Reflections

yue kato

300598

It was still early, the sun had just begun to raise itself above the horizon, sending forth its rays to seek out all it possibly could. They streamed down, unhindered by the buildings each competing with the other to reach the sky, and touched cars and people flowing past on their way to destinations only they themselves knew. The light rested on the glass windows and metal for an infinitesimal second before skittering off, giving them the ability to radiate brilliance; and it also slipped into forgotten niches, seeking out that which strove to be hidden.

A particular beam managed to squeeze past heavy curtains designed to keep out even the sound, and splashed across bare wood. As it shifted around, it encountered a mirror, and played with it for a while. It continued around the silent room, sweeping over a couch, a sleeping face, lingering on the wooden floorboards, for there was nothing else to touch, and would have left in time. But before it could retreat, as quietly as it came, heavy footsteps interrupted its smooth passage. The footsteps came to rest in front of the mirror, and their owner stared expressionlessly at it.

"Nee-san!" The *crack* that heralded the splintering of the mirror was soon followed by its pieces sprayed over the floor. Some fell in the path of the light, which illuminated them and imbued them with a luminescence they never had. Others remained in the dark where the beam could not reach, silent testimonial to a young man, hunched over a bleeding fist, refusing to cry.

"Nee-san!"

It started with that, and gradually, without much notice, it became Hokuto. And now, it seems, we have come full circle and I have become "Nee-san" again.

The earliest memory I have is of you. We always did everything together. We woke up at the same time, ate the same thing, wore the same clothes.

I don't remember anything about Okaa-san and Otou-san. From the time I could remember things clearly, it was Obaa-san taking care of us, teaching us onmyoujutsu… You did have so much more talent than me in that aspect. Come to think of it, we weren't really that similar. Other than looks and our date of birth, we could have been raised by different people in different worlds. It does seem whatever one lacked, the other one made up for. Yin and yang, I suppose. Maybe that's why you are so out of balance now that I am gone.

I don't know who is the stronger of the two, I guess we just complemented each other...

The two children flew out of the ancient, shadowed building, scampering over the grey stone of the courtyard, down the path worn smooth by countless feet that have trod upon it. The gardens soon came into view, though the plants were devoid of greenery in anticipation of the coming snow. They finally skidded to a halt by a clearing with a large tree overlooking a pond. For a while, none of them said anything, their rapid breaths frosting in the cold air.

One of the children looked up at the steel grey sky, and his expression lit up. "Nee-san! Look, it's snowing!" Reaching out a small hand, he caught one of the snowflakes as it floated down. He turned around quickly, anxious to show his sister before it melted, but the snowflake was forgotten as soon as he saw his sister's expression more closely. "Nee-san? What's wrong?" His voice trembled slightly, worried that he had done something to make his beloved twin angry.

The girl didn't reply, just continued to sit there, staring out silently over the water. Every so often, she would pick a pebble from the bank and throw it into the pond, the ripples disturbing the mirror smooth surface. It was cold, but not freezing enough for the ice to have formed yet.

The boy slowly shuffled over to his sister and knelt down beside her. "I'm sorry." The words were very soft, barely audible, but the girl reacted as if he had just shouted the words in her ear.

Voice laced with frustration and anger, she pounced on him. "And just what are you sorry for, Subaru?! Tell me that! What are you trying to apologise for this time?!" She closed her eyes and turned away from him slightly, drawing deep breaths to calm herself. Steady now, Hokuto. It's not his fault... even though it feels like it is.

Subaru flinched as if each word was a spear lancing through him, and his vision clouded with tears as Hokuto shifted away. He didn't answer, he couldn't. His sister was right -- he didn't know what he had done wrong, just assumed it was his fault, and apologised automatically. Doing something she had told him countless times not to do. I'm sorry, Hokuto-neesan. Please don't turn away...

Through his tears, he thought he saw someone reach towards him, and his guess was confirmed as Hokuto's cool hand brushed away the tears from a face that was a reflection of hers. "Come on, Subaru. Don't cry. I wasn't angry at you. Just... frustrated that I'm not as good as you in onmyoujutsu. And will never ever be." Despite her own efforts to keep calm, her voice still wavered when she admitted it.

Subaru opened his mouth as if to say something, but Hokuto forestalled it with by clapping her hand over his mouth. "And you're not allowed to say sorry for this, or blame yourself with some stupid reason like you stole my abilities from me in the womb. Get that into your thick skull, do you hear me?!" She removed her hand once she was sure that he wouldn't say anything and continued, smiling sadly. "It probably means I have something else to do in life."

