In the sun
A/N: Yay, first 90210 story! I needed to write this because despite the fact That Dustin's leaving, these two need their happy ending, dammit. The song is 'In the Sun' by Joseph Arthur, it's quite lovely. I hope you enjoy. Reviews are love. (:
--
I picture you in the sun,
Wondering,
What went wrong
It's ridiculous, really. You knew. After all; this is Ethan Ward. The guy you shouldn't even consider liking as a friend. He is in Dixon's words, King Jock and that wouldn't change. He'd always have the tan skin, the bright eyes and the gleaming smile. He'd always have a lacrosse stick in one hand and his latest fling in the other, whilst you'd be updating the Vicious circle. He'd always be your polar opposite on every level. It couldn't work even if you wanted it to, which you don't. (Maybe you're kind of curious.)
You want to say you never did or could connect with him.
You want to say you're completely in love with your sweet boyfriend who stands by you through everything.
You want to say the kiss didn't leave you breathless, aching for more.
You want to say a lot of things but you can't find the right words before he walks away.
He's gorgeous. You'd noticed before, of course, it was hard not to. But now this. This had changed everything that was once set in stone. The fact that you, Dixon, Annie and Ethan had this OC-esque perfect "we're the fabulous four!" thing going on; of course things couldn't stay perfect. This was Beverley Hills, a beautiful masquerade ball that disguised the disasters inside.
And as you wander aimlessly back into the party, you can't help but wonder why, just why did you chase after him instead of standing by Dixon? Why were you kissing back? Why did you choose Ethan over Dixon?
And falling down on your knees,
Asking for
sympathy
In the end, the answer is all too simple. You fell for Dixon, fast and hard but you know it must be just as easy to fall out of love just as quickly as you can fall in.
The party is beginning to fade away now; you must have stayed outside longer than you thought. By the time you've found Dixon, people are departing. You approach him tentatively.
"Hey." You say cautiously. He smiles sadly.
"You went after him." He states factually. Like it's the answer to something to a mystery he's been trying to figure out. When he makes eye contact, you feel like crying, but you don't. He doesn't need anymore of your drama.
And being caught in between
All you wish for
And all you seen
"I did. I went after him." You confirm. This is the boy you know you should be falling for all over again, because he's beautiful too. Why couldn't you just fall in love with him all over again?
He embraces you. He doesn't begin to argue and nor do you. It's not going to get either one of you anywhere anyway. He had his answer when you decided to chase after Ethan. And in a way, he's in a better position than you are. At least he has clarity. At least he knows. For some people, not knowing is exciting, but you like knowing. Dixon once told you that you thought you had the whole world figured out and you knew he was right, you did. You thought you had the world figured out until Ethan Ward just had to go and kiss you.
A slow song starts playing as if on cue and you both begin to slow dance. All of a sudden you wish that you had never met him. That you had still to meet him and this time you wouldn't have messed it up by liking your jock friend.
"It's over isn't it?" You choke out.
"It's over Silver." He confirms, almost in a relieved tone.
And trying to find anything,
You can feel,
That you can believe in
--
You wake up all mascara tears.
Kelly pesters you like the great older sister she is, "Did you and Dixon break up? Oh honey I'm sorry. It's always hard loosing your first love." She offered advice to you, but it only made you feel worse.
Loosing Dixon wasn't hard, especially when you knew you'd gain Ethan from it. It felt like the relationship had come to a natural end. You'd always find a photograph of him somewhere and smile sentimentally. You probably could still have the guy in your life as a friend and if you're honest with yourself, you knew you'd both stay friends. It was unavoidable with Annie in the equation.
That's when the call comes through.
It's Annie and she probably wants to lecture you about the Dixon break up, you can already hear her voice; what are you doing? My brother is like, the love of your life! You're both meant to be together!
"Hey. Look Annie I know he's your brother but –
"It's Ethan," she begins, her tone full of heartbreak and she's sniffing after crying, "Silver I ran him over...I was drinking and I couldn't, I – I didn't know..." The girl could barely create a coherent sentence.
"Annie, what is he okay? Is Ethan okay?" If things were still constant, unchanging and your friends sobs would be making you want to go and comfort her.
All you can think about is him.
"I, I don't know I –
"Is Ethan alive?" You clarify, holding yourself back from shouting.
"Yeah...yeah he's alive." She stutters out.
You flip your cell phone shut and rush out the house in a flurry of dark hair and red.
You've just washed away all the mascara and now it's just going to appear again, the wounds on your heart evident on your face.
--
I know I would apologize,
If I could,
See you eyes
You've been at the hospital for two days straight, making it obvious that something has happened. You did not want or need to explain yourself to anyone, namely Annie. You were Silver and you didn't do explanations. You lived your life without remorse until Annie herself came along, so why change that?
"You can go Silver." Annie has been here two days straight too. Everyone else comes and goes; Naomi visited only to slap Annie and kiss Ethan on the forehead, Dixon came but soon left when the situation with you got too tense to take.
"You haven't told her, have you?" He asked bitterly. You replied with a short, snappy, "No, I haven't told her. My forbidden love kind of takes a backseat when your best friends constantly in tears, when your ex-boyfriend keeps questioning you and the guy you feel for in the first place is barely breathing. So no, Dixon I haven't."
'Cause when you showed me myself,
You know,
I became someone else
It's the third day when you realize that firstly, it's time to get a shower.
You have Annie sleepover that night. It just seems right. Ethan was in a coma. Heartbeat was there. Brain activity was there.
What you needed for him to do was wake up.
