Greetings from the precipice of death!~

Those of you who read my Tales of Symphonia story will know that, lately, school has been eating me like I'm the last food on earth. It's actually a joke. All the stress has made me sick - no kidding. It weakens your immune system, stress.

SPOILERS for the... Uh... End of Series 3 I think it will be. So if you've never heard of Shuuhei, don't know the true form of the Sokyoku (if that's how you spell it) or haven't seen THAT spoiler... Then yeah. I'd give it a miss.

Prompt number 18 from my random list of random prompts ^^

Anyhow, so my friend linked me to the "Shinigami picture book: Golden!" omakes on Youtube (since they don't have them on English Bleach) as a brief break from PILES AND PILES of work, and I happened to come across the one where the SWA (Shinigami Women's Association, called the Society of Female Soul Reapers in English I believe) are attempting to raise some funds. Rangiku collars Shuu and Izuru and proposes they do some modelling. When I saw Shuuhei's ridiculous grin at that suggestion, this story was born.

And also because the idea of anyone wearing the thong from Borat is enough to make me laugh.

...And because we went to a quiz the night after, and our team scored 69 points. You know you're helplessly addicted to Bleach when you go "69! It mist be a sign! I have to write a story about Shuuhei! Because he IS 69! Ahahaha-" ...You get the picture.

Either way, I haven't really encountered Shuuhei much - he doesn't get enough love in what's currently out over here in England - so he might be a bit OOC. If he is, I'm so sorry. The last thing I want is to murder one of the most immense Lieutenant's character. But I tried. I tried.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did own, then certain Arrancar wouldn't... Yeah... And Gin would secretly be plotting against Aizen.
BECAUSE HE LOVES MOMO AHAHAHAHA- No, seriously, but he would be a double-traitor. Because that's cool.

I'm posting this up before Symphony because I'm waiting for my beta to get back to me, anyone who reads that. I did finish Symphony before I wrote this. XD

Story read, laughed at, poked fun at, beta'd and inspired by links sent from Cute Chao, who is amazing... And also really mean to me :( But at least she corrected most of my mistakes...

Smile

[Rangiku + camera = run]

"Shū! Hey, Shū!" Rangiku called. Shūhei turned, hopefully, to see her running down the corridor towards him, waving something in her hand that he couldn't see at that distance.

"You brought the reports!" He exclaimed happily. "Hallelujah! Now I can finish off… The…" He trailed off as he saw that what she was holding was not, in fact, several pages of neatly penned reports on Hollow and Arrancar activity in the Human World, but what looked like several polaroids and a camera.

"Morning!" She trilled, grabbing him into a hug once she reached him. Shūhei clamped his eyes shut as he was squeezed tightly against Rangiku's more-than-ample breast.

I will not peek. I am strong. I will resist! He told himself determinedly, before finding his eyes inching open, almost of their own accord. Uh… Someone must be casting Kidō on me, that's it! When I find out who it is, I'll hug them tightly and… Scratch that… I'll kill them so hard they won't be able to tell what bad phrasing I used… However, rather than a view of the Rangiku Hills, Shūhei instead got a face-full of camera.

"Gah! Rangiku, what happened to those reports you're supposed to be handing in from Tenth Company?" He demanded as he was released, attempting to regain some of his dignity – an impressive feat for someone who had next to none to begin with.

"Uh, reports?" Rangiku repeated, crossing one arm across her chest and rubbing her chin thoughtfully with the other in a way that only served to enhance her assets. Shūhei attempted to force his eyes upwards to focus on her face. Needless to say, he failed miserably and found himself envying Captain Hitsugaya more than was healthy. "Well, I, um, I'll get those for you later!" She decided on with a bright smile, beaming at him. He forced his eyes up to her face successfully. "But I've got a job for you!" She continued, grabbing his hand and pulling him away.

"But, Rangiku-!" He protested, not having any say in the matter whatsoever, if Rangiku had her way.

Which, of course, she always did.

Rangiku twirled Shūhei into her office happily, leaving the Lieutenant feeling slightly dizzy and more than a little overwhelmed.

"…Will there be reports at the end of this?" Shūhei asked, mournful hope in his voice. Rangiku considered it.

