Why (Horatio's P.O.V)

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in,
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind.

I could see you from my office, my eyes watching from above as you chat with Jake about something that I was sure, wasn't case related. I don't think he's good enough for you and with a mind like yours, I wonder why you even socialize with him. I must admit though, looking at Jake and the others you have gone out with, I feel quite old. And I am sure people in the lab know of your many mistakes with boys, maybe it's false hope to think that you'd ever think about me the way I do you.

You never could get it,
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why.

After work a week later, I started home but before I could even get to my Hummer I saw you standing outside. I asked why you weren't on your way home and you gave me a half hearted smile and said, "I'm waiting for someone."

I nodded and shifted, not really sure what to do. I knew you were waiting for that detective Jake Barkley. I tried not to let my weariness show. "See you tomorrow." I find my self just saying, with inner disappointment. I walk to my car, not really daring to look back at you, someone to pretty shouldn't wait for a kid like him.

Does that mean that you shouldn't wait for me? No…I'm better then him.

But under skinned knees and the skid marks,
Past the places where you used to learn.
You howl and listen,
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return.

The whole night I wondered what you were doing with Jake, but I decided worrying and over thinking things was more hazardous then helpful.

As I arrived for the day shift bright and early, I notice that you're not at work and I start assuming the worst. Soon you come in as I'm standing at the reception desk, you look a mess and I can help by inquire. "Calleigh, did something happen?"

"No no, I'm fine I just got caught in traffic." You smile, but I can see through it.

"You know, I do worry about you." I say, not trying to sound like your father.

"I know, and I'm thankful for it, really…" You pause and I hold my breath, "I just had a bad night with Jake is all." You admit and I relax a bit, though it supports my feeling: I do not like Jake Barkley with you.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"No, I should get to work, thanks though." You reply and walk to your office, leaving me alone, once again. Your daily smile is like coffee to me. I need you.

He's everything you want.
He's everything you need.
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why.

About another week later, Miami is covered in a light rain and I am unprepared. I look at my car and then up at the sky. I feel someone tap my shoulder and I turn and it's you and an umbrella. "Need help, handsome?" You offer and I nod.

"Thank you ma'am." I said ever so politely.

"One escort service coming up." You hum as we both get under the umbrella and I slip my hand around the small of your back, though watching for any discomfort. Getting us to my car, I opened the door and looked to you as you still held the blue clad umbrella over my head.

"Would you like to get a drink?" I ask, not even sure why or where that came from.

"….I'm getting a drink with Jake tonight." You said slowly and I get in the seat and close the door but glance to you as you step back. "It's our one month anniversary, not that it means that much to the guy, right?" You laugh.

"Alright, well thank you." I say softly, wondering what you saw in him. Any anniversary I'd share with you, I'd celebrate.

You're waiting for someone,
To put you together.
You're waiting for someone to push you away.
There's always another wound to discover.
There's always something more you wish he'd say.

A day later, I knocked on your door, wanting to know if you had finished the gun on the Walkins Case. "Cali?" I then open the door a bit to see your back to mine, hunched over your work space. "Cali?" I ask once more as I step in and close the door behind me, to give us some sort of privacy. You must have noticed because you sat up and turned, quickly wiping those doe eyes of yours.

"Horatio…is there something you need?" You ask with a watery voice.

"I need to know why you're crying." That was more important then the case, right now all I wanted was for your pain to go away. I can ignore my pain but not yours.

"I just…Jake and I broke up. And…" You wipe the bottom of your eyes carefully and smile a bit. "I guess working with him sort of hurts right now." Before I could speak you add, "I won't let it get in the way of work, don't worry."

"That's not what I'm worried about." I smile and watch you. Somehow when you're upset you still look so amazing to me.

He's everything you want.
He's everything you need.
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why.

Later that day, I saw you and Eric walking out of the building and I felt that pang of envy and jealousy once again. His arm around you and your head resting on his shoulder…it seemed to feel weirder to me then you with Jake.

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind.
It's only what you're asking for.
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time.
It's only what you're waiting for.

Weeks pass and Jake is gone, doing undercover work or something, Eric has been dating Natalia Boa Vista and you seem to be with a few guys outside of the office, and I find you in my office looking for me.

"I'm over here." I smile softly from the doorway, it was awfully cute to see you in my office, and have me just find you. Well that seemed creepy too, so thankfully I think more about you then speak.

"Oh, sorry for just coming in like this…with you not in but I have the files from Nat." You say and hand them to me, I take them in thanks.

"How about we celebrate the end of this case with a drink?" I offer again. I don't like giving up you know?

"Sure, that sounds nice." You reply and I have to tell my self not to say anything weird. You and I should be very lucky I have a mask on all the time.

"Great. We can go now, since this is a closed case now." I say and offer my arm, you take it and I lead you out, very happy to be where I am.

Out of the island,
Into the highway,
Past the places where you might have turned.
You never did notice,
But you still hide away,
The anger of angels who won't return.

As we sat down at the nearest bar, I watched you across from the table, admiring how strong you were. And even when weak, to me you're strong. "It's not weird drinking with your boss is it?" I teased lightly.

