This Joke is a League

Chapter One: One Sip Wonder

a/n & disclaimer: This is my first attempt at a League of Super Evil fanfic. I first watched the show stoned out of my mind a few weeks back and I've been hooked ever since XD. There will be adult language and situations (like drinking…oh how there will be drinking and all the naughty things that go hand in hand with drinking yay!), but I vow to keep everyone in character as much as possible. I do not own L.O.S.E. This fic is dedicated to my younger sister, champion chugger of Heineken and all beverages alcoholic and my best friend, TheHolyHandGrenadeofAntioch, the biggest light weight I know XD. I love you both ~hug~

It was a bright sunny August morning in Metroville. Actually, it was 12:27 in the afternoon. Voltar had smashed his alarm clock against the wall hours ago and had yet to crawl out of bed, but his stomach began to growl. He finally threw off his covers and headed downstairs for the kitchen in search of breakfast.

Voltar exhaled a deep yawn as he slumped into the living room, still just in his mask and lucky red briefs. He scratched the sickly pale skin on his backside, eyelids still weighed down with drowsiness.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I can't wait!" He heard his henchman cheering to himself. "Morning, Voltar!" Red Menace waved as he passed his "evil" leader.

Again Voltar yawned. "Morning Red." He hopped onto the couch and started to flip channels on the television. He often forgets the L.O.S.E. lair only receives one channel when he first wakes up. "Is the coffee on?"

"Oh, it's cold by now. I'll brew you another pot before I leave. Just give me five minutes." The large henchman offered.

Voltar scowled, dissatisfied. "FIVE minutes?" He quoted, sneering. "What are you doing that's SO important you can't fetch your beloved evil leader a hot cup of morning coffee?"

Red Menace shifted uncomfortably. "Gee, Voltar. I'm sorry. It's just, Dr. Frogg wanted me packed and waiting in the V-Mobile by now and-"

"Wait…" Confused, Voltar scratched behind his left antenna. "Packed? Where are you two going?"

Red Menace giggled with delight as he held up a brochure in Voltar's face. "We're taking a trip to Metroville's October Fest! It's gonna be great! There'll be food and rides and music and beer-" Red Menace covered his mouth. Dr. Frogg ordered him not to mention the "b" word to Voltar.

"Beer?" Voltar's antennae perked. "Count me in!"

"No no no no no!" Dr. Frogg shouted from the other room. He raced into the living room, hitting his shin on the corner of the coffee table. He jumped around, holding his bruised shin for a second or two, but quickly ignored the pain. "This trip is for Red and I ONLY!" The mad scientist informed his leader sternly.

"What?" Voltar gasped. "I'm the leader! You two aren't allowed to scratch your asses without my consent!"

"Wrong!" Dr. Frogg waved a claw in his face. "When Red and I joined L.O.S.E. you agreed each of us are entitled to ONE hiatus from the league a year! We're going to take a vacation and we're going to take it without you."

Voltar folded his arms across his chest. "Correct me if I'm wrong, which I'm not, Frogg, but I specifically remember stating that evil deeds must be carried out over the course of your hiatus. And you two can't pull evil deeds off without me!" Voltar jumped, raising an excited, triumphant fist in the air. "I call shot gun!"

"Not a chance!" Dr. Frogg continued to protest. "You don't belong at October fest! It celebrates German heritage and you're not even human. Besides, Germany is the most evil country on earth." he bragged.

"HA! Nice try, but germs come from Germany. You're no germ and Red is Siberian!"

Dr. Frogg slapped his forehead, a bit too hard. It took him a brief moment to recover. "For the last fucking time, Voltar! Germs DON'T come from Germany! German people come from Germany!"

"And Siberia is close enough." Red stated meekly in his defense.

Voltar rolled his eyes. "You really expect me to believe YOU come from Germany?"

Dr. Frogg growled, frustrated. "I was BORN in Munich, you asshole! Look, we don't have time for this. I want to make it to the tapping of the first keg. Red, grab your suitcase and the keys. We're out of here." With that, the mad scientist walked off.

Voltar cracked his knuckles and was about to pounce on his insolent underling from behind, but Red Menace caught him in mid air and set him back on the couch.

"Look, it's not that we don't want you to come, it's just…" Red rubbed the back of his neck nervously, struggling to word his next few sentences just right. "There's a lot of drinking during October Fest and you, well…you just don't hold your liquor very well, Voltar."

"What? I resent that!"

"It's true." Dr. Frogg agreed, nodding. "You're a one sip wonder- a complete light weight. Remember Karaoke night at Villaynes last Saturday?"

Last Saturday; Villaynes- the bar

Dr. Frogg sat doubled over on his barstool, slamming his head against the countertop. Next to his aching head was a half empty glass of red wine and an vacant stool where Voltar was sitting moments earlier. Across the bar, Voltar staggered on stage "singing" his little mutant heart out into the microphone. His voice blasted out the sound system, shattering his fellow restaurant goers' ear drums, including Dr. Frogg's. Red clapped and cheered his drunken leader on, if for no other reason, than to be polite.

"SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! YOU GIVE HATE A BAD NA-" Voltar stopped abruptly, clutching his stomach. He dropped his pants and then fell to his knees, vomited all over the stage, and passed out cold.

Voltar dismissed his flashback with a rude wave. "Okay, so that ONE time-"

"Then there was time you played beer pong with Steve at his barbeque." Red Menace added.

Neighbor Steve's backyard; Last 4th of July

Steve tossed a ping-pong ball to Voltar's side of the table. Once again, Steve landed the ball right in one of Voltar's tiny Styrofoam cups. Growling, defeated, Voltar downed the cup of beer in one gulp. He wiped the "mouth" of his mask and began to sway on his stool.

