CHAPTER 10

Shodaku no Kawari ni

I shift a little in bed, lazily opening an eye to look at the bedside clock and see that it is still five o'clock in the morning – a very ungodly hour to be up. I surprisingly note that Hikaru is wide awake. From the dim light of the lampshade, I can see Hikaru gazing at me intently, lovingly. I snuggle into his warmth as I try to recapture the sweet slumber I was in just a few moments ago. I was having a good dream…

I try to get closer to him, unmindful of the slight stickiness on my body – remnants of last night's sensualities. Afterwards, I was too tired to do anything but sleep immediately and Hikaru was the same as well. I do not mind at all. I find a secret delight in knowing that we can be comfortable in our own skin while in each other's presence. There really is nothing much to hide. Hikaru knows every inch of my body now more than I know myself. Of course, I also have a personal knowledge of Hikaru's body better than I do mine. Never mind how identical we are; it is a completely different thing to be familiar with Hikaru's body.

I feel him turn to his side to look at me. I twist my neck towards him, so he is able to see my face. I somehow feel it is what he wants me to do. His arms appreciatively twine around me and I can feel his soft breathing against my cheek. I breath in his scent deeply and I am lulled more to sleep.

I am barely conscious when he moves to take my hand in his. He brings it to my chest and he begins to play with my hand, turning it this way and that, studying it meticulously as if it is of utmost importance to memorize every ridge and every line. The pads of his fingers skim over and about my palm, the back of my hand, and in between my fingers, even tracing the edges of my fingernails. This goes on for a long while and I find myself curiously wondering what this is all about. I allow myself to be immersed in a half-dream half-awake state to enjoy both the feeling of floating while being anchored safely to Hikaru.

I hear him murmur words unintelligibly which I strain to hear, unsuccessfully. I decide it doesn't matter much to me. Hikaru has now grown tired of playing with my hand. His fingers skim up my chest, grazing against my nipples, and I draw my breath in sharply. He seems to be looking for a new body part to play with.

I feel his finger trace the lines of my face and go down the bridge of my nose. Then his palm splays against my cheek while his thumb made languid circular motions. I hum in approval. He does this for quite a while and I am almost asleep. I am fighting unconsciousness actually when he finally moves on to my ear, deciding the sensitive cartilage to be his next target.

"Hikaruu, that tickles." I complained, good-naturedly, breathlessly as his caressing fingers gave way to his warm mouth and wet tongue.

"You don't want me to?" he teased me as his tongue continued its maddening inward outward strokes to my ear, mimicking a very decadent act.

"Mmhgh.." I mumble, my spine arching in response, unsure what I wanted exactly: boneless sleep or spine tingling pleasure.

But his mouth's gentle descent on mine made me decide rather quickly, it is not a competition at all, in fact. This never grows tired at all, does it? As the last remnants of sleep completely leave my mind and the heaviness leaves my lids, I find myself once again drowning in sensations all caused by Hikaru. I would have it no other way.

I dimly remember beginning to hate how he could take command of my body like this, able to demand on the spot that I yield to the mind-blowing feelings only he can create. I remember how this makes me feel slightly disgusted at myself – how I greedily treasure times like this with him. Because I know that in reality, there is no question of what lies in store for this relationship with its veneer of sweetness that leaves me feeling cold when I am all alone.

But right now, when I am assuaged by sensations such as these, how can I bring myself to complain let alone to think of insignificant matters such as my pride and our future? I throw my cares to the wind, promising myself to think about them later. Because what matters most now is this. I am desperately gathering memories. Maybe one day, memories are all that will remain.

"Kaoru…" Hikaru's velvet voice summons my consciousness back into his deep kiss - no longer inexperienced and only clumsy when overcome by frantic arousal. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but as long as it is I on the receiving end, I will not protest at this.

