Lord Drake Misadventures 60
By Vyce Dryke 2009

Drake: This is fun!

Tlanextic snorts, lifting up a Guardsman and snapping him in half with his beak. Seeming to become more violent since his transformation into a Daemon Prince, flaying souls left and right. Claws raking, and Daemonic Armor shrugging off blows and shots from bolters.

Drake: I mean. Look at all the bodies. People to maim, people to burn, people to kill.
Tlanextic: Let see if we can keep up with Kharn and Angron eh?

Kharn and Angron, side by side and followed by their Beserker 'groupies', knocking around Loyalists and Traitors alike while they chase after someone or something on the battlefield. The lines more or less broke down and the entire line was a swirling Melee. Ahriman was having trouble, and from the looks of it the Space Wolves made a beeline to the Thousand Sons. The Imperial Fist and the Iron warriors predictably clashed. The Iron Hands and the Emperor's Children do the same. Across the line everything was more or less the same.

Ahriman: DON'T CALL ME SHORTY!
Russ: Okay, Napoleon.

Ahriman literally picks up a Rubric marine and throws it at the Space Wolf with his powers. Russ's reflexes save him and he leaps out of the way. The poor Rubric Marine Shatters. An angry looking Magnus storms through, knocking Space Marines left and right, the Daemon Prince using his unfathomable powers to rend the souls of loyalist from their bodies and sacrifice them in the name of Tzeentch.

Magnus: This is for your insult to my Legion, Primarch.

Magnus twists, forming a tail with his monstrous powers and impaling another Marine, glaring at Russ.

Magnus: And I will find your precious Emperor and cleave him in two! And then perhaps we'll mount your corpse on a golden chair and make an idol out of you as well...
Versian: And by corpse you mean penis
McCarrick: Agreed

Russ and Magnus stop, and stare. Right there is a Ork Warboss, standing next to one of the Imperial blades.

Magnus: Isn't that a joke that Fulgrim would come up with?
Fulgrim: I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST!
Drake: VERSIAN! I knew I'd find you here!
Versian: It's the final battle, you expect me to just stand around and watch while you sissies throw stuff at each other? Hardly. That and I heard your here. So we naturally need to come again and clean your clocks.
Drake: My clock doesn't need cleaning!
Tlanextic: Wrong sort of Clocks my lord.
Drake: But we don't even own a clock!? Where do clocks fit into the Grim Darkness of the far future?
Tlanextic: That's still not what he meant.
Drake: I don't care what he meant. We don't need to tell time. We don't even need flashlights. Flashlights aren't grimdark. Neither are bright things.
Tlanextic: But our las-based weaponry is bright.
Drake: ALL SHINIES ARE NOW RETCONNED.
Tlanextic: Your not Eldrad my Lord.
Drake: Well I'll find him. Where are you Eldrad?

Lord Drake wanders off before Tlanextic can protest, bashing in skulls while a worried Dragonspit stays extra close, batting off enemies trying to kill him.

Speaking of Eldrad.

Vyce: Right. So dragon army.

There is loud stomping heard, and a pink dreadnought crashes through the already broken and busted door.

Brother Lame: None shall pass.

Vyce snorts, turning to look at the Dreadnought, the other dragons still looking groggy and still slowly waking up, becoming aware of their surroundings and blinking.

Rhuemwight: Good heavens, it's Brother Lame.
Vyce: What's you going to do pinkie?
Brother Lame: I, Brother Lame of the Peace Crusaders, will stop you.
Vyce: That's all fine and dandy.. but...

Vyce's tail flicks and grows and extends. Rhuemwight, understanding what's happening, back away with a squeak. Eldrad gives the 'Inquisitor' a weird look, but follows suit. Vyce quickly changes to his huge feral form, towering over the lot of them and knocking some machinery over.

Brother Lame: I exist to serve. Prepare to di-

Suddenly, there is another crash, and Itsu stumbles into the room, knocking over the Dreadnought.

Itsu: My Lord. I'm here! Stop wandering off Eldrad.
Eldrad: Itsu! Now is not the time. I need help retconning some things before it's too late!
Itsu: Isn't it never too late to retcon something?
Eldrad: Well it's too late that, when we do, we'll have so many fans complaining we need to reverse the retcon.
Itsu: So.. Did it not work with the Squats?
Eldrad: I don't think anyone cared about the Space Dwarfs in the first place. They got outsourced as Oompah Loompahs.

Suddenly, several Squats walk in, but for some reason are orange and have green.. hair.. And then.. they start singing!?

