I Screamed For You

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I'm closer to where I started

I'm chasing after you…

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

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Chapter One: Darkest Forest I've Ever Seen

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This is my new Fan fiction. I gave up on the other one. I just couldn't find the inspiration to write it… sorry if I'm disappointing anyone. I'm sticking by my Jacob thing though… I love Jacob Black, and if you don't, don't read this. I got a lot of mean reviews on Howl, and I mean… that's fucked up. People need to grow up, people write, its self expression, and if you don't like it. Keep it to yourself. So I mean. Just. If you don't like it… I don't really care… sorry but I don't.

I don't know if anyone will like this one… it's a lot different than the others I've written… I mean... it's a bit depressing… it has cutting in it… and suicide… so if you aren't into that kind of thing… don't read this… but I think maybe a few people will like it… idk though… trial and error…

This takes place as soon as Jacob says the whole "and Leave Jacob Black behind me" thing

I ran through the woods. It was silent but I knew it wouldn't be for very long. She made her choice. I don't know why I ever tricked myself into believing that she would ever want me. Every limb in my body ached. It felt different in this body. It was more of a physical pain. Every muscle in me ached. I wanted to forget her. But I was scared to. I needed to… but I couldn't… I had to have that hope. In order to have a reason to live. Though I never had a reason as soon as that bloodsucker came back, I should have known that she would forgive his sorry ass… anger felt more raw in this shape. I could feel my head pulsing. I couldn't think. Not about anything but Bella. I realized I was slowing down. Then I was at a dead stop in the middle of nowhere. It didn't matter where I was… my wolf body was tremoring; it wasn't a feeling I was used to. I shook directly into my human form this wasn't something I wanted to deal with in my human form. I was on the ground, tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was hyperventilating through all the sobs that ripped from my chest. This hurt. This must be heart break.

When the sobs stopped I just laid in the dirt tears streaming down my cheeks thinking about all the good times. I hoped when she was a monster that she still remembered me 300 years from now, because I would always remember her. No matter how long I lived I would always remember her mahogany hair, her chocolate brown eyes. The perfect curve to her lips, the softness of her skin. All of it. I would never forget her. And I would never try. She would be the memory of the girl I fell in love with, and now that I knew I wouldn't ever see her again I was falling even more in love with her. I choked a little on a sob and tried to think about something else. But she invaded me again. I could just lay here forever. Never moving. Stop breathing. Nothing mattered at this moment.

As I ran through the woods I thought of mostly depressing things. Things that didn't matter things I'd lost, things I wanted, things I missed, and mostly everything had to do with Bella. Her name sent an odd shiver down my spine. I was home now I could smell it. I don't know why I came back, but I did, I didn't want my father to see me suffer like this, I didn't want my pack brothers to see this, I didn't want anyone to see this. No one but me needed to. I phased. I knew no one was home. And walked to the tiny fading red house. I could smell the light airy scent of Bella she had been here recently, of course she had, she was looking for me. Everyone was, I had learned to successfully only think the things I wanted the pack to know, so not even they knew where I was. I walked in. everything was the same other than there was a small piece of paper on the refrigerator, "Have You Seen This Boy?" this was obviously Charlie's idea everyone knew no one would "see this 'boy'" I crumpled it in my hand and threw it in the garbage. I walked into the bathroom shutting the door behind me and leaning against the wall. Bella grazed my thoughts again. I couldn't go more than 2 minutes without thinking about her. The silence had become home. So it was weird to hear people talking on the beach and cars. I liked the silence. It was easier for me to think. And right now all I wanted, Was to wallow. I played me kissing her in the field before the fight. That's the last memory I had that was worth anything. I looked at my chest it was full of scratches and gashes from running through the woods. Apparently when you're not happy you don't heal to fast. I looked through the medicine cabinet, looking for something but not sure what I was looking for yet. Then I saw it. It caught my eye with a slight glitter. It took my breath away. It was exactly what I seemed to be aching for. My breathing kicked up a notch. I grabbed the tiny razorblade and held it in my hand. The light glittered off its edge subtly. It was sharp. Very sharp. This was something I had never done in my life I had never cut myself or thought about suicide. But right now my body was aching for that tiny silver object. I took it in my other hand and pressed it against my wrist, I knew it wouldn't heal right now, so I pressed down, I felt it cut through a few layers of skin and pulled it across my wrist. Blood spilled out onto the tile I dropped the blade in the sink and held my bleeding arm over the sink. It felt like a relief to do. I felt better, but worse at the same time. I picked up the razorblade and cut myself 4 more times, blood spilled evenly into the sink. I just watched and prayed It would take away some of my pain with it…

