title: The Optimist
rating: PG
summary: Roger Linus copes with Ben's return. Roger's perspective.
characters: Roger, Ben, Horace, mentions of Emily and Richard
setting: Takes place after the events of "Whatever Happened, Happened".
pairings: Inclusion of canon Roger/Emily and thoughts about Roger/Kate, but primarily gen.
author's note: Spoilers for some recent S5 episodes, specifically "Whatever Happened, Happened" and "He's Our You" but also a bit of "The Variable".

It was rare weather for Portland. Maybe we should have taken that as a sign, an omen. Things would stop making sense, nothing would traverse along the grand plan she and I had laid out. But hell, we were optimists. So what that it was six days before Christmas and no snow on the ground? So what she was seven months pregnant? She wanted a hike, to commune with nature. Always was a nature lover, my Emily. Like any good man I did my damnedest to please her. So we went. Miles away from the city, hours away from any people, nobody knew we were gone. Optimists, what did I tell you? A couple of damn foolish kids, young and stupid and too in love to care.

There is something about my son that isn't quite right. I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I never paid him as much mind as I ought to have; I know I was sure as hell harder on him than I needed to be, but my old man wasn't much of an example. Em was the nurturing one, the parent who would have taken Ben into her arms and rocked him to sleep as a child, who would have read him stories at bedtime and always, always given in easily when he begged for just one more. She had all these plans, talked about it so much I thought she'd be the perfect mom, a combination of Betty Crocker and June Cleaver. She would've had chocolate chip cookies and milk for him after school, parties for his friends, new bikes and games every birthday, a cake laden with candles. I wanted to be a great dad, I really did. I had everything lined up. My kid was going to be an All Star. I was going to take him fishing and buy him his first beer, teach him about women, pat him on the back, cheer so loud my throat got raw at his graduation. Course, that's not what happened, not at all. My life ended the moment Emily's heart stopped beating. I guess maybe Ben's did too.

Somebody has to know what's happened to Ben, but nobody's talking. A couple of the new people got rounded up a few days ago; they were breaking into the gun cabinet and made up some lies about Horace telling them to do it. One of them was Kate. There's something funny about that girl. First time I saw her, I swear I felt a weight lift off my shoulders that had been there so long I'd forgotten how it felt without it. She was like a ray of sunshine after a storm, or a cold one after a long day's work. For the first time in quite a while I felt something for a woman. I never thought that would happen again, after Emily, but I was sweet on her for a while. But you can't trust these people, these Dharmas. Not even Kate. She knows something, but she's not telling; least, she's not telling me. Jack was caught with her and that guy Faraday, the scientist, the crazy one who rambles about physics enough to give even Chang a headache. It bummed me out. Jack seemed okay at first, too.

I hate to think La Fleur did something. I haven't seen him around, or Juliet, but rumor has it they've been taken to one of the stations and are being interrogated; some kind of problem with Phil. La Fleur can be a hard ass but he seemed like a swell guy at first, and I know he does his best taking care of all of us. He's tough, but he always struck me as trustworthy. Man, I hope so. I don't know how to make heads or tails out of this.

Ben came walking out of the jungle two days ago, after going missing over a week. Lorna saw him, said he strode right out like he knew exactly where he was headed, even though he's never set foot in the jungle before. The interior of the island is a dangerous place, what with the Hostiles running around trying to take us all out, and the truce is as uneasy as ever. But somehow, he'd gotten out there, and gotten back alive. Horace said it was some kind of miracle. He thinks Ben must have wandered off, delirious, and somehow gotten outside the perimeter, but I don't see how he could have got past that fence without help. The kid never walked in his sleep before, and he was pretty messed up. What Horace doesn't know - what nobody seems to know - is how Ben got healed. He didn't explain himself to anyone when he got back, and he wouldn't let Dr. Burke look him over either. Seemed like he was hiding something, but I caught a glimpse at him when he was walking back to his room from the shower, and somebody's got some explaining to do. He has scars still, but faint ones, like he was shot years ago and not just a week ago.

I was out of my mind when we couldn't find him, and after a while I just couldn't take it. After losing Emily, I never thought anything could hurt me again, but it was bad, not knowing where Ben was or what was happening to him. I was home, lying on the couch, trying to get past the pain when all of a sudden the door opened up and there he was, in those same pants he'd been wearing before, except all clean, and a shirt a few sizes too big for him that I'd never seen before.

"Hi, Dad," he said when he came inside and closed the door. It was like any other day, like he hadn't been missing, like he hadn't been shot. At first I thought the alcohol was screwing around with my head, or he was a ghost, but no, that was Ben all right. The same, except his eyes. He didn't look to have a care in the world. Something was missing, but I can't explain what, even now. If I was a religious man I might say his soul, but that ain't right. He was Ben, just different.

