E t e r n a l. D a r k

"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all." - William Goldman

Leonardo

Guns.

Dangerous. Accurate. Deadly.

Dishonorable in combat. Devastating in the wrong hands.

When someone pulls a gun on your baby brother… you don't have a choice anymore. There isno choice. If your brother, defenseless and at the mercy of your enemy…. Has a gun pointed at his head. You comply… you have no choice… no matter what the cost…

No matter what.

Darkness. That's all I can see.

It's freezing cold and the floor is hard, rough and damp. Of all the things that have happened to me… every time I could say that I had fought my best, been alert and aware, that Id never given up. Not this time.

I try to move but the chains holding me are tied to tight, biting into my skin. There's no way I can go anywhere. I have nothing to get out with…. They've taken my swords…. My katana that I've had for so long, since I've started as a ninja… they've been through everything…. They broke them… just like that… snapped them…right in front of me and I couldn't do anything about it… I…. I could do… nothing.

I sigh and lean back on the steel bars behind me. They're rusted and rough but still to strong to have any hope of breaking.

Staring into the darkness, my thoughts drift to my brothers…. At least they're safe… they don't have to pay for my mistake… they don't have to be here… in this place… I don't think I could ever forgive myself it that had happened….

I wouldn't wish them here for anything but….. My heart clenches as I think of them….. I wish….

….I wish I wasn't so alone….

*0*

The lair

"It's been 2 months! Two freakin' months!" Raphael paced angrily, balling his hands into fists.

"I know Raph…. We're looking as hard as we can-" Don answered quietly, turning his chair to face his brother.

"Well it aint good enough!" The red clad turtle raged, slamming his fist into the wall. The plaster cracked, bits of dust falling to the ground.

Donatello sighed, "We go on patrol every night, I'm searching reports for anything suspicious and we've got everyone we know helping and on the look out… what more can we do?"

"We can go out and damn-well look harder!" Raphael spun on his heels, heading towards the lift doors.

"Raph! Come back, we can't go out in the middle of the day!" the youngest of the two leaped up from his seat, running after his hot-headed brother.

Don grabbed Raph's shoulder but was shrugged of angrily as Raphael was jerked to a stop.

"Master Splinter said to stay in the lair!" he tied desperately

"Stop Don. Stop tryin' ta take Leo's place." Raphael growled angrily, turning again to face his younger bother, staring him down, his eyes blazing.

Don was momentarily thrown at his brother's statement, "What? I-I don't-"

"Forget it…" Raph muttered, walking away from his brother, this time in the direction of the staircase, heading towards his room.

"Raph…" Don called softly.

His brother didn't turn around.

'I just don't wanna loose another brother." Don whispered at his retreating back as it disappeared from view.

Sighing heavily, the purple clad turtle turned and headed back towards the lab. He paused as he passed the dojo. The open entrance way was dark, lacking the usual light that could be seen drifting from the closed door at any hour of the day. It was deathly quiet.

Whereareyou Leo…?

Shaking his head he closed the door softly.

Mikey sat in the dark room, cross legged on the low bed. Faint voices drifted up from downstairs but he ignored it. It was happening often now… almost as often as it use to with Leo and Raph…

Leo…

Mikey clenched the blanket tightly in his hand, staring down in the darkness. There was a click and light flooded through the crack in the door casting a dim, gloomy light to see by.

The orange clad turtle sighed, his gaze drifting around the room, taking in everything. He stared at the neatly placed books, stacked on the shelf, the half used candles, the kanji pictures that hung on the wall.

He clutched the soft blue sheet beneath his fingers as his eyes fell on the family picture, placed next to the incense. Don was there, leaning casually on his Bo, a soft smile on his face. Mikey was next, Slung in between his two older brothers, arms over both Don and Raph's shoulders, grinning happily. Raph was smiling too, his hand rested on Leonardo's shoulder.

Leo had his usual, soft, half smile on his face and was looking content…. They all looked so happy, so perfect… just like it should be. Like it had been… before.