Squa-Oompah Loompahs: Oompa loompa doompety doo. I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompety dee. If you are wise you'll list-

Vyce snorts, eats one, the rest of them scatter and continue their song.

Oompah Loompahs: What do you get when you guzzle down sweets, Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at, getting terribly fat. What do you think will come of that?
Vyce: STOP RYHMING!

Vyce chomps down on another one. Everyone else is too stunned to react, or move, or do much of anything.

Oompah Loompahs: Oompa loompa doompety da. If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too. Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do Doompety do.

Vyce goes to devour another one but for some reason they all explode ad the facility nearly collapses.

Vyce: Okay! I don't care who's here or still trying to figure things out. Let's MOVE!

Brother Lame: But.. but..

Eldrad starts moving towards Itsu, Vyce grabs him with his tail and coils it around him, dragging the Eldar along.

Vyce: Your going nowhere.
Itsu: hold on!
Vyce: We can negotiate later. This place is going to fall.

The Dragons look confused, but follow anyway as Vyce and the others run out of the room as it starts to collapse, going to erase whatever else of the Imperial DRAGON program existed.

Elsewhere... On the ship Obligatory Cameos.

Agent21: Come on! We'll miss everything.
Agent17: We've got time, it's supposed to be like.. a huge thing.
Ghost04: We can watch it from here on Holovid.
The Biscuit Monster: PASS THE POPKHORNE.
Zahr: The Necrons can't just sit out.
Naso: If there were they'd be Necron Igloos.
BenJi Man: Or Phase Dildos.
thedeathguy2: My titans can flatten your Phase Dildos.
Arich444: That's what she said!
Sawblade: Can I just like. Send my Tyranids to devour them all?
D3mon: No! Bad bug.
Biscuit: Did you jus-
Sawblade: Bug? BUG!? BUUUUUG!?
Hardun: I recommend running.
Remy G: Running far.
Weaver: Or maybe we should harass Vyce for the horrible Cameos.
Gorb: Or ban him.
NeCoHo: Or lock his thread.
Immortal Chaos: Or edit his posts to something silly.
Naso: Since when did banning get rid of me?
Gorb: Good question.
Mellisia: Stupid Answer.
Agent17: So what happens when Vyce covers everyone in the cameo?
Ecaja: Well I th-
Neenja: Quick! Stop him before he goes into an essay about cameos!
Twiggy: I dunno. Something bad?
Delixe: Well then let's not run out of Cameos.
Elric_de_Melnibone: Or anything else for that matter.
Sawblade: We can always have him come back later and write in more.
No2Wookie: *Headdesk*
McCarrick: Say.. Why aren't Celethorn and Tritus here with their bacon cakes?

Elsewhere...

On board The Shining Claw's Warship, The Archangel, two former Space Marines turned dragons converse as the ship and the fleet belonging to both The Shining Claws and The Knights of Custos Morum shoot through the warp, about to exist into Terran space. Celethorn seems to be poking at bacon cake, eying it strangely.

Tritus: Okay, so we're about ready to assault Terra and tear out the heart of the Imperium. Are your forces ready to go?
Celethorn: Aff. The moment we arrive we can launch an-What in the Emperor's name?
Tritus: Hmm?

Tritus turns to look, the fleet just translated from warp space to normal space. And the sight they saw was one to behold. Chaos fighting the Imperium, a massive space battle occurring over Terra all the way over to Mars. Cannons firing, torpedoes, fighters, and bombers everywhere. Bright explosions, gaudy paint schemes, and spikes all over.

Celethorn: Looks like we're late to the party.
Tritus: Looks like Chaos might have beaten us to getting here.
Celethorn: Well that's a shame. Should we help Chaos or...?
Tritus: We'll deal with them later. If they get in the way, engage them, but otherwise make way for Terra, engage ships only if necessary.

A crew member for The Archangel pipes up.

Shining Claw: Brother-Captain, it appears we're receiving a message coming from Mars.
Celethorn: Mars?
Tritus: What the dev-
Shining Claw: It's forcing it's way through!

The screen shifts from a view of the battle, to a familiar scaled face taking up the viewscreen, red eyes mischievous.

Tritus: Chaos Dragon!

Celethorn growls and steps in front of Tritus, giving Vyce a glare. Although Eldrad was oddly absent.

