Title: My Past, My Future

Pairing: J.D./Dr Cox. Coxian!

Warnings: Child Abuse, Non Consensual behaviour (refers to said child abuse), Pedophilia (including minor mentions of photography) and generally disturbing themes. Angst abound! At least at first.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Poems are.

Summery: When J.D.'s uncle comes to town, the whole of the hospital is turned on its head. A story about comforting your past, facing your future and learning to trust those who mean the most to you with more than your life. And perhaps learning a thing or two about yourself (and those you thought you knew) along the way.

Authors Note: The second part! See, I told you all I'd get it up eventually. So no leaving me wilted roses *checks doorstep suspiciously*. Also, I've another story coming out soon. Another J.D./Cox. I thought this would be a one time experiment but, apparently, my scrub muse isn't done with me yet *glares*. Anyways, keep an eye out for it: it's called "My Blunder".

No matter my past
The road before me is clear
No matter my sorrows
I have nothing more to fear.
For though the streets been well tread
And my tears have run dry
The horizons behind me
And the sunrise is neigh
I've friends to scout before me
Family at my back
My love at my side
And miles of unmarked track
So take my hand in yours now
We'll endure despite the weather
And no matter what will greet us
We'll face it down together.

Part Two: My Future

It was beyond exhausting to return to the nurse station the next morning and find Dan and Carl waiting for him there.

"I don't what the deal is, little brother," Dan greeted abrasively, "But you're being ridiculous. Uncle Carl flew all this way just to see you and you can't even muster up a decent greeting."

"Hey," J.D. muttered, half-heartedly, "Now fly the hell back. I've work to do."

"No you don't!" Dan insisted, voice far too jubilant, "We're going to talk this out, right here, right now! Carl?"

"John," Carl began, all silk and kindness. J.D. shuddered. "It hurts me, this distance between us. We used to be so close. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to regain that… bond."

The subtext there was all too clear. Right down to the bondage.

"Very nice!" Dan approved, "Don't you think so Carla? Turk?"

Looking caught off guard at being included, they nonetheless nodded.

"Good!" Dan proclaimed, "Now… J.D.?"

J.D. would be damned if he accepted any sort of apology from his remorseless uncle. He was thankfully saved answering by a shrill whistle.

"Kimberly! Come!"

"Oh no he doesn't, Coxie!" Dan rebuked, "He's about to re-bond with his beloved uncle!"

"Make it quick there, Newbie," Dr. Cox ordered, "And don't cry. Lord knows we can't spare the time it would take for you to reapply your makeup."

J.D. flicked his eyes to his mentor, his gaze lingering a second too long on Dr. Cox's too-tight top before he tore them back to his uncle. Whose eyes had suddenly narrowed. Clearly, he'd caught the gesture.

"I don't believe I've had the pleasure," he murmured, "And this is?"

"That's just Dr Cox," Dan explained, "J.D.'s would-be mentor."

"That so?"

"Look, I've work to be doing," J.D. cut in, thoroughly sick of them all. And thinking it was far too early for this. He stormed off before anyone had a chance to call him back.

"I think your uncle's still waiting for that apology," Turk informed him later, "Perhaps just get it over with."

J.D. said nothing, but the stubborn fury in his eyes probably spoke for him.

Of course, it was a big hospital and, no matter how hard he tried, he was bound to be alone for large chunks of the day. And it was really only a matter of time before his uncle caught him alone.

"John."

"Get the hell away from me!" J.D. spat right back, trying to storm past. His uncle grabbed his wrist and held fast, refusing to let him go.

"I saw the way you looked at him John," he whispered, eyes glinting, "You desire him, don't you?"

"Who I desire is none of your business," J.D. returned sharply, "Let me go."

"It's entirely my business," Carl argued, "I would think you'd know that. You belong to me."

"In your twisted dreams," J.D. scoffed, "Now let me go and fly the hell back home. I mean it. I value my privacy but not above my safety. I'll tell my friends everything if you force my hand."

