Alone and Unloved

The humiliation of everyone knowing that Michael had never cared for her at all! Ziva cringed as she thought about how she had let down her guard and let Michael in just to prove to DiNozzo that she was lovable.

Everyone around her had that quality which she seemed to be lacking. It is what makes you human, that emotional connection you are able to make with others. Most of her life she has seen it as a weakness and avoided it at all cost. How else was she able to become a warrior to defend and protect her country from all the evil in the world.

But it had felt nice to have someone care about her above anyone else! Her soul was starving for affection ever since her mother and sister were killed.

The way Abby was kind and generous with others and how they all seemed to love her back. A bit overwhelming at first but soon enough it had affected her and the way she saw her life. Alone. Always. Even with a group of friends she was the one on the outside.

An hour or two occasionally spent with a lover even a stranger was enough human contact to keep her going. To relieve the stress and allow her to focus on the mission. But seeing how McGee and Abby related to each other, with Gibbs even as wounded as his heart was, still able to connect with Ducky, Tony, McGee and Abby made her feel dead inside.

She thought she could trust Michael to love her more than just physically after all he knew her better than anyone. That just proved that even to him she was expendable. And Tony who doesn't really know her at all was willing to kill or die to protect her was humiliating! She could never trust her heart, it seemed to have very poor instincts. What she could depend on was her skills as a Mossad operative. It was all that was left to her in this world!

Ziva thought deep down that Gibbs would fight for her but even that proved to be wrong. He gave up on her the instant she asked for special consideration. Tony was Gibb's priority and always would be.

She would do what her father asked of her out of duty not love for there was nothing and know one left for her.

The memory of DiNozzo killing Michael would never allow her to forgive him. She could admit to herself that Tony was right about the reason. If Michael was playing her and had planned on killing her in the end then it was just her pride that kept her from going back to NCIS and back to her partner. But at this point her pride was all that kept her going it was all she had left to protect her from total annihilation.

If she survived this mission she couldn't see clearly into her future. It was all blurry when she tried to imagine her life now that she had lost faith in those she had trusted. Maybe when there is no future and the past is gone the present is all that's left and Ziva is very good at the here and now. She is strong and intelligent and that is all she needs to defeat the enemy! Her inner demons will be left alone as there is no way to fight them!