Title: I Stay In Love
Author: aquaxeyes
Rating: T for language
Full Description: Sequel to "Tears Under My Pillow". Five years have passed, and Usagi and Mamoru are getting on with their lives. What happens when they meet again?

Author's Notes: To Heraldo, lizsuki (3), SerentiyMoonGodness, Jovian Sun, Anony, EvaC, Here'sToTheNight, Mistoflees, S dot Serenity, kireisnowtenshi, sunbeam, icecreamy, Jingy5, Kana07, rosebudjamie, Moonlight Usagi-Chan, Unwritten Dreams, IceQueenBarbarien, alwaysNaruHina, neo dreamer, Incomplete Melody, midnightblue08, Connected-by-a-Semicolon, killua (2), Amormoi, rainbabie, Secluded Sapphire, Diana Prince, Mimi, Otaku Sae, LirielleA, champylin, 00, animefreak03, unlockurdestiny, ddc24, Valkarious, my3rdeyes, applenica, anne, Uhamilton, Crystal Snowflakes, bluedragonnn, Jessie F. Babi, REDWOLF47, AngelsLuvMe, myfavoriteperson, sina, Death and Rebirth, Brizzy, ARABELLA VIOLETTA, scooby-blues, Roxy, moonxxprincessxx18, breaker99, pinkcarr, Damsels, NyanNyan96, Valenia, , justa reader, Perfect Beauty, Roxy1986, Guest, Guest, MayGirl85, smfanatic, Lala, smfan4ever72, kurokazeryuu, MK, championofjustice27, Rosemoonangel, Guest, Yvonnerenee, preston-gal, Glasya Yuy, Mia, su, lolilol, Syulai, AkumakoRonso, Guest, dragongurl-3, Guest, Guest, Guest, Moi, Xxferessa-TanXx, Princesakarlita411, Guest, sailor silvimoon, Guest, C.R. Carlyle, NikkiBC, Guest and Guest; thank you for your reviews for part five, for those who provided multiple reviews, and for the PMs over the years! This chapter is dedicated to you.

Thursday, 8/29/2019, was a very special day; it was the day I posted the last chapter of Tears Under My Pillow in 2008. That's right, ELEVEN years ago. And ten years ago, I began writing this sequel to Tears. I can tell you that a decade has changed me, but the one thing I carried with me is regret that I never finished I Stay in Love. I read all of your reviews and all of your private messages (I'm so sorry if I didn't respond), and each one pulled at my heartstrings and brought me back here to write. That anyone took the time to read either of my stories at all has been amazing and I can only hope as you read this chapter that it continues to convey the same message that has brought you back to read over the years.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end." –Unknown

Part Six. The Lines.

They were quiet the entire way over.

Usagi looked over at Mamoru, who had taken to staring at the traffic ahead. 'Just like last time.' Though honestly, she was fine with his choice to avoid looking at her since she was unabashedly observing him. 'His eyes..' It was what was missing in his eyes. Hope. She kept expecting to see it, but it was nowhere to be found. Not even the setting sun could've cast the shadows surrounding him.

She turned back to the road, noting the turn into the parking lot was in view. It was a mere breath of a moment between her thoughts about Mamoru.

It was unimaginable to think he was the same arrogant jerk who cheated on her five years ago. That Mamoru only cared about sex and his reputation. He would never have let Usagi blow up at him at his place of work, or give in to what she wanted because she was willing to walk away. This Mamoru was.. afraid. She looked at him again. 'What happened to you?'

Mamoru could already hear Elsa's voice in his head. 'What are you expecting? What outcome will this have?' He didn't have an answer. Usagi walking away broke his resolve and he reacted impulsively, he knew it.

"That's the first honest answer you've given me since this conversation started."

What she said stung. Then it burned. His anger, guilt, and sadness pressurized and the only way to release the heaviness of those feelings was to accept he deserved that. He was lying. But couldn't she see he was lying for the right reasons this time?

"I don't think spending time with each other is a good idea."

