Note : To make it short, L and Light are lovers, they didn't die, they even associated for a better justice, came back to England, live at Wammy's and are happy together.

So, the action here takes place when Mello and Matt are 20 and L and Light have been back in England for some years now.

Yes, they're really emotional, but that's how I see them, Mello acting tough to hide his emotional nature, and I think he's not that strong inside. He's really smart, but his nature bounds him to act bad to hide his true feelings, because he would never admit his weaknesses.

And Matt, well, Matt, I see him as the one always backing up Mello. To the breaking point.

Rated M for reasons to come later.

Be warned that this fic also contain references to abuse, rape, insane sexual content, blood and other things necessary for the plot. Don't read if you can't stand it. Although I promise I won't describe too precisely that content, just the few facts that are needed for the story to take place. Thank you for your understanding.

The title is related to One Ok Rock's song, because I think the lyrics quite suit this fic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mello woke in a total mess. Not that he wasn't used to, but this time, he felt like throwing up. He fought the growing sickness, while he was trying to figure out where he was, his nights being filled with various encounters, various places, various uses and abuses, he needed more and more time each morning after, to recall events, lovers, situations.
He usually drank way too much, but the sickness wasn't due to alcohol this morning, he didn't know what exactly, until he saw blood. Wounds. His arms. And memories of last night hit him, urging him to find a bathroom, which hopefully was just next door.
Mello threw up all he could, his stomach contracting painfully while filling the toilets with a liquid that was obviously tainted with blood. Sh*t ! This time his saturday night wanders led him to something really fricky, even for someone like him who got used to any form of sexual encounters and fantasies. When he flushed the toilets, he felt like flushing his own life...
Looking at the shower, he slowly stepped in, and didn't even wait for the water to warm up, letting the cold drops fall on him, waking the pain in his arms, making it worse as the water got hot.
Washing his whole body, he laughed at himself as he realized that even in such a situation, he couldn't help but think how cheap that soap bar had to be, the kind you buy 4-packed at the supermarket, compared to what he used to get for himself. « What a desperate case I am, thinking of how I miss my little bathroom luxury supplies when I obviously let myself being abused once more... »
Drying himself, he jumped in his clothes, relieved that the wounds didn't bleed anymore. His cell phone was still in his trousers' pocket. But his chocolate was not. No money either. SH*T !
That's when he noticed the room was a cheap hotel room and not some appartment, and that of course his last night's lover had left earlier without any trace, but with his money. « I was really drunk last night, I was sure he said we were heading to his appartment... »

Matt picked up his ringing cell phone, letting himself fall on the driver's seat, closing the door of his car, sighing loudly at the view of the name on the little screen.
« Matt... » whispered a voice, immediately cut by the answer.
« Ok, just tell me where. » replied Matt, anger clearly showing in his tone.
He hung out without a word after getting the answer to his question, and drove out of the 7 Eleven parking, hurrying while mumbling furiously to himself.
« I should let him wait for hours before picking him up, why did I answer the phone anyway, he'll never learn ! And why me? Can't he take the bus or a taxi ? »
But he knew he would always pick a call with that name flashing on his cell phone's screen, he knew he would always drive and pick him wherever he was, he even knew that everything contained in the plastic bag on the passenger's seat had been bought in the unique aim of being eaten for breakfast in the car by this stupid little whore he knew would call him, like every sunday morning.
And he knew that the sigh he had let out when he saw the name on the screen was nothing related to annoyance. He was just relieved...

« WHAT ??? Look at your arms !!! » Matt shrieked in shock at the thin form that snaked on the passenger's seat with a half guilty, half happy smile on his face. Mello couldn't help but smile at Matt's reaction, because he craved such reactions. It dawned on him at that moment that he was probably just an attention whore, a thought soon put aside by the view of his favorite chocolate bar in the plastic bag, along with still warm canned coffee, pastries and headache pills. He swallowed it all on the way to Matt's appartment, none of them uttering a word during the journey, Matt's hands nervously tapping on the steering wheel, Mello knowing the storm would come later.

