A/N: I totally dedicate this entire fanfic to Kellan Lutz. Only because I and AllApologies451994 thought it'd be fun to make Kellan read a story that I dedicated to him =]

EmPOV

As I sneaked in through the front door, I looked down to see if Kellan was still in place. I smiled as I saw he hadn't moved, and I ran quietly upstairs into my room. I was glad to see that no one had come to see what I was up to. Knowing Edward and Alice, everyone probably already knew. I carefully placed Kellan on my pillow as I gathered sheets and a few of Rosalie's pillows to make a bed for Kellan. It didn't take long and soon enough, Kellan was fast asleep. I had to hide him in case someone killed him. Alice walked in while I was looking for a hiding spot. I immediately put Kellan behind my back. "Emmett... Why are you carrying a giant pretzel around in blankets and one of Rosalie's pillows...?" Alice said, looking at me suspiciously. "OH MY GOD! JASPER!" I yelled, at a feeble attempt to distract Alice. Luckily it worked. I jumped out of the window to the ground and ran into the woods until I reached the little dugout Edward and I had made when we first moved to forks.

I was trying to resettle down Kellan when Bella jumped in the dugout with Kellan Junior, her pet rock. I smiled at her, as we both tried to settle down Kellan and Kellan Jr. She started singing them a lullaby and I recalled the events that had occurred during the day. It all started when Bella and I went shopping. We went past the Pretzel shop and I saw THE most adorable pretzel in all of the land and I bought him. The next shop we passed was a rock shop and Bella saw an adorable big rock and she bought him. We were thinking about names when we saw the poster for some movie called Stick It! Which gave us the idea to name our pets after one of the actors called Kellan. Since we got mine first, he was just called Kellan, but we had to call Bella's, Kellan Jr. So we wouldn't get confused.

We had only just finished putting the kids to sleep when little Nessie came down to the dugout. She was holding her little teddy bear I'd gotten her for Christmas. She had called her, Ashley. "Mommy! Has Kellan Jr. Gone to sleep yet?" Nessie whispered in her sweet apple pie like voice. "Both of them have just settled down, sweetie, did you want to sing them a lullaby?" Bella replied quietly, climbing out of the dugout and picked up Nessie. "No, it's alright mommy. I'll sing to them tomorrow night. I'm too tired to sing for them now." Nessie replied as she nestled her head into her mother's adoring arms. Bella walked away with the almost asleep Nessie in her arms to go put her to bed. I was minding over little Kellan and Kellan Jr. When jaspers new puppy, Marlow, came running over. I shrieked when he went to go eat my little Kellan. Jasper and Alice came running over, apologizing like crazy while taking Marlow back into the house. I really didn't like that dog.

Bella came back about 10 minutes after she left to put Nessie into bed. We were just casually talking while looking after our other kids when a giant ship appeared in the river just a bit further down from our dugout. I looked curiously at the giant ship as it came to a halt and a small girl, around Alice's height jumped off the ship in some real fancy looking pirate clothes. "CRUE!" she shouted at the top of her lungs as a taller looking girl and a scrawny looking boy scrambled off the ship. They looked almost like hobos in their rags. Alice was going to have fun with them. The three people, around children/teenage age group, advanced forward in a triangle formation. Bella and I sunk further and further into the dugout, grabbing Kellan and Kellan Jr. as we shrunk into the shadows of the dugout hoping to not be seen. They marched forward, straight past the dugout, towards the house. We breathed a sigh of relief when they were almost at the house.

About 5 minutes had passed since the three kids had walked past us when we heard screaming from inside the house. The scream was so loud and piercing, I knew from an instant that it was Rosalie. As I turned to go in and help her, a worried looking Nessie came running down to the dugout where Bella and I were hiding. Nessie scrambled into the dugout and I passed Kellan to her as I ran to save Rose. By the time I reached the house, it was already too late. Rose and Edward were in a heap on the floor, burning to pieces. I heard the three kids pulling Jasper and Alice downstairs with Marlow. I slunk back into the shadows as Alice and jasper walked past me in chains made of duct tape, being pulled by the scrawny looking boy while the taller girl was carrying a few trunks of our things. "Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake!" the smaller girl cried out. "Yes, Captain Octopus Cupcake?!" the taller girl replied in a loud voice. "Do you hear terrible boy band music playing, Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake?" the smaller girl said, eyeing up the taller girl, making Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake tremble. "Yes, Captain. Aye does!" Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake replied, saluting at the Captain. "Secondmate Oyster Muffin!" the Captain screamed at the scrawny boy, making even Alice flinch at her shrill voice. "Yes, Captain Octopus Cupcake?" a quiet, scared voice came from the scrawny looking boy. "GO FIND WHERE THAT TERRIBLE MUSIC IS COMING FROM! PRONTO!" the captain replied. She was a terrible pirate. She didn't even talk like one.

Then I remembered why they could hear boy band music. I had hired the Backstreet Boys to keep Nessie entertained tomorrow and I'd told them they could practice down in our basement. It didn't take Secondmate Oyster Muffin long to find them. He pulled them out of the basement which made the Captain pick up her phone and then started talking pirate into the phone. "AHOY! Ye be Cap'n Jack Sparrow?" She spoke into the phone. There was a pause as she got a reply from the person on the other end. "Jack, I have a bunch of loonies singin' in te' basement of te' land I jus' took over! I'll be needin' ye to make 'em walk te' plank!" She spoke back into the phone. There was a long pause as this Jack Sparrow person replied to the crazy Captain. "I'll be seein' ye very soon then!" and she hung up the phone with an evil grin on her face. I did not like the look on her face.