Usagi knew Mamoru said that for a reason. Yet she pushed. She called him out for trying to find an excuse to avoid her. 'Why did I push so hard?' Was she being stubborn because he was the one pulling away? Was she so determined to prove.. what was she trying to prove? And was she trying to prove it to him or to herself?

All too soon, Usagi turned into the parking lot and found a spot right by the entrance. A simple wooden sign saying "Open" hung in front of the small structure's gable.

Wordlessly, Usagi and Mamoru got out and walked into the restaurant. The place wasn't busy, so they were seated in a booth immediately.

"Can I start you two off with something to drink?" the hostess-slash-waitress asked when they settled in across from each other.

Usagi perked up. "Do you have a dry Riesling?"

"We have two options, one from France and the other from Germany."

"I'll take the one from France."

They both turned to Mamoru. Usagi fully expected he would go with a Malbec, and barely hid her surprise when he said, "May I have green tea, please?"

She waited a few beats after the waitress walked away to say, "I had my money on a Malbec."

Mamoru tilted his head as if he were surprised she remembered. "I don't really drink anymore."

Usagi couldn't suppress the "Why?"

Before he could reply, a cell phone went off. Mamoru pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and silenced it. Seven o'clock. "Could you excuse me for just a moment?"

Usagi watched him as he headed to the bathroom. 'So that wasn't a phone call.' She dug her own cell phone out. Seven o'clock. 'An alarm, perhaps?'

He didn't come back by the time their drinks were dropped off. Not wanting to risk bottle-necking the kitchen, she asked the waitress about ordering a chef's board assortment of their best and most popular sashimi and other menu items. He passed the waitress on her way to put the order in.

"I hope you don't mind that I ordered," Usagi said, motioning to the waitress. "I figured since neither of us have been here before we could try a variety of their greatest hits."

"I don't mind at all." Mamoru took a sip of his tea to drown out the taste of public bathroom sink water he'd drank and worked on a small smile. He'd decided, while he was downing his new medication and trying to get a grip on his crumbling courage, that he was in the situation he was in and he needed to try his best not to hurt Usagi ever again. Which meant.. smiling.

It was like she read his mind because she asked, "Are you okay?"

He paused, trying not to let his weak smile falter. 'Don't lie..' "Yes, I had to take my medication."

Her eyes turned inquisitive. He knew she was going to ask what the medication was, and he wasn't ready to say it aloud to anyone, especially her. Proactively, he redirected with a follow-up. "That's why I don't really drink anymore."

'Oh..' She nodded as she sipped her wine. "I guess that's a good thing. Less sugar for sure."

Mamoru used that as a reason to widen his smile. "That would be the silver lining."

Usagi stared, trying to buy into his smile. 'He's trying.' "I walk around with silver ink marker in my back pocket."

Something flickered in his eyes and for the first time since they'd cross paths five years after their last encounter, she saw laughter set alight in his smile.

"This must be where Emi-chan gets her sparkling personality," he said, watching her match his smile.

"She certainly didn't get it from Reika." Usagi knew that joke was in poor taste, but she couldn't help herself. Time had made her surprisingly bitter—surprisingly because if anything, watching Reika's sad rendition of motherhood was one of the worst forms of torture. Emi was an innocent little girl..

Mamoru didn't know what to say. Sure, he had been duped by Reika twice now, but he couldn't condemn her for the games she was playing. He had absolutely no goodness in him and therefore no room to judge. Looking at Usagi's scrunched up face, he had to wonder if his mistakes diminished the goodness in both her and Reika. 'I ruin everything I touch.'

Usagi broke from her thoughts to notice he hadn't said anything and the laughter in his eyes was gone. 'Did I take that away?' "I'm sorry," she said, as quickly as she could. "I.. you have no idea how the past five years have been with her."

He forced himself not to read into that statement the wrong way. "I don't," he agreed, cautiously. "It couldn't have been easy for anyone."

"Mamoru.."