Mikey shook his head and tore his gaze from the picture, continuing to scan the room. His eyes fall on the swords… Leo's katanas, mounted in their holders. He got up slowly and walked over to the opposite wall. He reached out and softly brushed the hilts with his finger tips.

Slipping his hand down, he touched a piece of soft fabric, worn supple by years of use. Mikey touched it gently letting the bandana tails twine in his fingers.

The light flicked off and he was left in the darkness. Mikey let his head drop forward, hitting the wall gently with a soft thud.

He stayed like that, breathing in the scent of the room, trying to keep the image of his brother in his head, the way he was in the picture… trying to keep his hope alive. Hope in Leonardo, hope in the face that he would see him again. Hope that he wasn't alone.

He barely flinched when the door creaked open. Soft footsteps padded into the room… too heavy to be Don… so Raph came there too.

The door shut again, Mikey made no sound as his older brother entered. The bed creaked with added weight as Raphael sat down. There was a soft sigh and Mikey quietly raised himself from the wall. Slowly, he made his way to the door, slipping out a quickly as he could.

Raph was too deep in thought to hear him leave.

*0*

Leonardo

The blackness was dark… oppressing… all consuming. Leonardo stared dully at the ground. The collar chafed his neck, his hands were tied painfully tight and his body was worn, he was too tired to move. Zit was freezing; his muscles throbbed and ached continuously.

He'd learned to live with it… the constant pain… ever since he'd come to this place. He'd thought he had experienced pain before...but it was nothing, nothing compared to this. This hell.

That day… that mistake. It had been his fault. He hadn't seen the attack coming and… it had almost cost him the thing he held most dear. His brother's life. One of his brothers had almost died that night…. Because of him. They had needed a specimen… just one, unharmed. Any others were … deposable.

Leo shuddered …deposable…

He'd taken the fall for his brother…

…this hell… he didn't have to go through it as well….

It was him or his brother….

No contest…. There was no choice….

*0*

The lair

Raphael stared at the ground in the darkened room as he leaned against the wall. Two months…. Two months since ithappened. Since he'd let his brother down. Since Leonardo had disappeared. It he hadn't left the lair… if he'd listened then Leo wouldn't have had to go after him. He wouldn't have been so distracted. They would have seen the attack coming.

"Raph, what were you thinking? You could have gotten yourself killed!" Leonardo fumed, his voice rising

"What's life without risks? And there's no way those wanna be street punks coulda taken me down!" answered Raph, clenching his fists

"You're too impatient." Leo snarled "If we'd arrived a moment later you wouldn't be here right now! Don't you get that!"

"Do you honestly think I care what you have to say? News flash, Leo! I do what I want, when I want. Deal with it!" Raph's hands gripped his sai hilts a little firmer than necessary, his knuckles turning white.

"Raphael…" Leo's voice was hard, an icy note to it

"Just Shut up Leo!" Raph shouted, "Just leave me the hell alone!"

Leonardo spoke with forced calm "I do what I must to protect this family. I am the leader, do as I say for once."

"And I don't do my best protectin' the family, is that what you're saying Leo?" Raph's voice was dangerously quiet "So far you aint been doing such a great job of it. You might think you're leader, but you aint got what it takes."

"Raphael!"

Raph clenched his teeth. "I'm done taking orders."

Before any of them could stop him Raph turned on his heels and ran out of the lair.

Leo….

Raph's hands balled into fists and he let out a low growl of anger. How could he have said that? He hadn't meant it. Not any of it. He knew how hard Leo tried… how hard he tried to protect his family. How hard he trained for them.

"So far you aint been doing such a great job of it"

How could he have said that when he knew how much that would hurt Leonardo…?

Angrily he drew back his fist and punched the wall. He felt the wall graze his skin, but he was too angry to care.

What kind of brother was he?

"Aaah!"

He hit the wall again, this time with more force, causing a crack to appear. Banging his head on the wall, he slumped forward.

Leo had saved him… given himself up for him… after everything he had said and done… His big brother had taken the fall…

Raphael breathed deeply, trying to gain control over his raging emotions.

Leonardo was gone. Because of him.

