TITLE: Drowning
WRITTEN BY: Drea Jackman
EMAIL: [email protected]
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Suddenly cast out of the only life he's ever known, Alec is alone and dealing with it
the only way he knows how. But, who'll be there to throw him a life line when he's going under?
DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters involved. They belong to Cameron/Eglee
Producions :(
ARCHIVE: If I've said yes before I'll say it again, otherwise email me 'n' lemme know.
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg, please? ...D'OH!
A/N: Well I'm kinda terrified of publishing this on the net, but I suppose it's gotta happen
sometime hasn't it. My first non-M/L or Logan, or Max related fic. Welcome to the travesty that
is my very first Alec-fic,hopefully first of many cause I hafta admit he's growing on me more and
more :) If I don't have his character down exactly, please bear in mind that I've not seen season
2 in the UK yet and that he IS at the end of his tether here!
Please Review here cause I'd really appreciate the feedback if I'm ever going to continue writing
for Alec.
___________________________________________________________
The lightening blazed across the night sky and illuminated the darkened corners of Max's
apartment. Sitting in bed after having yet another hard time trying to get some hardly needed
sleep, she was reading a book Logan had given her. It was pretty involved, by some Tolkien
guy, but he'd insisted it was one of the greats he'd read as a teenager. Max had to agree it was
pretty interesting if completely far fetched. Logan had only suggested developing more of an
imagination in reading it. So, there she was after midnight chilling with his book in an otherwise
empty apartment. Being Saturday night, Cindy had hit Crash with the others and obviously
hooked herself up with some girl she'd no doubt claim was nothing but 'damn fine'.
In the middle of a particularly envoking chapter Max's sensitive hearing picked up something
shuffling out in the corridor. Shrugging it off she returned her attention to the page she was on,
only to be disturbed by the sound again. As she laid the book on the bed and got up, she made
her way silently through the apartment arriving behind the closed door in a pair of black shorts
and a dark blue tank. As the soft thump echoed through the wood beside her, Max took a deep
breath and opened the door, fully prepared to attack whatever wierdo was sneaking around her
home at such a late hour.
"Alec? What the hell do you wa...?"
Max's verbal attack stopped dead as she took in the appearance of the man standing before her.
He was dressed casual as always, black jacket and blue jeans, everything soaked through. His
hair lay limply against his forehead, rain still dripping down his face as his eyes reluctantly rose
to meet her stern gaze. There was nothing smart about the Alec standing before her.
"What the hell happened to you?" she asked, her voice losing the majority of it's venom.
Alec didn't answer, only dropped his gaze towards the ground beneath his feet again, unwilling
to meet her scrutiny. In the hour it'd taken him to make his way from the bar to Max's sector he'd
done nothing but curse the fact that almost all of the alcohol in his system had begun to wear off,
the dimming effect growing less and less until he'd found himself standing in the doorway of her
building, debating whether or not to go up. The only reaction he managed was an involuntary
shiver as more water made it's way down his neck.
"Alec?"
His eyes rose slowly once again to meet hers, his expression lost and distant, eyes desperately
seeking a comfort no one had ever cared to offer.
"C'mon," Max said softly, finally realising there was something seriously going on with him and
whatever it was, it wasn't meant to be dealt with in the hall.
Reaching out she gripped the arm of his sodden jacket and tugged on it lightly, guiding him
inside as she continued to look him over, worry rising with every second he stayed silent. It
wasn't like him, no smart ass remarks, no argumentative comments to rile her up. This Alec
looked washed out, for all the world it was only an expression she remembered seeing on Ben's
troubled face before he died. Max hated seeing it again, even on Alec.
Alec didn't really know what he was doing there or why he'd even bothered in the first place. In
a drunken stupor where he'd hit rock bottom, he'd ended up on her doorstep. He followed her
direction, entering her home and stopping as she let go of him to close the door. Looking
around he took in how settled she was in her apartment, her home. He still didn't really know
what that felt like either, then again, how could he ever hope to being the man he was?
"Take off your jacket," she said matter of factly as she walked past him towards her room.
