This is poking fun at the Twilight books. This is wincest. By poking fun, I mean cruelly bashing, and by wincest, I of course mean Sam and Dean and in luvv. I apologize in advance.

Bella Swan looked up briefly from Pride and Prejudiced, which, really, she could afford, seeing as how this was her fiftieth time reading it this week.

The diner's bell tinkled quietly, and two young men entered. Bella sniffed, unimpressed. One was tall, floppy hair, dimpled smile. Lots of wrinkles though, lines of worry around his eyes, forehead marked up with loss and horror. The man next to him looked older. He was rough around the edges-- passable, she supposed, by most human standards. Bella peaked at their ketchup stained clothing, because no way could that be blood, and rolled her eyes.

God, you think guys would dress up for a lady. Edward certainly did. Not that these guys likely had clothes to dress up in. They looked so shabby. Not sparing the two another thought, Bella returned to her reading, sighing deeply as her mind drifted to Edward.

He had gotten her a car yesterday, right after ripping out the motor on her old one. Yummy, he looked especially Adonis-like with the whole, Imma Beat You, Bitch! Look. He wasn't really abusive though, she chided herself. He just loved her a whole lot.

Oh, and she and Alice had a sleepover planned for the next night. That was awesome, really, since she didn't get out much otherwise. Bella just found ordinary folks so dull these days. Any time spent without sparkling/and or shape shifting mythical beings was time wasted.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

The tall man from earlier was peering at Bella with big, caring eyes.

"Yes?" Bella replied, mildly irritated.

"Would you mind if we asked you a few questions?"

Bella's eyes narrowed, "Actually, I'm sort of reading right now, so if you could just—"

"We're with the US Wildlife service."

The other one was already sliding into the booth across from her, grinning in what she supposed was a melt worthy smile. Not that her heart ever wavered from Edward.

"Really, this'll only take a minute. We'd like to ask you about some of the animals around here."

The one with dark hair smiled, too, showing a full set of perfectly white teeth. Bella frowned.

"I guess that'll be okay."

"Isabella, right?" The one with dark hair asked.

Bella let out a little huff of air. "I prefer Bella, actually." She corrected. The two shared a look.

"Sorry, Sweetheart, Sammy here must 'a heard wrong. Now, about those animals—"

Bella frowned. The short one was rude. Really, really rude. Like, sexism much? Bella thought so.

"Do you mind if Sammy asks me instead? He seems much more sensitive to feminist rights."

The short one's mouth twisted into an ugly sneer. Sammy seemed to be choking back a laugh. "I'm the only one allowed to call him Sammy."

They looked at each other again, heat flashing, words toofast seriously, Dean, let it go. "Er, yeah. I'm Sam."

Bella blinked. Blinked again. Well, okaaay. This was all really starting to hurt her brain a little. Sam smiled kindly at her, and Bella felt a little of the heavy on her head lift. Now, Bella the voice in her head said does this Dean character really have any right to intimidate you? Holy crow, no he does not!

"You can ask me the questions now, Sammy."

Sam's fingers flickered across Dean's hand on the table, before settling back in his lap. Huh? "Have you seen any strange animals in the woods recently?" Sam asked.

"Not really." Bella lied.

"Any animal bodies? Large wolves? Spar-" Sam stopped for a second. The two of them were doing that looking thing again. Sam's eyes had turned pleading, sugar sweet. He licked his lips, nice and slow. Bella blushed furiously.

Dean cleared his throat. "Animal bodies?"

"Um, no."

"Large wolves?"

"Never."

"Spar—glitt—shimmer—ah, fuck it. Sparkly men?"

Bella's eyes went wide. Oh, shoot! Were they talking about Edward?

"Sparkly men?" Bella asked with a fairly pathetic laugh. Dean nodded with forced patience.

"Yeah. You know, glittery, gay."

Bella felt her face heat up again, for an entirely different reason. "My Edward is certainly not a—a—a--homosexual!"

The two's eyebrows shot up at the same time, before their face returned to neutral.

"Your Edward, Bella?" Sam was asking the questions again. Good, that made this thinking thing easier.

"Yes. My Edward. He's my soul mate, I guess, if that doesn't sound completely cliché. We're like Romeo and Juliet, you know."

"That's really interesting, Bella." Sam smiled sweetly. "You think you could tell us how to find your Edward?"

"Why?"

"To ask him some questions, just like you."

Bella beamed up at Sam. "That is so nice of you to include him, Sammy. I mean, seeing as how usually the guys who are in love with me are not too friendly with him. Let me give you his address."

Dean looked that way again, before Sam leaned in to whisper in his ear. Then he looked much, much better.

"Here you go." Bella said, giving Sam the piece of paper. "Tell him I am waiting for him."

Sam nodded distractedly, as Dean's arm moved below the table. Bella cleared her throat. Could they stay focused on her for one second?

"Oh, right. Thanks, Bella."

Bella nodded, trying to look at sweet as possible. "Sure, Sammy. It was really nice meeting you. We should get to know each other later. I mean, I already feel close to you."

"Bitch, if you want to keep on breathing, back the fuck off."

Bella gaped as Dean dragged a sheepish Sam out of the restaurant. It was only when they were out of sight that she curled into a little ball and cried, honestly, she was just being friendly.

It was several hours later that Bella had finally dried her eyes, and made her way to the Cullen's mansion. She could really use some snuggling right now.

Bella frowned as she pulled into the long drive-way, smoking billowing toward the car. Maybe Edward had tried to cook her a meal? How sweet, and completely unnecessary.

But, no. Bella realized as she pulled closer. It was a fire. Oh my gosh!

The flames flew high over the Cullen's home, joyful little kites of red and orange dancing through the gray clouds. Where were Alice and Jasper and Emmett to reassure her everything was alright? Where was Edward?

Bella stumbled out of her car, hurrying toward the burning building. At the front door, Bella could make out an expensive-looking sweater through the smoke. Oh, God, and a pile of rich, reddish-brown, perfectly styled, slightly messy hair.

Bella screamed.

Then she saw the Impala. Sleek, black, very old. Nothing that the Cullen's had ever owned. Telling herself to be brave, Bella turned to face her love's murderers. She tapped on the window.

Someone moaned from the backseat.

"Sonuvabitch."

But that sounded like…

Sammy rolled down the window, shirtless, flushed, with Dean tucked into his lap. They couldn't.

"You killed Edward!" She screeched, eyes filling with tears. Her lower lip trembled dangerously. Dean looked extremely put out.

"Yeah, yeah. Prob'ly saved your soul, too, but no thanks needed."

Bella opened her mouth to yell again, before Sam cut her off.

"Go home, Bella."

The window closed. They drove away. They left her!

Well, that was motherfucking it! Her boyfriend was dead! Her entire social life was going up in flames! And choice number two on her boy's list was fucking a dick head.

With a wild scream, Bella Swan hurled herself into the fire. She burned very slowly, in agonizing pain. Some say they heard her wailing from across the country, but that's just a rumor.

Some say there was even a cursed book published about her adventures. Here's hoping that's one, too.

THE END.

That ending fails. Fails at all things except existing. And I fail for allowing it. But it's late, this was written on a whim, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna deal with uncooperative endings. R&R