"Well… There will be a kind of report…" She agreed, somewhat shiftily. Shūhei sighed wearily. He was never going to get those reports. He was going to spend the rest of his life hunting down Rangiku Matsumoto to get non-existent reports from her. He was starting to think that he should just cut his losses and appeal to Captain Hitsugaya. "Say cheese!" Rangiku cut across his thoughts, taking a picture of him. He blinked.

"You want… Pictures?" He hazarded. Rangiku nodded happily, and Shūhei sighed. "Well you could have just said so, instead of dragging me off without any word of warning!" Rangiku made a face.

"Oh, were you working?" She asked apologetically. Shūhei blinked. He couldn't remember that far back. He rewinded his memory of the day, and it went back to seeing Rangiku's assets bouncing towards him – uh, Rangiku running up enthusiastically.

"I… Might have been…" He replied evasively. Rangiku smiled in her most charming way. Shūhei didn't have a chance.

"You don't mind taking a little break for me, though, right?" She asked hopefully, leaning forward to give Shūhei a view down her top. He looked at the wall determinedly. The wall was pretty. Pretty wall. He certainly did not want to stare down the top of Lieutenant Matsumoto, at her large, attractive, breasts… no, he did not… he felt his eyes slide to the side, then snapped them back to the wall. Did not. Not! "For your Ranny?" She continued.

"Of course not," his mouth said before his brain could engage. When it did engage, it said exactly the same thing, just with a few niggling comments about slowly turning into a hypocrite, which he ignored completely. He glanced back – Rangiku was still leaning forwards – then looked back at the wall again. There was an interesting knot of wood about halfway up. It was very swirly and attractive, curvaceous like Rangi- very pretty…

"Great!" Rangiku enthused happily, straightening up once more, and Shūhei looked back slowly. He often wondered how her clothes stayed on, since they seemed designed to show the maximum amount of bre- skin. How did she avoid becoming indecent when she fought?

You should be ashamed of yourself, Shūhei Hisagi, he told himself sternly. And you should especially be ashamed of instantly considering asking to spar with her. Bad Shūhei. BAD.

"Put this on!" Rangiku declared, whipping out an outfit and holding it out to him enthusiastically. Shūhei took it and looked at it dubiously.

"Uh… How?" He asked. It seemed to be made of string, and not much else. Rangiku grinned, somewhat scarily.

"I'll show you!" She enthused, grabbing him by the shihakusho.

"Wh-whoa there!" Shūhei told her quickly, hands up to stop her. "One, I'm not sure I want to change into something that doesn't look like clothes in front of you, and two, what am I getting out of this?"

"A copy of the photos?" Rangiku tried. Shūhei looked at the strings, then at the camera, then back at the strings.

"A copy… Of the photos," he repeated slowly. Rangiku nodded happily. "And the cause is… What?" Rangiku considered this.

"The Rangiku Matsumoto Wellbeing Foundation?" She tried.

"Pictures of me in a… string-thing… Will help your wellbeing?" Shūhei asked. Just for clarification, of course. Rangiku nodded.

"Immensely," she agreed.

"How much do I have to take off to put this on?" He tried tentatively.

"Oh… Quite a bit…" Rangiku replied evasively. Shūhei looked at the strange string collection once more.

"How much is 'quite a bit'?" He pressed. Rangiku bit her lip slightly, in what Shūhei instantly classed as a very attractive way.

"Oh… Say… Everything?" She replied. Shūhei looked slowly back down at the… Thing.

"…In front of you?" He continued with the questions. She nodded. "Right here?" Another nod. "Did you seriously think I'd agree to that?" Pause, slow nod. "…Why?" He had to ask. Rangiku beamed.

"Because you're nice like that!" She replied, as if it were obvious. Shūhei ground his palm into his forehead in despair. She was totally impossible.

"Are you drunk?" He demanded. Rangiku looked affronted.

