F*ggot

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. ^_^

A/N: I have nothing against gay people and I don't use the word faggot, I wanted to use it to express the emotions that Jacob goes through such as his self hatred and the turmoil he's going through... I hope everyone can understand this and won't pelt me. Besides this piece is kind of a stepping stone for me, off I go into unknown territory...

Warnings: Cutting, underage sex with minors, drug abuse, etc.

There are some naughty bits in this chapter.

Summary: AU He was disgusting, he was the only one who knew it, know one could ever know. EdxJacob some PaulxJacob JamesxJacob

Part One: FALL

0. "Are there any queers in the audience tonight?"

He was disgusting. Every time he looked at himself he felt the deep rooted hatred for people like himself. He'd stare for hours just wondering why he was so cursed. Why was he such a freak. His arms showed it, it was the only way he could ever express himself. He'd take the razor he hid in a crack in his bed frame and slice. He'd slice away the pain, the hatred, the self-abuse, and most of all himself. He was a monster, he was different!

Jacob pulled at his long dark hair. His wrist arched at the sudden movement, but the bandages caught the weeping scabs leaks underneath. Billy would hate him, his own father would make him leave if he knew. Know could know how filthy he was, how awful his secret was. He was one of those people, one of those kind.

He was…a faggot.

XX

XX

Three Years Later

XX

The lights flared in the darkness of the gymnasium. The loud music was enough to make anyone's ears bleed but all the teens danced to it. They romped, grinded, shuffled, and moved in the center of the gym.

However, while most were having the time of their life at the homecoming dance some weren't having it out on the dance floor. Huddled in the bathroom was an overly eager Paul pressing against Jacob in the cramped stall.

"Un.."

Jacob winced, it always hurt whenever Paul stretched him. Paul pushes into too roughly and Jacob is always left with a somewhat sore feeling on the outside. However he always manages to hit Jacob's prostate after he shoves in a second finger.

"Ah!"

I pleasurable pressure caused Jacob to clench and arch a little.

"A-are you sure no…….one's gonna come in." Jacob

Paul grunted a little, and pushed Jacob's legs farther apart and pressed the other boy a bit harder against the wall. He let his left hand drift over to Jacob's front and grasp his cock tightly. Jacob let out a breathy moan as more pleasure assaulted his senses.

"The door's locked and I didn't bring a date anyway." Paul

Jacob rocked his hips back onto Paul's fingers.

This wasn't abnormal, this was something he did to feel good. Having sex with Paul made him feel real good. It was really nothing with Paul anyways. They weren't in any relationships with other people so jealousy was practically impossible. They were intimate due to the fact that this secret was shared and an equal burden on both parties. Paul's fingers withdrew and Jacob felt pressure on his entrance.

Paul pressed hard and fast into him. One hand laced with Jacobs as he began to moan and rock against the other. His head leaned over Jacob's shoulder as he continued their usual routine.

Jacob felt love as Paul laced their fingers.

Yes. He felt loved.

Homecoming was fun enough.

Two days later Paul and him were now laying in his room. Billy was out again, and Paul had stayed over for the weekend. Tomorrow was school again since Homecoming official marked the beginning of their junior year.

Paul stroke Jacobs long dark hair, something that he'd been doing more of as of late. While Jacob appreciated the attentiveness Paul showed sometimes, occasionally it unnerved him. The quiet intensity of Paul's gazes left Jacob filled with want for…something he couldn't describe.

"Are you thirsty?" Paul asked quietly breaking the intense silence of the muted TV.

"A bit." Paul pushed Jacobs head out of his lap and hulked over to the kitchen.

Despite the gesture Jacob knew Paul was not a nice or generous boy, by any means. Paul, while good natured towards him was a bit of a trouble maker who was well known for his mischief in La Push and Forks. Paul's practical jokes included leaving a dead swan in front of Charlie Swan's home. Setting fire to a few dumpsters, moving a certain baby from a manger around Christmas, and even calling in a bomb threat for the high school a few times.

Paul's only acquaintance to his knowledge was Sam Uley who occasionally came in to bail him out of trouble. The older man looked rancid and Paul looked more than annoyed whenever Sam same for him. I know this because he'd been hanging down at the station shuffling papers for Charlie occasionally. Paul was good to him though.

"Here."

Jacob was startled as Paul handed him the glass making a point to run his fingers along Jacob's as he did so.

Paul's intense gaze never wavered.

Billy Black was good man. He went out his way to help most folk and tried to be a good parent to Jacob. He knew things between him and his son as of late had been … tense, to say in the least. He just worried about what his son was up to though. While most Quileute boys had gone through their little growth spurts Jacob remained around 5'8 because of his lack of eating. He spent more nights out late, and he'd even found a few packs of condoms on the floor a few times.

He was up to no good, Bill was sure of this.

He knew his boy was growing up, but the numerous amount of condoms had him a little concerned. Finding pills under Jacob's mattress didn't help his suspicions in the very least. The glassy tone to his eyes made him frustrated. His son was an a drug addict. He wasn't ready to deal with this.

His wife was gone and his daughters were off at college. He would have to deal with this alone. He needed to do an intervention of some sort.

It was 10:45 pm on a Thursday, his son was gone again, it was then Billy's resolve strengthened.

He had to get his son back, he needed to save his son from spiraling onto a path he would be able to break away from.

Unfortunately, Billy was merely touching the surface of Jacob's self destructive nature.

