Eight Days a Week

Chapter 1: Epiphany Toilet—With a Little Magic

Larrythestapler

A/N: Just a series of mini-plots leading to Draco and Hermione's wedding :) I got some of the ideas from Scrubs, because Carla and Turk got married on the finale of the third season, and they played this song (the title). Mostly fluff.

EDIT: Sorry, I felt so anal that I had to re-upload the story xD Hermione's eyes are brown, not blue. Sorry for any inaccuracies to the story! Thank you observant readers!

Disclaimer: I do not own "Eight Days a Week." The Beatles do! I also do not own Harry Potter! And ABC owns Scrubs!

Crack.

The sound resonated in his head over and over again, and with a cringe, he fell into a medium between rage and inconsolable despair.

"Did you just EAT the ring?" Draco asked the ogre-like Slytherin. Crabbe nodded stupidly and Draco let out a sigh of pain. "CRABBE. CRABBE. ARE YOU A BLOODY IDIOT?"

He jumped through hoops to acquire the ring, the beautiful, precious Swasoriski ring. The good, the bad, the horrors; all he had faced, for her. Draco remembered the glitter of the bright jewel on the white band of the ring; its glitter only inferior to Hermione's dreamy deep chocolate eyes. The temperamental male spewed harsh words at his best friend, as he came to the realization that Crabbe ate the basket of muffins on the table. Within one of the muffins, Draco placed the engagement ring, in hopes of a denotable proposal.

Forget the engagement. He was screwed. He eyed the half-eatened bran muffin sadly, but regrouped himself and directed all his hate at Crabbe.

"Why do you show me NOTHING BUT HATE WHEN I SHOW YOU NOTHING BUT LOVE? DID YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET THAT RING????" Draco growled, strangling Crabbe's neck. The inferior Slytherin whimpered as the frustrated blonde stood angrily. "You are going to pay deeply." Draco held up a knife and the fat figure in front of him sobbed, hoping for redemption.

An oblivious Hermione entered the small dorm, and Draco lowered the knife, falsely cooling his temperature in accord. He softened, as he noticed the way her golden locks fell on her perfect shoulders. Her brown eyes greeted him kindly, and a feeling of relaxation overcame him.

"Crabbe. Dray. Professor Dumbledore wants to talk to you about something. He's in the common rooms waiting for you."

"Er, I'll be right down," Draco said, feigning a smile. "Love you."

"I'm sure you do." Hermione smiled, reacting to the quick peck on the lips he gave her.

"Dammit, we're getting that thing out of you! I can't afford another freaking ring." Draco whispered as Hermione left the room.

Draco moped in melancholia, as his bottom touched the cool seat of the golden toilet. Draco loved her, but he could not afford the pricey cost. He was rich, but wealth could not reacquire the Swasoriski ring for her. No; its cost was too high. Draco had searched for what wizards could never dream of finding. In the pureness of his heart, Draco found the courage to obtain the golden ring, only to have it eaten by his EX-best friend.

Disappointment overcame his mind, as the dreamy Head Boy painted the hypothetical look on Hermione's perfect cherubic face. The ring was irreplaceable, and at most he could only retrieve a cheap replacement ring. Tears would well up in her deep brown eyes feeling the coolness of the cheap ring taint her skin. Hypothetically, she frowned upon the disappointing commoner ring he gave her, and a slap of scarlet rejection burned him beforehand.

He rested his elbow on his knee, and an epiphany came to him. A flash of golden light sparkled from the toilet, as it opened the blond's head. That's it!

Plan A:: The Muffins

The eyes of the house elves bulged in horror as the figure approached the kitchen. One of the house-elves, Winky, saw this act of injustice. Her eyes followed the man as he stalked the exterior of the kitchen for old food. She approached it.

"What are you doing, evildoer?" she squeaked. Her eyes shone with defiance as the slick-hair man hid a stash of food in his sack. An irritated Draco Malfoy snapped:

"Shut up, pip squeak. No one shall know." Draco snarled. He made a gesture of intimidation as the house elves scurried off to the interiors of the kitchen.