"Of course not!" She responded haughtily. "Whatever made you suspect that I would be?" Shūhei instantly brought to mind the little drinking session that he, her and Izuru had had shortly after the triple desertion… The fact that he couldn't remember much after getting Izuru to Division 4 to detox and going back to Division 10's HQ and breaking out a crate of sake… The way Rangiku would swear under her breath and down an entire gourd of sake every time Gin was mentioned by name… And how both of them tended to drink more than was healthy now, to forget. It was so easy to forget when you were out of your mind on sake.

However, he didn't say any of this.

"Uh… No reason," he admitted instead, not wanting to upset Rangiku to actually drinking by mentioning the main (current) reason why she drank. He was almost 90 percent certain that Rangiku was, or had been, in love with Gin. He had no idea how it would feel to hold a sword to the throat of the one you loved. Being used by his Captain had cut him deeply enough…

It was then that something hit him.

"Wait… You seriously thought I would strip in front of you, and you're completely sober?" He repeated. "You might be able to make me do… Some things... Against my better judgement, but usually one or both of us is drunk at the time!" Rangiku considered that.

"Oh, yes…" She remarked. "You were drunk at the time…" Shūhei went a few shades paler. He did not like what that sentence implied.

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, what?" He asked. Rangiku simply smirked deviously. "…When did I do whatever I did?" He continued, aware that his sentence sounded rather strange.

"Sake?" She offered innocently, producing a gourd from behind her and a drinking dish from between her breasts. Shūhei stared at said dish in utter, complete astonishment. He had not known that was there. Was it worth agreeing to consuming alcohol in the presence of Rangiku, a camera, and a strange item of clothing, just to touch that dish?

Shūhei Hisagi, you should be ashamed of yourself, he told himself for the second time that day. Besides, touching that dish would be akin to touching her breasts, which you do NOT want to do, remember? Remember? You are most certainly not going to be drinking out of tha-­ "Yes please," he heard himself say. Damn me. Get a hold of yourself. The answer you wanted was no. NO. Tell her no. Stop her whilst she's still pouring the sake… Stop her… No, don't drink it! Shūhei completely ignored all his insistences at himself, downing the alcohol. He was so weak… But he had touched the dish. Oh, the ways he could twist that in his mind… No! No, he didn't want to. Besides, she was still in love with Gin, right? Stupid, traitorous Gin, who had hurt her so badly. He would never have hurt her like that. He would never give her cause to worry about him…

But she wasn't in love with him. She was in love with Gin. He was being stupid now.

It must be the alcohol.

"So, are you going to let me help you put on the thong now?" Rangiku asked hopefully, fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"I'm ashamed of you, Rangiku Matsumoto," Shūhei told her. "Attempting to take advantage of someone like that. And if you think one drink of sake will get me drunk, you are sorely mistaken. You should know me better than that." Rangiku pouted.

"Humour me?" She asked. "And you're a lightweight compared to me, Shū." He glared.

"I could drink you under the table," he disagreed. Rangiku folded her arms – did she do it in a way that enhanced her assets unconsciously? – and glared at him.

"You would be under the table while I was still drinking, you mean," she corrected.

"I would not," Shūhei disagreed, snatching the gourd of sake from her. "I could drink twice as much sake as you and still be on my feet." Rangiku produced more alcohol.

"I take your challenge," she told him hotly. "Table. Now. And you will be drunk before I am. And when I prove that, you will put on the thong. In front of me."

"And when I prove you wrong, you will tell me how you manage to keep your shihakusho on when you fight," Shūhei retorted.

"Deal," Rangiku agreed, sitting at the nearby table and slamming her bottle of sake down to emphasise it.

"Deal," Shūhei repeated, sitting opposite him. The part of his brain that had been largely ignored since Rangiku appeared was telling him that:

a) He had work to do, and didn't have the time for this.

b) Rangiku Matsumoto could out-drink Shunsui Kyoraku.

c) He could not outdrink aforementioned Captain.

d) This meant he could not out-drink Rangiku.

e) That meant he would lose, and therefore put on the string-thing.

f) By extension, he was going to end up stripping naked in front of Rangiku and a camera, probably when highly drunk, and that if he knew her the pictures would end up in the archives of the Soul Reaper Women's Association by the end of the day.

However, the part of his brain that told him that his manly pride had been insulted overruled and repressed all of this, so he ended up drinking on three with Rangiku. Several times.