"Your bluffing," Carl declared a moment later, "Not very well, either. If you're going to lie, at least do it properly. And here. Take this. As a proof of ownership."

J.D. took the envelope without looking at it and, finally freeing his wrist, fled to a more crowded section of the hospital. He told himself firmly that Carl couldn't stay forever. That all J.D. had to do was wait him out. Uncertainly, he glanced at the envelope and, hesitating even further, he opened it.

Inside was a photograph, large enough that it had taken up most the space within.

It was himself. He looked no more than eight. He was bound tightly to the bed underneath him, his mouth gagged and his body covered with semen. His eyes were distant, vague but starkly blue. He looked impossibly young. And not a little bit broken.

Despite himself, he let out a sob.

Before he knew it, he was crying in earnest, sinking to the floor from the weight of his tears and loosing himself in his grief. He'd never mourned his lost childhood before, but he did so then. And cursed his uncle with his every breath.

"Newbie?"

J.D. looked up, finding Dr Cox crouching down before him, looking beyond awkward. Though he doubted his reception, he couldn't help but throw himself into the man's arms, clinging to him so tightly that he doubted even Dr Cox would be able to disengage him.

"Please," he managed, tired and hurt and feeling more vulnerable than he ever had in his life. "Don't leave me alone with him. Please."

"What the hell, Cheryl?"

"Nothing," J.D. managed, pulling back and wiping his cheeks while trying to pull himself together, "Never mind."

"Like hell," Dr Cox returned fiercely, refusing to let him retreat, "Now tell me what the heck's going on because, last I checked, breaking down in the middle of hallways wasn't some bizarre new fashion trend."

J.D. grimaced, realizing just how public a place he'd chosen. If his uncle saw him like this…

Determinedly, J.D. got to his feet and straightened his clothes. He was barely in time because Carla, obviously having been tipped off by a passing intern, rounded the corner and, upon seeing him, drew him into a hug.

"Bambi," she breathed, "Come on. We're going to sort this out right now."

She began pulling him away before he knew what to do. He realized, as he walked, that Dr Cox was following them. He also realized he was still holding the photograph of his eight year old self. And suddenly, he felt so tired with it all that he was filled with energy.

"You okay v-bear?" Turk asked him the moment he stepped into view. Carl, standing just behind him, took one look at the back of the photograph J.D. was holding and smiled. J.D. took a breath.

"No," he admitted at last, "I'm not. And I won't be. Not until he leaves."

"John," Carl murmured, reaching out to touch him, "Lets just calm down a little. I'm sure we're all just a bit upset. But the past is past now. Surely it's time to move on."

J.D. punched him square in the jaw.

Carl stumbled backwards, catching himself from falling just in time. Carla gasped, looking scandalised. Turk and Dan just looked shocked.

"You… you… you bastard!" J.D. got out at last, "You want to talk to me about the past? Me? How dare you? You've no right to even mention my name! And I warned you! I told you, clear as day! I spent a decade of my life being scared. I worked my ass off to escape it. I won't let you drag me back in!"

"Dude!" Turk exclaimed, clearly taken aback.

"J.D.!" Dan managed a second later, "What the hell?"

Carl looked up, managing to stand with Dan's help and smooth down his clothing.

"Lets not do anything hasty," he whispered, eyes dark, "We don't want anyone to get… hurt. So why don't we go back to the apartment together, John? Talk it out alone?"

"Why?" J.D. demanded, Dr Cox having to hold him back from lunging again, "So you can tie me down and rape me? Or attempt to at least. If memory serves, that didn't work so well the last time."

Carl snarled, freeing himself from Dan's hold –a hold that had suddenly gone limp.

"What?" Dan managed, eyes wide, "J.D.? Uncle Carl?"

Carl's eyes went dark, his whole face transforming in an instant.