Still, I did feel it was unfair for some time. We had always been so similar, but suddenly, you were improving by leaps and bounds over me. Hey, I was young. We're allowed to be petty some time or other in our lives.

The room still felt dark and oppressive despite the high ceiling. The girl fought against her curiosity and kept her eyes fixed on the stately old woman sitting in front of the low table. With her hands folded in front of her, she sank smoothly to the floor, her legs kneeling in the correct position. Neither of them said anything, each waiting for the other to begin.

Strangely, the silence was not humming with tension, as would be expected when two formidable individuals like those two were facing each other. Yet not so surprising, perhaps, when both of them had the same objectives in mind. The fragrance of incense wafted about the room, gently steered by the slight breeze coming in from the open doors. The wind chimes tinkled, adding their silvery tune to the rustle of new-grown leaves outside. All in all, a perfect spring day, and both of them were reluctant to spoil the tranquility of it with the darkness they would have to discuss.

Finally, the old woman gracefully conceded defeat and spoke. "I believe you more or less understand the reason I have asked you to speak with me privately," she said slowly.

The girl nodded. "It has to do with Subaru and Tokyo."

"Yes..." The twelfth head of the Sumeragi clan paused, ensuring she had the full attention of her granddaughter before she continued. "What I am about to reveal to you now not even Subaru knows, but it deeply concerns his safety... It is why not even you are allowed to see his bare hands."

The sudden tension within the slim frame, an almost mirror of the present head of the clan, told her Hokuto was absorbing her every word. "You may have heard of the Sakurazukamori, our opposite in onmyoujutsu, and possibly every other way. Sumeragi and Sakurazukamori have not crossed paths for generations, and a balance has been kept..."

"But?" Hokuto knew this was leading somewhere and was growing impatient with the roundabout explanation.

"But now, this may no longer be true," the Sumeragi concluded, as if Hokuto had not said anything. Then she waited, her granddaughter missed very few things. She would be able to work out the rest.

Hokuto's mind whirled. How was that possible? The only way a balance could be disrupted, from what Obaa-san had said, was for Subaru to have met up with the Sakurazukamori. And he couldn't have done that, he'd rarely been away from Kyoto... Unless... Tokyo! No, it wasn't true.

The old woman nodded gravely when she heard Hokuto gasp. "Yes, it happened when I took him to Tokyo. Subaru was marked as his prey. I have placed my strongest wards and protections upon those markings, but it may not be enough. I should not have been so careless... I thought it was fine to leave him by himself for awhile..." She trailed off, but Hokuto sensed that the last part was said more for Obaa-san's own benefit than hers.

She placed her hands on the table a little more forcefully than needed, grimly satisfied that the display jerked her grandmother's head up from her musings. "Now is not the time for self-recriminations. What is it you want me to do? I have no power, I would be the last person you need to fight Sakurazukamori."

"In that respect, you do not possess the skill," she admitted, "but you are gifted in other ways, and I hope these talents will help Subaru." She drew a slip of paper from her sleeve and placed it on the table. "I asked for a glimpse into future events last week during the 'fire ceremony', and that was the reply I received."

Sakura takes Subaru.

"You must not let that happen, Hokuto," Sumeragi said in earnest. "In Tokyo, I will not be able to protect him as well as I can here. You will have to keep a lookout for suspicious people and traps that may befall him. I had hoped he would have developed some defenses by this age, but he is too pure and soft-hearted, for all his power." She caught and held the girl's stunned gaze. "I rarely miss anything, and I realise that you know your twin better than he does himself. He may have inherited all the power, but you have taken all the abilities to read people." Reaching out, she grasped Hokuto's hand urgently. "Protect him. Do not let him be engulfed by the darkness that an onmyouji will encounter in his work. Make sure he does not break... And don't let Sakurazukamori take him."

I never told you about that meeting I had with Obaa-san before we left for Tokyo. But then, I wasn't supposed to say anything. I was supposed to protect you, and be able to discern the evil from the good. I truly wonder whether I knew subconsiously he was Sakurazukamori. It really doesn't matter now that I'm dead. I did my duty as a sister and as a Sumeragi. Still, maybe I could have done more. Then I would be spending less time torturing myself over things I realise in retrospect. Being a spirit is not as fun as I thought it would be. And I never knew I could be as masochistic as you.

