Getting Love
author: Melby7777
Summary: Zetsu feels lonely after seeing all the other members together. Kakuzu feels bad for him and decides to help him out. Is the miser's advice good enough to help though?
Disclaimer: Akatsuki is owned by Masashi Kishimoto
Note: Requested by my friend, Samurai-Kenshin, over on DA.

Zetsu walked into the living room only to turn and walk back out. Pein and Konan were cuddling together on the couch, and he really didn't need to see that.

For the past month, the dual man has seen at least all of the other members with each other—loving and cuddling with each other—and it has finally broken his hard shell.

Zetsu knew what had happened to him; he's spent an hour talking to himself just days ago to sort out his feelings on the matter. It took him that long, but in the end, both sides of Zetsu's split personality had figured out why his heart ached when he saw the other members happy together.

Zetsu was lonely. Though he did have his other half of the personality, it just wasn't the same as being with another person. He couldn't kiss himself. He couldn't hug himself. He couldn't tell the other personality he loved him (well, he could; it just wasn't that true).

He most certainly couldn't have sex with himself (unless you count masturbation as sex; which you shouldn't).

Zetsu was down right lonely; the only person he could talk to was his other personality, and let's face it—that half of him was evil. No, Zetsu needed a partner. He needed someone else in his life other than himself.

Sighing, the dual man walks out to his garden and stares down at the beautiful flowers that smiled up at him. They couldn't speak to him, but he always found himself talking to them.

But today was different; Zetsu sat down in front of the bed of flowers and just stared at them. Both halves of his personality didn't want to talk with the colorful plants, and neither of them wanted to talk to the other.

Hidan and Kakuzu were walking by just then, having gone for a walk in the town near by. The eldest of the two noticed the unusual quietness of the plant man and stopped to stare at him. Hidan stopped as well when he noticed Kakuzu didn't follow him inside. The albino gave Kakuzu a questioning look, but the miser waved him off to go inside.

When Hidan disappeared into the base, Kakuzu approached Zetsu.

"Is there something wrong, Zetsu…?" He inquired cautiously, earning the attention of the duo toned man.

Zetsu stared up at Kakuzu in slight confusion, seeming blank for a moment before sighing. "I… I'm feeling very… lonely lately."

Kakuzu raised a brow in wonder before sitting down beside his friend. "And why is that?"

Zetsu looked over to the flowers. "Despite the fact I have two personalities, I've gotten lonely seeing everyone else together. I want a companion… someone to hold… someone to…" He paused, a distant look in his golden eyes before both personalities finished together, "Love…"

Kakuzu nodded in understanding. It was silent between the two as they stared at the flower bed.

Zetsu glanced to the miser when an idea occurred to him. "Hey Kakuzu…"

The banker looked at the plant man. "Yeah Zetsu…?"

"Will you go out with me?"

It was silent once more as Kakuzu gaped at him (though Zetsu didn't notice due to his mask). When the miser had regained his composure he sighed. "I'm sorry, but no."

Zetsu groaned as he looked back down sadly.

Kakuzu bit his lip, pity forming in his stomach. "Well… I could give you some advice…"

Zetsu eagerly looked back up at the miser. "REALLY…?!" Kakuzu's right eye twitched a little at the eagerness in Zetsu's voice, but nodded slowly. "Okay…! What's first?"

Kakuzu put his finger to his chin as he thought about it. "Well… it's good to give people cheap gifts… and if that doesn't work out completely, hit on them."

Zetsu nodded and stood up. "Thanks Kakuzu…!"

As he ran off away from the banker, Kakuzu sighed. "Hey, if none of that works come back and I'll give you some more advice!"

Though he was sure Zetsu heard him, the dual man just kept running off until he sunk into the ground. Kakuzu sighed and stood, turning to the door to head into the base.

Hidan slammed the door open, a frustrated look on his face. "ABOUT TIME, ASSHOLE! LET'S FUCK NOW!" Kakuzu sighed as the albino pulled him into the base.

Itachi's eyes scanned the page of his book as he continued reading. He was sitting in the living room, alone in the silence of the room and happily reading to himself. That was when a bloody arm was thrown into his lap. Jumping slightly, the Uchiha looks up at who it was and was surprised to see Zetsu—who wasn't there a second ago—looming over him.

"Uh… can I help you, Zetsu?" He asked as calmly as he could, grabbing the arm and holding it away from him.

Zetsu gave him a confused look for holding his 'gift' as though it were rotting flesh (which it was). "Aren't you going to keep it?"