Secondly, as you dry your hair, you realize you need to tell Annie before this thing drags on and becomes one of those...things that drag on.
"I was in love with him. I thought we were meant to be together." Annie states sentimentally. You flinch. This might just be too much for her.
"Annie...Ethan did something at the Prom. And before I tell you this, you need to know that this was certainly not planned." You put emphasis on the not planned part, but it's the things that are unplanned that result in a broken heart.
"Are you pregnant?" Annie asks, stroking some of her damp hair behind her ear.
"No, we have Adrianna for that." You both let out soft laughs. Your hand flies to the back of your neck in complete anxiety. "Annie...Ethan kissed me."
You've seen this in movies and of course, TV all the time. The person tries to pass it off as "They kissed me, it was all them..." in a desperate attempt to sugar coat the blow. It didn't work though, not in the fiction and not now.
"And you kissed him back...that's why you ended things with Dixon. You want Ethan." She says her mouth agape.
You don't say anything, because nothing can make this any better. It's the truth and there's no denying it.
"I think...yeah I do. I'm sorry Annie, I am. But he wants me and I want him."
For a fleeting minute, she contemplates her situation in thought. She loved him – she really did.
Sometimes, love just isn't enough. If it was, Ethan would be right here with you. You just feel that. Love is strange, Kelly would say, it's like your sharing this static with someone...it's unexplainable, chemistry is unexplainable. So don't try to make sense of it, Erin.
So you don't try to make sense of this, at all. And for tonight, Annie doesn't either.
But I Was Caught In Between
All You Wish For And All You Need
I Picture You Fast Asleep
a Nightmare Comes
You Can't Keep Away
--
It's midway through summer when your hope starts to flicker.
You're at his bedside constantly. Dixon's nostrils used to flare with rage in the beginning; you were so devoted to Ethan, the guy that went out on you. Dixon was still there. Naomi would sometimes call in, her eyes glazed over.
"I'd never thought..." she trails off.
"What is it?" You ask. If this experience has taught you anything, it's not to let feelings go unexpressed.
"You and him. It's strange, you know? Considering how close we were." She's all tan and her mane is free, blond curls orbiting her face.
"I never planned this. I really...God, I just don't even know why or how I got here." You sigh, exasperated.
"I know." Naomi nods thoughtfully. "I don't know how we got here either. You know if it hadn't been for her...we'd be a lot different right now."
It's not said in her usual superior manner. It's factual. Had Annie Wilson never took residence in Beverley Hills, could be happy. Naomi and Ethan could be happy.
--
If There Is Anyone
Who Is In the Sun
Will You Help Me to Understand
Your newfound dislike of Annie is what brought you and Naomi back together, so it seems.
You both spend the afternoon shopping; buying bikinis and sunglasses you both know you'll never wear because you'll be inside with him.
"He's going to wake up." She says. "And when he does, you're going to need appropriate swimwear."
You haven't had this much fun with a friend for a long, long time.
--
You spend days gifting him with music. You're sure his iPod is filled with hip hop, so you take the opportunity to make him listen to some real music.
"Wake up. You can't tell me you want more and then not wake up, jock boy." You take his hand.
'Cause I Been Caught In Between
All I Wish For And All I Need
Maybe You're Not Even Sure
What It's For
Anymore Than Me
Annie walks in tentatively, Dixon in tow.
"Hey." You say. They greet you back; talk before Annie pulls you aside when Dixon goes to get drinks.
"I forgive you. Besides, I and Ethan weren't even together so it's okay. I know this was my fault anyway...I'm sorry, Silver."
If she wasn't so sweet you'd be pulling her hair out. Or just making up some rumour about her having herpes and posting it on the blog.
--
'Cause if I find,
If I find my way,
How much will I find?
It's nearly the end of summer.
Naomi comes in. It's just you two talking.
That's when it happens.
It's a miracle. Nothing short of a miracle. His parents were doubtful, truth be told, you were starting to grow pessimistic too (forever the cynic) but he proves you wrong.
You want to kiss him right there and then, but you don't. At this point Naomi is cheering in relief and already organising 'The end of summer slash Ethan Ward freaking' woke up bash!'
"Hey you." Is his greeting.
"Hey yourself." You smirk back, kissing his forehead.
"You know I'd tell you both to get a room but I know you'll already do that later." Naomi rolls her eyes as you and he erupt into laughter, misted by tears of sheer joy.
--
You're in your room, completely ecstatic.
There's a knock on the door. You just know it's him.
"I see my iPod has had a make over. Your work, of course." He smiles. That face, that mouth, those eyes.
"You even remembered me." You say, voice full of pride.
"Like I could forget." He replies sweetly.
You approach him nervously. You begin to feel all clammy and flustered. Why? You ask yourself. This was random, you and Ethan?
"I don't know where we are going or how we even got here." You laugh softly. "I also know that you and I are different. Very different –
"Opposites attract -" He interrupted, smiling. You put a finger on his lips.
"I broke up with Dixon. Actually, I didn't really need too. It was over." You inform him.
"Good. Guy didn't stand a chance anyway, honey." He whispers in that way that makes you just want to throw him on your bed.
"You're calling me honey? We're not at that stage in our relationship yet, jock boy." You tell him playfully.
"Are we at this stage yet?" He kisses you. You kiss back.
This time, it's not torturous or conflicted. You know, he's the one you want.
Something about this tells you it's meant to be. The connection, the kisses. You're not going to declare your love for him, he won't to you. It doesn't matter. When he spends the rest of his night kissing you and squeezing your hand midway slumber, you both have your answers.
If I find my own way
How much will I find?
You, you I'll find you