AN: A short story wondering what would have happened if the successors of L were even more obsessed with what they're usually obsessed with.

There are also a bunch of MGS-themed jokes, but that's mostly because I didn't know- or couldn't remember- any other chain smoking main characters for video games.

It then just went on- I don't know how the conclusion ended up, but I suppose I just kept typing. I suppose that's what's called writing from the fingers. Your fingers keep typing when you yell at them to stop.

"Near! The supporters of Kira are breaking in!" said Restor.

"Don't worry," said Near, playing with his Lego. "I have fully prepared for such an event."

"What, are you going to distract them by throwing down loads of money that belonged to L?" asked Gevanni.

"No," said Near, as he finished making a little Lego thermonuclear warhead. He pulled a lever that had appeared out of nowhere, and all of a sudden, the building began shaking.

"Near?! What the hell's happening?"

"The building is transforming into a giant robot," said Near, with his usual emotionless voice. He then spoke again, in a slightly- slightly- more awed voice. "I got the idea when I was playing with my Transformers, and I thought, how could Kira possibly stand against a giant robot?"

"Near-" Restor started.

"I mean, a giant robot. How is he to kill a giant robot with a Death Note? He can't, that's what. This giant robot is completely immune to the effects of a Death Note. So, I spent a good deal of money, out of L's funds, to create this building-transforming giant robot."

"How much did it cost?" Restor asked.

Near began twirling his hair nervously. "Yeah, about that- the bank said they wanted to talk to you-"

Matt was about to step out of the car, ready to make some useless speech about how he was still useful to the- wait. He paid a bit more attention to the cigarette in his mouth, and all of a sudden, he remembered the man who'd inspired him to smoke like that.

Solid Snake. His idol.

Matt's own goggles even had the effects of a Solid Eye, built in scope, infrared and night-vision combined, not to mention the mini radar.

What would Snake do in such a situation?

Matt grinned. And Mello had called him crazy when Matt decided his clothes should be able to change colour and texture like Snake's Octocamo. He pulled the mask that acted as FaceCamo over his head, regretfully removing the cigarette and putting the goggles on over it.

Takada's bodyguards approached, holding their guns.

Matt lay prone on the car seats, and just as they opened the doors, he had disappeared, his clothes having changed colour and texture.

"Where did he go?"

Right, thought Matt. If they come any closer, they'll see that I'm lying here, so-

He equipped his trusty Operator and aimed.

"Ow, my beautiful face!" screamed a bodyguard as he got shot.

"What was that just now?" said another bodyguard, ignoring the man getting shot next to him.

Good thing I bought that silencer, Matt thought. Now, I'm still not in Alert Mode, so-

"Yeouch! I got a bullet in my eye, and that's bad! My doctor said so! Well, at least I have the other eye- aw, come on!" said the bodyguard, as another bullet went into his eye. He fell back, dead.

It wasn't particularly hard for Matt to kill the rest of them after that.

Hm, thought Matt. I actually should've used the tranquilizer to get a better score at the end of this Act- oh, well.

He pulled off the mask, and hopped back into the driver's seat.

Now, time to go save Mello- yeesh, I sure hope they don't send any Gekkos after me. I left my railgun at home today.

Mello told Takada to cover herself with a blanket. He was fully aware this could somehow lead to his death, somehow, apparently, as would be explained by Near in the ending.

All of a sudden, he had a flashback to his and Matt's last appointment with the doctor.

"Well doc, what's the damage?" Matt was there, albeit reluctantly. He hated going outside, something about how cardboard boxes weren't as good hiding spots, and he hated the doctor's, because they always concentrated on his smoking.

Although Matt came anyway because he always liked smoking where there were no-smoking signs.

The doctor showed two X-rays of the chest area. One looked fine, the other was a horrible murky brown- on an X-ray.

Mello laughed at Matt who looked mortified. No one told him cigarettes did that to you, even those warnings between the Act loading screens on MGS4.

"This perfectly healthy one," said the doctor. "Belongs to Matt."

It was Mello's turn to look mortified, and Matt started laughing.

"And this one, oh god, is Mello's. How much chocolate do you eat?"

"What- what's that got to do with everything?!" Mello demanded.

"Everything!" said the doctor. "You've eaten so much chocolate, that not only are your lungs coated in the stuff, your heart is mostly solid chocolate. It pumps warm chocolate around your body, which all of a sudden has haemoglobin in it."

Matt started laughing ridiculously.

"But don't worry, we have a very good cure for such a thing," said the doctor.

"What-what is it?"