Pulling back the curtain she went inside and rummaged through her things until she found an old
T-shirt that was way too big for her. She'd only kept it around because it came in handy to have
clothes you didn't give a rats ass about when the building you lived in was falling apart. There
was also an old pair of baggy cargo's Herbal had left behind one night the crew had been out
drinking and ended up back with Original Cindy and her to crash out. A little big even for Alec,
but they were better than cold, wet jeans.
Tossing them out on the bed she pulled the curtain back and found Alec standing exactly where
she'd left him in the centre of the room. Walking out towards him she tossed a hand behind her
gesturing to the room behind the curtain. Stopping in front of him she peered up until she'd
managed to catch his eyes with hers again, her left arm rising to touch his right one lightly, while
her right directed him towards her room.
"Gotta get you outa these wet clothes," she said, taking the jacket he now held in his hand. "You
can change in there, I left some stuff out."
Silently Alec followed her direction and disappeared behind the curtain. Slipping out of his
sodden jeans and into the dry, baggy cargo's he made surprisingly efficient time considering the
amount of alcohol clouding his coordination.
Max paced the floor, her face frantic. Not only was she concerned, she was downright worried.
Listening closer she followed the movements behind the curtain and found all sounds of
movement growing fainter until they stopped altogether. Clearing her throat a few seconds later
she waited another moment before finally pulling the curtain back slowly, the dim light from the
lightening flashes splashing shadow across the room's walls. She couldn't see him at first.
"Alec?"
"Here," his voice reached out to her from the dark corner of her room.
Max entered letting the curtain fall closed behind her as she stopped by the bed and sat down.
Alec sat on the floor on the opposite side of the room, back pressed against the wall, knees
drawn up to his chest with his arms pinned beneath.
"Wanna tell me what's going on?" her voice tested.
"Nothing to talk about," he replied flatly, his voice blank showing neither upset or malice.
"Bull. What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Alec, come on..." she began growing tired of playing games.
"Come on Max, what do you want me to say?" Alec shot back, his eyes locking with hers, flashes
of anger and some other emotion betrayed in their depths.
"Tell me what's bothering you, or is that too obvious a request?" she shot back growing equally
as heated by his reluctance to speak up.
Alec felt a bitter snort of contempt escape him and once again he beat himself down inside for
falling true to form. Again the loser pissing someone else off.
"Why do you even care?" he asked after a few moments, sounding defeated.
Max had to stop at that point too. Normally she'd say 'because I care about you' or 'because
that's what friends do', but she'd never really given Alec much thought in that respect. Not out of
malice or hatred of him at all, just down to the fact that since she'd met him he'd never shown
any desire to have that kind of relationship, he'd never needed anything from her and it had
always suited him just fine to be content to piss her off.
"Because someone has to."
Her words were simple, but the very second they were spoken Alec's eyes shot up to meet hers.
How could she know so little about him and still know exactly what to say? How could someone
who saw him like everyone else did possibly give a damn? Max too noticed his physical reaction
and decided to continue along that line of discussion to find out what the deal was. Turning
round on the bed she tucked one leg up underneath her and prepared to sit there all night if
that's what it'd take.
Silence.
"I'm not him," Alec said in a voice bearly above a whisper.
"Who?"
"493," he began, unable to meet her gaze. "I'm not him."
"You think I don't know that already?" Max asked sounding surprised.
"That time I spent locked away in the facility after he died, it was the worst time of my life.
Useless tests, scenario's designed to trick me and break me down. Took the bastards six whole
fucking months to figure out I wasn't him."
Max couldn't speak, she had nothing to say. What on earth could she possibly say to make him
feel better after what they'd done to him. She knew fine well what Manticore's idea of
interrogation was and even worse, what they're mind games could be like. Part of the main
reason for Ben having such difficulty on the outside was because he couldn't let their torturous
shit go. It sickened her to her stomach that they'd messed up so many lives.
"I'd rather be back there, y'know that?" he asked breaking the awkward silence that had engulfed
them, his smile incredulous as he stated what must have sounded like the bizarre.
"Why would you ever want that?" Max asked in disbelief.
