Hey all - I know it's been forever since I've updated this story. This chapter is pretty long and kinda intense. First time I think I've ever interspersed a song with a story, but the song used here is "Saturate Me" by Many Moore. First time I ever heard it, it WAS Clark at this point in the story and the scene I've tried to paint here between Clark and JorEl came to me.

Also, I do switch back and forth between present day to the future Clark/present Lois. I believe I've noted it, but wanted to prepare you for the shift. Hope it all makes sense and that you enjoy.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Hugs,

M

Chapter 19

(Present)

Covered in shadows, sitting in a lounge chair on the balcony of Lois' abandoned apartment, Chloe was clutching a stuffed tiger to her chest. Knees pulled up as tightly as possible, she gently rocked back and forth. Tears hung like droplets of dew on her lashes.

Oliver Queen cautiously approached, knelt next to her chair and spoke softly. "Chloe? Chloe, are you ok?"

She didn't blink, but the droplets fell without further prompting. Ollie reached out to touch her hand. It was ice cold. Fear slithered down his spine. "Chloe, it's Oliver. Tell me what happened."

"I've lost…everyone." Chloe whispered as her hand caressed the stuffed animal she seemed to be addressing. "Everyone."

"Where's Clark?"

"Clark?" A hitch in her chest made her face crumble. "I've…I've lost him too."

"Chloe, listen to me. I don't know what happened between you, but he doesn't blame you."

"Yes. Yes, he does." Her head nodded vigorously dislodging more errant tears. "For Jimmy, for Lois…he said that I…that I…can't be trusted."

"He's hurting right now, Chloe. Losing Lois…well, it's taken a toll none of us expected. He's not…himself." Oliver explained, not sure he was even convinced by his own words. At least in one aspect, Clark Kent had never been himself more.

"But...he's right." Her gaze shifted to Ollie, beyond him. To someone who was no longer there. "Everything he said. Every accusation…he's right. This whole time I've been telling myself that everything I did was…for him. To save him. But deep down inside, I knew. I knew it was all a lie…"

Something fundamental had changed. Of that, Oliver Queen was sure. Whatever Clark had said or done, had gotten through to her. The Chloe Sullivan sitting so broken in front of him was not the same self-important, puppeteering, sidekick-turned-hero-wannabe that she'd been the past several months.

For this, he was glad. For this, he understood. He'd had his own epiphany not long ago. His own awakening to the motives that drove his actions. And the subsequent regret that colored his every decision now. Not ironically, it also had come at the hands of Clark Kent.

Or rather, Clark Kent's absence.

"Chloe…"

"And now…now when he needs me the most…"

"What…" Even more alarmed than before, Ollie's voice broke in uncertainty. "…what do you mean 'needs you the most'?"

A racking sob shook her shoulders in response. The tears were coming so hard now it was difficult to understand her. What Ollie did understand stopped his heart cold. "Lois. I...I had to…identify her body. At the morgue…earlier…oh, Ollie…she's really…gone."

"What?" Ollie barely breathed. He swallowed hard taking in the new information. It was impossible. Given their earlier discussion, he'd been sure he and Clark were on the right track. But, if Chloe had seen her body…

Dipping his head to get her attention, Ollie's question was edged with concern. "Chloe, does Clark know this?"

Chloe nodded, once again on the verge of breaking.

"He didn't…didn't believe me. He…he went to see…for himself."

"Oliver."

Ollie turned to see Dinah standing just behind him. He rose quickly, exchanged a few short sentences then returned to Chloe, his voice gentle and sincere. "Chloe, listen to me. I want you to stay with Dinah, ok? She'll look after you. I need to…to find Clark. Do you have any idea where he would go?"

She paused a moment, her green eyes filled with grief. It was clear she was struggling. Struggling to think, to keep it together. "His mom's." Chloe sniffled. "Or the Fortress." Her lips twisted with regret and guilt. "With Lois gone…we've really left him no other place to go." Her face crumbled again. "Oh, Ollie, what have I done?"

She was instantly pulled into the circle of his arms. Not unmoved by her tears, or the sentiments prompting them, Ollie voice filled with conviction. "It's not just you, Chloe. We all have a lot to make up for. And we will." He pulled back to look into her eyes. "We're going to fix this. I don't know how, but I promise…we will."

Leaving Chloe in Dinah's capable care, Ollie took Zatanna by the elbow and led her back into the apartment. "I need to get Clark, like…now. You have anything in that book of yours that can zippity boppity boo me to parts unknown in a flash?"

"Well, I don't know about the zippity boppity boo part. But I think I can come up with something for the rest…"

"Great." Commanding hands on hips, Ollie nodded. "Then let's do it."