"NO! EVILDOERRRRR! PREPARE, TO FEEL VERY FOOLISH!!!" Winky screamed as she barged into Draco. Draco, annoyed, idly whispered in a hoarse tone: "Stupefy." The house elf paused midway, and its brilliant chocolate eyes lit up. A sketch of shock overcame her, and Draco quietly left the crime scene.

Walking to the Slytherin dorm rooms, Draco saw Crabbe talking to the Bloody Baron and gestured him to come. Crabbe jogged slowly to Draco, and looked him in the eyes, hoping for forgiveness.

"That thing is getting out of you, dammit. I've just stolen A WHOLE DOZEN of Hogwarts ALL-FIBER muffins. Goyle went crazy with these before, so they should work on you. SEEING THAT SOMEBODY ATE MY ENGAGEMENT RING. I want you to eat all of this crap, like you did with the ring. That thing is coming out of you." Draco whispered, squinting his eyes.

"Kay." The pudgy sidekick complied, and ate all the muffins in the manner of minutes.

"Damn, that was fast. Now let the fiber work its magic. Hang on; I'll let you excrete in private. BUT REMEMBER TO GET THE RING." And from the restroom door, Draco heard several grunting noises, but no cigar. Crabbe walked out, a rosy look of guilt and constipation painted on his face.

"I really hate you, you know that." Draco felt tears burn behind his eyes as a gesture of failure enraptured his body. The ring was priceless, and now it lurched in the bowels of his EX-best friend. Never digesting because of his low fiber diet.

Draco groaned as a feeling in his gut troubled him. He made his way to the Prefects' restroom with a Hot Witch! magazine in his hands. His body could not take it and tears fell down his cheeks as he contemplated upon the pain of the lost ring. The seat of the toilet felt heated and uncomfortable, as Draco slowly eased in to the mental and physical pain.

He leafed through the perverse magazine, raising his eyebrow here and there. He took interest to an article, titled "Accio! Love," and BAM! an idea hit him. The solution was so simple, and Draco rose to pure contentment.

"That's it. The answer is so simple!"

With confidence, the blond boy marched, his chin forward, to the dorm rooms. Crabbe sat in the corner, reading.

"Are you reading?"

"Yeah, Hot! Witch," Crabbe replied with a creepy smile. His eyes remained glued to the skimpily dressed witch on the text's cover.

"Right," the cocky blond replied succinctly. "I've got a plan, and it should work now."

"Huh?" Crabbe looked up from the magazine and saw a flash of magenta light aimed at his face and its caster glowing with confidence.

"Accio Swasoriski ring!" the blonde boy chanted. A sick feeling moved through Crabbe's bowels as he lurched forward in accord. A growl escaped from his stomach, and he opened his mouth to say three words.

"Oh, I need to sh—" Crabbe winced after the charm was cast.

"Remember to wash it," Draco hissed. A feeling of fulfillment overwhelmed him, as watery noises came from behind the door. He winced at the churning sounds, but took solace in the fact that all was well. A shriek of excruciating pain interrupted Draco's reverie. Loud. Painful. Just right. A smirk made its way to Draco Malfoy's face, illustrating the euphoric feeling of satisfaction.

Crabbe came out with a bundle in a zip-locked bag. This time, a scarlet complexion of pain was painted on his face. The pudgy accomplice had tears streaming down his face as he handed Draco the Ziploc bag full of paper napkins and toilet paper.

"This thing is getting steam-cleaned." Draco mumbled as he grabbed the bag from Crabbe. He peered inside the bag and saw a glitter of hope once more.

"Peace at last," Draco mumbled as his bottom perfectly hit the toilet.

A/N: NEXT CHAPTER—THE PROPOSAL!!!! Also, thanks to all my reviewers for "You Dropped Your Books Nerd." Ahhh, I have a writer's block now tho!