"You really wanna know why I HATE humanity so much, STEEEVE?" Voltar shouted out of nowhere, slurring his words badly. "THIS is why!" he cried as he yanked off his mask.

Steve, Red Menace, Dr. Frogg and all the other guests gasped in horror of Voltar's pale, deformed face. Red Menace fainted. Voltar barely noticed. Again, he dropped his pants, vomited then passed out cold on the lawn.

"I don't remember that!" Voltar cried.

Red Menace raised a brow, surprised. "Really? Steve recorded the whole thing and posted it on you tube. I still have the link saved on Frogg's computer."

Voltar trembled with anger. "Steve…" He hissed the name of his most hated neighbor. He coughed, deciding it best to plot revenge on Steve later. "Be that as it may-"

"Then there was Doom Driver's Chaosmas party-" Dr. Frogg mentioned, cringing at as the painful memory replayed in his mind.

Doom Driver's house; Chaosmas eve

Voltar, Dr. Frogg and Red Menace shared a seat on the couch in Doom Driver's living room, watching the rue log burn on the fire while the other villains danced and mingled amongst themselves, avoiding them altogether. Refusing to let the other guests get to him, Red Menace popped open a bottle of peppermint schnapps and offered it to his league members. Voltar took the first sip then handed the bottle back to Red Menace. Red was about to take a sip when he spotted Doom Driver and his wife embracing each other at the far end of the room.

"Aw, look at that! They're under the Misery Toe."

Voltar watched as the undead villain and his wife shared a kiss beneath the wilted decorative leaf. Suddenly the schnapps kicked in. Voltar burst into tears and cried "NO BODY LOVES ME!" And of course, he dropped his pants, vomited all over the place and passed out.

"Every time you even SNIFF alcohol, you strip naked, puke and black out!" Dr. Frogg cried. "It's so embarrassing. I'm not dragging your sorry carcass back to the lair again! You're staying here to look after Doomageddon. He has diarrhea." Dr. Frogg pointed to the window.

Voltar's eyes followed. He spotted the reptilian mutt squatting on their barren front lawn, leaving piles of glowing biohazardous turds. Voltar cringed, frightened. Dr. Frogg chuckled at his expense. "See you in seventeen days!." He waved him goodbye as he waltzed towards the front door with suitcases in claw.

"Wait!" Voltar chased after him. "I've been building a tolerance to the sauce all year! I swear!"

Dr. Frogg slammed the door in his face. Grunting, Voltar fell to the floor on his back with a heavy thud.

Red Menace pulled Voltar to his feet. "We'll be back soon. We'll bring you back a t-shirt or a beerstein or something." He hoisted the fully packed cooler onto his shoulders. "Hatch some evil schemes on your own while we're away. That'll be fun, won't it? Tell me all about it when we get home!"

"Red, alcohol kills brain cells! Being our designated mad scientist, Dr. Frogg's brain is crucial to our group dynamics and you…well, you just can't afford to lose any more brain cells. For the sake of the league I FORBID you two to go to October fest!"

Red Menace let laughed. "Oh that's just an old wives' tale, silly. Alcohol doesn't really kill brain cells, it just dulls them temporarily. Besides, Doc Frogg and I are responsible." He raised his hand in a vow. "I promise not to go overboard or to let Frogg go overboard. You can count on me! Later, Voltar! Take it easy."

Voltar raised his hand in protest, but it was too late. Red Menace closed the door behind him. He could hear the motor of the V-mobile as Dr. Frogg pulled out of the garage and drove off down the street.

At first Voltar slouched over, sad, but the emotion quickly shifted to anger. He kicked the door hard and stomped off. "Those bastards!" The little mutant snarled, clenching his fist. "They can't just walk out on me like that! I'm the leader! I'm the evil master mind! I'll show them! I'll get my revenge if it's the last thing I do!"

Voltar paused. "But how…?" His mask contorted in deep thought. Voltar sighed. Nothing came to him. "I'll just need to find some inspiration." He giggled mischievously. "Won't find inspiration on an empty stomach!"

He turned for the kitchen. "I guess it's just you and me for a few weeks, Doomageddon." Voltar looked about and realized he had just spoke to himself. "Doomageddon! Here boy!" he shouted and added a whistle for good measure. The hellhound failed to materialize in front of him. Voltar shrugged. "Where did that scaly cur get to? Ah, no matter." He thought aloud as he searched through the fridge. "Must still be taking care of business…"

A/n: Where DID Doomageddon go? Will Red and Frogg have a blast at October Fest or will Voltar exact merciless revenge on them? GASP! Please read and review and the answers will come soon enough.

Mostly dialog here. Not too much description. Sorry about that. I'm lazy XD But if your reading this, I assume you've seen the show and know what the settings look like. Okay, to be clear, I read on Wikipedia that Dr. Frogg is most likely part German (and that Red Menace was a Siberian farm boy before joining L.O.S.E. hu…). Whether that is accepted as a cannon fact or not, I don't know, but for the sake of comedy, Frogg is German in this fic. Just bare with me on the jokes people. I come from a LONG line of kraut bastards, so don't get offended. Oh, and this isn't an anti Voltar fic. I'm sick of reading those. I love the little monster! He's so damn cute (an idiot and an asshole, but still very cute ^^). Again, I'm not sure whether it is accepted in cannon that Voltar is human or some kind of mutant or alien or something, but for the sake of comedy, he is a mutant in this fic, and his system has A LOT of trouble with alcohol. Let the madness ensue!