Restraint

By: pnaixrose

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura or any of its characters. They all belong to CLAMP.

Summary: For eighteen years, Syaoran's family has kept him in the dark about a secret that would tear him away from everything he loved. He would soon learn that loving her would be the one thing he would never be able to do...for her sake. But it's hard when your body, heart, and soul aren't cooperating with reason. It's hard when you want to love someone, when doing so will only hurt her in the end.

Chapter 1: Breaking

A crowd surrounded a petite girl, almost swallowing her into the sea of faceless people. Despite the rough shoves as people passed her, the grin on her lips remained and her footing didn't falter. Her bubbling happiness didn't waver. Nothing could possibly ruin her day today. Not even the sweltering heat that threatened even the calmest of people into agitation seemed to faze her. As happy as she was however, she was even more anxious.

She tucked a piece of her shoulder-lengthed auburn hair behind her ear, looking excitedly and curiously past Gate 31B. Getting more and more anxious by the second, she clutched onto the bouquet of flowers in her hand.

Didn't his plane already touch down?

For the umpteenth time, she looked down at her watch, wondering why it was ticking so slowly. She could've sworn it had been five forty-five at least five minutes ago! Channeling her restlessness into nervous ticks, she sighed as she tapped her foot impatiently. Fanning herself uselessly with her hand, she continued to evenly look ahead, the excitement still rising inside of her.

It's only been a month. A month without his smiles, his laughs, his cute way of blushing when she kissed him softly on the lips, his irritated retorts when he and Eriol begin to banter, and everything else, proved too hard to handle. Every day she couldn't stop thinking about him. Every day she grew to miss him infinitely times more than the day before. She needed him. She was convinced that a single day that goes by without seeing him or even just hearing his voice drives her into insanity.

This is what happens when you and your boyfriend are basically inseparable for five years. Ever since he had come back to Tomoeda for good when they were thirteen years old, she has been the happiest girl in the world. At once they became inseparable and it was clear that they truly did have strong feelings for each other. Despite the expected arguments and petty fights that usually happen between a couple, it seemed as if their feelings for each other had simply grown throughout the years. It was as if their love knew no bounds.

She had no doubt that they truly, deeply, and passionately loved each other. Furthermore, the love between them was one that was pure, without all the tainted ideas of love. As what happens when young girls and boys grow up, there were expectations and curious inquiries from Tomoyo and other friends about not "going all the way," despite how much they loved each other. And she knew that Eriol surely busted her boyfriend's chops about why they haven't gone further as well. But that was just their relationship. When the time comes, the time comes. It's not like she hadn't thought about it or wanted to and she was sure that he thought about it too. But the opportune time had never come.

Besides, he was one shy guy when it came to things like that. She smiled at the memory of his hesitance whenever their actions started to get a little too passionate. He would always be the responsible one to stop things, never wanting to force her into a situation that she didn't want. And she was fine with that because she didn't think she was ready yet either. But she knew that when she was finally ready, everything will be perfect.

She sighed again, closing her emerald eyes momentarily wanting his image to show up in her mind. The heat was starting to get to her, threatening to put her good mood over the edge, despite wearing a light sundress. July's have been scorching in Japan for the past few years. She remembered that most of the time, they've had to have pool parties for her boyfriend's birthday, which by the way was coming up next week. She smiled. She had been planning the best surprise party known to mankind with Tomoyo and Eriol and she knew that he would be blown away. He'd never had a surprise party. Being a boy who never needed such over the top attention or gifts, he insisted that he never wanted one. But oh well.

She knew that next week, after a month being away from his friends in Japan, he should want to have a big gathering. He hadn't wanted to go back to Hong Kong anyway. He had grudgingly whined and resisted the whole time. She guessed that one of the reasons he did go back was to see his sisters, mother, and Meiling again.

However, it was odd how they had recalled him back to Hong Kong. With no explanation, his mother had suddenly called while they had been watching a movie with Kero-chan at his house. He had said that after some curt hellos, she had simply said that the she and the Elders demanded that he come back for a month. Deciding that something terrible had happened with the Li Clan, he had reluctantly gone. After all, being the leader, he did have the responsibility to look after the clan. It was hard enough to try to convince them to let him stay in Tomoeda and manage things from afar. He felt that it was unfair and wrong to let the clan go under just because he wasn't there.

He had also left because of another reason.

