Like a Drug

"It's goodbye
But we got one more night
Let's get drunk and drive around"-

The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls

Zetsu didn't know what to hate most about his day. His family, his so called 'friends', or his suitors.

The green-ette dragged a hand down his face. Dear lord did he hate mating. Currently, he was hidden away in Kabuto's office. He had the blinds drawn and the door locked and was using Kisame as a shield lest his carefully made barriers proved useless. Kisame sighed and slumped lower against the door, staring at his brother blankly. A week had passed since Tobi, Haku, Hidan, and Kakuzu began courting him. Only Hidan, Kakuzu, Haku, and Tobi.

--

"Anyone else want to get permission to court?" Orochimaru sang as he held the phone in his hands. He smiled his creepy pedophile smile at all the young men in his office and pressed the office phone to his ear. "No, Pein-Kun! It seems no one else wants to court Zetsu-Kun." His smile widened and he closed his eyes. "Really? I suppose. But…" Flowers burst from behind him as he next spoke, "if it's for Pein-Kun, anything goes~!" Zetsu inched closer to his brother in fear.

Pein and Orochimaru exchanged a few more words and they set a date for something and the principal hung up. He stepped around his desk and sat on the front of his, folding his arms and ankles. "Alright. Itachi-Kun, Deidara-Kun, Sasori-Kun. Is there a specific reason you chose not to court Zetsu-Kun?"

The mentioned blond and red head glanced at each other and, as if on reflex, their fingers laced together. Deidara was the one to answer.

"Well, yeah, un. Don'tcha pay attention, hmm? Danna un and me, we've been courting for months, yeah." Orochimaru grinned and congratulated them, offering them flowers. Deidara took them uncertainly and looked to Sasori who shrugged nonchalantly. Itachi paused in bringing the stick of pocky to his mouth and glared defiantly when everyone aside from Zetsu turned to look at him. Zetsu was inching towards Kabuto, away from Haku's damned all-seeing gaze.

"Me?" Itachi pointed at himself with his stick of pocky. He bit into it when Orochimaru's grin widened. Itachi glanced at the blue skinned teen in the room and finished his stick of pocky. He took another one from the box he held and sighed. "I've to phone someone else about courting, Orochimaru-Sensei."

"Who, who?" Orochimaru begged, offering Itachi the phone. The Uchiha finished off his stick of pocky and handed the box to Kisame. He wiped his hands on his pants and stepped forward, taking the phone. "I love secrets!" chimed in the principal of questionable sexuality. "Share with us, share, share, Itachi-Kun!"

Itachi, much to the shock of everyone but the flower-producing principal, smiled brightly. "who else but Suigetsu-Sama? He has something that I do so dearly desire." He sent a half-smile towards Kisame as he dialed the phone number to Kisame's place of residence.

--

In retrospect, not only was Zetsu hiding but Kisame as well. There was a hesitant knock on the door to the room, jerking Zetsu out of his flashback. Christ he hated flash backs. Usually they meant no good would come of the day. "Fucking people with no fuckin' respect around here!" Black Zetsu complained. White Zetsu rolled his eye. "Oh god, you complain much too often for my liking, Su-Chan." Black responded lazily, "Aw, fuck you, Zet-Kun. Grow a pair, why don'tcha?" Normal Zetsu sighed in a 'what-can-you-do' sort of way, giving Kisame a questioning glance when another hesitant knock rang. Zet, Su, and Zetsu shut up.

"Who's it?" Kisame slurred boredly.

"Erm… Kisame-Kun, Zetsu-Kun? You… Well… Oh, both of you have visitors, it seems." Kabuto sounded scared. "Please come out… Michael's asthma is acting up too, boys, I need his pills and inhaler!"

Kisame glanced at Zetsu whose black side seemed to be attempting to match the white side in pallor. "…They aren't there, are they?" whispered the Hell-Hound hesitantly.

