Peter: She's losing a lot of blood...Alice! Give me your belt!
Ashley: Fuck off, old pervy doctor guy.
Rob: I need to pee, I need to pee, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MY BLADDER IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE! *strained voice* Carlisle!
Peter: You can let the venom spread?
Rob: Nup. Next.
Peter: *does doctory stuff* Dum de dum...
Rob: CARLISLE! WHATS MY OTHER OPTION? AND WHERE'S A TOILET?
Peter: Hmmm? Oh, right. Well, you could also suck the venom out I suppose.
Rob: You know I won't be able to stop!
Bella: I've always wondered why Carlisle never sucked out the venom. I mean, it wouldn't have been an issue for HIM to stop.
Stephenie Meyer: *pats Bella condescendingly on the head* Silly Bella. If Carlisle had done it, then how would Edward have been able to prove his self-control, love for you. and all round loveliness?
Bella: Ahhhh, sneaky!
Carlisle: Also, I was kind of busy saving your leg.
Rob: Ok...here goes... *pretends to bite into Kristen's neck while really snacks on some chicken*
Kristen: *looks vaguely sexual*
Bella: Ok...pretty sure I looked more attractive than that...
Kristen: *in voiceover* Death is easy. Peaceful. *convulses violently on the floor*
Catherine: And here there will be a flashback...*plays flashback/momtage for all to see*
Bella: CUT!
Catherine: *twitches*
Bella: I don't GET it...
Edward: Yeah, I don't remember it ever SNOWING in the medow scene.
Catherine: *with a new crazed look in her eyes* IT SYMBOLIZES PURITY! PURITY I TELL YOU!
In the hospital
Sarah (Renee): Honey?
Kristen: M-
Catherine: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR MOTHER DAUGHTER BONDING! I WANT TO GO HOME! *throws sarah into a shredder*
Kristen: What happened to James?
Rob: We took care of him.
Kristen: DUDE! HE TRIED TO KILL ME! WHY WOULD YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM?
Rob: *sighs and combs hair* That means we KILLED him.
Kristen: Oh.
Rob: *who has given up on trying to actually act in this movie* I'm gonna leave ya should live with your Mom.
Kristen: *starts to say something profound, but dust gets caught in her throat* But...you can't just...I...I...what are you...
Rob: Shhh...
Kristen: *clears throat* you can't leave me!
Rob: Where else am I gonna go?
Everyone:...huh?
Rob: Not directly answering her request leaves room for the next movie.
Bella: Again, sneaky!
At the prom
Catherine: *drinking heavily* Jussssshht, go.
Kristen: Edward, why didn't you let the venom spread? I could be like you right now.
Rob: Bella, you need to get your facts straight. Vampire venom does NOT make you English, hot or do anything about that ugly crap you call hair.
Kristen: *grits teeth, slaps him and storms off set*
Catherine: AND THATS A WRAP! *falls off chair*
6 months later in a office at Summit Entertainment
CEO Dude: Ok, we're going to start filming New Moon soon, will someone please get a hold of Catherine Hardwicke, the director of the first one?
Secretary: She's actually in a mental hospital at the moment, she had some sort of breakdown after they finished filming Twilight.
Chris Weitz: *pops up* I'LL DO IT!
CEO: *claps* Excellent! And you don't have to worry about auditions either, the original cast are tied to their four movie contracts so they will definitly be participating.
*somewhere in London, Robert Pattinson screams*