He could never forgive himself.

What if that was the last thing that he ever said to him? What if he never got to apologize?

Guilt flared up inside him, his throat ached and his eyes burned.

What if the last thing he told his brother was that he wasn't good enough? He'd quit on Leonardo. Despite everything he had done for him…

Raphael fell to the ground, supporting himself on the wall as tears coursed down his cheeks.

What if he never saw him again?

*0*

Raphael palmed his face, taking in a deep breath. Beyond the door he felt his little brother's presence. He knew his brother could feel his to. None of them moved, just waited for the other to so something, anything to break the tension. Raph knew the task fell to him after a minute more passed in silence.

He knocked.

"Come in." The words were immediate, like the speaker had been waiting to say them. Raph supposed that that was correct.

He pushed the door open.

Donatello sat on his bed, staring blankly into space. He barely moved when his brother entered the room.

Raph found that he didn't know how to approach him, feeling awkward and out of place. He was used to his brother being busy. His eyes always bright with curiosity and intelligence. But never blank. Not like this.

He'd been on his way to ask Don if he'd found out anything else about Leonardo- but the words were stuck in his throat. He took a look at his brother for the first time in weeks, taking in the thin frame and paled skin, and he wondered just when exactly his brother had gotten this way. He didn't look well.

As if on queue, Donatello gave a muffled cough.

Raphael frowned, walking over to the bed, "Don…" He sat down slowly, "Ya feelin' okay, bro?"

Don looked up at him, a sad attempt at a smile on his lips, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine Raph."

Raph…. His own name sounded weird coming from Donatello's mouth. Or at least when it was spoken so softly and without anger. For most part Don just sounded tired and Raph realized the strain this must be putting on him. The strain that Raph himself had put on his brother.

A minute passed in silence.

"I can't find anything."

Don sounded dejected, broken, and so, so very empty that it made Raph start. Donatello should never sound empty.

"You will Don…" He volunteered in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

"No Raph. I Cant."

The words sent a shiver up Raphael's spine. Don truly believed this.

"Donnie…"

"I Can't Raph!" Donatello leaped up from his bed, "Don't you get it? I've tried and tried and I just-"

Donatello balled his hands into fists, his eyes bright with unshed tears.

"You don't…." He grimaced, shoulders shaking with the effort of holding himself together.

Raphael knew he should do something. If he were Mikey he could have just given Don a hug that would have made everything better. If he was Leo, maybe he could have avoided this in the first place, he could have spoken softly to Donatello in the way that he had and calmed him down. Hugged him tightly and given him all the comfort in the world.

If only Leo was there.

Raph watched his brother mutely, as he spun on his heels and practically ran out the room.

He could only watch like the usless excuse for a brother that he was. And wish with all his heart that it was him that was missing and not his older brother.

Because everyone needed Leonardo.

He buried his face in his hands, grimacing.

Everyone needed Leo, and he just wasn't there…

Mikey watched in silence and Donatello hurried past him. He glanced at the glass in his hand. It figured that he'd just go to fetch something to drink and drama would happen.

He sighed, thinking back to just weeks before Leo had gone missing.

So now I'm here. Alone on this roof top. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Leo. How would life be if he wasn't here? How would we cope? How wouldIcope?

This got me thinking. What if that had been him? What if he had gotten seriously hurt again, like when he was ambushed? I don't think I could handle it a second time.

There would be chaos; Raph would be forever running off, he would probably end up dead first. Donnie and I would let our training slip to the extent that we would barely be able to call ourselves ninja. Master Splinter would insist on training, but let's face it, he's getting old and he is resting more and leaving it up to us to train. But besides that-

We would be missing a leader, a protector, a safeguard. But most importantly we would be missing a brother.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice my brother's presence until he spoke.

"What are you doing out here?"

I looked up, startled, but relaxed when I saw that it was Leo.

One problem...unfortunately I can't lie to Leo.

"Um, nothing, just out enjoying the view you know."

He looked at me skeptically. "Yeah…right…Mikey, this is New York. There is no 'view'."