The doctor took out a syringe the size of L's appetite for sugar.

Mello lost it the moment the needle was pointed towards him, and ran outside screaming in a strangely high-pitched voice.

"And as for you Matt, we've also discovered a strain of an unusual disease in your body. I believe it is called...FOXDIE?"

The cigarette fell to the floor.

Mello suddenly gasped, and clutched at his heart. Fortunately, his heart having become chocolate had its advantages.

He quickly grabbed his last bar, and scoffed it down, sighing as his heart resumed normal functions. He turned to Takada.

"Ha! Bet you think you got me, you little bit-"

And all of a sudden, Takada tried to commit suicide by setting fire to everything.

"Jesus Christ!" Mello shouted, jumping out, before realising he was jumping out. "Aw, shit-"

He managed to roll as he hit the tarmac, managing to climb to his feet, but it felt like he did his back something awful. And the truck exploded behind him.

Matt's car rolled up to him. "Hey, Raiden, let's go!" Matt shouted.

"Who the hell's Raiden?" Mello asked, hopping into the seat next to the driver.

"Never mind! We have to get back in the plane with Otacon to discuss our next move!"

"What plane?!"

And the grand finale to the story...

"Oh, I think something interesting is happening," said Matt, ignoring the no-smoking sign behind him in the warehouse.

"Blah blah Kira blah," said Near.

"Blah blah blah, Death Note blah," said Light.

"Blah blah blah?"

"Blah."

"Oh, sorry, my bad," said Matt apologetically to Mello.

"It's a trap!" Light shouted. "This whole thing is a set up by Near! Isn't it odd how no one has died! That proves it's a trap!"

"I think Admiral Ackbar is going to sue," Mello commented.

Five minutes later, saw Light screaming at Matsuda, who on top of his failings as a employee, had shot his co-worker.

And suddenly, a door opened.

Light hoped as much as possible it was...wait, Takada was dead, Misa didn't have the Death Note, Mikami was over there...oh boy.

And it was the absolute worst person for Light that could've been there.

"It's L!" said Matt.

"What a completely shocking and unexpected turn of events!" said Mello.

"I'm here to kick ass and eat cake," said L. "And I'm all out of cake."

"This is completely unfair!" said Light.

"What will it matter?" asked L. "You'd have lost anyway. Besides, I'm only here because they didn't want me in the afterlife."

Despite all the good work he'd done, the fact remained that L had stolen a lot of cake when he lived in the orphanage, and threatened a lot of bakers in his time, so-

"So, you like cake, do you?" asked the devil. "Well, here you go- all the cake in the world!"

L was strapped into a chair (still in his usual sitting position), and a conveyer belt was about put a lot of cake in front of him.

An hour later, the vast quantities of cake were finished, L still sitting there without having put on an ounce of weight.

"It's impossible! He's a monster!" screamed the devil. "Get him out of here!"

A glowing angel man appeared. "What?"

"Hell's too nice for him! Get him away!"

"Well, he still isn't coming up here- well, there's only one solution. We'll have to resurrect him till his term in hell ran out, then he come up here and enjoy floating on clouds and playing harps all day long."

L raised his hand. "Can I stay in hell instead? I think eating cake in a warm environment sounds a lot more fun then the whole cloud thing."

"No."

"As if anyone could've bought that shit!" said Light. "Well, I'm going to defy all logic and ask the person who just shot me to shoot all of you! Matsuda, shoot them!"

"I could just as easily shoot you for betraying us and murdering hundreds of people, but I think I'll wait just so I can ask you about your dad. What about your dad?! What the hell did he die for?!"

"I could lie and make up some shit to convince you to shoot the others, but I think I'll be bluntly honest for once and also refer to my dad as a fool, as I've conveniently forgotten he was your mentor and idol. You mean Soichiro Yagami? That's right Matsuda, in this world all those earnest people like him- they always lose! You want a world like that where people like that are made to be fools!? I know you understand, so kill the others- shoot them!"

"I could just as easily shoot you now, but I think I'll keep crying and wait till you start writing on your scrap of paper in your own blood."

Light did so.

"Right."

Matsuda fired nearly every bullet into his gun into Light. Surprisingly, this did not kill Light, although it would've killed many other characters, like Soichiro and Matt.

"Now, although I could just kill you from here, I think I'll walk right up to you before I kill you, because I've gone absolutely crackers," said Matsuda, storming up to Light. "I'll kill him! I'll kill him! He has to die!"