Itachi stared up at Zetsu for a moment. "You're kidding, right?" When the other man shook his head, the weasel sighed. "I don't know who wanted you to give me this, but I'm not keeping a bloody arm."

"But…" Zetsu began as Itachi stood, holding the arm out to him. "It's a gift…"

Itachi raised an eye brow in question. "Why are you giving me an arm as a gift…?"

Zetsu seemed appalled at this question. "Well if you don't want it—" He yanked the arm out of the Uchiha's hold and stormed off. "I'll just take it back!"

Itachi stood there, staring at the place Zetsu had stood before with his arm still held out. When he finally moved again, he simply walked out of the room scratching his head. "What was that…?"

Zetsu walked into the kitchen, the arm he'd tried to give Itachi slowly digesting in his stomach. He looked around, seeing if anyone was in the kitchen. He smiled when he saw Deidara.

Well, giving someone a cheap gift didn't work, so he supposed hitting on someone could work!

Zetsu walked up to the blonde, who was holding a sandwich to his mouth to take a bite. He stopped and looked over at the dual toned man question. "What's up, un…?"

Deidara yelped in surprised when Zetsu punched him in the shoulder.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR, UN?!" The bombed demanded, standing up from his seat at the counter. Zetsu's eyes widened at him.

"Kakuzu told me to hit you!" He claimed, holding his hands up in defense. Luckily, Kakuzu came walking in looking tired.

Deidara growled and stomped up to the stitched man. "Do you have a problem with me, un?!"

The miser stared at the blonde in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You told Zetsu to hit me, un!" Deidara yelled, glaring up at the taller man. Kakuzu glanced at the plant man in question in sighed.

"Zetsu, I said to hit on someone, as in flirt… not actually hit them." Kakuzu muttered annoyed. Deidara quickly turned to look at him.

Zetsu looked confused, but when the realization of what Kakuzu meant hit him, he nodded in understanding. Deidara walked up to him, looking flustered. "So you were… trying to hit on me, un?" The dual man nodded in reply. "Well… I'm flattered in all, Zetsu, but…" Dei bit his lip, looking away embarrassedly. "I'm kind of already with someone…"

"I understand…" Zetsu said sadly, turning to walk out of the room. Kakuzu glanced at Deidara before hurriedly following after Zetsu.

He finally caught up with the two toned man in the hallway, half way to Zetsu's room. "Hey, it's okay that he said no—there are still others." Kakuzu said, trying to be reassuring. Zetsu nodded solemnly as he looked back up the hall. "Just be straight forward next time like you did with me…"

Just then, the door they stood in front of—Kakuzu and Hidan's—slammed open and Hidan stood there, looking tired and unkempt. Zetsu grinned when he saw him.

"Hey Hidan…"

The albino opened his eyes tiredly when he looked up at the plant man. "What damn it…?"

"Will you go out with me?"

It was silent for a moment, Hidan staring at him with confusion on his face. Kakuzu looked shocked at this, trying to assure himself that Zetsu had NOT just asked Hidan out.

In the five minutes it was silent, Kakuzu had not gotten himself to believe that and Hidan had finally figured out how to respond to that. "You're joking, right?"

"No…" Zetsu said, seeming taken aback.

Kakuzu growled and grabbed the plant man's arm, pulling him to Zetsu's room. Once they were within the room and away from the confused masochist, Kakuzu slammed the door shut. "WHY WOULD YOU ASK HIDAN?!"

Zetsu looked surprised before he sighed. "Let me guess, you two are together…"

Kakuzu calmed down at the sadness in Zetsu's voice. "I'm sorry, Zetsu…"

"No… it seems to make sense… I'll never have a lover…" Zetsu replied, falling back onto his bed. Kakuzu opened his mouth to say something, but found he couldn't. Slowly, he turned and walked out of the room, silently letting Zetsu know he gave up.

Zetsu sighed as he sat down in the living room later that night. Kakuzu had given up on him, and he'd successfully been rejected four times in one day. What more could happen to make him feel even worse?

At that moment, Tobi was happily bouncing into the room, stopping the moment he saw Zetsu moping on the couch. He gasped inwardly, blushing beneath his orange mask. Slowly, he walked over to Zetsu, pulling a folded note out of his pocket.

When he was close enough to earn his attention, Zetsu looked up and stared at the masked man. Tobi gulped and thrust the note into the black and white face. Zetsu stared at it before taking it from Tobi's hands and unfolding it.

He read what it said at least three times before staring up at the swirly mask. Immediately Zetsu stood and tore off Tobi's mask, pulled him into a hug and kissed the hyper man's lips.

And what did that note say?

Zetsu;
Tobi really likes you. Will you go out with Tobi?