Spare Parts

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is not my property, it is owned by Gainax. I am not making profit off this story. In short, please don't sue.

Author's Note:

Based on an idea by Watashiwa on The Fanfiction Forum. Here's the summary:

This story starts about five minutes before EoE devolves into mindfuckery. Shinji gets Unit 01 off of its ass in time to see the MP series regenerate, and since he's the actual target, they start fighting. Shinji beats them down, then does it again until they stop regenerating.

But that doesn't matter because it's not important. In Terminal Dogma, Rei and Gendo are having their last conversation, except this time, when Gendo tries to stick his hand in her she bitch slaps him so hard he goes flying, then takes off. At this point, Gendo realizes that he is screwed and does the smart thing and gets out of the country.

So the day is saved, thanks to Super Shinji and WHAT THE HELL THAT IS AN ANGEL.

Turns out that there are FAR more than 17 Angels. There are as many Angels as there are ideas for them to personify, and then some repeats. Worst of all, more will be created over time as long as Adam exists. The only way to stop the Angels is to put Adam back to sleep.

So NERV restructures. Their primary goal is to stop the Angels, by fielding Unit 01 in Tokyo 3. Meanwhile, Rei Ayanami (who can track Adam) and Asuka Langley Soryu (language experience, culture expert (yeah right!) and combat expertise) travel from country to country to discover...where in the world is Gendo Ikari?

I see this as a lighhearted story with a darker premise-as time goes on, the Angels are get stronger to the point where they can steamroll Tokyo 3, but Shinji is basically one-shotting Angel after Angel. In the meantime, Rei and Asuka are up to some wacky Carmen Sandiego inspired adventures while chasing Gendo. Gendo for his part is desperate to stay ahead of the girls, losing himself to Adam's influence and thinking up ways to set off another controlled Third Impact. Oh, and he's creating artificial Angels out of landmarks and national treasures. Asuka and Rei vs. the Eiffel Tower, anyone?

"Pilot Soryu, are we not supposed to be investigating right now?" Rei asked. Asuka snorted at her partner across the cafe table, the sounds of French and beeping motorcars filling the air.

"Honestly First, haven't you ever heard of reconaissance?" Asuka asked, sipping her coffee. "We're scoping things out and looking for leads as to that Bastard's whereabouts. Don't you know anything?"

"We have, in order, visited the Louvre, the Château de Versailles, the waxworks, the Arc de Triomphe, the Parc Asterix-"

"All tracking Gendo! Honestly Ayanami, let me handle the thinking will you?" She sipped her coffee. "Mmm, real coffee at last..."

"I believe you are merely vacationing," Rei accused her partner. Asuka huffed.

"I am not! This is important work!"

"We spent five hours shopping," Rei deadpanned.

"Necessary equipment! After all, we need to look our best... Speaking of which," Asuka said with an evil smirk. "Time for your makeover and yourshopping."

Rei's gaze hardened. "I do not see how we will locate the former Commander in several women's boutiques."

"Then you obviously have a very limited imagination," Asuka huffed. "Besides..." She smirked. "You'll get to dress up for Shinji~..."

Rei was silent for a time. "..."

"And the Bastard King never did let you dress up nice or go shopping for yourself, did he?"

"... Perhaps... It would be worthwhile," Rei allowed. Asuka grinned and grabbed her fellow pilot.

"Vunderbar!We'll make a real girl out of you yet, First! Now come on, I think you'll look great in red!"

"I dislike red."

"So? Doesn't mean you can't look good!"

Rei sighed. While she did wish to capture Gendo and bring him back... Perhaps she should accept the fact that she had indeed missed out on a lot of things. And at least the Second Child... Asuka... Was being nice.

Though she did doubt that she'd find the former-Commander around here. What would he be doing in a woman's boutique? The most wanted man alive?

"Ah, your cuticles are simply horrible, Monsieur!" The stylist cried. "Do not worry, this is my specialty-"

"Ah choo."

"Bless you! Are you coming down with a cold, Monsieur?"

"No. It is a superstition back in my homeland that someone is talking about you when you sneeze. Ah choo."

"Oh ho! Many beautiful women no doubt wailing at your loss, oui?"

Gendo Ikari allowed himself a self-indulgent smile. "Something like that..."

Meanwhile, in Tokyo-3...

"BEHOLD YOUR DOOM! THE ANGEL... OF YOUTH! I BURN WITH IT'S POWER!" Bellowed a green and black angel with orange legs.

"... You've gotta be kidding me," Shinji muttered.

"Relax Shinji," Ritsuko purred. After his prevention of Third Impact, Shinji was the most powerful man on Earth-And she likedpower. "Defeat it, and Maya and I will give you a sponge bath to celebrate~..."

"Would you stop that you shameless shotacon!" Misato growled. Ritsuko eyed her.

"'We'll do the rest later'?"

Misato blushed furiously.

"Th-That's DIFFERENT!"

"Surrre it is," Ritsuko drawled.

In Unit 01, Shinji blushed furiously. It seemed he couldn't catch a break-Only in the place of his father manipulating him to destroy the human race and having to fight monsters to save it... He had womenafter him as he fought monsters to save the human race.

"BEHOLD, THE POWER OF YOUTH WILL ENSURE ANGELIC VICTORY OVER YOU, MY WORTHY-!"

KABOOM!

"Whatever," Shinji muttered.