I sighed. "Hey! At least I was a more original excuse this time." I joked lightly.

Leonardo smiled at this, but turned serious almost at once. He sat down and faced me, fixing me with one of those stares that seemed to go right through me… but not really in a bad way if you know what I mean.

"Come on…what's up?"

"I was just thinking…" I answered reluctantly. Knowing that once I said something, he wouldn't let it go.

"About?"Stupid, inquisitive, over protective big brothers.

"About you…what would happen if you left and then what would happen because Don and Raph cant deal on there own and I know I can…." It all came out in a rush, my fears on him leaving… everything.

Leo put up a hand to silence me.

"Wait, wait, wait." Leo shook his head slightly.

His eyes were wide and he looked really shocked and confused.

"Mikey, I would never leave. You know that." He reassured, still looking shocked.

"I know, but what if, what if-" I had this lump in my throat and I suddenly fount that I couldn't continue talking. I wrapped my arms around my older brother and hugged him tightly. He returned the gesture gently.

"Hey," he managed to free his arms, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "It's okay. I'm here Mikey."

I suddenly felt very much like a little kid who had just woken up from a nightmare. I don't know what was causing me to act like this. I just had this feeling that I couldn't let him go. That if I did, it would be the last time. And besides, Leo was really,reallywarm.

I looked up and met Leo's gaze. "We need you Leo. Without you, we would fall apart…we wouldn't be able to cope. You're like, it's, you're my big brother Leo, I, when you saved me today, I-I realized how much you mean to me, and h-how I would have felt if that-that was you…how I felt when the foot ambushed you, I-I thought I was gonna loose you Leo, This fight, it-it brought back memories…" I buried my head in his plastron.

I think that Leo must have understood because he tightened his grip on me. "If you ever left or-or, if you-"

Leonardo understood now. No words were necessary anymore.

He tilted my head to look at him, "its okay, Mikey. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. I never will. "

"Promise Leo?"

"I promise."

"Good." I snuggled closer into my brother

"Bro?"

"Hmm?"

"You sure? Because if you ever did, we wouldn't be able to take it, bro. If it ever happened we'd fall apart. We need you, Leo.Ineed you." The last bit was a quiet, whispered statement.

"It's going to be okay, I promise"

I don't know how long we stayed there on that roof top but it was a shell of a long time. I just lay there in Leo's arms, drawing comfort and strength.

Because everything would always be alright. I'd really believed that.

Mikey grimaced. He knew better now.

Before he had a moment to return to his thoughts, he could hear a phone ringing in the lair.

A few moments later he heard a sniff and Donnie answering the phone, 'Hello?"

He had to hand it to his brother, he could keep his composure. It was obvious he'd been crying only seconds ago, but when he answered the phone it was like nothing had ever happened.

The call lasted only a second and Mikey walked into the room in time to hear Don's shout of, "Wait!"

Donatello was staring at the phone with the oddest expression on his face. But the only thing Mikey could remember clearly was that Don was pale. So very, very pale. And that he never wanted to see his brother like that again

'Donnie, what is it?"

Don shook his head.

Frustrated, Mikey grabbed him by the shoulders, "Don, who was that?"

Don looked up at him, eyes wide and blank and unfocused, "Leo's dead."

*0*

The blackness was dark… oppressing… all consuming. Leonardo stared dully at the ground. The collar chafed his neck, his hands were tied painfully tight and his body was worn, he was too tired to move. It was freezing; his muscles throbbed and ached continuously.

He'd learned to live with it… the constant pain… ever since he'd come to this place. He'd thought he had experienced pain before...but it was nothing, nothing compared to this. This hell.

"Hey Kappa!"

The man was shouting. leo winced. "We're moving. Ya give any trouble…" The man let the threat hang in the air before he turned and left. Leo heard the door slam.

He could take this.

They didn't have his family. So he could take anything- he had to.

He just wished that it didn't have to hurt so much.

*0*

Silence.

That's all that I hear. I'm completely alone. They're all gone. Everyone.

What did I ever do to deserve this? How could they leave me….abandon me…leave me alone in this world…..no one to turn to…

Silence.