The two spirit beings hovered in the middle of nowhere as a biting gale hurtled through them, making their energy forms waver slightly. They watched, wordlessly, as the slender young man in the trenchcoat strode briskly out of sight.

Then the young girl reached out and tugged at the older one's skirt, distracting her from visions only she herself could see. "Hokuto-neesan, why did you want me to tell him I never saw you before? He's your brother. Don't you want to speak to him?"

A sigh escaped from those ghostly lips, followed by a wistful smile that would have better adorned the face of her twin. "I'm not sure if you'll understand, but I don't want to face him and hear him apologise for my death. It wasn't his fault, rather, it was my mistake that let him start on this path. I had to die if some semblance of balance was to be restored. That's probably the only thing Obaa-san and I really agreed upon in my short life." She shrugged, and grimaced, as if speaking of this reminded her of all the altercations the two of them had had.

"But Nee-san, he's already blaming himself. He has a lot of anger inside him, and... I don't know how to say it..." The girl trailed off, twirling translucent strands of hair around her fingers in an effort to describe what her spirit eyes had seen emanating from Subaru.

Bitterness, resentment, frustration, self-recrimination, self-loathing, hate, love... Hokuto took a deep breath and stretched, as if trying to cleanse herself of all those emotions she knew were a sinister force driving her twin. Ruffling the girl's hair, she gave a reassuring grin and said, "It's better not to know them, dear. Come on, we have to leave now."

Their ethereal forms dissolved as the wind grew even stronger, tossing a few sakura petals into the cold night.

They tell me that I shall soon be reincarnated. Where I will end up and who or what I shall be they don't know, or won't tell me. But that is not important. What truly matters here is that I have to say my farewells to this life -- this short but glorious life of mine -- so that I can go on to my next incarnation with no regrets and longings.

The room was dark and quiet, except for the whimpers and moans coming from the young man thrashing about restlessly on the couch. The moonlight streaming in from the french windows mercilessly illuminated the tortured lines of his face. For a moment longer, he suffered alone in his painful slumber, with the moon as his only witness, until a faintly shining form coelesced and detached itself from the rays.

Hokuto floated towards Subaru and gently brushed the hair from his forehead. Upon her touch, he stilled almost instantly, and the room regained a momentary peace. She fingered the soft silky black strands, albeit a bit regretfully now that it was so short. "This is going to be the last time, Subaru-kun. I have to leave... It wasn't your fault. I have to say this, just like you say it is. Don't blame yourself anymore... but you still will anyway, right?" Sparkling crystal gilded her cheeks as she spoke.

Bending forward, she kissed his forehead one final time in this life.

When you are a spirit, you have different memories. Actually, a whole lot more would be a better word. It is like the subconscious mind of your soul has been fully opened and you see all the different beings you have been. You marvel at how good and kind you are in one life, yet evil or despicable in others. You are -- were -- things that you never thought you could be.

But you also discover one thing : death does not separate people. We might not be together for some time, but sooner or later, the thread that joins us will bring us together again.

Look at the shining thread between you and me, Otouto-chan. It goes back centuries to even the beginning of our clan. You were the first head of the Sumeragi and I was your mother. And there have been other meetings before and after that momentous lifetime, in which we have seen each other as family, lovers, friends, enemies.

I will not tell you to not grieve for my passing. For if you were gone, I would feel the same. Nor will I try to urge you to change your path, for that is your decision to make. It hurts me, being able to see everything, yet not being able to do anything, for you… or Sei-chan.

Don't flinch at his name, Subaru. The three of us go a long way back, believe me. And in that time, we have been almost everything to one another. There's no point in me trying to convince you or him because all both of you can only see is the present life. The two of you left in this beautiful, decadent lifetime will have to live it out, in whatever way you see fit, and when it is over, we three will be together again. Reunited in some future incarnation, different people, different relationships.

There is no sayonara, because we *will* see each other again. Not so soon though, for I will have started my new life by the time you and Sei-chan get here.

There are no forevers in this world. No forever friends. No forever enemies.

end

disclaimers: subaru, hokuto, sakurazukamori and obaa-san all belong to clamp. oh, and the little girl too. parts of this fic have been based on scenes taken from tokyo babylon vol. 7, which also belongs to clamp. all other ramblings belong to me. :p