I lay in my bed running my fingers over the gashes on my arm it had bled for a long time, but now I could think more clearly. I could think about other things other than the pain and the pain didn't seem like it was as bad. It hurt. And I found tears dripping onto the sheets often. But not nearly as bad as it was. I could hear a familiar sound suddenly. It was my dad's wheels against the street. I contemplated whether to jump out the window and pretend I was never here, but I figured all the blood in the bathroom would scare him. I ran the tips of my fingers lightly over the gashes. I didn't wanna move from this position anyways. The door opened. No human ear would pick it up but I did. Of course I would. I moved my legs further out so they were almost dangling over the bed and rested my hands behind my head. I could hear him wheeling towards the bathroom, I decided to just let him figure out I'm here. Instead of telling him. I heard the door shut and then an audible gasp

"Jake??" I heard him call

"Yep, I'm home dad…" I muttered barley loud enough for him to hear me.

"When did you get home?"

"Hour ago… maybe two."

"Come clean up all this blood." I smiled to myself and stood up and walked into the bathroom there was blood all over the floor, all over the sink all over the tub and a bit on the counter. I grabbed a washcloth and wet it

"So where did you go Jake?"

"Running…" I muttered

"For 2 weeks?"

"Yep."

I wiped it off the counter and then I saw the razorblade sitting on the counter, I could have sworn I put that in my room. I couldn't pick it up if I didn't expect Billy to say something. I kept wiping

"Where did you go?"

"Everywhere…" I wasn't in the mood to talk about it… and apparently he didn't get it.

"Bella's looking for you." I snarled. It was an unexpected sound.

"Whoa Jake… a little touchy?"

I rolled my eyes and got on my knees wiping up the blood on the floor

"What's all the blood from anyways?" Billy finally asked the million dollar question. I sighed and kept cleaning. I didn't want to talk. I had made it for 2 weeks without talking. I think I could make it now. Maybe I should have jumped out the window when I had the chance.

"Jacob?"

"Huh?" I mumbled as I stood up and rung out the rag

"What's all the blood from."

"People bleed." I answered simply

"Well Jake… you're not 'people' you aren't human." I growled. I was human enough. I would have been better for Bella, not that disgusting parasite. I growled deep in my chest again

"Wow you're really grumpy."

"You would be too." I said quietly as I started rinsing out the sink

"What happened to your chest?" He asked. Ooh great… now he's realizing I'm not healing

"You run. You run over bushes." I moved to face to tub and started scrubbing. In a sudden movement his hand was around my wrist pulling it towards him. I pulled it away easily

"What happened to you Jacob?"

"Nothing HAPPENED." I was starting to shake.

"What's this?" I knew without even having to turn around that he was holding the razorblade. My personal savior The Thought was weird to think… but that's what I had now… a blade… nothing else would matter to me… except what I could never have…

"Well. It's a razorblade, some people use them to shave their face, some use them to cut designs into paper, and some of them use them to cut away their pain. Those few people are usually a little on the odd side, but that's okay, because I mean… no one wants their heart broken… huh?" I surprised myself with the amount of words.

"Cut away their pain… Jake don't tell me…."

"Yeah dad, I slit my wrist… 7 times…" I held up my arm

"Jake…"

"Don't 'Jake' me old man. Ooh and tell Bella when you see her I send my love." I said as I walked out of the room I was out the door in the matter of seconds. I didn't know how mad my dad was. But I didn't really care. It didn't really matter. Nothing mattered now. It all stopped the second I touched that razor to my skin.

My Personal Savior….

My Personal Sun…