"The other kids, they're all free. Joshua, you..."
"We're all free, that's the point."
"I'm not," Alec cut in. "Not out here."
"When I first got out I was scared of everything. Zack was right when he said it was like being
completely surrounded by the enemy. Everywhere I went there'd be all these people, they'd look
at me and I'd think they were seeing me for the freak I was, then I realised that they were lookin'
at me the same way they look at each other. It was a long time before I finally felt good about
being out there." Max explained hoping he was following.. "I guess freedom and happiness
don't always go hand in hand, but one can lead to the other."
"When they look at me they see what everyone else sees, even the ones that think they know
who I am."
"The world's a judgmental place,"
"Don't." his bitter tone cut her off.
"Don't what?" she asked, genuinely lost.
"Don't say that like you're any different. You don't give a damn just like everyone else out there."
"I'm here right now aren't I?" she laid it all down on the line for him.
Alec looked away, temper dying down again as he shivered slightly and ran a hand through his
still dripping hair. It felt cold and bitter, just like he felt sitting there. Max sighed and grabbed
the blanket covering her bed and went to kneel by him, sensing that the conversation had gone
off into another tangent it hadn't intended to. It felt like it did that alot with Alec. Maybe that was
part of the problem.
As Alec felt Max's presence draw closer he felt his jaw clench tight and lock, but he was unable
to stop the single tear that spilled over and trickled slowly over his flushed cheek. Emotion was
weakness, but then again what weakness was there to be had for a shell of a man? Max
watched the tear as it caught the light and trailed down disappearing into darkness. If words
were always the problem then they'd have to get around that.
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice taking on a soothingly soft tone.
Alec slowly turned to face her, his eyes dark and brimming with a pain she recognised only too
well. Reaching out she avoided eye contact, letting him get more comfortable with the kind of
contact they'd all missed at one time or another. Brushing away the trail the tear had left behind
she bit her lip slightly and sighed a slow, airy sigh. Alec's body began to shiver and tremble
more and more.
"Sshhh," she breathed, raising her right arm out of the way. "It's okay."
As Alec's head lowered slowly towards her lap Max leaned back against the wall, her left hand
settling on top of his head to gently slide into his hair while the other draped over the body
curled up in her arms. She felt his hot tears as they made contact with her skin. It wasn't the
first time the broken world around them had been the one to break one of them down, but it
could be the one time they didn't have to be alone. Grabbing the blanket she pulled it up around
them and just held him close.
"Max!" Alec finally gasped. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be." she reassured him.
"No you don't understand. I don't mean to piss you off or make you hate me, I just...I don't know
how to be you. I don't know how to be a person outside of Manticore. I'm only good for one life
and that life's not out here."
"You're not." she said, trying to convince him otherwise to no avail.
"Just a worthless screw up who doesn't matter to anybody."
There was another long silence. The hot sting of tears blinded Alec and he closed his eyes to
the dim light in the room. Max's fingers combing through his hair felt surprisingly soothing. He
could feel the tension being swept out of his body to be replaced by something he didn't
recognise. Comfort.
Back at Manticore kids grew up never knowing the intimate touch of another in that manner.
There emotion was weakness, a weakness they'd surely be punished for showing. The
comforting act of just being close to someone else was something left vacant in their lives. Alec
had never known it before now. No one had ever been there to care about him or how he was
feeling, no one who'd want to try and comfort him or be there when he needed it. Just having
that for a second now was enough to make him want to cry again. Such a beautiful feeling to
have kept out of a life.
"You matter to me," Max finally whispered softly above his ear.
Alec's eyes flew open but he didn't move or make to speak. The realisation and company was
enough for the moment.
"If we fight it doesn't mean I don't care," she continued, feeling his nervous touch seeking hers
from beneath the blanket.
Alec's left hand found it's way out from under the blanket to hers, taking it softly he squeezed it
tight, trying to convey in actions what he couldn't say with words. Max appreciated and
understood the gesture. That was definitely it, she'd found a way around it. If words were the
problem, she knew Alec could make himself felt with her in other ways.