"Oh you came over, and so early I'm surprised."

James gestured for him to come into the dim place.

"Make yourself comfortable boy." he said slamming the door and putting on the lock.

Jacob knew James was always the sarcastic type. Nearly every word out the man's mouth was either cruel or a cunning lie. So he knew James had been expecting him for a long time. He made himself comfortable in the cramped apartment that was never neat, and seemed to have knives and books scattered about in every corner of its three small rooms.

The couch was gray in color a far cry from the loud yellow coffee table that sat before it.

"Victoria's out again, probably with Laurent, the bastard." James muttered.

Jacob eyed the older man curiously.

"How long she going to be out this time? I don't want to have sneak out the window again." he said with a laugh.

James smirked. He walked over to the couch and leaned over it arm.

"Long enough."

With that James leaned over the gold wedding band was pulled off his finger by Jacob's hasty movements.

James was smoking as Jacob drew circular patterns on his chest. It was flittered with a tuff of hair that ran low to his navel. There was scar on his hip that Jacob often found his eyes drifting to when they weren't having sex.

"You should stop hurting yourself for a while, or at least put it in a less obvious place."

James looked away.

"It's annoyed for you to wince every time I grab them."

Jacob nodded, he leaned over the paler man to glance at the clock.

11:09

Billy probably stayed up waiting for him again. Billy as of late had been doing a bit more hovering than usual. He'd have to be more careful. He rolled off the couch and went to look for his boxers on the floor somewhere.

James watched the boy wince a little when he bent over and laughed a little to himself. Jacob glared over his shoulder, this only served to amuse the man even more and he inhaled another breath of smoke. He shook is head. James was tuning twenty-eight pretty soon. He'd long since finished his college days and preformed embalming down at the morgue to scrounge up some cash. He'd met the man around four years ago when he realized he was attracted to men. James had showed up at he right time he supposed.

Quil and Embry had left him in favor of discovering their growing attraction for the fairer sex, while Jacob was left to discover his preferences alone and scared at twelve. It hurt him to realize that his friends were no longer his friends. It hurt even more to discover that his kind were not widely excepted here in Forks and La Push as well.

He was far too afraid of how many more people would shun him after he came out, so he decided not to, never to. He'd keep this shame secret from the town, family, strangers, everyone.

He discovered the secrets the skin held for him. The intense pain and satisfaction he felt from cut or even hurting himself eased his anxiety a bit. And that was it, that was when he discovered the key to happiness was sitting eagerly in the kitchen drawers, in broken mirrors, and even Billy's razor blades. Sometimes he'd cry after doing it or other times he'd laugh.

No one noticed the changes in him as the child became a tortured boy.

Then came along James, the tall mysterious man who occasional show up at his bus stop into Forks. He was handsome and probably one of the better looking guys he'd ever seen around the neighborhood. Everyday that James was there waiting for the bus, he'd glance upwards, often from under a dark umbrella that his sisters forced him to take. James never carried one and favored for a black hoodie instead, he still got soaked. Eventually he worked up enough nerve to offer sharing his umbrella with the man, and eventually there were conversations.

"People re cruel, you learn to accept it and move on."

"I don't want to believe everyone is bad."

"People aren't bad but, everyone has intentions."

To this day Jacob still denies that James was right. He had intentions, James , Paul , even Billy has intentions for him. He was frightened again and James soon quelled his fears and showed him a world secret pleasures where it be a smoke, a pill, a hit, or sex, it was an escape. He felt ten feet tall, he felt like a kite on summer day. Every singled colored candy took him to another world, crushed, smoked, sniffed, swallowed, injected…he was far beyond heaven.

He found his shirt and put on the last of his clothing.

"I'm going now."

Jacob almost made it to the door before James wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed him to his nude form.

James leaned close to his ear.

"But what I didn't tell you was that Victoria was gone for the week."

He bit the young boy's ear hoping to entice him to stay.

Jacob laughed and pushed away the taller man's arms. He turned the lock and pulled open the door.

"Maybe next time."

He slammed the door closed.

Jacob stepped away from the cruddy apartment complex and once out alone into the world.

Billy did in fact wait up for him.

"I don't need a fucking doctor!"

"Jacob, you do."

"I don't need any help!"

"You're having sex with someone not only that you're on drugs! DRUGS BOY!"

"Fuck you Billy! What I do is my business…"

"I'm your father and yes it's my business since you can't-"

"I can't what?! Be the son you always wanted!"

"You're getting help!"

Jacob stomped his way to the bathroom and locked himself in.

"JACOB BLACK GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!"

The door knob jiggled and rattled.

"Shut up Billy!"

He dug through the cabinet, he pushed away the medicine scissors and opened the dental floss. Inside was his razor. It smelt like mint to his distastes but it would do. He pulled up his long sleeves and the scabs were revealed in short continuous slashes on his wrist. He would have to be hasty, Billy was getting even more agitated and it wouldn't be long before he found a key to turn the lock with.

He could see it, he raised his arm. A perfect expression of himself lay with these scars and cuts engraved into his skin forever. He took the blade and added upon those layer, calmer with the notion Billy had rolled down the hall to find a key.

He cut his wrist and he opened up like a zipper.

Yes. He was safe once more.

Next Up : A detailed first meeting of Paul, and Edward meets Jacob.

Please tell me if you like it. T_T yeah its slash, i hope this doesn't really deter people. I really was hoping to express well something with this.

Thank you for reading.