(Present)

The desert I wander lacks its mirage
There's no mistaking the barrage
Of sand and wind that tears my skin

Leaving what's without, exposing what's within

His aimless wandering had led him to the abyss. His relentless thirst pushed him to the brink. His gnawing hunger turned in on itself, devouring him whole.

Now, he knelt.

Broken. Bleeding. Parched.

At the end of his long, desperate journey, he was barely hanging on.

He knew now what he had to do. What he had to sacrifice. The risks he had to take.

He took them without hesitation.

Because the end result…was life.

He'd never been more sure of anything. Whether in this life or the next, another time, another place, Clark Kent would be with Lois Lane. And with her, he would live again. With her, he would save the world.

He went to the only source powerful enough to make it happen.

His emotions were raw. His logic flawless. His willingness to sacrifice, beyond.

The daring plan had been presented. The case had been made. Passionately. Reasonably. Forcefully. Now he just waited for the judge's pronouncement.

Jor-el's silence reverberated through the Fortress like a death sentence.

Forsaken, left here
In my barren desolate...

In this quest, he was not above begging.

"Please." The whispered plea echoed like a spinning quarter in an empty tomb. "I'll do anything you want. Be who you want me to be. I'll train, I'll learn. I'll…submit to your will. No matter how long it takes. No matter what I have to do…just please…please help me bring her back to my world."

"By destroying yourself." The judge finally spoke.

"If need be."

A pause. A pronouncement.

"No, my son. I cannot."

My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide

To gain, you have to give. To win, you have to lose. To live…you have to die.

He'd expected resistance. The concept was not an easy one to grasp. Especially not for a father that had yet to see his son rise to the level of greatness he knew him capable of. To cut that potential short way before its time...

"You want me to be a hero. To save the world. To show the human race the greatness in their goodness."

"Yes, Kal-el. That is your destiny."

"I can't."

"Kal-el…"

"I can't! Not until I save myself." Regret mingled with conviction. "I know I've come to you too many times. For selfish reasons. For reasons that had nothing to do with my destiny. I would be lying if I said I wasn't being selfish now. I am. But this time, not just for me, but for the world."

"I love this planet. I love its people. I love their laughter and their joy and their belief in each other. I even love their struggles. Because through their pain, I see the power of the human spirit. Their relentless hope. Their goodness. Their unstoppable will. I see what it is I am meant to save. She shows me every day." He blinked back unwanted tears. "Without her here, I'm blind. Please. I can't do this alone."

"She is only one human. She cannot affect so much change."

"She can. She has." Arms opened wide, a strong and unbending voice challenged a father he'd never touched. "Look at me. Look! I'm no longer the boy that has come to you with narrowed vision and irrational dreams. I understand my purpose here. I know my calling. I am willing now to step into the place Destiny has carved out for me, but…" He pulled in a pained breath as his voice broke. "…I am…unable. I'm simply unable to move without her."

"You will have to learn how."

The cold, calloused words cut him like a knife.

"But…"

"I will not help you die."

My days stretch long into the heat

As the sun brightens my defeat
My lips are chapped, they're parched and dry
My thirst it builds, with every day gone by...

He rose to his feet. Rigid. Solid. Undeterred.

He was beyond begging now. Beyond brokenness and humility. Beyond reasoning. He was fighting for his life, for Lois' life. For the future of humanity. That this battle pitted father against son was regrettable, but a collision course had been set.

And Clark Kent refused to waver.

He felt a surge of anger and determination. Of sheer conviction. A strengthening of will.

"Then it is you that has damned the world!"

Spinning on his heels, Clark made it two steps before the booming voice halted him.

"Kal-el! Where are you going?!"

He spun back around. The answer was delivered through clenched teeth. "To find another way."

"There is no other way. You are invulnerable."

A smirk. "With my powers, yes." A revelation. "Except for one thing."

"You wouldn't." Fear and disbelief crept into the ancient voice.

"No?" A challenging eyebrow rose. "Burying myself in a pile of Kryptonite should do the trick." A harsh chuckle escaped him. "On second thought, a fistful to the heart would work just as well."

"Kal-el, don't."

"Why not?"

"Because the world…"

"What?! Needs me?!" He exploded. "Well, I…need…her! And I will do…whatever it takes to be with her."

Forsaken, left here
In my barren desolate...

More questions. More doubts.

"What if you're wrong? What if your hope is blinding you to the truth? You've seen her body…"

"That was not her!"

"What if it was? Are you really willing to sacrifice yourself on a hunch?"

"Yes." No hesitation. No doubts.

"Kal-el, think! Think this through."

"I have." Blowing out a breath of frustration, Clark took the challenge for what it was. A chance to change his mind. An opportunity to sway the unswayable. He chose a different tactic, and went over it one more time.