Gradually Alec sat up, the blanket pooling at his waist as he turned to face Max beside him on
the floor. He wasn't sure if he could really let her know what it meant to him, how much it felt like
his life had changed overnight. Then again, he supposed it didn't really matter. Holding out his
hand for hers he locked eyes with her.
"Thank you." Alec said, the crack still evident in his voice as he spoke softly.
Max reached out without hesitation and took it, sliding her palm flat against his. There was
nothing of a romantic nature involved, although the bond itself was just as strong. Although Max
didn't know it, in Alec's eyes she'd saved his life, his lifeline in a world that had been slowly
drowning him. Feeling his response Max offered Alec one of her slight smiles as she cocked her
head to one side very slightly.
"Hey, just doin' what friends do right?"
"I dunno," Alec felt his lips curve into an involuntary smile. "I'm still new at this game
remember?"
"Well if you ever have any problems in future I'm right here okay?" Max said. "Don't have to let
things tear you up like tonight."
"Okay," he agreed, feeling a little embarrassed at appearing so vulnerable in front of her.
"Good," Max replied slipping her hand from his and leaning closer to him.
Alec followed her gesture and still looked surprised as he felt her small hands splay out on his
back, pulling him into a tight hug. It took him a few seconds to react, but slowly his eyes closed
in sheer relief as he let his arms encircle her, holding her just as tightly. Slowly, after a few long
moments of peace Max slipped back out of his arms and stood up.
"You're staying here tonight," she stated. "Can't go back out in that storm."
"Whatever you say," Alec replied in a tone much more characteristic of the man she'd met in the
barracks. Which side's mine?"
Max turned almost dropping the book she'd picked up off her bed and stared at him, verbal
abuse at the ready for another of their matches. She was greeted by Alec's sly smirk, but his
eyes were aglow with something she knew ran deeper than whatever lay on the surface for
others to see. It may not have seemed as apparent before, but even Alec had layers, depths
which Max knew only too well.
"Sofa's out there," she retorted gesturing aimlessly towards the room on the other side of the
curtain. "An' if you even think about goin' near Original Cindy's bed I'm not gonna be the one to
hold her back when she tries to lay a smackdown on your ass."
"Okay, okay," he said raising his hands in surrender. "I'm goin' already."
Max watched as Alec left her room and busied herself with getting back into bed. She'd only just
picked up her book and opened it to the page she'd dropped it at when Alec's head poked in
through the curtain again.
"One more thing?"
"Yeah?" Max rolled her eyes and sat the book down by the bedside again, giving up on reading
entirely.
"What time's breakfast?"
By the time the cushion had hit the curtain Alec's head had already ducked back out of the room
under cover. With a muffled sigh Max turned over and stared at the wall, waiting for something
that'd pass for sleep.
* * *
On the other side of the curtain Alec lay awake on the sofa all night. Sleep was kept distant by
the constant reply of the night's events. His head thumped with a dull ache that passed for the
best an X5's hangover could amount to, yet he easily dismissed it. He wouldn't confuse the
message in Max's actions, how could he? He'd been as much a party to her moping as anyone
else since they'd escaped Manticore's clutches.
Tenderness as something that was missing in his life, or something that had been once. Alec
had never felt the kind of comfort he'd received from Max that night, everything felt so different
now. Like for the first time in his life there was something else there that could surprise him.
The cold that had surrounded him was already beginning to lessen, the warmth of heart shown
for him by another easily beating it back to the recesses from which it came.
A knowing smirk characteristic of only 494 tugged at his lips as he stared absently at the ceiling.
Life wasn't going to be all 'born again boy' with him, far from it, but he definitely knew he wasn't
alone and for that he was grateful. Alec didn't suppose Max'd ever really know how much, for
what was language for him but another barrier to be dealt with. At least there was someone out
there who really knew who and what he was, and more importantly, who actually cared. He
could learn to be a man in this strange world afterall, confidence flaring with the knowledge that
there'd be someone there for him who understood who he was.
X5/494 wouldn't be gone, maybe just pushed to the back of his mind, the soldier no more. For
the first time since the escape there was only Alec.