He had mentioned it quickly (with a cute blush on his face as she recalled) at the airport the last time she had seen him. She would never forget that faint smile and the red tint on his face as they hugged each other tightly, not wanting to part. After she had breathed in his comforting scent one last time, he had pulled away slightly, amber orbs looking deeply into her eyes. He stared into them with all the sincerity in the world.

"I…I'm going to bring up…that I plan to take your hand in marriage soon..."

She had let out a small smile, feeling her heart flutter at the unofficial proposal. Her mind had started whirring rapidly, threatening to push her into unconsciousness. Marriage at eighteen? Okay, so maybe they were a little young. But after all, love has no age. That's why she had ardently kissed him that day, giving him her consent. After all, being his wife would make her even happier than being his girlfriend. Waking up next to him, cooking him dinner, bidding him goodbye when they both left the house...these were all images that caused the butterflies in her stomach to awaken. These were images that she had been waiting to become a reality. She knew, more than anything that she wanted to be with him forever, starting now.

However, since he had left, she hadn't gotten any phone calls, text messages, emails, or letters. No matter how many times she had tried to reach him, or even his cousin Meiling, no one picked up. She really hoped that nothing too serious happened with the clan. After all, as much as she hated how selfish she was being, if things really were going badly at the clan he might have to stay there even longer…and she couldn't even go a month without him! But more importantly, she hoped they hadn't turned down his suggestion…

Suddenly, the buzz from the other waiting relatives and loved ones around her became louder and she quickly opened her eyes. Her heart started pounding again as she saw a stream of people leaving the gate and meeting with their respective families and friends. People around her started hugging and smiling as they met up with each other, a sunny ambiance filling the area of the airport. The crowd around her grew larger as groups met and she had to stand on her tip toes to try to spot his mop of messy brown hair.

It seemed like hours before the stream of people leaving the airport terminal began to lighten. She didn't think she could take it anymore. She began to get disheartened, which quickly turned into worry. Maybe he had missed his flight? Maybe something serious had happened after all? Maybe–

A mop of unruly hair. A pair of amber eyes. A familiar black backpack lazily lying on his shoulder.

"Syaoran-kun…" she whispered, a tone of relief and excitement in her voice.

She began running towards him, her eyes solely on him, not even aware that she was moving. Her breath had stopped as she rushed towards his figure, trying desperately to decrease the space between them. They needed to be together. She needed to be in his arms. It took a while to push through the other people surrounding her, but she finally broke through them. She ran into him, almost tackling him to the ground, and buried her face into his shirt, wanting to take in his scent again.

"Syaoran-kun! I missed you so much!" she cried into his shirt, hugging him tightly and never wanting to let go again. She felt happy tears coming to her eyes as she breathed him in, embracing the familiar, enticing scent. She felt complete once again, as if her other half had been returned. She didn't realize how much it had literally ached to have him so far away from her, to not hear his voice everyday.

However as she was reveling in her happiness, she started realizing that he was silent, a lot more silent than she expected. She had been thinking that he had missed her just as much and would be just as excited as she was now that they were united again. But he didn't say anything. He didn't even hug back.

"Sakura…" he finally whispered quietly, his body still as a brick.

She pulled away slowly and looked up at him in confusion. Oh, how she missed seeing his face. The way his hair draped lazily over his captivating eyes, the somewhat square line of his jaw, the way his lips always looked so kissable. But something was different right now. Something in his expression hid a sense of reluctance and fear. And his tone of voice was so…sad?

Sakura looked into his amber eyes and saw a sadness that was beyond description. It was as if his soul had been sucked out of his body. His whole demeanor hinted at a grief that was too complicated for words. "Syaoran-kun? What's wrong?" she asked in worry. "Is there something wrong back in Hong Kong? Are you and your family okay?" Then her emerald eyes darkened as she feared the worse. "Did they…did they not approve of the wedding?"

Syaoran sighed, his expression falling all the more. "Sakura…"

"Tell them we know that we're young! Tell them we're ready!" she insisted, her eyebrows furrowed in distress. "We know it'll be tough but we'll make it. I know we will." She took his warm hands in her sweaty palms and gave a sincere smile. "We're meant to be, Syaoran-kun. I know it. And if they can't handle–"

Abruptly, he jerked his hands away from her and looked away, running his hand through his hair. Sakura suddenly felt her body go numb in shock. He had never been so cold to her. He had never pulled his body so quickly from her. She stood there as if she had been slapped as her boyfriend heaved a deep sigh once again. It took him awhile to look her in the eyes once more.