Unfortunately for him, the reasoning his brain had been providing for a good half an hour only kicked in when he realised that he was highly drunk, Rangiku was only in the tipsy stage and she looked even better with sake to help the eyes…

"One… Two… Three!" She counted, and they both knocked back another helping of sake. Any chance of getting any work done had gone completely out of the window. He was so totally screwed. Come tomorrow, he would still be missing one report from Rangiku, probably have a massive hangover, or at least a headache, and a huge pile of work which he would not be inclined to do at the time.

Screwed. Totally, completely screwed.

"Shūhei Hisagi… You are drunk," Rangiku declared, pointing with surprising accuracy at him.

"Am not," he replied, going for short sentences since it was harder to misplace the words. "Totally sober." Rangiku raised an eyebrow. Shūhei found himself pondering how beautiful she looked when doing that. Gin was a… Was a pig, like she always said, leaving her like that. No respect. "Am!" He argued.

"Say something involving six or more words," she demanded. Shūhei frowned.

"I am totally not drunk," he replied, then paused. "…Totally," he added lamely. Rangiku laughed.

"Do you want to continue?" She offered, leaning over to pour him another shot of sake. Shūhei told himself sternly not to stare, but no longer had the willpower to look at the wall instead. She was doing it on purpose. She always did it on purpose, to get what she wanted. Rangiku always got what she wanted. "You can count this time," she offered sweetly, leaning forward slightly and regarding her dish almost absently. Shūhei willed his brain to concentrate on numbers. Numbers.

"One… Thr- two… Three!" He managed. That was close. He could tell from her slight smirk that she had noticed his slip, but they both drank, anyway. Where did she get her sake from? Did she steal from Captain Kyoraku? Was it never-ending?

"Drunk," she told him idly.

"Not," he retorted.

"Are."

"Am not!"

"So are."

"I am not drunk!" Shūhei was dimly aware that he sounded like a petulant child. He needed to stop drinking, that would be a start, and maybe leave the room…

"You're so sober."

"Am not!" He responded instantly, before groaning and slamming his head down onto the table, then groaning again at the pain. She had not just got him with that trick. No way.

"I win! You admit it!" She declared.

"I'm under table not the yet!" He replied hotly, not taking the necessary time to consider his words.

"You may as well be," Rangiku remarked with a giggle. Shūhei was momentarily disarmed by that, then shook his head to clear it.

"I… Am not… Under the… Table yet!" He reiterated, getting the words the right way around this time. Rangiku laughed.

"Stand up," she offered. Shūhei considered that.

"…You stand up," he retorted. Rangiku stood up, only slightly unsteady on her feet, and looked at him pointedly. Defeated, Shūhei attempted to stand up, lost his footing once he took his hand away from the table, and went crashing to the floor, ending up in a rather unimposing heap on the floorboards.

"You, my friend, are officially under the table," Rangiku declared, a grin spreading across her face. "Looks like I win." Shūhei made a pained noise, using the table to clamber back to his feet and not letting go that time.

"…You only had water! You must… Have been cheating!" He accused, pointing a finger at where he hazarded her head to be, but was actually just above her right shoulder. "I should've won…" He was aware that his arguments were both pathetic, and not entirely grounded in reality. He was living in Cloud Cuckoo Land.

…He really didn't want to have to strip in front of Rangiku when he was only a little bit drunk… He'd probably remember every mortifying moment of it… She'd have pictorial evidence of every mortifying minute of it… Oh Gods, Yachiru was the Chairwoman of the SWA… She wouldn't seriously show pictures like that to Lieutenant Yachiru, would she? Would she?!

"You lose," Rangiku informed him bluntly, dangling the small collection of strings from one finger. It was stupidly, unimaginably sexy in the extremely drunk Shūhei's eyes to watch her doing that. He sternly repeated to himself that she was in love with Gin. What the hell chance did he have against the ex-Captain who'd saved her life? And betrayed her, admittedly, but also saved her life, and had known her since she was a child. He'd seen the look on her face when he left. The devastation, the betrayal written in her eyes. Gin had seen that. He had watched that. He had done that to her. How could he do that to her?