WRITTEN BY: Drea Jackman
EMAIL: [email protected]
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Suddenly cast out of the only life he's ever known, Alec is alone and dealing with it
the only way he knows how. But, who'll be there to throw him a life line when he's going under?
DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters involved. They belong to Cameron/Eglee
Producions :(
ARCHIVE: If I've said yes before I'll say it again, otherwise email me 'n' lemme know.
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg, please? ...D'OH!
A/N: Well I'm kinda terrified of publishing this on the net, but I suppose it's gotta happen
sometime hasn't it. My first non-M/L or Logan, or Max related fic. Welcome to the travesty that
is my very first Alec-fic,hopefully first of many cause I hafta admit he's growing on me more and
more :) If I don't have his character down exactly, please bear in mind that I've not seen season
2 in the UK yet and that he IS at the end of his tether here!
Please Review here cause I'd really appreciate the feedback if I'm ever going to continue writing
for Alec.
___________________________________________________________
The lightening blazed across the night sky and illuminated the darkened corners of Max's
apartment. Sitting in bed after having yet another hard time trying to get some hardly needed
sleep, she was reading a book Logan had given her. It was pretty involved, by some Tolkien
guy, but he'd insisted it was one of the greats he'd read as a teenager. Max had to agree it was
pretty interesting if completely far fetched. Logan had only suggested developing more of an
imagination in reading it. So, there she was after midnight chilling with his book in an otherwise
empty apartment. Being Saturday night, Cindy had hit Crash with the others and obviously
hooked herself up with some girl she'd no doubt claim was nothing but 'damn fine'.
In the middle of a particularly envoking chapter Max's sensitive hearing picked up something
shuffling out in the corridor. Shrugging it off she returned her attention to the page she was on,
only to be disturbed by the sound again. As she laid the book on the bed and got up, she made
her way silently through the apartment arriving behind the closed door in a pair of black shorts
and a dark blue tank. As the soft thump echoed through the wood beside her, Max took a deep
breath and opened the door, fully prepared to attack whatever wierdo was sneaking around her
home at such a late hour.
"Alec? What the hell do you wa...?"
Max's verbal attack stopped dead as she took in the appearance of the man standing before her.
He was dressed casual as always, black jacket and blue jeans, everything soaked through. His
hair lay limply against his forehead, rain still dripping down his face as his eyes reluctantly rose
to meet her stern gaze. There was nothing smart about the Alec standing before her.
"What the hell happened to you?" she asked, her voice losing the majority of it's venom.
Alec didn't answer, only dropped his gaze towards the ground beneath his feet again, unwilling
to meet her scrutiny. In the hour it'd taken him to make his way from the bar to Max's sector he'd
done nothing but curse the fact that almost all of the alcohol in his system had begun to wear off,
the dimming effect growing less and less until he'd found himself standing in the doorway of her
building, debating whether or not to go up. The only reaction he managed was an involuntary
shiver as more water made it's way down his neck.
"Alec?"
His eyes rose slowly once again to meet hers, his expression lost and distant, eyes desperately
seeking a comfort no one had ever cared to offer.
"C'mon," Max said softly, finally realising there was something seriously going on with him and
whatever it was, it wasn't meant to be dealt with in the hall.
Reaching out she gripped the arm of his sodden jacket and tugged on it lightly, guiding him
inside as she continued to look him over, worry rising with every second he stayed silent. It
wasn't like him, no smart ass remarks, no argumentative comments to rile her up. This Alec
looked washed out, for all the world it was only an expression she remembered seeing on Ben's
troubled face before he died. Max hated seeing it again, even on Alec.
Alec didn't really know what he was doing there or why he'd even bothered in the first place. In
a drunken stupor where he'd hit rock bottom, he'd ended up on her doorstep. He followed her
direction, entering her home and stopping as she let go of him to close the door. Looking
around he took in how settled she was in her apartment, her home. He still didn't really know
what that felt like either, then again, how could he ever hope to being the man he was?
"Take off your jacket," she said matter of factly as she walked past him towards her room.