Kabuto's voice was chipper suddenly; a bad sign. "Of course they are! They've not left since you barricaded yourselves in. My. Office." He emphasized on the last three words and his tone turned dark. "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE BOYS!" Kisame scrambled up while Zetsu stood, pulling his pants back on. He was foregoing the shirt because it was the weekend and he found that particular article of clothing completely unnecessary. Kisame flipped on the light and opened the door, slipping out after the Cerberus. Kabuto grinned and seemed back to his sweet nurse self and slipped into his office with a hyperventilating blond demon. The door slammed shut with a click of the lock and the shirtless Cerberus and the sword-less Hell-Hound both made shows of swallowing dramatically. Self-consciously, Zetsu slung his black arm across his stomach, holding his white elbow tensely.

The duo colored boy glanced at his brother then the five adults remaining in the room. He recognized Kakashi, Orochimaru, Minato, and Pein but the final man was a mystery. The teens in the room consisted of his new friends (Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara), Haku, and… He swallowed before a painful looking grin split his face. He practically leapt forward, glomping the pale skinned teen that resembled Itachi slightly.

"Sa-Su-Ke-CHAN~!" he screamed, hugging the teen. Sasuke blushed darkly and grumbled something. "SASUKE-CHAN! I MISSED YOU MOST!!" The clearing of throats had Zetsu releasing his best friend. Ino, Temari, Sakura, Naruto, and Gaara stared at him hard. Zetsu smiled shyly. "Ehm. Well, I did miss you guys, but there's no way I missed you more than SASUKE-CHAN, kay?"

Ino glared. "Not even me?" she flipped her hair in a mock seductive way and laughed at the end.

"Sorry, Ino-Chan, no. Sasuke-Chan I missed the most." Zetsu had somehow managed to wrap his legs around Sasuke's waist from behind and had his arms around the duck ass vampire's neck, his chin on the ebony duck-ass styled locks. The red head of the group cleared his throat and stared into Zetsu's eyes. The green-ette stared back. Sea foam green eyes and cat-like golden eyes stared in a battle of some sort. Zetsu's grin had long since vanished and when it reappeared, the red head flushed and hid his face against the long haired blond boy's shoulder.

"Sorry," Zetsu whined, "I'm irrevocably, undeniably, unconditionally playing favorites towards Sasuke-Chan."

"Ne, ne, Zetsu-San!" Everyone glanced back. "Tobi wants to meet Zetsu-San's friends! Please, please, PLEASE?" Tobi's lone brown eye and his other eye, a blood red with a grey dog-shape in the center, pleaded desperately into Zetsu's eyes. A blush dusted Zetsu's face and he looked away and untangled himself from Sasuke. He nodded slowly and linked his arm with Sasuke's, offering his other hand out to Tobi who took it hesitantly and smiled when Zetsu winked. "Yay! Friends, friends, friends!" sang Tobi. He might've resembled the principal but he didn't grow flowers, his hair didn't flow beautifully in the nonexistent wind, he didn't sparkle, nothing turned pink, and he wasn't a pedophile.

"Um… Well, the red head is Sabaku no Gaara, Demigod hybrid. His mate is Naruto Kitsune, son of, who we believe, Namikaze Minato and Kyuubi no Kitsune but as of now there is no proof. The very gorgeous blond girl in Yamanaka Ino, daughter of Yamanaka Inoichi and Aphrodite. The rosette beside her is Haruno Sakura, parents undetermined as of now but her blood is undergoing tests. The final woman who graces us with her godly," he smiled teasingly at Temari, "is Sabaku no Temari, another Demigod bred with her mother, Sabaku no Momo –an immortal-, and the messanger god Hermes." Temari sighed. "Beside me is my precious Uchiha Sasuke-Chan. Bite him, injure him, harm him in any way, shape or form, and your head will hand from my wall, Shikigami Tobi."

Silence followed. It was an awkward silence, the kind that led up to painful flashbacks for Zetsu. He shuddered and smiled. "Alright, ga…"

"Please, please! Don't hurt him, Kaito! He's done nothing! He didn't mean it! Couldn't you see it was the Black one that talked, not our baby?!"

"Shut the fuck up, Aina! He's a demon, demon, demon!"

"SO ARE YOU!"

"SHUT UP BITCH!"

"DON'T HIT HIM! STOP IT, KAITO!"

"Shut up, you whore. Learn your place. I will hit the fuckin' son of a whore if I wanna. You ain't gonna change that, you fucking bitch. Understand?"

"Don't hurt my baby."

"AM I UNDERSTOOD?!" A pause. "LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING- WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, BOY!?"