To Mello's surprise, Matt didn't ask him anything, he just sat in front of his computer, letting Mello stand in the middle of the living room.
« Matt... »
« Shut up »
« Matt... »
« SHUT UP ! »
« I... »
« SHUT THE HELL UP MELLO !!! I don't want to know what you did, why you're hurt or whatever you have to say, it's already hard to refrain myself from imagining the worst when you're out at night, I don't want to have any image of you doing anything during those nights in my mind, ok ?! »
Mello received Matt's words feeling a cold wave through his whole body. First, Matt had asked L if he could rent an appartment in town, which L had approved, then Matt was clearly telling him he didn't want to imagine what he did. Matt didn't want to live in the same house as him anymore, and now, he seemed disgusted by him ? Although it didn't surprise him, considering he felt somehow disgusted by himself, he started to cry.
Matt, eyes locked on his screen, didn't see the silent tears. It was only after noticing Mello was still standing at the same place after twenty minutes that he looked at him in a glance, not believing seeing tears running on Mello's cheeks. Mello, the cold hearted whore, Mello, the selfish, Mello, the one that was the less inclined to show any kind of feeling except mockery, dispising, or even sadism, Mello was crying ?
« Oh Mello, don't try the emotional side, I won't pity you with such crocodile tears » Matt said, rising from his chair and heading to the bathroom, coming back with bandages and disinfection lotion.
He made Mello sit on the sofa, and while taking care of Mello's cuts, he couldn't help but look at him, and he didn't miss the sudden look in Mello's eyes. It was so brief he could have missed it, and he even thought he imagined it, considering it was Mello, but this sadness... echoed with the sound of a heart breaking... his heart.

Five months ago, Matt was still living at Wammy's house. L had come back a few years ago, bringing Light with him after the Kira case had taken a new turn. L knew that Light was Kira, but together they had sided for a more effective justice, and actually, the Death Note hadn't been used very often till then. L and Light loved each other and during these last years, had provided Matt, Near and Mello something close to parentship.
Life was going easy, Matt and Mello were 20, and Near 18. They all three worked with L and Light, Matt with his computer skills, hacking, cracking and building whatever software or network was needed, Mello on a more underground level considering his relations with the mafia, collecting informations that could help solving cases and entertaining relations with groups that L could not be directly involved with due to his reputation, and Near directly on the cases.
But Matt, after living so close to Mello for years and yet being so far from him, had not been able to take it anymore. Mello had began to date that guy from Wammy's, H.
And so Matt decided it was time, for his sanity, to put some distance from the couple. He couldn't work properly anymore, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, the sight of Mello with H was all he had in mind no matter how hard he tried to concentrate on something else.
And so he left.
That's when Mello began to date more and more guys, and dug himself in more and more freaky stories.

« As you're still alive, I assume these wounds are not due to some weirdo willing to murder you ? » said Matt, trying to hide his anxiety behind a joking tone. Although he didn't feel like joking at all, already imagining in his head hundred of tortures he would inflict to anyone that had done that to Mello. This added to the fact he didn't want to know, but was feeling that he couldn't help Mello without knowing what happened, he was getting emotional and didn't like it at all.
« Actually, it was a game... » answered Mello.
« What ?! Are you seriously telling me you agreed to that ? » Matt was furious.
« I ended up with a guy from the bar I usually go on saturdays, he's a blades fanatic and we played a rape. I didn't think he would cut me for real, but after the first cut, the sensations were so breathtaking that I went for more, and he wanted me to lick my own cuts, it's been long since I enjoyed sex that much... »
Mello stopped at the sight of Matt covering his ears with his hands.
« I'm driving you back to Wammy's » said Matt, his voice shaky. He all at once wanted to slap Mello's face, hug him, keep him with him and be away from him. The last option was best.

Arrived at Wammy's, Mello got out of the car, Matt driving away as soon as he closed the passenger's door. Mello walked slowly inside Wammy's, then to his room, let himself fall on his bed and curled up in a ball, falling asleep after thousands of times repeating to himself « I'm sorry Matt, I'm so sorry... », tears running through his closed eyelids.

Mello woke up two hours later, aching all over. He changed his clothes, putting long sleeves to hide the cuts in his arms.

He had to see L this morning, at L's request the day before, concerning an urgent case in which Mello's acquaintances could help.
L was waiting for him in his office. A single glance at Mello told L all he needed to know.
« Hangover, right ? »
Mello nodded.
« I would really like to understand why you put yourself in such a state every week end » L asked, knowing he wouldn't get a direct answer.
« Well, I would do it on week days also, but you would be mad at me for not being able to do my job ».
« As you see, your presence can also be required on weekends » L said blankly, aware that Mello wouldn't take this in consideration, it was already much from him to refrain from diving in his glaucous activities during the week. But Mello had pride, so little was it, and made a point of honor to assume his duties for L on week days and nights.
Or, more than pride, maybe the thought of working with Matt sometimes, was enough to keep him sober...