Pulling back the curtain she went inside and rummaged through her things until she found an old
T-shirt that was way too big for her. She'd only kept it around because it came in handy to have
clothes you didn't give a rats ass about when the building you lived in was falling apart. There
was also an old pair of baggy cargo's Herbal had left behind one night the crew had been out
drinking and ended up back with Original Cindy and her to crash out. A little big even for Alec,
but they were better than cold, wet jeans.
Tossing them out on the bed she pulled the curtain back and found Alec standing exactly where
she'd left him in the centre of the room. Walking out towards him she tossed a hand behind her
gesturing to the room behind the curtain. Stopping in front of him she peered up until she'd
managed to catch his eyes with hers again, her left arm rising to touch his right one lightly, while
her right directed him towards her room.
"Gotta get you outa these wet clothes," she said, taking the jacket he now held in his hand. "You
can change in there, I left some stuff out."
Silently Alec followed her direction and disappeared behind the curtain. Slipping out of his
sodden jeans and into the dry, baggy cargo's he made surprisingly efficient time considering the
amount of alcohol clouding his coordination.
Max paced the floor, her face frantic. Not only was she concerned, she was downright worried.
Listening closer she followed the movements behind the curtain and found all sounds of
movement growing fainter until they stopped altogether. Clearing her throat a few seconds later
she waited another moment before finally pulling the curtain back slowly, the dim light from the
lightening flashes splashing shadow across the room's walls. She couldn't see him at first.
"Alec?"
"Here," his voice reached out to her from the dark corner of her room.
Max entered letting the curtain fall closed behind her as she stopped by the bed and sat down.
Alec sat on the floor on the opposite side of the room, back pressed against the wall, knees
drawn up to his chest with his arms pinned beneath.
"Wanna tell me what's going on?" her voice tested.
"Nothing to talk about," he replied flatly, his voice blank showing neither upset or malice.
"Bull. What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Alec, come on..." she began growing tired of playing games.
"Come on Max, what do you want me to say?" Alec shot back, his eyes locking with hers, flashes
of anger and some other emotion betrayed in their depths.
"Tell me what's bothering you, or is that too obvious a request?" she shot back growing equally
as heated by his reluctance to speak up.
Alec felt a bitter snort of contempt escape him and once again he beat himself down inside for
falling true to form. Again the loser pissing someone else off.
"Why do you even care?" he asked after a few moments, sounding defeated.
Max had to stop at that point too. Normally she'd say 'because I care about you' or 'because
that's what friends do', but she'd never really given Alec much thought in that respect. Not out of
malice or hatred of him at all, just down to the fact that since she'd met him he'd never shown
any desire to have that kind of relationship, he'd never needed anything from her and it had
always suited him just fine to be content to piss her off.
"Because someone has to."
Her words were simple, but the very second they were spoken Alec's eyes shot up to meet hers.
How could she know so little about him and still know exactly what to say? How could someone
who saw him like everyone else did possibly give a damn? Max too noticed his physical reaction
and decided to continue along that line of discussion to find out what the deal was. Turning
round on the bed she tucked one leg up underneath her and prepared to sit there all night if
that's what it'd take.
Silence.
"I'm not him," Alec said in a voice bearly above a whisper.
"Who?"
"493," he began, unable to meet her gaze. "I'm not him."
"You think I don't know that already?" Max asked sounding surprised.
"That time I spent locked away in the facility after he died, it was the worst time of my life.
Useless tests, scenario's designed to trick me and break me down. Took the bastards six whole
fucking months to figure out I wasn't him."
Max couldn't speak, she had nothing to say. What on earth could she possibly say to make him
feel better after what they'd done to him. She knew fine well what Manticore's idea of
interrogation was and even worse, what they're mind games could be like. Part of the main
reason for Ben having such difficulty on the outside was because he couldn't let their torturous
shit go. It sickened her to her stomach that they'd messed up so many lives.
"I'd rather be back there, y'know that?" he asked breaking the awkward silence that had engulfed
them, his smile incredulous as he stated what must have sounded like the bizarre.
"Why would you ever want that?" Max asked in disbelief.