"You were such a slut," he scorned him, the voice that cruel mixture of tenderness and fury that J.D. remembered so well, "A fucking tease."

"I was seven!" J.D. yelled, his whole body shaking, "How could I possibly tease you? Your insane!"

"What the fuck are you guys talking about?" Dan demanded at last, furious, "Cause, I gotta say, I don't like the subtext!"

"He screamed for you, you know," Carl informed Dan, apparently realizing his cover was blown and acting instead to inflict the most damage, "Not for long, of course. I always gagged him in time. But he usually got one out –a single cry for help. Always your name. And I always did wonder… did you never hear him or did you just not care?"

Dan was so pale he should have been transparent. Carla's eyes were wide, her mouth agape. Turk looked no better. Dr Cox's hold went limp.

"Screw you!" J.D. cried, interrupting any reply Dan may have given, "And get the fuck away from me! I told you, I told you, you won't ever lay a hand on me again! And here! Take your fucking photograph back. Cause it's all your ever going to get!"

He threw it at his uncle furiously and, as Carl made no effort to catch it, it spiraled to the floor, landing gently and face-up.

"Oh my god," Dan whispered, upon seeing it. He looked physically ill, "Little brother…"

"Bambi," Carla breathed, beginning to cry.

Carl took a step towards J.D., his whole body tense and furious. Dr Cox, before motionless, suddenly sprung into action, drawing J.D. back and slightly behind him. J.D.'s eyes sparked and, despite the situation, he smiled. He'd gambled everything on the hope that, once they knew, his friends would fight fiercely to protect him. He hadn't dared include Dr Cox in that list.

Carl stilled, seeing that smile and scowling.

"Your tainted," he informed J.D. sharply, "You think he could ever want you? Ever desire you? After I've left my mark all over you? After I've tied you down and –"

It was Turk that punched him now.

"Get the hell out!" he snarled, "If you're still at my apartment when I return, I swear I won't be held responsible."

"Come on Veronica," Dr Cox cut in, pulling J.D. away, "You don't need to see this."

Dr Cox managed to get him to an on call room before J.D. lost it. He began it by laughing, part in relief part in disbelief, but it morphed into tears so violent it brought him to his knees.

"He'll never touch me," J.D. managed to vow, over and over, "Never. Never never never never never. Not again."

"How long?"

J.D., struggling to calm himself, barely heard the question. When it finally processed, he laughed again.

"Would you believe that I actually lost track?" he asked, shaking, "Since I was seven. On and off for years. Until I left for collage. At first I tried to tell but… no one ever listened. Eventually, I just stopped trying. Just decided to run. So I came here. Then he showed up on my doorstep."

"Vanilla Bear," Turk interrupted the moment, entering the room and sweeping J.D. into his arms, "Man. I'm so sorry."

J.D. clung to him, crying all over again.

"I'm sorry," J.D. managed, breathlessly, "I can't stop crying. And Dr Cox already thinks I'm a girl."

"You are a girl," Dr Cox put in gruffly, "But crying doesn't make you more of one."

"You wanna tell me what happened?" Turk asked him uncertainly, all but pulling J.D. into his lap.

"If you'll listen," J.D. replied at last. Turk nodded. Dr Cox made to leave.

"Stay?" J.D. begged of him, "Please?"

Dr Cox hesitated, but sat again, his face emotionless. He nodded.

"The first time it happened, I was seven…"

He told them everything. From that first time, when his uncle had made him touch his cock, to the last time before J.D. had managed to escape to college. He explained his daydreams. His girly habits. His sense of freedom every time his mother got married. His mixed feelings of jealousy and relief about Dan. Even how he felt about it –ugly, tainted and dirty at times, utterly free from it all at others.

"By the time her marriage fell apart, I'd gotten into college. I packed my things as quickly as I could and I left. I wanted to forget everything that had happened to me. I wanted to leave it all behind me and never look back. To believe that it didn't have to change my life. I didn't want to face him… what happened… ever again. Failed pretty miserably, huh?"