"…Can we… Talk… About this?" He asked, somewhat helplessly. Rangiku smirked.

"If the talking is me telling you how to put it on, then yes," she agreed, before casting an appraising eye over him. He kind of liked that – she was taken. "Although by the looks of you, I think I might have to do a bit more than talk…" She decided.

"I can…" Shūhei started, before trailing off. What was that word, that meant to remove clothes? It was completely evading him. Un… Un… Robe? No, that wasn't the one…

"Undress?" Rangiku offered.

"Yes! I can undress myself," Shūhei seized on the word happily. "…I knew that… Whole time…" He added, rather lamely. Rangiku moved forwards and grabbed the edges of his shihakusho with both hands.

"Do you want to?" She asked in a low whisper. Shūhei had a hard time remembering how to breathe. Did your chest have to move to breathe?

"…Not really?" He squeaked. She was taken she was TAKEN. He was such an idiot. She just wanted better pictures. She was probably going to put them on a calendar to raise money for the SWA. She was probably playing him for a fool… Taking advantage of his drunkenness… Which he had let her do… He was something of a fool, but still…

"Didn't think so," she remarked, knocking his hand from the table. He went crashing to the floor once more, although Rangiku followed him down this time. Her hands pushed the uniform a little more open, then she kissed him. He made a surprised noise, and her hands tightened on his uniform, bunching it up in her hands. She looked down, and Shūhei felt tears hit the bare skin of his chest.

"Please, Shūhei," she whispered. "Please…"

"I thought… Captain Ichimaru…" He sputtered, making her grip tighten. Even through the alcohol, he knew that was the wrong thing to have said. He had promised himself he would never hurt her… But he had made her cry!

"I just…" She managed, loosening her grip slightly. "I never… Not Gin… Just… Just…" Shūhei, through a combination of willpower and good motor skills to compensate for alcohol consumption, managed to bring a hand up to her face without smacking her by accident.

"Ran," he murmured, "don't cry. Please don't cry." She squeezed her eyes shut.

"I'm not crying," she muttered. "Certainly not over stupid Gin…" Shūhei squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

"Don't think… about him," he told her, taking his time so he didn't jumble up his sentences and screw things up even more, although that was more Rangiku's fault than his. "If you… Want me… You just… Have to say. I've kinda… Always been yours, you know? And I thought… Rangiku Mas… Massu… Ah…" He shook his head. As if he couldn't manage her last name! Damned sake. "I thought you always got your way," he finished weakly. She laughed.

"I do," she replied, nodding. "…I do." She kissed him again, almost desperately. Shūhei was now totally certain that the alcohol was doing things to him. There was no way this could be happening to him. Not a chance. She was… She was just doing it to get him in the string-thing-thong-whatever, right? Right? She wasn't seriously, like… Claiming to like him, in that way, was she? She was just doing this to get pictures… Right?

He was seriously hoping she'd put in some handily placed items of furniture via the computers if it was just for photographs…

He was seriously hoping he would remember all this in the morning…

The sun was painfully bright the next morning, and also had the nerve to angle its light exactly through the single gap in the curtains, at exactly the right angle to shine directly into his eyes, in a way that exacerbated what was clearly going to be a hangover to remember.

"Uhnfwst?" He managed; an extremely coherent sentence. He shielded his eyes against the sun and scoured his alcohol-abused mind for some details of what had taken place the previous day. Since it had been before noon when he had talked to Rangiku, it would have been a rather long day… What he could remember was making him wince. He ran a hand across his chest nervously… Yes, yes she had got him into the thong and he was still wearing it… and nothing else… Oh, he seriously hoped that wasn't Captain Ukitake' Koi Pond he was remembering… Or even worse, Lord Kuchiki's… Yes, yes, there was Lord Kuchiki's pond ornament they were standing on… Oh dear… There was no way Lord Kuchiki had seen, though, since he was in one piece… Oh… Oh dear… He hadn't seriously gone anywhere near Division 11's HQ, had he? He really, really hoped he hadn't… More sake… Some more sake… Making faces at Division 12's surveillance equipment… A bit more sake… At least they hadn't gone out into the Rukongai… He hoped… He blinked. Where exactly was he?