Celethorn: You again! It's about time we met once more dragon.
Vyce: Indeed. Except I'm not interested in fighting. I actually need a lift so I can knock out the Imperium.
Celethorn: A lift? Please. Find your own way dragon.
Vyce: I'm sure you'd like to hear I have an army's worth of dragons ready to topple the Imperium.
Tritus: An army?
Vyce: Indee-
Celethorn: No.
Vyce: Listen to me, please. I know the forces I am loyal to seem to be Chaos, but my agenda is not conquest!
Celethorn: Out of th-
Tritus: We'll do it.
Celethorn: What? We can't possibly trust the Chaos Scum.
Vyce: I have girl scout cookies?
Celethorn: That doesn't work on me filth.
Vyce: Bacon cake?
Celethorn: Undecided.
Vyce: Uhm... These dragons aren't decided on a side yet, perhaps you can coax some of them to fight for you.
Celethorn: So how do we get to Mars without getting roasted?
Vyce: It's what I have him for. An Inquisitor.

Rhuemwight fumbles and makes loud complaining sounds.

Tritus: He doesn't look like an Inquisitor.
Vyce: But he is, and the Mechanicus thinks we're on his.. Side?

Vyce suddenly gets knocked aside, an Avatar setting Rhuemwight free.

Itsu: My Lord. Be careful!
Avatar: Well I'm not used to this!
Vyce: Wait a minute. Is that Eldrad?
Avadrad: Nope. I have an awesome new name. Avadrad!

Facepalms were made, and the two start fighting, the screen goes dark.

Tritus: Well?
Celethorn: Well what?
Tritus: Are we going to get him?
Celethorn: Only for the other dragons.

Tritus sighs and nods, watching the blank screen before it resumes a view of the fight. The ship signals the rest of the fleet to maneuver.

Back on Terra...

With all the carnage going on, nobody quite noticed a key player. Until it was too late. A figure in Golden Armor steps onto the field, quite literally blasting a path through by charging his laz0r, killing friends and foes alike, and stomping onto the field.

Drake: I can't tell who that is! His armor is way too bright!
Tlanextic: That can only be one person.

The fighting literally stops, everyone turns to look at the Emperor. Some are shocked, some are glad he's here, some others are baffled, including..

Abbadon: What're you doing alive? I thought Horus killed you?
Emperor: It was only my stunt double.
Abbadon: What.. No.. It can't be.. NOOOOOOOO!!!
Emperor: I was on vaca-
Abbadon: NOOOOOOOOO!
Emperor: He foug-
Abbadon: NOOOO!!!! Horus's sacrifice was for nothing... my.. My.. Purpose is nothing. CURSE YOU!

Abbadon throw himself at the Emperor, the Emperor smirks, steps aside, and gives Abbadon a massive wedgie. Abbadon's pitch skyrockets.

Abbadon: MOMMY!
Emperor: FORE!

The Emperor brandishes his most holy golf club, it blinds a few people and they fall over, scratching at their eyes. With a flash, Abbadon is struck and is shot off into the atmosphere. The Emperor frowns, noting he broke the club.

Ahriman: MY TURN!

The Emperor now brandishes his most holy baseball bat, and it hits, and whacks him into Magnus, who nearly crushes the Sorcerer in anger.

Magnus: Your DEAD EMPEROR! Your reign is at a-

The Emperor brandishes a holy toilet seat cover, and slams it around Magnus's neck. Magnus looks horrified.

Magnus: How'd you know my only weakness?
Emperor: I know everything.
Drake: KNOW THIS!

Drake leaps, and is smacked aside with just a wrist flick. Tlanextic growls and conjures up a spell, the Emperor answers with his own. Both are used, both collide, and nothing happens. Tlanexitc launches forward, moving the attack with his staff. The Emperor takes the hit, but grabs the staff and breaks it in two. Tlanextic looks dumbfounded before the Emperor grabs him and cracks his back. Tlanexitc hisses and bites at, but the Emperor hogties him and tosses him aside too.

Emboldened, the battle begins anew, the Space Marines fighting with vigor for the Emperor was with them. It seemed Chaos was ready to lose.. until

Salamander: Look! Up in the sky!
Blood Angel: It's a bird!
Alpha Legion: It's a plane!
Versian: No you idiots, it's a mass of dragons.

Above, The Archangel is seen, the Shining Claws and the The Knights of Custos Morum fleet starts disgorging it's cargo of dragons high in the sky. Although how they ships got through without any problems is a good question, and Avadrad and Itsu basically fall from the sky like rocks, Rhuemwight included.

The dragons land in various spots, and start punching holes in the Imperium's lines. Avadrad and Itsu land, scattering Space Marines and Chaos Space Marines everywhere, and heads start rolling and more carnage ensues. Vyce is seen in his feral form, swooping down overhead, followed closely by Tritus and Celethorn.

Tritus: Is that who I think it is?
Celethorn: It is! The Emperor! Praise be!
Vyce: Oh hells.