I didn't know how to answer him at first, and I couldn't tell you how long I sat there staring at him, half-crazy, thinking I was losing my mind. Finally I got up and went to him. I've never really touched Ben before. I'm not the hugging type, and something always seemed to keep Ben and I apart, but seeing him back after all that worry I felt so relieved that I tried to hug him. He wouldn't let me, kind of pulled away. I used to think he wanted me to pay more attention to him, but I guess I was wrong. So, I just sort of patted his shoulder.

"Where have you been?"

He raised his eyes and looked at me like he was surprised to see me there. Then he went into the kitchen and made himself a sandwich. I don't blame him; he looked leaner than before, hungry, but it pissed me off all the same. After all he put me through, not to even give his old man a decent explanation - like I said, that's not like my kid at all.

"I asked, where the hell have you been? We've been going crazy, looking everywhere for you."

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"What? What do you mean 'I don't know' boy? You're gone for a week, and you don't know where you've been? Who took you out of the medical station? What happened to you? God damn it, Ben, give me an answer, sharp." I guess I got provoked a bit, by the way he stood there ignoring me, not even looking at me. I'm used to him being obedient. All the things you can say about Ben, all his flaws, but he's always listened good, and this time he didn't. I'd had a few too many beers, too, and went over close to him, pushed him up against the wall. There was no talking to the kid. He'd ruined that. I'd wanted to hug him and make things better between us, try to make up for everything we'd been through. I know I wasn't always fair to him about Emily dying, but he didn't want anything to do with me. He just eyed me, creepy-like, expressionless. I know he's only a fourteen year old boy, but he looked, well - dangerous.

"Do you want one?" he asked me, and I'll be damned if he didn't point to his sandwich as though there was nothing else going on. "I'll make you one, if you want."

There had always been something of Emily in Ben. I can't get too precise, but the best way of describing it would be to say he had her gentleness. He liked nature, loved being outdoors, just like her, but he loved animals best of all. I had got him a pet rabbit not long after we moved to the island, and he was so careful with that thing you'd think it was made of glass. He was that way with people too. Standoffish, yeah, and shy too - that got me real riled up sometimes, that sissy act - but mostly gentle. He had a way about him of caring for people. Even took care of me sometimes, not that I'm proud. He'd fix my dinner and take off my shoes if I fell asleep on the couch, but the look on his face was always kind - soft, you know. Well let me tell you, the words were the same but the expression wasn't Ben, not by a long-shot. He wasn't trying to please me like usual. He looked like he didn't care if I dropped dead.

Lucky for us both, Horace came by. Trust him to have heard from Lorna already. He started pounding on the door like he was planning to break it down, and when I opened it he was standing there panting as though he'd run the whole way over.

"I heard - have you seen -" He got it together pretty quick when he laid eyes on Ben. "Hey, kiddo!" Good old Horace, nothing surprises him, nothing he can't handle. We have our differences, but he's a good man to have on your side. "I heard you were back." He got all serious. I swear, he loves my kid. See's himself as an uncle, maybe. "Are you okay? What happened to you, Ben?"

They talked a while, but Ben kept it to small talk, and kept giving me these weird looks. Bad vibes, man. Horace finally asked me to leave. Never mind it was my own house, he wanted me out and he got it. God knows what they discussed but I wasn't a part of it. I raided the liquor shelf in the supply building and took myself for a ride, just drove down to one of the beaches and watched the moonlight on the water. Went on a bender, if you want the truth, and fell asleep around dawn. I missed work the next day, but everything was so hectic nobody seemed to notice, and Horace never said a word. Neither did Ben.

He's in his bedroom now. Well, I think so, but I ain't going to look. A couple of times I've gone in there, real worked up and ready to demand some answers from him, only to find the window open and Ben long gone. Where he goes, I couldn't venture to guess, but a few times I've found mud on the carpet, like he's been trekking around the jungle, getting up to something. Horace changed the code to the fence, scared maybe the Hostiles figured it out and kidnapped him, but it hasn't stopped Ben leaving, and it hasn't changed anything else, either. I don't check on him too much, and though I'm embarrassed to admit it, sometimes he makes me uncomfortable. He'll lift up his head from a book, and his eyes are always cool, blank, dismissive, like he's looking right through me. Doesn't matter if I shout or sweet talk him, he doesn't change. I can't put my finger on it. He isn't a bad kid. He's not mean, doesn't bully his classmates, doesn't lose his temper. He's always been good with that, even keel; God knows he takes after Emily there. He does his chores like always, doesn't backtalk. I wish I could figure out what's changed, but part of me thinks I don't want to know.

I used to avoid him because it made me ache to look at him. Every time I saw him, I thought of Emily, and how she wasn't around anymore, how she died giving him life. Now, it's different. I avoid him because, honest, I don't know him anymore, and damned foolish as I might be, he's spooky. I've been drinking more than I should too, and he's always hated that, but he won't a say a word about it no more, doesn't try hiding the liquor like he used to. I can't help it, even though I know I should try. I need it. I think if I quit, I would lose my mind. There are times, late at night, I hear whispers all around the house, a bunch of voices talking, though I can't make out the words. There are times when Ben looks at me, and when I peer back into his eyes I see something looking back at me that is not the son I knew.