"The other kids, they're all free. Joshua, you..."
"We're all free, that's the point."
"I'm not," Alec cut in. "Not out here."
"When I first got out I was scared of everything. Zack was right when he said it was like being
completely surrounded by the enemy. Everywhere I went there'd be all these people, they'd look
at me and I'd think they were seeing me for the freak I was, then I realised that they were lookin'
at me the same way they look at each other. It was a long time before I finally felt good about
being out there." Max explained hoping he was following.. "I guess freedom and happiness
don't always go hand in hand, but one can lead to the other."
"When they look at me they see what everyone else sees, even the ones that think they know
who I am."
"The world's a judgmental place,"
"Don't." his bitter tone cut her off.
"Don't what?" she asked, genuinely lost.
"Don't say that like you're any different. You don't give a damn just like everyone else out there."
"I'm here right now aren't I?" she laid it all down on the line for him.
Alec looked away, temper dying down again as he shivered slightly and ran a hand through his
still dripping hair. It felt cold and bitter, just like he felt sitting there. Max sighed and grabbed
the blanket covering her bed and went to kneel by him, sensing that the conversation had gone
off into another tangent it hadn't intended to. It felt like it did that alot with Alec. Maybe that was
part of the problem.
As Alec felt Max's presence draw closer he felt his jaw clench tight and lock, but he was unable
to stop the single tear that spilled over and trickled slowly over his flushed cheek. Emotion was
weakness, but then again what weakness was there to be had for a shell of a man? Max
watched the tear as it caught the light and trailed down disappearing into darkness. If words
were always the problem then they'd have to get around that.
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice taking on a soothingly soft tone.
Alec slowly turned to face her, his eyes dark and brimming with a pain she recognised only too
well. Reaching out she avoided eye contact, letting him get more comfortable with the kind of
contact they'd all missed at one time or another. Brushing away the trail the tear had left behind
she bit her lip slightly and sighed a slow, airy sigh. Alec's body began to shiver and tremble
more and more.
"Sshhh," she breathed, raising her right arm out of the way. "It's okay."
As Alec's head lowered slowly towards her lap Max leaned back against the wall, her left hand
settling on top of his head to gently slide into his hair while the other draped over the body
curled up in her arms. She felt his hot tears as they made contact with her skin. It wasn't the
first time the broken world around them had been the one to break one of them down, but it
could be the one time they didn't have to be alone. Grabbing the blanket she pulled it up around
them and just held him close.
"Max!" Alec finally gasped. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be." she reassured him.
"No you don't understand. I don't mean to piss you off or make you hate me, I just...I don't know
how to be you. I don't know how to be a person outside of Manticore. I'm only good for one life
and that life's not out here."
"You're not." she said, trying to convince him otherwise to no avail.
"Just a worthless screw up who doesn't matter to anybody."
There was another long silence. The hot sting of tears blinded Alec and he closed his eyes to
the dim light in the room. Max's fingers combing through his hair felt surprisingly soothing. He
could feel the tension being swept out of his body to be replaced by something he didn't
recognise. Comfort.
Back at Manticore kids grew up never knowing the intimate touch of another in that manner.
There emotion was weakness, a weakness they'd surely be punished for showing. The
comforting act of just being close to someone else was something left vacant in their lives. Alec
had never known it before now. No one had ever been there to care about him or how he was
feeling, no one who'd want to try and comfort him or be there when he needed it. Just having
that for a second now was enough to make him want to cry again. Such a beautiful feeling to
have kept out of a life.
"You matter to me," Max finally whispered softly above his ear.
Alec's eyes flew open but he didn't move or make to speak. The realisation and company was
enough for the moment.
"If we fight it doesn't mean I don't care," she continued, feeling his nervous touch seeking hers
from beneath the blanket.
Alec's left hand found it's way out from under the blanket to hers, taking it softly he squeezed it
tight, trying to convey in actions what he couldn't say with words. Max appreciated and
understood the gesture. That was definitely it, she'd found a way around it. If words were the
problem, she knew Alec could make himself felt with her in other ways.