Vyce drives faster, and pile drives into the Emperor face-first, the two roll. Vyce snaps with powerful jaws, and the Emperor uses his strength to fend back.

Vyce: I've been waiting for this moment!
Emperor: You don't have anything on me Chaos Dragon!

The Emperor punches, and Vyce's jaw cracks. He howls in pain, but the opening allows him to bite down hard on the Emperor's shoulder, and he too hisses in pain, but ignores it and punches again, the Chaos Dragon whining before he spits out a torrent of warp fire. The Emperor uses his psychic powers to shield himself from the warpflame, and with a great effort grabs the dragon by the neck and throws him, he goes flying and lands with a sickening crunch.

Emperor: None can challenge me!
Slaanesh: Want to bet babe?
Tzeentch: Just as planned.
Nurgle: Nurgle!
Khorne: Ah-hah!
Emperor: Well it it isn't the Chaos Gods. I don't think I can take you all on at once.
Slaanesh: It's okay, we're not fighting you anyway.
Emperor: Huh?
Tzeentch: We're being lazy.
Khorne: And it's more fun to watch.
Nurgle: Therefore...

The four step back.

Slaanesh: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll!
Khorne: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
Tzeentch: Just as planned.
Nurgle: NURGLE!
All four: With our powers combined...

Vyce groggily starts to get back up.

Vyce: What int he name of the four fathers are the four fathers doing?
Drake: Hell if I know.

Tlanextic says nothing and merely groans and facepalms. The four gods smirk, and look to Vyce, Vyce stares back, clueless and still reeling from being hit in such a way.

Four Fathers: Vyce shall gain our combined powers..

Four glowing lights shoot at Vyce, the Chaos Dragon stares and starts to get up, about to receive such amazing powers, except..

Rhuemwight: WAIT! WAIT! Don't forget about me! I'm sorry
All: NO!
Rhuemwight: Huh?

The four orbs of light hit Rhuemwight, hard. The four gods jawdrop (Nurgle's jaw just falls off completely). The Cultist Inquisitor stares, hiccups.

Rhuemwight: AUUUUGH. MY SPLEEN

And then promptly explodes. The shockwave of power strikes everything, and the explosion devours everything in sight. The explosion clears, everything goes white. Lord Drake appears with a halo.

Drake: So like.. Am I dead? Where's the blood fountains? and the skulls piled up sky high? This isn't Khorne heaven.

Tlanextic appears next.

Tlanextic: I'm dead? Does that mean Drake isn-

Tlanextic hears a cough, turns, and stares at Lord Drake in horror. Drake smiles and waves.

Tlanextic: Even in the afterlife I can't escape you!
Drake: Nope. Together forever.

Vyce appears, followed by Rhuemwight. Vyce immediately chomps on Rhuemwight.

Rhuemwight: Wait! Wait! We can fix this!
Vyce: Fix fast boy!
Rhuemwight: I can transfer them to you somehow!
Vyce: You can transfer all you want in my stomach.
Rhuemwight: WAIT WAIT! I CAN REWRITE THE SCRIPT!
Vyce: Thats my job.

Rhuemwight struggles in Vyce's jaws.

Rhuemwight: You can't eat me! I'll respawn.
Vyce: In my stomach! You ruined everything. EVERYTHING!

Avadrad and Itsu appear next.

Avadrad: I could retcon it.
Itsu: My Lord! You can't!
Avadrad: Well considering how that just annihilated everyone in existence. I think I can make an exception.
Vyce: I still want to eat him!
Avadrad: Except this will take all my strength. Istu-Karandras, take my place after I die.
Itsu: Eldrad! No! Can't you technically retcon that too?
Avadrad: ... Shut up. I'm trying to drop out here.

Suddenly everything rewinds, we're back to the scene with the orbs flying, and they collide with Vyce. He doubles in size, multiple wings shooting out of him, now sporting seven wings, wicked spikes growing along his tail.

Vyce: In the name of Khorne, I claim your skull. In the name of Tzeentch, I claim your soul. In the name of Slaanesh, I claim your body. And in the name of Nurgle, I will leave you dead to rot.
Emperor: I will defeat you, and finally cleanse the galaxy of you and your filth.
Vyce: Have at you!

Vyce leaps, spitting warpflame, the Emperor raises his arm and creates a psychic shield. The shield shatters and the Emperor dodges the pounce. Vyce hisses and twists his body around so he lands facing the Emperor. The swirling battle still rages on, Chaos gaining the upper hand with their powerful new reinforcements, various elements such a afire, ice, electricity, pudding (whut?), death, and others colliding into the enemy. Any others collide and rend and tear with tooth and claw.