"The way I see it…if I am as important to this world as everyone says, my only way to reach her is to give up. The only time the Legion has ever come to me from the future, it's been in the event of my untimely demise. By dying here, now, I change their world. They will send her back to save themselves. They will have no choice."

"If she is with them. If she's even still alive." Jor-el's conviction was faltering against the tide of Clark's belief. Faltering, but not gone. "Kal-el, there are too many variables. Too much could go wrong."

"Why do you think I'm here? Asking for your help?"

The silence was deafening. And Clark's heart skipped a beat of hope.

"And if we do this and she does not return…"

"Then I still win." Clark's voice rang through the Fortress like an endless, reverberating echo of truth. "She's part of me now. Even if today I am taken from this world, this life, my soul will not rest. I will still search for her. And I will find her. Wherever she is."

"You cannot love her that much." A declaration of disbelief.

"I can." Clark confirmed with a whisper. "I do."

My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide

"But maybe you don't understand that. Maybe…" Clark dared to push the envelope with the one that held the promise of his future in the palm of his hands. "…you've never really loved."

"I have loved beyond your understanding." Clearly insulted, Jor-el bristled.

"Right. Louise, wasn't it? I saw your memories of her. I felt what you felt."

"That was a drop of water."

"Then who? Someone else? My mother maybe?" He threw a shrug with careless abandon. "Or was she just a duty? A means to an end? An experiment. After all, you had to have an heir, right?"

"Kal-el. Be careful." The warning in his voice was unmistakable.

Clark Kent ignored it. "What? Am I hitting too close to home?" He was toying with him now. Trying to get a rise. Trying to make a point. To break that arrogant all-knowing reserve that allowed for no emotion. Only when a father's heart was inflamed with passion, could he then understand the son.

"You know I met Raya in the Phantom Zone. She seemed very taken with the great Jor-el and all his honor and loyalty. She told me how she wanted to stay with you in the final hours of Krypton, but you wouldn't let her." The accusations were subtle, yet sharp. "So you sent her to the Zone to save her while you let my mother die by your side."

"Kal-el…"

"She said she was your assistant. I wonder now…" The implications in his tone was undeniable. "…was that all she was? Or was this love beyond my understanding at the expense of my mother's heart?"

"KAL-EL! You have gone too far!"

"Until I am with her, I've haven't gone far enough!" Clark shouted back. Turning his back on a father he barely knew, Clark's long, angry strides took him several feet toward the entrance of the Fortress.

"Kal-el! STOP!"

Clark stopped dead in his tracks.

"The House of El does not marry for duty or experimentation! We marry for love, and when we love, it is deep and binding. It is for eternity. Your mother was not saved because two lives had become one. Because in our union there was no separation. No good-byes. She was the center of my universe."

Clark's shoulders hitched in relief. Point made. Walls broken. Heart reached.

"And Lois is the center of mine." Clark slowly turned to face the image of his father. "I guess it's like father, like son after all."

Stone cold silence met his declaration.

A beat. Then two, three…

Then two crystals dropped at his feet. One black. One blue.

"Like father, like son…after all."

(Future Clark/Present Lois)

Clark's gaze met hers as he explained. "With you here, missing for so long, your Clark doesn't have the reprieve that I had, Lois. He's further from his humanity than I ever dreamed of being. He's seeing things - actions, situations - through eyes that aren't clouded with any emotion but the loss of you."

"And because of that, he's challenging Chloe, confronting her with the truth of her actions. He's walking away from her in a way I never did. Because of your absence, Chloe knows how much you mean to him now..."

Realization dawned. "You think she'll try to keep us apart?"

Clark swallowed hard. "I don't know. Maybe. What I do know is that Chloe is at as much of a crossroads as Clark is. And they both need you, Lois. We all do. If we ever hope to have a future, we need you to repair the damage they're doing in the past..."

Never one to shrink from a challenge, Lois took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "Alright, then. Tell me what to do."

With time running short, Clark didn't hesitate. "Go back to your time. Find Clark. Stop him from destroying everything he and Chloe are together. Stop her from heading down a path our world simply can't afford."

"That's a lot to ask of one person, Clark. What if I fail?"

"You won't." His unwavering confidence in her was unnerving.

Her eyes narrowed in doubt. "How can you be sure?"

"Kal-El! Lois!" The urgency in Rokk's voice, and his sudden presence in the Fortress, halted Clark and Lois' conversation.

Dread gripping his heart, Clark was instantly alert. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"It's Kal-El." Rokk paused, his gaze shifting to Lois. "Her Kal-El."

"Yes, and?" Clark prompted impatiently.

"He's back in the Fortress and he's…" Rokk paused, his gaze shifting between the two, the unpredictability of the next few moment filling him with an unsettling courage. "…he's going to sacrifice himself to bring Lois back by bringing the Fortress down. While he's inside."

Rokk's announcement was met with mixed reactions.

