A/N: So you thought it couldn't get any worse? You were wrong! Here is another eye bleeding chapter, with a delightful twilight crossover! Please note, if you like twilight, you should probably not read this. You should probably not read it even if you hate twilight.

Also it should be noted that I was forced to watch twilight against my will.

After the abortive wedding attempt and Kathy Stablers incarceration, George Huang has made a point to avoid the Special Victims Unit whenever he could.

But after a few blissfully sane months, a combination of vacations and absences at the Bureau meant that when a case came along, there was no one left for him to foist it off onto.

Reluctantly he made his way there by cab, flipping through a college brochure. Surely it was not too late to make a career change….

When he arrived at the squadroom, he was greeted by Detective Elliot Stabler and his majestic forehead.

"Hey George, I know Olivia called you but I'm afraid I'll have to brief you on the perps,"

George hesitated before asking, "where's Olivia."

"Kidnapped," Captain Cragen chimed in as he walked passed.

"Again?" The rest of the squadroom collectively sighed.

George was puzzled, "shouldn't you be out looking for her?"

Elliot shrugged, "why? She'll only get kidnapped again next week. I'm sure she'll come back in her own time."

"We're going to get her chipped, like a cat," Cragen said.

George decided not to enquire further, "so this perp…"

"Oh, right, of course," Elliot said, "he's in the squadroom. Sick bastard says he has a love connection with a newborn."

Elliot led George into the interview room. The FBI agent immediately noted that the room smelled strongly of wet dog. Sitting behind the scratched up wooden table was a young man, shirtless and barefoot, with unreasonably defined abdominal muscles.

"Oh hi, are you here to let me go?" he asked brightly.

Elliot sighed, "that depends Jacob, are you still in love with a baby?"

Jacob rolled his eyes, "What part of 'life long love bond' sounded temporary? Don't you guys know anything about werewolves?"

George frowned, "you believe you're a werewolf?"

Jacob suddenly became agitated, "what? No? Who told you I was a werewolf? I'm not a werewolf. Goddammit it's hot in here!" He looked down at his already bare chest and cursed, "dammit! I'm already shirtless!"

Suddenly, Olivia Benson entered the room, "hey guys."

"I thought you were kidnapped?" George said.

Olivia shrugged, "nope. Just went to the bathroom."

"Well, I'm really glad that you're…"

George's words trailed off as Olivia began to walk away, "sorry, can't stay, I need to go walk alone through dark abandoned streets whilst there is a perp on the loose who has expressed an obsession with me."

"Hey, it's not me you should be questioning!" Jacob yelled, drawing George's attention back, "it's that Edward guy. He's like a million years old and he's dating a high school student!"

Elliot frowned, "and what does this high school kids father think of it?"

Jacob rolled his eyes, "well duh, he's a cop! He's not suspicious of any guys who hang around with his daughter, especially not creepy ones who have a penchant for breaking, entering and watching you while you sleep! "

George sighed, "right, so this 'Edward', is he a real person who other people can see or…"

"I'm real," an unreasonably pale man with vertical hair whispered. George nearly jumped out of his skin, it was as though the guy had just appeared.

"Who are you?" Elliot asked.

"I'm Edward. I'm the father of the baby that this shirtless man is in love with. I'm here to tell you we're not pressing charges. Shit got weird. The baby betrothal is really the last thing on our minds right now."

From nowhere, Casey Novak appeared, "you don't have to press charges, the state will…."

George looked around, confused.

Casey paused, looking at Elliot and whispering, "I only caught the tail end of that, I just like to make an entrance."

John Munch suddenly arrived in the increasingly cramped interview room, "hey look Novak, this guy is nearly as pale as you!"

"I can't go into the sunlight," Edward muttered, "I light up like a roman candle. I'm a vampire."

Elliot looked confused, "I thought vampires die if they go out in sunlight."

Edward shook his head, "no. We sparkle. The whole exploding into ashes thing just sounds cooler. And frankly would be less embarrassing."

"But you are a creature of the night that feasts on human blood, right?" Elliot asked.

Edward shrugged, "not really. Mostly I just stand around looking intensely moody and being pale. Aside from the occasional games of vampire baseball, that's really all there is to it."

Suddenly, all eyes in the room fell on the resident ADA, who was presently scowling from a corner.

"This all makes sense now," Munch said, "Novak's pale, grumpy and loves baseball, and she's a lawyer which makes her a bloodsucking creature of the night! She's a vampire!"

Casey frowned, "hey, I take exception to that!"

An hour later

A Steakhouse

"Eat the steak!" Elliot demanded.

The fire haired attorney sat at the restaurant table, arms crossed, enjoying the glares of her coworkers who had dragged her to a steakhouse to attempt to cure her of her apparent vampirism.

"I'm not a fucking vampire!" Casey yelled, "and even if I was, wooden stakes kill vampires, not steaks."

Elliot smiled his 'gotcha' smile, "how would you know that if you weren't a vampire?"

"Vampires don't even exist," Casey said, eyes narrowing, looking to George for sanity. He had only come to the steakhouse for lunch.

"How do you explain this then?" Fin asked, turning his phone screen so all of the squad could see a video appearing to show Casey, fangs out, feasting on a human.

"Oh please, that was a film, I needed the money in college...things happened,"

Fin narrowed his eyes, "maybe that's just want you want us to believe…"

"I did a film in college," Munch chimed in, "my stage name was 'the Muncher'..."

"If you continue that story I will be forced to arrest you," Olivia interrupted.

Their argument ceased when a very cranky teenage girl walked up to their table,

"Hey guys," she said in a flat monotone voice, "have any of you seen a really pale guy with vertical hair. I'm like, in love with him and stuff, also he may have had a baby with him. And a shirtless guy. I'm probably in love with him too. Or something. "

"And you are?" Elliot enquired.

"God, life is so fucking difficult, everywhere I go people ask me questions, I have to live in a cutlery themed town. I'm gonna write a poem about this when I get home! Or a Haiku."

Edward sighed, "this is my wife, Bella."

"There you are Edward, our child, like, ate the neighbor's dog. And his wife. He's being a total dick about it. I wrote him an apology Haiku but he still called the cops. I had to kill them. It, like, ruined my afternoon. Especially because one of the cops was my Dad. Now I'm all, like, conflicted and stuff. God."

From nowhere a vertically challenged blonde detective with a southern accent appeared, "hey girl, I totally get that. I'm conflicted too. I have many secrets. Like my drinking. And gambling. and…"

Olivia interrupted, "this is Detective Rollins. She has is totally stealing my thunder with her issues. Does anyone even care that I've been kidnapped a million times, and am the product of my mothers rape?"

"It's times like these that I wish I wasn't immortal," Edward said bitterly, "seriously Dr Huang, are you employed to help these people or 'help' these people?"

George shook his head, "I really don't know any more."

"I'm angry!" Elliot Stabler yelled suddenly, flipping a table.

"Hanging out with you people makes me feel normal," said Edward.