Fortunately, the other guys managed to restrain Matsuda quicker than it took for him to fire a bullet. Yeah, they managed to run halfway across a warehouse quicker than Matsuda could press a trigger. After Matsuda had demonstrated incredible reflexes and aiming abilities when he was shooting Light earlier.

"Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker," said L dryly, continuing his endless obscure references.

"Now, since everyone is distracted, I'll yell across at Mikami to help me!" Light shouted. "Mikami!"

"And I'll commit suicide by ramming a pen into myself," said Mikami, "which apparently causes a geyser of blood. Ouch, that really hurts!"

"Hey, Light's running away," said Matt.

"Actually, he's sort of hobbling and screaming in pain as he does so, and apparently that means he can hide from us very efficiently," said Mello.

"That violates every rule of MGS!" said Matt. "He's not even using Stealth!"

"Don't go after him," said Near.

"Fuck off!" said L, as they all ran after Light, leaving Near alone with his toys.

Near picked up one of his Transformers. "At least you'd never leave me, right Optimus Prime?"

To his dismay, the toy transformed and drove away.

"Ow ow ow ow !" said Light. He was getting delirious, and could see his younger self walking past him. Which was weird, but Light really wished now he'd just burned the stupid thing in the oven all those years ago.

It'd also probably have been tastier than most of what came out of that accursed oven.

"Ah, this warehouse looks like the perfect place to sleep off my bullet wounds," Light said to himself, entering the warehouse and making it half way up the stairs.

All of a sudden, the light started shining on him, and he looked about six years younger and very sad. So sad that even people who hated him couldn't help but feel a teeny tiny bit of pity for him.

Meanwhile, outside.

"We couldn't find him!" said Gevanni.

"Dude, there's a massive trail of blood right here," Matt pointed out.

And above them, Ryuk was busy writing Light's name in his Death Note, under the excuse that it would be boring to see Light in prison, despite that Light would be executed, which would have been interesting to see, or he would've gone into prison yes, but he'd spend the rest of his life getting the shit kicked out of him by his cellmates and playing mount the horse with them, except Light would have to be the horse most the time, and for some reason not wearing his pants while he did so. Yeah, that's the harsh reality of what happens in prisons, people. That's the real message of this fic.

Well, all's well that ends well.

Er, excluding all the people who died, you know, Light, Misa, Takada, Mikami, Watari, Soichiro, and a whole other bunch of less relevant people. But for those who lived- here's a credits montage for them showing where they are now:

L Lawliet- Since his term in hell was actually to be a hundred years, then heaven, L spent a hundred years not aging and being virtually immortal, continuing the name of L. To this day, he holds the world record for most amount of sugar consumed in a sitting.

Mihael "Mello" Keehl- Thanks to L, he managed to get away with being in the Mafia. Now that he no longer had to worry about being the next L- or beating Near- he opened up his own chocolate factory.

Mail "Matt" Jeevas- Became a video game tester, and since is extremely happy. Finally achieved his life goal when he met Hideo Kojima. Married Halle Lidner for reasons that will be explained in her credits. Is also the world's greatest gamer.

Nate "Near" River- Finally saw a therapist. It was then revealed that his middle name was actually Sebastian-Maurice, (Nate Sebastion-Maurice River) which had led to him becoming what he was.

Touta Matsuda- Finally managed to break Sayu out of her state, and is living in a happy relationship with her, despite the fact he shot her brother and the age difference.

Shuichi Aizawa- became the new police chief. That's it.

Kanzo Mogi- remained as a detective because he's not that important.

Roger Ruvie- had to remain taking care of children when he would've been much happier becoming a bug catcher. To this day, he's the only person who couldn't beat any Pokemon game he tried because he only used the bug type.

Stephan Loud "Gevanni"- Became a master thief with his skills of sneaking and lockpicking. L caught him, and now blackmails him frequently. He's now the new Aiber and Wedy, kind of.

Halle Bullook "Lidner"- wanted to go out with Mello, but he left her saying that a chocolatier must be free. So she went and married Matt, who says she's better than Final Fantasy VIII-heh, like that's hard.

Anthony Carter "Restor"- had to spend a lot of time paying off Near's giant robot. His wife left him. Heh.

Ryuk the Shinigami- He entered a prize draw, and although he did not win any money, he won his own apple orchard. He's the most happiest, and the apples he does not eat, he sells to the other Shinigami at ridiculously high prices.

All the Death Notes were destroyed. They thought that burning them wouldn't be enough, so, L covered them in sugar and ate them. Interestedly now, if he writes someone's name on his stomach, they get diabetes.