TIGER, TIGER

by apollyon rises

A VIGNETTE

he who angers you conquers you.

"The problem with you, Gene, is that you think you can control everything."

"Nothin' wrong with that. S'called fact, Bolls. Look it up in the dictionary some time. Might do you some good."

"You can't control everything because I control you. Gene Hunt is nothing more than a construct. . . a figment of my imagination."

"Look up fruitcake and nutter while you're at it."

"I am going to go home to my little girl and you are not going to stop me."

"Said this before an' I'll say it again, Drake. What the Gene Genie says goes. You ain't leavin' 'til I say so."

"Why are you so desperate to keep me here, you who despise females in the police force, drink too much and enjoy male bonding?"

"Job needs doin'. S'what you're here for. Ain't goin 'til it's done, case closed. Drink?"

"Don't try and worm your way out of this one, Hunt."

"If you didn't look like you were about to take my bollocks and shove them down my throat—something that I do not advise you doing or I'll scrape your ovaries out with a ruddy spoon an' serve 'em to you like scrambled eggs on toast—I might laugh."

"At me?"

"Yes, at you—who else would I be laughin' at? Luigi?"

"Well—"

"Si, Signore Hunt?"

"Sod off back to your bar and get us another bottle of your house shit."

"Of course, signore."

"I bet you don't even know what ovaries are."

"'Course I do, Bolls. They're tucked away right above yer bucket."

". . . bucket?"

"Bucket. Where men shovel their goods into you like kids at the seaside. You should know, you're the one with a daughter."

"That doesn't mean I let her father shovel—"

"—I should 'ope not, else I'll 'ave to start changin' my mind 'bout you an' yer posh bird ways."

"Right."

"Drink?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Don't need me to do that, Bolly. You're already 'alfway there."

"You're very good at dodging questions."

"Hm?"

"A bottle of house wine for the signore and his signorina."

"Thank you, Luigi. You dodge questions too much, Gene."

"I do not."

"You're guarded. Caged like a lion. Pacing up and down, watching everyone with wary eyes—"

"—if you're going to try and psychobabble me into answerin' questions, Bolls, I'm warnin' you that you'd best stop right now."

"—wondering if you can let your guard down with any of us—"

"Two seconds b'fore I get this spoon an' inflict extreme pain on you."

"—and I want to let you know that you can let your guard down with me."

"'Scuse me?"

"I went to the zoo once, saw a lion face to face. I wasn't afraid of that lion and I'm not afraid of you."

"You really are off your rocker an' drunk, Bolls. Awful combination. Must put a stop to it."

"Tell me something about yourself."

"I don't like DIs who think they can ponce around an' try to analyse me."

"Gene, I'm being serious. Open up to me."

"The day I open up to you is the day your legs are open fer me."

"In your dreams."

"Every night, Bolls."

"Why can't you be honest with me?"

"I am bein' honest."

"Let me in, Gene."

"You, Bolly, are incredibly drunk."

"I'm not—"

"—therefore, as your DCI, it's in my best interests that you have a nice early night so you don't come in tomorrow with a hangover the size of my Aunty Sheila's arse."

"Did she have a big arse?"

"Unbelievably big. Now, off to bed with you."

"Tell me one thing before I go, Gene."

"Persistent, aren't you? Women."

"What do you think of me?"

"I think you're the biggest pain in the arse with the nicest pair of tits to ever walk into CID."

"Really?"

"I've seen prozzies with better tits than you, Bolls. You're the biggest pain in the arse since Tyler."

"Gene. . ."

"Bed. Now. Mush. Raymondo—escort the fair lady to her flat!"

"But guv—"

"—mush!"

"C'mon, ma'am."

"I am not a child!"

"The sooner you go, the sooner I can nurse this bleedin' headache I've 'ad ever since you started goin' fruitcake on me."

"Gene Hunt, you're the most obnoxious, insufferable individual I've ever had the displeasure—"

"—can soon change that, Bolls. Your bucket, my spade—"

"Oh, piss off."

"Raymondo. Her flat."

"Right away, guv. 'Night."

"G'night."

notes: purely dialogue-driven drabble (excuse the alliteration). . . just a chance for me to explore gene and alex a bit. it's a very, very strange conversation, probably not true to the characters and most definitely doesn't make sense, but it was fun to write. reviews and concrit are veryyy welcome! before i forget, nothing belongs to me and the quote at the top is by elizabeth kenny.