"We shouldn't be together anymore."

Her emerald orbs widened at his sudden words. She suddenly felt numb, as if every sensation had just melted off of her and into the ground. Did he just…?

She felt the small hairs behind her neck stand on end. She felt sweat forming on her brow…and it was not because of the heat.

"W-What?" she distantly heard herself ask.

This time, he turned away from her distraught gaze. "We…We shouldn't be together anymore."

Sakura couldn't speak. She could barely think. "I...I don't understand. Why are you saying this? Did something happen in Hong Kong?"

Syaoran's stance was stiff and he avoided her eye as much as possible. "I just realized that my priorities should concern more of my clan and less of wasting my life here. I'm going back to Hong Kong next week…for good."

These were just more words that she didn't understand. Wasting his life? Going back to Hong Kong? She tried to make sense of it all, tried to understand his cutting words. "B-But…I thought you said this was your home? I thought you wanted to start a family in Tomoeda? I thought–"

"Well you thought wrong!" he yelled in annoyance.

She felt as if she had been slapped…again. Why was he saying these things? What had happened to the unbreakable bond that they had? "Syaoran," she begged, emerald orbs pleading, "please help me understand. Did I do something wrong? I-I didn't even know you felt this way. I…I thought our love was just as strong as ever…"

He was silent for awhile, simply looking anywhere but her face. When he spoke again, it was with a deep, ominous voice that she had never heard before. "Maybe that's what's wrong. I…" He took a gulp as his jaw tightened. "…I don't love you anymore."

Sakura could have sworn she felt her heart violently being torn from her chest. An abrupt ache started to fill her as her body shook. Tears started overflowing her eyes, and her vision of him was blurred. She took a step back as if trying to save herself from his words.

But nothing she could do could make everything better.

"Y-You don't mean that, Syaoran-kun!" she tried to choke, disbelief apparent in her voice. "What about all our memories? Our stories? W-What about everything we've been through?"

He swallowed again. "They just don't mean that much to me."

Syaoran felt a harsh sting across his face as she sharply slapped him. He saw her look helplessly up at him, as if her whole world had been torn apart.

Those rivers of tears, the look of disbelief in her eyes, the hurt. He would never forget her expression.

With that one look she turned on her heel and ran, dropping the bouquet of flowers in front of him. She rudely pushed through people, trying to get away from the pain. Her vision was blurred, her mind was whirling, and her heart and soul were broken. Sakura felt like something had just crashed down on only her, wanting to crush every bone in her body. Actually, she wanted to be crushed to death. It would have hurt much less than having her heart crushed to pieces.

However, if she had just looked back...she would've seen a Syaoran, his palms balled into fists, just as heartbroken as she was.

Standing alone, he ignored the stares and hushed comments from the people around him. He just thought about her face…her beautiful face…

God…how it hurt to see her cry, to know that he did this to her…

He had known it wasn't going to be easy. And he had almost lost his will when she had hugged him so tight that he almost couldn't breathe. It had felt so good to be near her again, to feel her hair tickling his neck, to hear her joyful voice that he always felt weak against. Feeling the obvious love she had for him was undeniably the best feeling he had ever felt. It was second only to feeling the same amount of love he had reserved only for her.

He felt his chest tighten, as he looked down at the forgotten flowers in shame.

Hurting her…literally hurt him as well. Never before had he experienced such an agonizing, slow pain. Never before had he felt so broken.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered.

It had to be done. God knows that he didn't want to cause her or himself so much hurt. However, if he had even dared to try to be happy with the only love in his life, a pain much greater than this would erupt. A pain that could really kill.

Oh how he wished he could just…love her. Freely. Deeply. Unconditionally. How he ached to be able to touch her, hug her, kiss her like they were the only two people that mattered. How he wanted to never ever cause her so much grief again and protect her from anything else that would upset her.

How he wished he could be with her and make things better…just how things were before.

He slowly picked up the flowers and walked away, throwing them into a nearby trash bin.

"This was for the best," he repeated aloud, trying to console himself. A batch of tears threatened to spill from his eyes. "This was for the best…"

Booya! I'm back in the CCS fanfiction world! I tried to promise myself not to write this until I was done with my DNAngel one, but I just couldn't help it. I miss CCS so much, haha.

Well I hope you guys liked this one! Don't worry, the chapters get longer later. Please review and leave comments! I miss reading your comments so much, haha!