Gradually Alec sat up, the blanket pooling at his waist as he turned to face Max beside him on
the floor. He wasn't sure if he could really let her know what it meant to him, how much it felt like
his life had changed overnight. Then again, he supposed it didn't really matter. Holding out his
hand for hers he locked eyes with her.
"Thank you." Alec said, the crack still evident in his voice as he spoke softly.
Max reached out without hesitation and took it, sliding her palm flat against his. There was
nothing of a romantic nature involved, although the bond itself was just as strong. Although Max
didn't know it, in Alec's eyes she'd saved his life, his lifeline in a world that had been slowly
drowning him. Feeling his response Max offered Alec one of her slight smiles as she cocked her
head to one side very slightly.
"Hey, just doin' what friends do right?"
"I dunno," Alec felt his lips curve into an involuntary smile. "I'm still new at this game
remember?"
"Well if you ever have any problems in future I'm right here okay?" Max said. "Don't have to let
things tear you up like tonight."
"Okay," he agreed, feeling a little embarrassed at appearing so vulnerable in front of her.
"Good," Max replied slipping her hand from his and leaning closer to him.
Alec followed her gesture and still looked surprised as he felt her small hands splay out on his
back, pulling him into a tight hug. It took him a few seconds to react, but slowly his eyes closed
in sheer relief as he let his arms encircle her, holding her just as tightly. Slowly, after a few long
moments of peace Max slipped back out of his arms and stood up.
"You're staying here tonight," she stated. "Can't go back out in that storm."
"Whatever you say," Alec replied in a tone much more characteristic of the man she'd met in the
barracks. Which side's mine?"
Max turned almost dropping the book she'd picked up off her bed and stared at him, verbal
abuse at the ready for another of their matches. She was greeted by Alec's sly smirk, but his
eyes were aglow with something she knew ran deeper than whatever lay on the surface for
others to see. It may not have seemed as apparent before, but even Alec had layers, depths
which Max knew only too well.
"Sofa's out there," she retorted gesturing aimlessly towards the room on the other side of the
curtain. "An' if you even think about goin' near Original Cindy's bed I'm not gonna be the one to
hold her back when she tries to lay a smackdown on your ass."
"Okay, okay," he said raising his hands in surrender. "I'm goin' already."
Max watched as Alec left her room and busied herself with getting back into bed. She'd only just
picked up her book and opened it to the page she'd dropped it at when Alec's head poked in
through the curtain again.
"One more thing?"
"Yeah?" Max rolled her eyes and sat the book down by the bedside again, giving up on reading
entirely.
"What time's breakfast?"
By the time the cushion had hit the curtain Alec's head had already ducked back out of the room
under cover. With a muffled sigh Max turned over and stared at the wall, waiting for something
that'd pass for sleep.
* * *
On the other side of the curtain Alec lay awake on the sofa all night. Sleep was kept distant by
the constant reply of the night's events. His head thumped with a dull ache that passed for the
best an X5's hangover could amount to, yet he easily dismissed it. He wouldn't confuse the
message in Max's actions, how could he? He'd been as much a party to her moping as anyone
else since they'd escaped Manticore's clutches.
Tenderness as something that was missing in his life, or something that had been once. Alec
had never felt the kind of comfort he'd received from Max that night, everything felt so different
now. Like for the first time in his life there was something else there that could surprise him.
The cold that had surrounded him was already beginning to lessen, the warmth of heart shown
for him by another easily beating it back to the recesses from which it came.
A knowing smirk characteristic of only 494 tugged at his lips as he stared absently at the ceiling.
Life wasn't going to be all 'born again boy' with him, far from it, but he definitely knew he wasn't
alone and for that he was grateful. Alec didn't suppose Max'd ever really know how much, for
what was language for him but another barrier to be dealt with. At least there was someone out
there who really knew who and what he was, and more importantly, who actually cared. He
could learn to be a man in this strange world afterall, confidence flaring with the knowledge that
there'd be someone there for him who understood who he was.
X5/494 wouldn't be gone, maybe just pushed to the back of his mind, the soldier no more. For
the first time since the escape there was only Alec.