She couldn't believe him. Here she was, talking about Motoki's ex-wife in a not-so-positive light, and instead of encouraging it, he was saying the dynamic between his ex-wife, his ex-best friend, and his ex-best friend's ex-wife couldn't have been easy for any party. It made her feel bad, that she was beyond any sympathy for Reika and that it took her ex-husband to see it. She suddenly found herself blurting out, "Don't you wish there were some sort of reset button in life?"

His face paled and an overwhelming sadness cross his eyes. The shadows she saw earlier wrapped around him, and he looked like he was sinking into them. It made her heart clench.

'A reset button..' How many times had Mamoru wished for one? How many nights did he wish he could take it all back, be a different, better person, just be anyone but who he was? How many times did he stand in the shower under the scalding hot water, scrubbing and scrubbing until he tore through skin, pleading to finally be clean? But the feeling of clean had eluded him. The mere fact that Usagi would even ask about a reset button in life meant he would never, ever be clean. He silently cleared the lump which had formed in his throat. "Why are we here, Usagi?"

His was a question that stumped her, even though she was asking herself the same question deep down. Why did she ask him to dinner? Why had she done anything to see him again? The first time she didn't expect to see him; it happened by some intervention orchestrated by Reika. Every other time seemed to be on her. Was there some small and perverse part of her that wanted to see the clear suffering he was going through? Did she need him to see how much better off she was under the guise of being kind?

'No!' Someone screamed in her mind. For a second, she couldn't place it, but it sounded like her voice. 'You know why you're here, Usagi! You know what you feel!'

It was her voice, but it came from a Usagi she hadn't known in so long. The Usagi who showed up at Tokyo International to find that no matter how mentally prepared she was to run into Mamoru there, she wasn't prepared to not run into him there. The Usagi who came across the house she shared with Mamoru listed for sale online with pictures of empty rooms. The Usagi who wished for her husband to disappear, and whose wish came true. Forgetting the reset button, the only wish she had now was to be able to read his unreadable face. "Take care of yourself, Usagi," she murmured.

The lump was back. "Wh—what?" he asked, not sure he heard her correctly.

"Take care of yourself, Usagi," she repeated and then sighed. "That's the last thing you said to me, and then you were just gone. You left Tokyo International, put the house up for sale. No one knew where you went. I didn't know where you went."

Mamoru nodded stiffly. He had waited until the last papers of their divorce showed up in the mailbox before agreeing to stake the "For Sale" sign on their house. He'd already sold or donated all the furniture and the more unnecessary things in preparation for downsizing to his apartment, and he couldn't bear to bring anything that reminded him of Usagi. He even donated all of his clothes and bought new ones since the clinic was more business casual than Tokyo International. Trapped in those reminiscences, he softly said, "I didn't want that life anymore."

"So you ran away?"

"I tried to move on," he said, feeling heat rush to his cheeks. Why did he have to defend himself? She got to move on; she took her wedding ring off three weeks after everything blew up, moved out, and got to work on a divorce petition with Rei. 'Because I'm despicable I should have had to deal with all the shit you left behind?'

"That's not moving on—"

"Neither is asking your ex to join you for dinner," he spat, then felt his face turn completely red realizing their waitress had returned to deliver their meal.

Usagi sunk back in her seat. He was right. His retort reminded her of the old Mamoru, and she felt relief at the emotion she was able to see, but damn if he wasn't right.

Watching their waitress set their table up with starters was a painfully slow process, and politely confirming they didn't need anything else before she left took much more effort than he felt capable of. "I'm very sorry," he said when she was out of earshot.

Usagi started dividing food between their plates. "You're right—"

"Doesn't mean I had to say it that way."

"But," she argued, handing him a plate, "you're right."

She waited for him to set his plate down, but when he did, he didn't even look at it. He was staring at her, still unreadable and intense enough for her to have to remember to breathe. "My point is, you disappeared into thin air."