"You can't run from your past forever, VB," Turk murmured, sympathetically, "Sooner or later, you have to face it."

"I have faced it," J.D. protested, a little wryly, "I punched its face in."

"Didn't know you had it in you," Turk marvelled. "It was a very nice punch."

"For a girl," Dr Cox put in.

J.D. smiled.

"For the record?" Turk began, "Your not tainted."

J.D. hesitated but, having trusted them this far, went on.

"Do you remember Luke?"

Turk frowned, caught off guard by the non-sequoia, and shook his head.

"He went to collage with us. He was the first crush I ever had."

Turk, understandably, looked surprised. J.D. saw it in his face, and grinned.

"Yeah, well, imagine how I felt," he parried, "I freaked out completely. I'd barely left my uncle behind and now I was eyeing up other men. That… well, it wasn't an easy time for me. I didn't like the implications of being attracted to men. I mean, what if it was a sign that my uncle was right? That I enjoyed what he did to me? That I begged for it –"

"Stop it right there, Yvette," Dr Cox cut in fiercely, "Seven year old don't have the capacity to beg for anything of that nature. Getting your jollies from men doesn't say anything about you except to explain some of your more annoying feminine quirks. Or those bizarre gay days you have. It has nothing to do with that bastard of what has the balls to call himself a man."

"I know that," J. D admitted, "I mean, some part of me does. But it's one thing to know it, it's another completely to feel it. Or to act on it. And, to be honest, it's never been a problem. Until now."

"You like someone," Turk realized, knowing him better than anyone else did, "That's what your… what he meant."

"It doesn't matter," J.D. dismissed, smiling, "I haven't a chance in hell. But you don't mind I might be a little gay? Bi at least?"

"Nah, mate," Turk replied emphatically, "We're still cool. I've got your back. And I still insist you're not tainted. Heck, you're the purest most naïve guy I know."

"Thanks Turk," J.D. sighed, hugging him tightly.

"And what do you mean, 'not a chance'? Who wouldn't want you?"

"Pretty sure he's straight," J.D. returned with a grin, "And even if he weren't… nope. Can't see him being interested. I think he finds me a bit annoying, to be frank. Even if he does seem to respect me at times."

"Too bad V-Bear," Turk remarked, "Do you want to go home? I think you could use the sleep."

"Is he…?"

"Dan's taking him to the airport personally, J.D.. Provided he doesn't kill him first. I've never seen your brother so mad."

"Yeah, alright. Can you come, though? I don't want to be alone…"

As though waiting for such a cue, Turk's pager went off. Turk swore.

"I'll take him," Dr Cox put in, "Come on, Lola. You really need some rest."

J.D. let himself be pulled to his feet. And hastened to wipe his face clean as much as was possible before they left the room. He felt nervous the whole walk to Dr Cox's car, unable to believe that his uncle had really left. Dr Cox's stance seemed to suggest a similar vigilance –though his seemed to warn everyone off or else be subject to extreme acts of violence.

When they finally reached his apartment, J.D. was exhausted but still feeling anxious.

"Would you stay?" he asked his secret crush tentatively, "Just until I fall asleep?"

Dr Cox nodded sharply and, retreating into the bathroom to get changed, J.D. came back out to find Dr Cox sitting awkwardly on his bed. Looking very uncomfortable. J.D. smiled.

Climbing under the covers, he gravitated towards the elder man hesitantly.

"Tell anyone about this and your dead," Dr Cox warned him before, with a great put-upon sigh, he drew J.D. close to his body and held him there.

J.D. grinned and, in moments, was asleep.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

"It was disturbing. It was like… he dropped a mask. Creepy as hell. You should have heard the things he said. He's damn lucky I didn't crash the car. I settled for punching him when we got to the airport. Repeatedly. Very satisfying."