"DON'T CUT HIM! KAITO! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

"I'll do what I want. Like this."

"WHAT THE FUCK, YOU JERK?!" A painful pause. "D-don't turn that b-burner on… Wh-what are you… Wh…"

"Hahahahahahhahah! Listen to him scream, Aina! His voice can sure go high, can't it?"

"You're burning his hand! IT'S ON FIRE! KAITO!!"

"-u… Su… ZETSU!" The green-ette blinked blearily, peering around him. When had he fallen? He was on his knees with Tobi and Sasuke on either side, peering at him cautiously. His black hand rose and mussed up his hair. "Zetsu?" Sasuke whispered.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit. Su-Chan, Su-Chan, Su-Chan, whadda we do?" White laughed nervously, the white side's eye widening as a scared smile spread on both sides of Zetsu. "I… I do not know, Zet-Kun… Let me see your hand…" The black hand hovered between the faces and White let out another nervously high-pitched laugh. "It's… Been…" He swallowed. "So long… It's been so long since I 'membered that one, guys. When'd that one happen?" Black blinked and sighed shakily. "Zetsu, go back to sleep. Let Mommy and Daddy take care of this, alright?"

"Zetsu-San?" Tobi whispered, dropping so he could look them in the eyes. The dog in his red eye was contorted into a spinning black whirr of nothing. Zetsu went cross eyed and was shaking himself out of whatever daze he'd been in. He stared down at his hands in shock and horror. His hands turned to fists, shaking terribly.

"Zetsu," Sasuke stated softly but firmly, "what the hell was that?"

Zetsu's voice was hoarse. "I… Thought…" he began. "We got rid of them! We hid the memories a-fucking-way! We got rid of them! I remember locking them in a box; I remember losing the key somewhere! Why… Why… Why?!"

"Zetsu-San," Tobi murmured, tilting Zetsu's chin up so their gazes were even. "Shut your mouth; close your eyes, and breath." Hesitantly, Zetsu closed his eyes. "Alright. Ready? Ready. Breathe with me now. In through your nose, out through your mouth, alright? Ready, ready? In-Out… Good, good. In-Out… In-Out… In-Out… In… Hold for four… Out for four. In, hold for four, out for four… Good, good…"

Orochimaru was nervous. Only Tobi's coaxing Zetsu to breathe –"In. One-two-three-four… Out-two-three-four…"- was echoing in the large office. It was awful. Orochimaru was used to having something to say. Oh, where was Kabuto? The pedophile-for-show principal glanced angrily towards his assistant's office and pouted. He clapped his hands pleasantly together and stood from the arm of the couch.

"Well, I'll get some treats then?" he chirped.

"Sit down, Orochi-Oji," Minato snapped at him.

"How about flowers?" Orochimaru plowed onwards, smiling as flowers burst from behind him. He handed Kakashi, Minato, Pein, and the "Mystery" Man some flowers.

"Thank… You?" Minato said hesitantly. Kakashi smiled at Orochimaru gratefully and the pedophile-for-show bowed his head and blushed, smiling in a pleased way.

"OROCHI-PEDO LIKES KASHI!" Both men in question gave starts and the principal looked up in confusion, his eyes resting on the Cerberus. "Mhmm. I KNEW it." His voice was bitter at the end. "Bastards." He turned his back and judging from Haku's dark blush, Zetsu was pouting.

Zetsu held his arms out and pouted more at Haku who looked flustered. "Hold me!"

Haku pointed at himself. "Pardon? Me?"

"Haku, just hold the fucking cocksuck-"

"Stop swearing," Kakuzu snarled hysterically, glaring indignantly at his brother. Haku stood awkwardly, staring at Zetsu.

As much as he didn't want to, he had to bring light to the situation Zetsu was trying to put himself in. "I truly would love to, Venus, however-"

"So do it, un," Deidara chided. "You should live your life, ne Danna un?"

"Hn," was all Sasori responded with.

"'Tachi, un!" Deidara whined. The teen in question was watching the other Uchiha carefully, slightly in shock.

Deidara shrugged. "Won't you get sick, Venus darling?" Haku asked Zetsu.