I moan into his open mouth. My mind is in turmoil, already at the point of incoherence. But I feel something was off with this kiss. I pull away slightly but his head followed mine, trapping me against the pillows. I try to concentrate on the movement of his tongue. Something was just slightly different…

His tongue rubs against mine insistently but gently, and then it leaves mine for short moments only to rub again, coaxing me to… to… to follow! If it is possible, my heart pounds louder in my chest. I try to do as he wants, moving my tongue into his mouth, exploring tentatively at first but growing in confidence as I feel Hikaru's low moans in his throat on my tongue.

I allow my tongue to rub over his hard palate, familiarizing myself with the ridges and creases. I am shocked when Hikaru rolled onto his back, taking me with him. I lose my balance and fall on top of him, panting slightly.

I peer into his eyes curiously but before I could form a question, he pulls me down to him, his mouth already open. I repeat my earlier intrusion into his mouth boldly now, our tongues entwining deliciously, wetly.

I curl my tongue around his, loving the taste and the feel of the firm softness of the muscle. I feel like every time we kiss, there is a constant newness to the flavor, especially now that I am manipulating the way our mouths fuse together and controlling the deepness of the kiss.

He begins to grind his hips against mine, making me all the more aware of our naked forms. Since that first night, we started doing without clothes to bed -- they are more of a bother really, and we can keep each other warm under the covers just fine. Not to mention that it is also very convenient considering the sensuality we usually find ourselves in most of the time in bed.

His persistent rubbing against me makes me separate from him as we both gasp painfully, our lungs heaving from the lack of air. I want him so badly inside me now and I move to lie on the bed, pulling him to me.

I am totally shocked when he refuses to budge and instead, tries to pull me back on top of him.

"Hikaruu.." I whine slightly. We are now having a slight tug-of-war that just frustrates me more. In my opinion, this is completely pointless.

I succeed in pulling him over and I mumble, a bit desperately. "I don't want to hurt you, Hikaru."

"It's only for a little while. It doesn't have to be you on the bottom all the time", he bit out. I am strangely touched by this and I whisper against his lips.

"Next time, okay? When I'm more… in control of myself."

He accepts this, for now. And I know without a doubt he will pursue the idea later on. But I am unable to think further because he is finally sliding into me, a little hurriedly. I close my lips against the slight whimper of pain because I know exactly what is in store. I tremble part in pain but more in anticipation.

Hikaru's lovemaking, and his tender proposal to reverse our roles is really touching. These thoughts nag at the back of my mind. I am dimly aware of them because all I cared about right now is how Hikaru is filling me with his deep thrusts and his moans against my neck.

But the thoughts won't disappear and I acknowledge them half-heartedly. And they only leave my mind alone when I finally acknowledge what they are trying to tell me.

I am not able to let Hikaru go. I will never be able to let Hikaru go. I am fooling myself in thinking that I can accept being in the background. But, no. I will fight for him, if it ever comes to that. If he can find happiness in me, then I will not push us apart any further.

Right now, being in his arms and holding him in mine is all where I want to be. And that would never change, even if I willed it, even if I wanted it.

This is irrevocably final.

Only Hikaru can stop me now.

A/N:

Shodaku no Kawari ni ~ In Place of Acceptance

Ahhh lemony… Allow me to quote my dear "J-kun" (SemeLoverGC)
"When life gives you lemons, thank the YAOI gods."

I've been thinking how many chapters I can stretch Kagami out… It's like I don't want it to end yet… I feel like I'll miss writing it.. (T,T) But it might get dragging soon if I don't…. Please give me your honest opinions about this… Kaoru can only angst for so long… and he's finally overcoming the main struggle here, really… =,=

If I end this soon.. I'll be left with an angsty Hikaru (in Darkness before Dawn)…
* blatant plug* =D

[Shout-out to Choco-chan: CHICKEN. X3]

Thank you all who are supporting Kagami. (favorites, alerts, reviews)
You all make me writing this feel worthwhile.

PS. hikaru... as uke??? what do you think??