAN I'M SORRY!

SchmEthan: ITS ALRIGHT I FORGIVE YOU!

Jinxy: …NO YOU SHOULD BE SORRY TOO!1

SchmEthan: LETS NOT ARGUE NOW GET READY TO FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES! *Grabs decoration box and starts hurling contents at figures* HAVE SOME CHRISTMAS CHEESE!

Jinxy: TAKE THESE BAUBLES! *HURL*

Mist: *Coughsplutter* Goodness, who're you little things?

Some more mist: WE ARE NOT LITTLE THINGS, HUMAN!

Mist: We best do some clearing.

Some more mist: AGREED!

*CLEAR*

Jinxy: NO!

SchmEthan: IT SURELY ISN'T –

Voice: HARRIET JONES, FORMER PRIMEMINISTER! And an odd looking bunch of short aliens. Who're you supposed to be?

Other voices: WE ARE SONTARANS, MIGHTY WARRIORS!

Voice: Oh of course. Would you like a hankie?

Jimxy: ... We're gonna need some more of those Subways, SchmEth.

DID YOU MISS US? I bet you did. You look so pleased. ANYWAY - MERRY CHRISTMAS! Here's the Hub Show's gift to you, and we'll see you and PART TWO in the NEW YEAR! :D