DISCLAIMER: See profile.
WORDCOUNT: 1267
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Saya has no concept of the word 'please', yet she somehow works it into her eyes.

Written for lullabyes22 at Hagi/Saya requests.

EXHAUSTING
by Leni

"Tell me another story, Hagi."

Saya has no concept of the word 'please', yet she somehow works it into her eyes.

"I'm not your story teller, Saya," he says over the brim of his book. "That is, after all, why Joel keeps a whole library at your disposition." He doesn't think she knows how lucky she is, when women up and down the country would kill for such a freedom.

She pouts. She always pouts. "But I want you to read them to me, and you won't do that either."

He is tempted to draw a long sigh, but that would end in Saya tearing out of the gardens and closeting herself in her rooms. He doesn't feel up to the challenge of tempting her back from a sulk, not even if he must rein in his own annoyance. "Didn't we talk about this last week?"

The edge of her lace bodice is the sudden receptacle of her attention.

At least she is bashful about her behaviour….

…No, wait. Saya is anything but.

Hagi peers at her. "Are you feeling well?"

"I am not sick," she says, prodding a loose thread with her fingernail and refusing to lift her eyes to his.

He almost closes the book, ready to leave it on the grass behind him and go to her. Sudden suspicion makes him wonder if that's been her intent all along. "Saya," he attempts in an imitation of Joel's stern tone. It won't work and he knows it; he's been trying it ever since his voice deepened and Saya's eyes speak of amusement whenever she hears that note.

Indeed, he watches as her expression changes. Her mouth thins and her cheeks pink as she tries to restrain a laugh.

"Out with it," he mutters, trying to glare at her but unable to.

Being in love with Saya can be exhausting.

She breaks out into a series of chuckles, doing nothing to stop her mirth except pretend to drown them behind bitten lips. "I'm sorry, Hagi." Her eyes are dancing, light and brown and a hint of wine, as she places a hand on his wrist. "You just sound so… not yourself." She plays with the ruffled ends of his sleeve, and Hagi forces himself to look at the top of her head instead of following her fingers' movements around the white cloth.

The tip of her fingernail brushes against the back of his hand, and Hagi can't ignore her anymore. "I don't know how else to sound." He doesn't know which role to play in her life, he means. He can't be the companion in her mischievous little schemes anymore; he can't be an authoritative figure in her life. He can't even be her lover, no matter what her surrogate father and Amshel seem to think. 'Who am I in your life?' he longs to ask her some days. But he knows her eyes would darken with perplexity, and she would look at him as if she couldn't believe how little he knew her.

'You are Hagi, of course,' she would say.

She does never fathom how hard – how impossible – it is to piece together this Hagi she seems so fond of in her better moods.

"Yes, you do," she answers now, tugging harder on his sleeve to call his attention back to her. There's that ghost of bright red – a mark of her rare heritage, Joel once confided, even if he's never disclosed what heritage that would be – ringing her pupil, and Hagi tells himself not to stare. "Look at me, Hagi."

He wants to tell her that he'll read to her now. But she'll need to go to the library herself and pick the book. Whichever book. As long as he got some minutes to himself.

Just a little distance, so he can collect his thoughts….

"Hagi." A small hand goes to the back of his head and pulls him down until their eyes are level. It strikes him that it's been years since she was able to do this, ever since that growth spurt that left him towering over everyone else at the Zoo. Time was, she'd pull his chin up, when he'd been the child and she the older one. However, and Hagi knows this just as he knows where to look for the freshest roses, he'll never be able to look at her as the younger one, no matter their appearances. It is in the set of her chin, the look in her eye that says she's known him since he was ten and scared, and she'll know him until his days on this earth are over. "I said," and there's unmistaken command in those words, "Look at me."

With only Joel, Amshel and the servants as company, Hagi often wonders where she got that stubborn streak. He refuses to consider there is any of his own influence in her character, that she'd only have been a pampered little princess if he hadn't come to her. That it was his defiance, the voice of reason that forced her to consider the consequences, which had tempered that old blind obstinacy into something that strengthened her.

He meets her eyes, obedient, pushing all these deep thoughts under his day-to-day preoccupations. What he'll do when Joel tires of his failure in seducing Saya. What she'll do when he's gone. If she'll miss him a little.

"I don't need another father, Hagi. I'm quite content with the one I have."

They are really still talking about his attempt to steal some of Joel's authority? "I understand."

Saya gazes into him for a moment before letting him loose. "I don't think you do." She moves to settle back on the spot she was when this conversation started, and Hagi wishes she'd tug on his sleeve once more, to let him know he's forgiven for whatever trespass he's committed against her.

"I know the world is different beyond the gates," Saya says, and along with her voice, the bright red of her eyes dull into darker shades. "I know of things I hear the maids speak." Her hands come up to cover her arms, rubbed down as if to keep warm, even though Hagi knew she wasn't cold - he'd have talked her into bringing her shawl if he'd thought the weather would turn on them. "I know that Joel doesn't want to let me go, that he doesn't believe that you'd protect me." Her eyes slant toward him, and it's as if a hawk has settled its sight on a mouse. Still, Hagi doesn't even consider running away until after her eyes soften and her arms relax to her sides again. "But you would."

He doesn't need to agree.

Because Saya is the event that has truly shaped his life.

He doesn't need to say that he loves her.

Because Saya has taught him, and she has studied him. She has molded him.

He doesn't need to say that he'll follow her through this world-travelling dream and then bring her safely home – if she wants.

Because whatever piece of him she isn't aware of, Hagi is not sure it'd be a piece worth knowing.

(Only if she wants.)

"If that is your wish," the oath leaves his lips without permission, and even Saya looks stunned at its vehemence.

Dark eyes, only brown now, settle on him. Not judging, not weighing. Just curious. "I wish for you to help me pick a book," she tells him, extending out her hand and waiting for him to stand and help her to her feet.

He does so, a gentleman in her eyes if not in the world's. "Do you still want me to read to you?"

Her smile is grateful, and he is surprised at a light blush on her cheeks. "Please?"

The End
02/05/09

Hope you liked it! As always, reviews are loved. :)