A warm hand trailed across his chest, making him jump, then wince as his head protested.

"…Rangiku?" He murmured, glancing over. She smiled blearily at him.

"Do you have a headache, too?" She asked.

"…Yes. Yes, I do," he agreed. The thought of immanent work hit him and made him groan aloud.

"…Remembering Lord Kuchiki's Koi pond?" She asked with a grimace. He groaned again.

"I am now," he replied with a sigh. "…And also desperately trying to remember how we got here… And where here is…" Rangiku glanced around.

"…Looks like the room behind my Captain's office," she decided, sitting up. Shūhei covered his eyes when he realised she wasn't actually wearing anything besides a bedsheet, and she hit him lightly around the back of the head. He groaned again.

"Hangover, Ran… Hangover," he complained.

"Can't you remember anything else?" She asked, sounding somewhat disappointed.

"…Drinking… Lord Kuchiki's Koi Pond… More drinking… regrettable things outside of Division 11… A bit more drink… dubious things to security cameras… Everything else is a blank…" He replied, giving it another careful consideration. Rangiku sighed softly.

"Oh…" She murmured. "Well… Never mind…" There was a knock on the door.

"Rangiku Matsumoto, if you are still in there in five minutes, I swear I am going to break down the door!" The rather irked voice of Captain Hitsugaya called. "I want my room back!"

"Make that ten, I have a hangover," Rangiku replied at a volume that made Shūhei wince. There came a frustrated sigh from the other side of the door.

"Again…" Hitsugaya was heard to mutter, then the sound of a small person's footsteps storming away irritably could be heard.

"Think fast: Do you have any clothes?" Rangiku asked Shūhei. The Soul Reaper glanced around the room.

"…No," he responded levelly. "Do I have any reputation?"

"Ditto," she replied with a grimace. "I wonder if I took any pictures…"

"Rangiku," Shūhei started, a slight growl to his voice. She beamed angelically.

"You can have the sheet," she told him brightly, thrusting it onto him. Shūhei hid his face in it to avoid staring as she wandered around the room looking for her clothes. He had spent the night with Rangiku. She currently had no clothes on. He did, if the thong counted, but that probably meant very little. He could recall quite a lot of drunk kissing, and searching his memory exhaustively managed to dreg up something of the situation that had started it all. Rangiku wanted him. Rangiku loved him. She wasn't taken by Gin.

Rangiku wanted him.

The sheer shock of that revelation hit him so hard that he fainted, hitting the floorboards with a thunk. Rangiku looked over in surprise.

"…Rats," she muttered.

"Rangiku! What have you got in there?!" Hitsugaya demanded.

"Nothing!" Rangiku replied swiftly.

When Shūhei eventually slunk into the office, somewhat mournfully and even more hungover than before – hitting his head on the floor hadn't helped – there was a moment of silence, then people were suddenly very busy.

"Shūhei!" Izuru called, going over and looking rather relieved. "…You're still alive… Are you still in one piece?" Shūhei frowned.

"…Why are you asking that, what did I do, is it something that will haunt me for the rest of my life?" He asked, his spirits falling. Izuru bit his lip.

"Well… You see… Captain Kuchiki was saying something about maybe possibly killing you in the near future?" He admitted. "…Did you seriously draw on the statue in his pond?"

"…Probably," Shūhei agreed with a weary sigh. "Damned Rangiku… She should've known that getting me drunk for dark purposes would have side-effects…" He ran a hand down his face in frustration. "And she still hasn't done that damned report, either…" Izuru patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. "…I'm so screwed…" He decided. "Completely screwed… With no help of salvation…"

"If it helps," Izuru offered, "Captain Zaraki might be helping Captain Kuchiki ensure that you won't have much time left to regret what you did last night."

Shūhei's head hit the wall with a groan.

A/N - I'm sorry it's so long! It took me a while to write, too, because my hyphen key doesn't seem to be functioning correctly (grr). I have to really SLAM my finger down to get one.

And no, there will not be a sequel. I don't think my brain could quite cope with that.

And as for Shuu's obsession with the word "screwed"... Watch the omake. That's all I can say.