Mamoru was sure she could tell he was trembling. "Didn't that make it easier for you?" he asked, not caring how unsteady his voice was. "Isn't that why you've so successfully moved on? Not knowing where I was, not having to think about or be reminded of me? You had Rei-san, Yuuichirou-san, Makoto-san, Hamada, and Motoki—"

"They weren't you." It came out as a whisper but it might as well have been a blare horn.

Mamoru stopped, speechless as the haze cleared from his eyes and saw Usagi, really saw her. She was sad, in pain, her eyes pooling. 'Damn it, why do you keep fucking hurting her?!'

A tear rolled down Usagi's face as a dam broke inside of her. "Did I move on? Yes. Was it easy? Yes and no. But I had to. I had no other choice. I had my friends, but I couldn't talk about you with them. Rei-chan had work and her life with Yuuichirou-chan. Mako-chan and Kiyoshi started to date. Motoki and Reika were trying and making things worse. I had work and Emi-chan but.. but they were distractions."

Mamoru involuntarily lurched back. Did she really understand what she was saying right now? "Distractions?"

"Distractions from thinking about you," Usagi said, unable to staunch the memories from bleeding out. "I thought about you often. I thought about the things you said when you dropped off our divorce papers and.. and I knew—I just knew—I hadn't gotten closure—"

"So this is what?" Mamoru ground out, interrupting her so he wouldn't hear any more of the things she drudged up. "Your way of getting closure?"

"I don't know."

"What do you want from me?"

"I don't know." In minutes, she had unraveled everything she'd built to attain her usual level of composure, leaving herself blank like a clean sheet of paper.

Mamoru was so confused. His irritation stirred, an emotion managing to overpower his regret, humiliation, and grief. "You came to my clinic, Usagi. You asked me to come here, and accused me of not reciprocating your effort to stay in contact when I hesitated. Now you're saying you've moved on, but you don't have closure." He shook his head, not knowing what else he could possibly say or do.

Their waitress came back to ask how their few first bites were, not knowing they hadn't even touched their food. While Mamoru thanked her for checking on them, Usagi wiped the second tear that threatened to fall from her eye and tried to recover herself. She knew she wasn't making any sense. The look on Mamoru's face told her he was at a loss for words, and if she couldn't pull herself together he was going to unravel with her.

In a way she knew what she wanted to tell him, but it was such an honest truth, an ice cold splash on the face, and she was still reeling from it.

She saw Mamoru gingerly pick up a piece of sashimi from his plate and place it in his mouth, chewing quietly. His hair fell in his face like rolling midnight black waves as he continued to look down. It dawned on her then that the reason she'd ever felt like she knew him so well was because he spoke to her through his eyes. From the first time they met, she found herself magnetized by his stormy blue gaze. Where people saw him as cold and aloof, she saw a cumulus of warmth and longing. And while she couldn't tell if the storm had dissipated, never to return, she had to see what was left in its wake. Had to know what was there.

Shakily, she tried to re-organize her thoughts. "My life imploded over the course of half a year, and when the dust settled, the world kept spinning. I thought I was fine. My friends had their lives to live and I didn't want to be a burden by seeming like a dweller, but when I realized you were gone.." 'Say it. Say it for both him and yourself.' "I couldn't process any more."

Usagi cursed those damn tears that started to brim in her eyes, blurring Mamoru's face as he looked up. She drew a long a breath, trying to calm herself. "I could live with knowing I was the one to walk away but I couldn't live with not knowing what happened to you. I had to freeze that part of myself in time, the part that missed you, so the rest of me could move on. For two years I've been able to drown it out. But seeing you now.. it's like that part of me is fighting to surface for air."

She hoped he understood what she meant. Wiping the tears once more, her eyes cleared to see a slight pink tinge to his cheeks and softly, he spoke.

"How.. dare you."

She shivered from the chill coming off those words, and from the look in his eyes. They were clouded over, impenetrable.

Mamoru's hands were balled into tight fists. He thought he heard a knuckle crack but he ignored it. "You were the one who walked away. I apologized, I begged for forgiveness, and you never gave it to me. I wanted to fight for our marriage; you wanted to end it. I was fucking miserable, and instead of adding to your pain, I went away; and now it's yet another one of the sins I've committed against you."