"Aw fuck, Fag is right!" Black Zetsu whined. "I do agree with Kakuzu-Kun on the subject: Please refrain from swearing, my dearest Zet-Kun. It makes you sound like a complete and utter dolt. Need I say more?" White Zetsu sounded exasperated and on the verge of hysterics but not quite there yet. Haku sighed and looked away in shame and Zetsu huffed in annoyance.

"Good lord," Zetsu said once Black and White repressed. He pressed a palm to his forehead. Was the world conspiring against him or something? "I'm hungry."

"Er… Sorry?" Kisame said hesitantly. Tobi, however, grinned. He stood and offered Zetsu a bento box. Where the hell did that come from?! Zetsu grinned and thanked him before opening it. Ino sighed and reclined boredly against nothing, watching Zetsu devour the rabbit.

"Why do you only eat rabbits?" Naruto questioned for his first line of the chapter. Everyone, including the Uchiha siblings who had –up until the Kitsune's stupid comment- been having a stare down, turned to face the mate of the Demigod Sabaku incredulously. Even aforementioned Demigod Sabaku male stared at him stupidly. "What?"

Zetsu set the bento box on Orochimaru's desk and wipe his mouth. He tilted his head to the side. "I could always eat babies."

A tense silence filled the air. It was hard to decide who needed stared at more. Naruto for even bringing it up or Zetsu for making that kind of comment.

"Babies," Naruto deadpanned.

"Babies. As in, infant, the recently brought into this world, miniature beings… Babies." Zetsu nodded. He settled his left hand on his left hip while his right hand served to cover the Cerberus on Zetsu's stomach. Under his hand, the odd flecks of colors pulsed and Tobi blinked, the dog in his eye taking shape once more.

"Zetsu-San, when will you return to our room?" he asked blankly.

"What?" Hidan taunted. "Ya gotta problem with him sleeping in my fucking bed?"

"Swearing," Kakuzu chided but he went ignored.

"Well Zetsu-San has a bed for Zetsu-San!" Tobi cried.

"What? Ya think I'm gonna fucking molest him or some other ghetto or shitfaced idea like that?!" Hidan demanded.

"Swearing!"

"… Hidan won't overstep his boundaries. Tobi just thinks Zetsu-San should return to the bed specifically for Zetsu-San."

"Yeah, you're a total pussy, Tobi. You think I'm gonna rape him or do some other stupid shit to 'im!" Hidan accused.

"Watch. Your. Language," Kakuzu hissed hysterically.

"I am not a… What you called me!" Tobi snapped. "And I think no such thing! I am a Shikigami! I have no such impure thoughts about… About… Your kind!"

"Say that again, you asshole!"

"Hidan!" Kakuzu snarled.

"Pardon? Oh, the part about how your kind could never cross my mind like that? Because it is so true."

Orochimaru sighed. It wasn't exactly the kind of conversation he would've hoped for but it was better than the exceedingly awkward silence. Maybe he could do something to get Kakashi to smile at him like that. The thought of Kakashi had Orochimaru blushing pleasantly.

"You fuck-"

"HIDAN JASHIN! Cease and desist with the swearing. Some of us," Kakuzu motioned towards himself, Tobi, the white half of Zetsu, and Gaara, "prefer communicating sans those horrid swear words! They make you sound utterly brain dead and definitely not worthy of courting Zetsu!"

Zetsu sighed. "Kakuzu…"

"Zetsu."

"Thank you, Kakuzu."

"You are welcome, Zetsu."

"Wow," drawled Ino, "you guys have names. Cool." She snorted. "Thanks. I so couldn't have figured that one out on my own. God. Men." She shook her head.

If Zetsu had to chose, he would probably say he hated his so called friends most that day.

--

Sort of a filler, ne? Egads. Ok, so Zetsu's whole 'I could eat babies' line… I just really, really, really wanted him to say that! I dunno why. Um. Yeah, so it totally seems like a filler. Um, DES will be updated Tuesday, sort of as a 'woo, school starts' thing… I'll put more up about school with my next LAD, DES, or KB update… Probably one of the former. Um… Yup…

BONUS: Anyone want to chance a guess at what Hidan and Kakuzu are? I've not yet mentioned but I've dropped some hints. WINNER GETS A ONE-SHOT OF THE NARUTO PAIRING OF THEIR CHOICE!