"Considerations"

"Gods, I must've hurt him," Padmé sighed, alone in the confines of her bedroom after a very tense and awkward evening with her Jedi protector. She glanced at the door leading to Anakin's adjoining bedroom and saw no light coming from beneath it. He had retreated there shortly after their agreement to keep their relationship platonic.

Padmé sat in front of the antique vanity and stared at herself in the mirror as she removed her headband and undid the braid holding back her naturally-curling hair. Her harshest inner voice accused her of giving Anakin mixed signals throughout their stay on Naboo. She had dressed inappropriately; when he flirted with her, she flirted right back. All this when she knew full well it was not behavior suited for neither a Senator nor a bodyguard. A Jedi, no less.

Yet she never could regard Anakin in the same light as any of the Naboo security forces who had been a constant presence in her life since adolescence. She couldn't even perceive him as a Jedi like Master Obi-Wan or Master Yoda. He had a mysterious effect on her beyond any explanantion. Take their kiss shortly after arriving at the retreat. She could have stopped it before it happened, but she didn't. She got lost in his eyes and enjoyed the gentle touch on her arm and back. It wasn't until she allowed herself a taste of his full, slow-moving lips...

Padmé flushed at the memory. 'Stop it,' she warned herself. But her mind drifted to the picnic on the meadow earlier that day. Perhaps it was the cherry wine they'd been drinking or the equally-intoxicating springtime air, but Padmé couldn't remember the last time she'd let down her guard and reserve to that degree. When they were rolling in the grass together, Padmé gave no thought to the physicality of the moment until she found herself atop Anakin, straddling him. As the both of them were laughing, she felt something pressing against her. For a moment she thought it was perhaps Anakin's lightsaber, but she saw that it was hanging off his belt, not even touching her. Just as she realized what it was, Anakin gently rolled her off of him. If he'd been embarrassed, he never showed it. Not only did she decide not to make anything out of the potentially awkward moment, she'd climbed up on a shaak with Anakin, sat behind him, and held him close as they rode back to the retreat. At the time, she had convinced herself it was to balance herself on the herd animal, but the truth was she loved the feel of his firm body against hers.

She regarded her choice of attire for the evening; was it out of hopes Anakin would seduce her? Or that she would seduce him? She had no doubts at all that if she had acknowledged her own feelings to Anakin, he would be with her now instead of in his separate bedroom. Interestingly enough, it wasn't the thought of sleeping with him that frightened her. It was the basic truth that for neither one of them, physical love would be enough. Anakin's words were abundantly clear...he didn't want her body, he wanted her whole being. Padmé knew she wouldn't want any less in return. She wanted his noble spirit, his natural charm, his warmth, his gallantry, his open heart, his complete and utter devotion. Once given to her, she knew there would be no going back.

'Which is why I had to act, even if it breaks Ani's heart,' she thought. 'Even as it breaks mine.' Mournfully, she glanced at the direction of Anakin's bedroom before changing into her sleepdress and crawling into her bed, alone.