It wasn't long till a tall man walked in, wearing traditional pirate clothing. He looked like he'd just stepped out of Pirates of the Caribbean when I realized that that was probably why his name was so familiar to me. Jack Sparrow pulled out his sword and placed it against Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcakes neck and said "Ye be makin' these lowlifes a plank now, wouldn't ye?" Thirdmate nodded and quickly assembled a plank out of the window halfway up the first set of stairs. Sparrow looked pleased with himself. He then started to jab the Backstreet Boys in the back up the stairs and made them walk the plank, one by one, making sure each one died after their fall. After they were all gone, Jack grabbed my brother and sister and dragged them out of the house. When the room had cleared, I followed the wanna-be pirates take my brother and sister on board of their ship.

I watched the pirates sail away with my brother and sister. Bella came and joined me and gave me a slight hug and passed Nessie to me. I followed Bella into the house with a sleeping Nessie falling all over me. As soon as Bella saw Edward and Rosalie's remains, she broke down into tears. The front door opened while Bella sobbed softly, and Carlisle and Esme walked in. Esme dropped all of her shopping bags when she saw the ashes. If vampires could faint, I'm sure that's what Carlisle would've done right then. Carlisle was the first to break the silence. "The Blubbermouth Pirates..." he whispered faintly. Bella and I looked up at him as if waiting for more of an explanation. "KELLAN AND KELLAN JR!" Nessie screamed as she scrambled out of my arms and ran past Marlow, Jasper and Alice's vampire dog, and grabbing the giant pretzel and the rock. Bella ran down to the dugout to grab Nessie. As she did, Carlisle turned to me and said, "The Blubbermouth Pirates are the worst pirates ever. The only advantage they have is they know about vampires and how to kill them. Obviously what happened here with Edward and Rosalie. I'm guessing they kidnapped Alice and Jasper?" He cocked his eyebrow at me after the last question. Just as I was about to answer, Bella walked back in. "Emmett, Nessie is going to need a father figure in her life. Will you marry me?" everyone turned to Bella in shock, including me. I thought about what she had asked, while her eyes bore holes into me. It was true that Nessie would probably want a father figure, but it felt a little weird dating my dead brother's wife. "I'll have to think about it Bells. It'd be a little weird right now, but I'd be glad to provide a fatherly figure for her." I responded. She nodded in understandance and walked off to her cottage with Nessie.

It had been at least 2hrs since my brother and wife had passed away. No one had seen or heard from Bella or Nessie since they had slinked off to their cottage. I looked down at my pretzel, Kellan. I had been thinking intensely at the idea of marrying Bella. It all seemed so weird. The next thing we heard was a boat docking at the river. The Blubbermouth Pirates I thought and ran to Bella's cottage to protect her. I was right. As soon as I had left the house, I saw the now 4 pirates coming towards the house with their massacre faces on. I got to Bella just in time to hear the deaths of my mother and father. "Yes," I whispered into Bella's ear as we hid in the depths of Bella's wardrobe with Nessie.

When we thought the coast was clear, we scrambled out of the wardrobe and tiptoed out of the house and saw the boat had left. We saw smoke coming from the kitchen and we knew what had happened. I ran inside and put out the fire in the kitchen, unfortunately, not in time to save my parents, but in enough to save the house from burning down. In less than a minute, I had flipped open two suitcases and filled them with all of my things, and mementos of Rosalie. I closed the lids and slowly walked back down the stairs to see a tired Nessie lying on top of three of her suitcases, with another four around Bella. We carried them out to the car and placed them in Bella's after car. I placed Nessie carefully on the backseat and handed a phone to Bella. She instantly rang Jacob to let him know what had happened and what we were doing. The dog understood and we were on our way down to the border to pick him up.

Jacob ran up to the car as soon as it was about a mile away from the border. He jumped in the car, shuffling Kellan, Kellan Jr. and Nessie around to make everyone comfortable. I slammed my foot on the accelerator and drove as far away from Forks as I could. We made it to the airport, just in time to catch a flight to Alaska. We hopped on the plane and hoped for the best. What worse could go wrong? We'd already lost our parents and siblings in one day so hopefully we might be fine in Alaska, and find a happily ever after.

A/N: I was gonna make this a one shot and have the pirates go on a massacre but I'm having way too much fun with this than I should. Don't ask why I made Emmett have a pretzel called Kellan. There really was no point to this. If you feel there should be more bizarre-ness added to this, please review!

P.S. THIS IS A STORY I WROTE FOR KELLAN =] I hope you likie Kellan, if you read this (obviously) if you did, please reviewwww

Also, The Blubbermouth pirates consists of Me- Captain Octopus Cupcake, Jack Sparrow – Firstmate Jack Sparrow, Austin – Secondmate Oyster Muffin and Milli – Thirdmate Toad Mini Cupcake. I made up all the nicknames and stuff because I was mega hyper and stooof and I thought it was funny at the time. I don't think there is anything else to explain. And I really don't want to explain how the backstreet boys made an appearance in this, okay? Don't question my sanity you.