He saw her mouth fall open in shock, but he couldn't stop himself. "You wanted to see my pain, didn't you? You wanted my misery to validate you and help you move on?"

"No!"

"Then why, Usagi? Why is it so important to know what happened to me after you walked away?"

Usagi shook her head, too horrified by his words to put her own together.

Her silence was deafening. "I didn't leave Tokyo International or sell the house for you. I didn't do anything to punish you. But just so you know, my number never changed."

Mamoru dug into his pocket for his wallet, took some money out, and tucked it under his empty tea cup before climbing out of the booth. "You're selfish, Usagi."

Makoto tapped her foot impatiently, standing outside of Usagi's office. Usagi showed up an hour and a half ago and, like a zombie, paid no attention to the workers who greeted her, sauntered into her office, and locked herself inside. No one knew why she came in on her night off, and when Yuuichirou went to check on her he could hear muffled crying sounds through the door.

Makoto immediately passed the dinner rush to her sous chef had Yuuichirou call Rei. She knew better than to write this off. Now if only Rei could get here—

As if on cue, the raven-haired wonder strutted in, a sleeping Jomei strapped to her front. Makoto took a second to wonder how that woman made a convertible baby carrier holding a passed-out baby look like it deserved its one minute of runway fame before meeting her halfway.

Rei didn't question why Makoto put some distance between them and the door to Usagi's office. "No one's gone in?" she asked in a hushed tone.

Makoto shook her head and then motioned to the green tea she made twenty minutes ago.

Rei nodded and pulled her copy of the office key out while Makoto picked the serving tray of tea up, and they let themselves in.

Usagi was laying on her leather couch, cradled on her side, her hair splayed around her like a blanket. The center of her face was red from obvious crying, and her eyelids looked heavy. She had a tissue box on the coffee table and used, crumpled up tissues spread between the coffee table, the leather couch, and the floor.

Rei closed the door as Makoto set the serving tray on the coffee table and poured Usagi a cup. When she refused to sit up, Rei screeched, "Usagi!"

The brunette's eyes widened at Rei's tone of voice, and widened more when Usagi slowly pushed herself up and took the cup from her. "Thanks, Mako-chan."

Makoto and Rei took a seat on either side of her, watching her take a sip of tea.

"You have five minutes to wrap up this pity party and say something," Rei said with her no-nonsense voice.

Usagi took four, and when she did talk she sputtered through what transpired earlier in the day. Fresh tears came when she finished up with what Mamoru said before he left so Makoto fed her a couple more tissues.

"What hurts the most?" Rei asked, having processed through the entire story.

Usagi sniffled. "He called me selfish."

"What hurt more? The fact that he called you selfish or that you were being selfish?"

"Rei-chan!" Makoto gasped.

Usagi wiped at her eyes with her hands. "That I was being selfish."

"Stop, Usagi-chan," Makoto ordered, then turned to Rei. "How can you call her selfish?"

Rei tilted her head in her hawk-like way. "Were you not telling Mamoru-san that part of you wasn't able to move on because you hadn't kept up with him since the divorce?"

Usagi nodded her confirmation.

"Then that was selfish, but," Rei said, stopping Makoto from protesting, "it's in everyone's nature to be selfish, not just yours, Usagi. Some people are horrible with their selfishness, and that's why being called selfish is usually regarded with such a negative connotation."

Both Usagi and Makoto gaped at her as she tossed her hair nonchalantly. "Take Mamoru-san for example. I hated how selfish he had been when you were married, taking advantage of people for his own benefit. When he found out you knew the truth and filed for divorce, he saw what his selfishness cost him. Quitting his job and selling the house was his way of atoning for his abuse of selfishness; he wanted to strip away everything that took him down that path. Fast forward to now. His selfishness is rooted in self-preservation because he probably stripped too much away."