"What?" Lois' horrified question echoed in the Fortress. "But…but won't that kill him?"

Gaze on some distant past no one else could see, the Clark Kent of the future began to smile. "Of course. It makes perfect sense."

Panic flashed through Lois' eyes, her voice. "How does Clark being suicidal make sense and why the hell are you smiling like it's a good thing?"

Clark turned to Lois. "Because it is, Lois. He's taking a gamble that you're in the future. And he knows there will be no future if he dies in the present. So he's trusting that the Legion will send you back to him to keep their world from disappearing."

"That is one helluva gamble."

"That is one helluva love." Clark responded, his smile broadening as his blue eyes back to sparkle with hope. "And if anyone should know, it's me. You asked me how I can be sure that you can fix this? This is how, Lois. He needs you so much he's willing to die to bring you back to him. And I understand that because I am him. And you? You're the Lois we both need."

Suddenly overwhelmed by everything being asked of her, of the intensity of emotion in Clark's eyes, the desperation that would drive her Clark to such drastic measures, Lois felt an irrational fear grip her. "But…what if I'm not enough?"

"Not enough?" Clark echoed incredulously. "Oh, Lois." He captured her face in his gently hands, the love that had survived beyond time and space reflected in his eyes. "Lois, you taught a scared, insecure boy how to become a hero the world can look up to. You've held him together – time and time again – when he's been ready to fall apart. You've found him every time he's been lost. Lois. You can do this."

"But how?" Lois whispered.

"Just be you."

(Present Clark)

The dunes that shift, drift and lift in the wind
Cover up my Hope, as I start to give in
To the cracks and creases and the dips in my will
As I am pushed toward the brink,
I drink down and swill

The blue crystal wrapped around his wrist and instantly took affect. He could feel his powers bubbling to the surface, breaking through his skin and slipping away.

Until they were nothing.

Until he was powerless.

He willingly surrendered to the vulnerability.

Clark picked up the second crystal and turned toward the Fortress console. His arm cocked back.

His father's voice stopped him.

"Kal-el. Are you sure?"

A look back. "If I don't make it through this, tell her I'll find my way back to her."

He thrust the crystal into the heart of the console.

The ground beneath him began to shake. The walls, rattled. The wind picked up, whipping grainy pieces of ice into the air. Gripping the crystal, Clark felt the rumbles of destruction reverberate through him. Crystals fell. Shards flew through the air, slicing his face, his hands. Cutting through his jacket, his shirt. He grasped the crystal with both hands and held on tight.

"Clark! Clark, what the hell are you doing!?" Oliver Queen's voice appeared from nowhere. "Clark, stop! You're going to destroy everything!"

Panic flared then vanished. No one…no one was going to stop him. Not when he'd come so far. Not when he was so close.

"That's the point!" Clark shouted back above the increasing noise.

"Clark, don't! Lois wouldn't want this! You can't…" Ollie rushed Clark.

"Father!"

A blinding white light flashed between them and Ollie was hit with a force so powerful it knocked him to the other side of the Fortress. He hit the wall and fell into a crumpled heap on the ground with a groan. Stirring, he blinked at the sight before him.

A boulder fell from the sky landing on Clark's shoulder, nearly dropping him to his knees. Gritting his teeth against the assault his body was under, Clark cried out in pain.

Ollie scrambled to his feet and tried to cover the distance between them. The gale-force winds pushed him back. "CLARK!"

"Leave, Ollie! Now! I mean it! You don't want to be here when this thing comes down!"

A sharp crystal drove itself into the ground a foot from where Ollie was standing. He staggered backward then rushed forward again. "I'm not leaving without you!"

Another boulder fell. It missed Clark by an inch. "Ollie! Trust me! I know what I'm doing! Leave now…or die with me!"

"I think I'll stay."

Clark's head snapped up. His breath caught. Tears filled his eyes. He blinked rapidly, unsure if the image was real. His voice broke her name in two. "Lois?"

From her perch on a slope above him, her calm voice was like gentle rain against the parched and cracked desert of his soul.

A smile began.

And the skies opened up.

"Unless, of course…"

Then her smile widened.

And the storm began.

"…you have any objections…"

My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide

Tbc…

p.s. In case I didn't make it clear, I just want to state that at no time in this chapter is Clark truly suicidal. Given the history (the most recent being the Doomsday situation), the Legion only shows up when their world is about to be whammied because Clark/Superman isn't around to save the day. So, Clark's logic is if there's a threat to his life, the Legion will have to show up and he can get their help finding Lois, or if they have Lois (which he strongly suspects), they'll send her back to him.

Sorry for the reiteration if that was, in fact, clear, but I really didn't want anyone walking away from this chapter thinking Clark had truly gone off the deep end. There actually was a method to his madness this time. :)