Wasn't that Dan's voice?

"Preaching to the choir, man. I like to relive the moment in extra slow mo."

And that was definitely Turk.

"I can't believe I never suspected anything," a sigh, "I should have. In hindsight, it was obvious. But I never saw. Maybe I didn't want to see."

"Don't beat yourself up too much. It wasn't your fault."

"You didn't hear him." Dan (J.D. was rather certain by now) parried, "He went on and on about the things he did. And he kept talking about Dr Cox. About how he'd never want J.D. now that he knew. I mean, what the hell? I tell you the man is insane."

Silence. Then:

"What was that about Cox?"

"He didn't make a lot of sense," Dan repeated. J.D. silently begged for him to shut the hell up, "But he said that he saw J.D. eyeing Coxie. Went on and on about how J.D. was his and that Dr Cox would never want him now that he knew he was –and I'm quoting here –such a… a dirty slut. Called him soiled goods. And then he went on about just how good a good J.D. was. We reached the airport then. That's when I first punched him. Hard."

J.D. groaned. The solid mass beside him was a reminder that, yes, Dr Cox was still there. He wearily opened a single eye, optimistically hoping the man was asleep.

He wasn't.

J.D. snapped the eye closed.

"Don't think I didn't see that Mary."

J.D. sighed, but reluctantly admitted defeat and stoped pretending. Dr Cox, his limbs still slightly tangled with J.D.'s from sleep, looked oddly amused. J.D. prepared himself to be heckled.

Instead, he was kissed.

Considering it was Dr Cox kissing him, the kiss was surprisingly soft. It was gentle, coaxing and utterly sweet. Which, of course, instantly set off alarm bells. Because Dr Cox was many things, but sweet wasn't one of them.

"If your doing this out of pity," J.D. snapped, pulling back furiously, "I'd have you know that –"

Dr Cox cut him off with another kiss. This one was rougher. Hard, demanding and utterly Dr Cox. Of course, it was perfect.

"Samantha," he snarled, voice slightly thick, "For once in your life shut. The. Hell. Up."

J.D. shut the hell up.

His obedience was rewarded with another kiss. J.D., finally getting through the knee jerk shock was suddenly in the midst of an 'oh-my-god-I'm-kissing-Dr-Cox' realization. This wasn't as jarring as the initial freak out because, after all, Dr Cox was a hell of a kisser. And J.D. was too blissfully dazed to care much who the hell he was kissing.

"I'm damaged," J.D. managed at last, pulling back and trying, hopelessly, to say something for which he didn't have the words, "And tainted. And girly. And not a little bit broken."

"Resilient," Dr Cox added, drawing him closer, "And brilliant. And quirky. And infuriating. And mine."

"Will you call me J.D.?" J.D. inquired hopefully.

"Hell no."

J.D. pouted.

"Sometimes," Dr Cox amended, reluctantly, "Maybe."

"Does that mean we're dating?"

"Dear lord, Louise, this isn't a midday soap opera. Could you be any more of a girl? I don't do flowers or fine dining. No proms. If you want me you'll get me as I am. No refunds."

He was pulled into another kiss and, while Dr Cox's (he should probably call him Perry now, huh?) kisses were just as rough, his hands were gentle and never strayed below his waist. However dominant he might be, it was clear Dr –Perry –was going to let J.D. lead when it came to speed. Pressing himself against the chest of his (giggle) boyfriend, J.D. smiled.

"I think I can live with that."

The End.

Authors Note: End! I know, I know, it's a little open ended. Well, that's life for you. These sort of issues don't get resolved overnight and it felt riduculous to suggest as much. But I feel this ending is hopeful and fluffy enough to satisfy everyone. No lemon though. If you want one of those, try my one-shot "My Blunder". That should satisfy you. The quote is by Eleanor Roosevelt, by the way. Brilliant woman. Have a great weekend everybody and, as always, read and review!