While Usagi took a moment to absorb what her best friend was saying, Makoto said, "Rei-chan, I didn't know you dabbled in behavioral science."

"Years of running into Elsa-san at Anytime Zen and picking her brain about my cases," Rei explained. "She has her own clinic now. Not saying you need a psychiatrist, but she's good and I'm sure she'd take a self-referral."

Usagi contemplated it. "I don't know that it would be a good fit, with her pink hair and all," she half-joked, then sighed. "I don't know where the hell I'm at. I'm second-guessing everything, especially why I've been reaching out to him."

"I'm one hundred percent sure it's for the same reason he went to Emi-chan's birthday, to your father's grave, and here," Rei said confidently. "Hell, I'm sure it's the same reason we've gone out of our way to make sure you see each other."

Makoto threw a kind smile toward Usagi's clueless face. "Usagi-chan, for years you poured all of your time into your "distractions", but you were never able to pour your full heart into them. I didn't believe when Yuuichirou-chan told us about Mamoru-san popping up out of the blue, but when Mamoru-san came here, I finally saw him and I saw you after you talked with him.. I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time."

"So now you're pro-Mamoru?"

"No, we will always be pro-Usagi. Look, Usagi," Rei said, making sure to catch the blonde's eyes before going on, "I'm a divorce lawyer. I legally separate unions and am pretty much a baggage claim department for my clients and their spouses. I've done this for so long it's impossible to not be jaded about love and marriage; why do you think Yuuichirou and I aren't married?"

Before Usagi or Makoto could say anything, she went on. "I've had a few cases that have challenged my outlook, so I think if you feel you have to see Mamoru-san, do it. Don't waste time with fear and worry. Just make sure do your due diligence: think it through and be ready for whatever the outcome may be."

"Nothing has to be decided tonight," Makoto added. "Take some time to clear your head. We'll help you any way we can."

Usagi grabbed both her friends' hands and nodded. "Thank you."

End Part Six.

( Additional A/N: So I'm not really one to try and defend my work, and if this comes across in any way that I am, please do not take it that way.

I am going to address a review left by Guest in February of 2016:

Thank you for reviewing my story! I can't say that I planned on you interpreting the characters the way you did, but I appreciate you sharing your insight. What you said about Usagi is spot on; because of Tears I know readers could be influenced to see Mamoru as the ultimate bad guy and/or that Usagi did nothing wrong, and this is something I heavily emphasized about these characters going into the sequel. I started writing I Stay In Love because in my world, there are no good guys or bad guys, only imperfect people who make mistakes. Some people grow from those mistakes. In this instance, neither Mamoru nor Usagi have had that growth in the time they have been apart. Mamoru's journey was centered around isolation, and even though he has been seeking help through Elsa, he hasn't been able to understand Elsa's purpose is to help him acknowledge his condition and develop his own action plan to address it and get better. Usagi's journey was about compartmentalization as she was grieving the loss of her marriage and Mamoru, and instead of growing through self-awareness, she found herself caught in the middle of Motoki's and Reika's drama. It's been messy, that's for sure, but that's why these moments between Mamoru and Usagi are so important; if they can't grow as a result of seeing each other again, is there any hope for them?

I wrote Tears because of a personal situation that happened to me involving cheating. I channeled all my emotion into that story and I knew it had to end the way it did. I Stay In Love was written at the crest of some personal revelation about human imperfection, and by the time I got to my last update in 2009, I honestly feared I wouldn't be able to write the way I did for Tears. I let this storyline slip away. For a decade I have had more experiences that redefined my rock bottom, and gratefully I've also had positive experiences that inspired and drew me back to this story. My experiences taught me that no matter how hard I've fallen, no matter what kind of hurt I had to go through, my heart is not one that will harden to this world. There is beauty and strength in vulnerability, and that's something you will see in this story. Ultimately that will be Mamoru's and Usagi's saving grace.

If you find yourself reading this again, thank you for your review! If the character development is still not your cup of tea, I've at least been able to accomplish one thing; to have put a story out there that made you feel something. Take care! )