The Emperor and Vyce engage in an epic battle, blocking blow after blow, and each time losing his shielding but able to bring it back up fast enough for it not to matter.

Emperor: You'll never win!
Vyce: Just watch me. I'll put you so far into your golden throne they won't know the difference between man, machine, and a walrus.
Emeperor: A walrus?
Vyce: Look! Girl Scout cookies!
Emperor: What?

The Emperor looks away, and Vyce's tail darts, using the power of Tzeentch to transform it into a powerful spike which pierces the Emperor's armor and goes out the other side.

Vyce: you won't be needing this.
Emperor: No!

Vyce starts to drain the Emperor's soul. A process that takes time...

A long time..

Emperor: NOOOOO!!

A long long time..

Emperor: NOOO!!!!

A long long long time...

Emperor: Can we get this over with already?
Vyce: Oh shut up.

So much time that Vyce sighs, springs his claws, and skips the Tzeentch part for the Khorne part, and removes the Emperor's head from his shoulders. Tzeentch pouts in the background, Khorne cackles. Vyce raises his paw high, and roars in triumph.

Later...

The fighting eventually died down, the remaining Imperial Forces around Terra disperse or are destroyed. Heavy losses were made on both sides, but the victory over the heart of the Imperium was worth it. The forces of Chaos pick the battlefield apart, and begin to lose interest and leave.

The Chaos Gods returned Vyce back to normal and left to, and the command section of the Black Draconis gathered.

Drake: So now that that's over..
Tlanextic: We have Terra to ourselves..
Vyce: I should make it a Daemon world, I'd have fun with an entire world to myself. Maybe make a legion or something out of boredum.
Drake: Do you know what this means?
Tlanextic: Party?
Corrack: Nope! It's time for a fiesta!
All: Oh no.. Not again...

Where Are They Now?

Lord Drake still leads the Black Draconis Space Marine Legion. He's since decided he should be a Daemon Prince after all so he can be as awesome as Tlanextic. However given his Black Dragon legion it was more of a larger form of Vyce's Anthro form. He freaked out and thought he turned into a furry so he decided to 'stop being a Daemon Prince' despite Khorne's insistence it's impossible.

Tlanextic stays as a Daemon Prince, liking his new form. However he's still bound to Lord Drake. As Tzeentch says there should be a reason to come why he's still like that way. Tlanextic suspects it's for Comedy and a new Sitcom about Lord Drake and Tlanextic.

Vyce finds out Terra might be a nice vacation home and sets up shop there with his dragon army, and launch attacks against whoever is leftover. Tritus and Celethorn, seeing their Emperor dead and destroyed hang around with Vyce for awhile, plotting to take down Chaos, but at the same time helping Vyce with the Xenos.

Rhuemwight, being unkillable, reluctantly returned to being a cultist under Lord Drake's rule. He still explodes all the time, but it's better than doing it everytime he respawns. Khorne still found it amusing.

Michael Jackson somehow came back from the dead and turned into a Necron. The Necrons are currently plotting making him their leader, but the Void Dragon stepped in and took over, and poises to strike Chaos and maybe harass the Tau.

Itsu returns to the Eldar, not too bother by Eldrad's death, and takes his place at the head of the Eldar and GW's retcon retinue. Although there were various death threats sent to GW and as a result they've 'overlooked' the Imperium falling. He's now the new GW retconner.

Revenant goes to write Rise of the Tau. Many perverted jokes were made. No2Wookie then makes a review to make fun of the Tale. And then C.S. Goto rips it off and gives the Tau Multilasers and GW and the Black Library doesn't even bat an eyelash at it.

Arafalas and Corrack fight for gay marriage until some sense is smacked into the legalists leftover that Arafalas isn't a guy anymore thanks to Naso. They lived happily ev-No, not really, they divorced years later because Corrack was yamming everything that moved... And even anything that didn't move... and.. tragically lost Mr Happy. A rather horrible fate for Corrack.. Except he found out how to grow tentacles and did so with some help from Naso. o..O; Their legion still roams about, raping and... more raping.

All the cameos went back where they belonged, mostly to either their own stories or back on the forums, bugging Vyce into continuing Misadventures or something else more amusing, or maybe a sequel. huh. Sequel.

Vyce Dryke goes to take a break, and then write Mont'au

Number of times Tlanextic Facepalmed: 10
Number of time Rhuemwight Exploded: 15
Number of times Lord Drake said Khorne's..!: 10
Number of times Vyce changed Chaos Alignments: 4