L always tried to let week ends free for the three Wammy's orphans, except when a case was too urgent to wait, he wanted them to have a life outside of those said cases, as being surrounded with major cases of rape, murder and such was insane enough not to add some more mind wrecking work rythm. He didn't want for them what he had forced on himself.
But Mello was worrying him. He knew he couln't ask him anything about his doings, Mello wouldn't have told anything, and Matt, he knew it, didn't tell him the whole truth either. When L had questionned Matt about Mello, he knew he was hiding things to prevent L to lock Mello in his room forever. Seeing Mello come back every sunday morning with a hangover, sometimes bruises in his face that he assumed to be due to fighting, L had told Matt he would assign someone to follow Mello on weekends, if Matt didn't want to tell him, then he would find another way to know.
Matt had made L promise he would not assign anyone, that he would do it, proposition that L accepted, to the condition Matt made it sure to tell him if Mello was in a situation that required L to do something to drag him out of said situation. He knew he was not close to learn more about Mello's night life, but at least he worried a bit less knowing Matt had an eye on Mello. He accepted such a compromise more because of the hint of pain he saw in Matt's eyes than for Mello himself. He would step in Mello's life anyway, one day or the other, if the situation went on this way.

Matt was already doing more than picking Mello every sunday morning, that's why he hadn't wanted L to send someone else see what Mello was in.
What he saw long before L had made him promised to watch over Mello made him want to die, and yet, he couldn't help himself backing up Mello toward L, making sure Mello was safe, or at least not too harmed.
How could he tell L that Mello let himself be picked by any guy in any bar, used and abused as a sex toy, going further each time in depravity, to the point he had been beaten, cut, forced to drink his own blood, almost raped, gangbanded and god knows what more ?
Each sunday morning was the same, Matt didn't want to know, but he had to know anyway.
And each time a piece of his heart broke. And each time he would drive Mello back to Wammy's, although L had just wanted him to follow him, they had no agreement for Matt to pick up Mello. And yet, he always did it.
And he was always the one Mello called...

« Thank you Mello, that was all we needed to conclude the case. » L said, as Mello left his office.

Back in his room, Mello curled back on his bed, thoughts wandering.
He remembered... it was 6 months ago...
Matt was sitting on the sofa, in the common living room, Mello had laid next to him, his head resting on Matt's lap, that was their usual position while Matt was playing with his PSP and Mello was bored. Mello had fell half asleep, and suddenly had felt a hand in his hair. He had kept his eyes closed, not wanting the hand to go away. He had slowly opened his eyes after a while, really wanting to know the reason of Matt's unusual action. Matt wasn't playing anymore, his eyes were on Mello, with an expression Mello would never ever forget. When Matt realized Mello wasn't asleep anymore, he jerked back and got off the room. They never talked about that...
Mello had come to the conclusion Matt was only daydreaming about some girl and got lost a few minutes, realizing too late it was Mello on his lap and not a girl he probably had views on. But still... such a loving look... Mello felt his belly contract at the memory of Matt's eyes that day. He wanted that look on him, for him, so badly... but there was no chance it would happen, and still he craved for it hopelessly.
But Matt probably felt bad about what happened, since he moved in town one month later. Mello was sure that Matt was ashamed of what he did, and couldn't stand staying next to Mello after that. Matt was probably ashamed that someone could think he's gay, when that someone actually prayed all gods for him to be gay.
Added to that, Mello had soon noticed through his nights wanders that Matt was stalking him. He said nothing, and had assumed it to be L's will, even before L actually asked for it. He had for a second hoped Matt was just caring for him, but he had drowned that foolish hope in several glasses of whiskey.
Matt told nothing about that, Mello didn't say he knew he was being followed every saturday night, and things stayed as they were.
The first times, his encounters had been quite normal : meeting a guy, drinking, getting drunk, getting laid, going back to Wammy's.
But just getting laid soon became not enough, he needed more. More sensations, more thrills. And soon, sensations and thrills were not enough either anymore. That's when Mello started to look for danger.
His pleasure was bound to putting himself in the hands of creepy guys eager to use him for their most scary fantasies.

And the more he got into this, the more dangerous the situations became. He was getting insensitive to what he tried, sexually speaking, so fast, that he needed to find something new every week. That's how he ended up tied, gagged, whipped, slapped, kicked, wounded, almost suffocated, and more.
Until last night, he never freaked out. But even drunk, when the guy had cut his arm for the first time, he suddenly heard a voice inside him call for Matt. He had been scared, and he had wanted Matt right there to comfort him. He had forced himself to drink even more, so the voice would shut up. And then, with four cuts in each arm, each at least fifteen centimeters long, just deep enough to bleed a certain amount of blood without being life threatening, the guy had made him lick his wounds and drink his own blood, while he was pounding Mello like mad.
And yet, Mello knew he would go back to that bar next week...
Because, more than sexual excitation, it meant, for a few minutes, being secure in Matt's car, leaving the dirt outside, and see his face even if the angry look he got most of the time was not the look he was hoping so hard to receive...

Note : Just a beginning, I'm trying to set the story in place, I hope it's not too confused... This fic is meant to be very long so I don't want to go too fast with my ideas.
Please review !