I never knew that I would ever find it so disturbing. I used to love it, it was rare…that's what happens when grow up with three brothers but now…

…The silence is all that I hear and I'm ...completely alone.

*0*

Leonardo stared blankly at the ground. His eyes were glassy and unfocused the darkened room. He sniffed, inhaling the rich scent of Cuban cigars. He swallowed thickly, trying to avoid the sudden, violent urge to cough. Or throw up, he thought wryly, that would work too. But it would probably result in him getting a beating. Repressing a shudder, Leonardo leaned back against the wall, his arms tethered tightly above his head. He could feel the nylon ropes biting into his writs and pushing against his aching joints. He groaned softly to himself, sniffing again. This place smelt filthy.

He tilted his head, burring his beak in the crook of his arm. He smelt sweat, dank and stale. But it was better than the smoke.

"Kappa…."

He could hear their rowdy laughter, but he didn't lift his head.

He could almost hear his father's voice, Leonardo lift your head, do not bow to these cowards.

But he could not. His bruises throbbed and he buried his face further into his arm. He wasn't doing anything. He was submitting. He was acting like theanimal he was. Please, just let them leave me alone. He licked his chapped lips, feeling his thick, dry throat dredge up words he hadn't said in a long, long time, "Please…" A whispered, murmured plea, "Please…. Leave me alone."

He could hear the laughter again, it was loud and really beginning to grate on his ears. He bowed lower. Pathetic. Pathetic and scared. He swallowed hard. He couldn't help it. His pride, his dignity… what was left of those once so precious to him? He shuddered.

A hand touched his shoulder, biting into his taunt muscle. Leonardo but his lip, pushing down a noise of protest. The man's hand was rough and callused, feeling sandy from a days work. He leaned closer to Leonardo and whispered in his ear, his breath smelling of foul cigarettes and stale whisky. Leonardo silently retched, trembling in his restraints.

"You ready? Kappa...?"

Leonardo shut his eyes.

None of this was real. Oh Kami, let non of this be real.

*0*

"Donatello, tell me what happened." Raphael was kneeling in front of his brother, hands gripping his shoulders. Donatello was shaking, tears leaking from his eyes. But he was silent. Completely and utterly silent.

"Don… talk to me bro…" Raphael rubbed Don's shoulders, "Come one."

"It was a phone call." Mikey ventured from where he stood leaning against the couch.

At the mention of a phone call, Donatello gave a violent shudder.

"Mikey!"

"What?"

Raphael shook his head, focusing his attention back on his traumatized brother, "What happened?" He spoke clearly and firmly and was rewarded with Donatello's eyes becoming more focused, looking into his.

"They said Leo was dead."

Raphael let out a sort of strangled sound, breaking into a fit of coughing. His hands slipped from Donatello's shoulders, to grasp at his chest. It only lasted a minute and Raphael fit soon subsided. Wiping at his eyes, Raphael turned his bloodshot gaze to Donatello.

"What?"

"The man on the phone." Donatello shook his head, seeming to regain some of his focus, "He said that Leonardo was dead."

"He was lying, obviously." Mikey monotoned.

Raphael focused his gaze back to Donatello, ignoring Mikey's comments. This news, after all Donatello had gone through, must have been the breaking point. It was no wonder he had reacted so badly. He pulled his younger brother closer to him, embracing him in a hug, his own face set in determination. "We'll find him. He's not dead"

Mikey nodded, "Of course not."

Raphael frowned, "And we're gonna trace that phone call, and then we're gonna get him back, ya hear?"

*0*

I wait for the wind to take me away Far from the solid walls and into the land of serenity.

We are invisible. Nobody sees me. I am no one. When we are gone there will be not a trace of us. For we are no one. Simply ignored as if a mere figment of the imagination, to be thrown out into the wind as soon as my usefulness is over. I am no one.

The world would not suffer for any loss of mine, without me, life would move on. Better without the shadows of the past, of present and future, shadows that I am one with. We strike hard and melt into the night. We are ninja.

What did you think?