"Not at all, we're friends too." You say and it's a double edged sword though my heart. I am glad you're not uncomfortable, but also a bit hurt that we were 'just friends'. A cliché saying, an over used saying…but you were surely 'just friends' with Jake and Eric too, so maybe there's hope.

He's everything you want.
He's everything you need.
He's everything inside of you,
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things.
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why.

As I drop you back at the lab to get your own car, I notice a full moon is out. "Not seeing anyone right now?" I ask slowly as I come to a stop in front of the lab.

"No." You sigh and get out and walk around to my side of the car.

"Well you'll find someone." I smile and tilt my head, sunglass off a lot more tonight then usual.

"Well…I just know that finding love at work is something pointless." You say with a tired look. That hit me hard; it wasn't fair to have Jake and Eric blow any chance I had with you.

"I wouldn't say that…" I find my self whisper, almost wondering if I said it out loud.

"Well you and Yelina had something going on once right?" You ask.

"Not necessarily." I say and shift, I used to have some feeling for her, but over time I realized it wasn't going to work. I could move on. "It late though, I'll see you tomorrow." I say after a moment of silence.

"Night Horatio." You wave and walk to your car and get in, I start mine and head home. The way my name floats off of your lips is magical and one day I hope I can return the feelings you give me.

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why

Some time passes and it's been almost a year since you and Jake broke up, not that I'm counting. I have just exited the interrogation room, not really happy with the lack of progress on our current rape case. I can see you chatting on the phone, seems like it's another guy in your life. I walk by and you smile to me. Maybe this is the way it's meant to be, smiles and the rare chance of being together outside of work. I can handle it.

Why,
I don't know…

A week passes and I am starting to get used to the idea of just being friends, even if somewhere tucked in my head, I feel you could be the one. The wife in my family and the one I can come home to, rather than a dark house. Turning my computer off, getting ready to leave for the day, I look up and see the calendar. The date…it then hits me. That is the date that we started working together, seven years ago. I then stand, ignoring the aches in my body and head to the staff lounge. I grabbed two cups of coffee and a bag of chips from the vending machine and start for your part of the lab. I know it's not fancy of well thought through but I'd rather catch you now then wait. I see your door ajar and I press my back against the door and sneak in.

You're doing some work, and I set a coffee cup by your arm, you turn. "Hey, what's up?" You ask, surprised to see me, I'm sure.

"Happy anniversary Cali." I say and move to sit next to you and set my cup by yours and open the chips for us to share. "I know it's not that great but maybe knowing me for seven years you would know I'm trying." I manage to say.

"It's so sweet Horatio." You say and look a bit at a loss for words.

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask slowly, not sure how to read your expression. "You did say that the guys you're with don't really care about this thing…"

"No…I..." I then notice you put your hand to your mouth, thinking. "I just think this is the sweetest anniversary I've spent with anyone, really." You say and I could detect some emotion of awe in your voice. "Thank you." You said and took the coffee cup, sipping the warm liquid. Smiling I sip my own coffee and sit back, watching you.

"To us." I say lightly.

"To us." You agree and we soon finish our coffee and I escort you to the door of the lab. "So…" You slow down as we are nearly outside. "Why did you remember why today was so special?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. Come on." You urge, rather stubborn.

"I…I guess it's because it's important to me…because it's when you came into my life." I replied, unable to stop the words. "I love you." Now that, I should have stopped.

"You….love me." You say slowly and stare on ahead, then look to me. "How long have you?"

"Since…I don't know, it just evolved." I say clumsily, afraid I overstepped a line. I remove my arm from yours, intending on leaving as soon as I could.

"Wait, Horatio…" You say and grab my back. I look to you and see your eyes set on mine. "I…I don't want to let this go…to let you go. You're amazing. You're this amazing, strong, caring person. You do all that you can for someone—"

"Except save you from getting hurt from all those guys." I interrupt, not really forgiving my self for that.

"I don't need to be saved from a broken heart, it happens." You say and glance off; I could tell that my comment came across the wrong way.

"I know." I say in a softer tone, trying to clam you down.

"…Horatio…you've been in front of me for so long, I guess I wrote you off. And it's only fair that I give you a chance like the others." You start to say.

"No." I say back, rather firmly. I can feel my love for you starting to become bitter. You only want to give me a chance to be fair, as if its some charity drive. I didn't expect you to fall head over heels for me tonight. That was never my plan but I'm getting the feeling that you don't even see us having a chance.

"What?" You ask, now puzzled.

"Goodnight Cali." I smile and move past you and out the door. It seems time ran out and you were starting to fade from my view as I was in yours.

I didn't look back, as usual. The pain is enough to keep me grounded, the way you came off wasn't you and I don't know what happened to the old you. I could have done so much more for you, but now that you're change, I can't find a way to help you. Or my self.

I'm not sure why I declined, maybe when my dream became reality, it wasn't what I thought it would be.

( I don't like the ending. I think it should have been cut off when Horatio said, "I don't know." But here's another sad fic for all of you, more to come depending. R and R please. And check out my other DuCaine works. )