To Talk: A Cat's Tale

Author: jedipati aka immortal_jedi

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (except for Cap) and I don't own POTC

Characters: Captain Jones, the crew of the Dutchman, Cap

Rating: PG

Summary: The Captain of the Dutchman asks Cap, the ship's cat, why he doesn't talk, so Cap tries. Unfortunately, it's a little hard for them to understand him once he does start to talk. After all, they've never been on the interwebs.

Warnings: Copious amounts of crack, and my OMCC (Original Male Cat Character) is a main character in this.

Captain Davy Jones watched as his crew went about the business of sailing the Flying Dutchman.

Most of the time, like now, he didn't have to keep an eye on them. They knew what they were doing. But sometimes, also like now, he liked to take a turn at the wheel and watch everything.

The ship's cat, which most of the crew insisted on calling "Cap", jumped onto the rail right in front of Davy.

Davy grinned at him. Cap was somewhat useless as a ship's cat, but he had become part of the crew, and he'd stay crew for one hundred years, just like everyone who joined. But they didn't really have anything for him to do. The Dutchman didn't have rats, and any that did find their way on board drowned the next time the ship dove. So the cat spent most of his time with whoever was at the wheel.

Cap stared up at Davy for a moment, but quickly realized that the Captain was not interested in petting the cat. Cap settled himself on the rail with a slight huff.

Davy just smiled again. The cat was a member of the crew, and that often had strange effects on humans, let alone a cat. It had certainly made Cap smarter.

"I know ye're smart enough t' understand everything we say," Davy said. "So why have you never talked?"

Cap looked over at him for a moment before snorting and returning his attention to grooming his coat.

Davy eyed the cat for a moment. "I know ye're a cat," he mused. "But ye're no' a ordinary cat."

Cap blinked, then lifted his front left paw, which was well on its way to becoming a fin.

"Beyond that, ye little annoyance," Davy said.

"Merip," Cap replied.

Davy blinked. "That's a bit more then an ordinary cat sound, but you're no' talkin' yet.

Cap flipped his tail up, nearly hitting Davy, and turned his back on the Captain.

Davy chuckled and thought no more of it.

Over the next week, various crewmen were treated to odd and sometimes impressive vocalizations from Cap.

There was nothing that could be considered words, but very few of the sounds were typical cat noises.

The newest member of the crew was the one who found himself listening to the cat the most, since he tended to get the nighttime assignments.

Bootstrap didn't mind. He would always smile and reach out to pet Cap when the cat spent the hours before dawn with him.

Most of the crew was speculating on just what had gotten into Cap, though none of had any idea.

After the sixth day, Bootstrap would smile at the speculation. After that, Cap stopped making such outrageous sounds.

So, the morning of the eighth day, when Cap sauntered up to the Captain, no one thought anything of it. The Captain looked down at the cat, who jumped up on top of the barrel next to him. "OH HAI, CAPTAIN," the cat said.

Captain Jones blinked down at Cap. He hadn't been serious about the cat talking… What had he just said?

Maccus, who had been updating the Captain on the night's events, also looked down. "Did Cap just…"

"I KNOE HOW 2 TALK," Cap said matter of factly. "LIEK U ASKD, CAPTAIN."

"That's no dialect of English I know," the Captain said. "And I wasn't serious about it!"

"IM KAT. I TALK LIEK KAT," Cap replied. "I DOAN TALK LIEK HOOMAN."

Maccus just stared at the cat.

Cap looked back. "BRB," he said, and took off running, chasing a seagull that had landed on the deck.

"What did he just say?" Captain Jones asked.

"I have no idea what that last one was, but I think he was just telling you that he can talk, but he can't talk like we do," Bootstrap said.

The Captain turned to look at him. "You understood that?"

"Somewhat," Bootstrap said. "In a way."

Cap came trotting back to them, dragging a struggling seagull along with him. "I HAS A SEAGULL," he informed them proudly.

The Captain closed his eyes. It was going to be one of those days, wasn't it? He supposed it was his fault for agreeing to captain a supernatural ship in the first place, and then by suggesting that Cap learn to talk.

"I can see that," Maccus said, apparently deciding to just go with the flow. "What are you going to do with it? It's the first time you've ever caught a seagull."

Cap looked confused for a moment before tilting his head. "OH, NOM NOM NOM."

"What?" the Captain asked.

"OM NOM NOM NOM," Cap replied. "GOIN 2 EAT DINNR. DO U WANTS ANY?"

"No, thank you, Cap," Maccus said. The cat shrugged and dragged his still struggling prize away. Unfortunately for Cap, before he'd gone too far, the bird managed to free itself and began pecking at Cap and chasing him around the deck.

"HALP! HALP!" Cap yelled as the bird started diving at him.

Almost everyone just watched in shock. The ship's cat was talking, and now an annoyed bird was dive-bombing him.

The Captain turned around and stomped back into his cabin. "You deal with this," he ordered Maccus.

The first mate sighed. Luckily, the attacking bird gave up once Cap hid behind Bootstrap. "I HAS A HURT," the cat announced. "TEH NOM HURT ME."

Bootstrap frowned. "Um… I didn't quite get that one, Cap," he said. "But I got the idea that you're hurt." He bent down and picked the cat up.

Cap was hurt, with several peck marks along his back. But even as Bootstrap looked at them, they were healing. "They're already healing, Cap. But maybe you'll stop chasing seagulls now. The thing was almost bigger then you, anyway."

"BUT I LIEK CHASIN TEH NOMS."

"What was that third word?"

"LIEK," Cap said.

Bootstrap frowned. "Are you sure we can't get you to talk a little more like a human?"

"I R NOT HOOMAN."

Bootstrap frowned. "I know, Cap. But it's… just a little hard to understand you," he said after a moment.

"I TALK LIEK KAT. I CANT TALK LIEK HOOMAN."

Bootstrap sighed.

"BOOTSTRAP IZ SAD."

"No, merely frustrated."

"CAPTAIN WANTD I 2 TALK."

"I know, Cap."

"MAYBE I SHUD STOP?"

"That's up to you, Cap."

"ILL GO ASK CAPTAIN," Cap said.

Bootstrap put him down and watched as he headed straight for the Captain's cabin. "Oh dear," the man said.

Cap slid into the Captain's cabin easily. "CAPTAIN? R U HER?"

"What the… blasted… Yes, I'm here. What do you want?" The Captain asked. "And what are you doing in my cabin?"

"NEEDZ 2 ASK QUESHUN. DO U WANTS ME 2 KEEP TALKIN? I CANT TALK LIEK HOOMAN."

The Captain stared at him. "I don't see why not. As long as you know that we won't always understand you."

"I KNOE. BOOTSTRAP HELPD ME TALK, AN HE CANT UNDERSTAND ME ALL TEH TIEM."

"Oh he did, did he?" the Captain said after a moment.

"AT NITE, WHEN HEZ ON TEH WHEEL, HED HALP ME TALK. HE WANTD ME 2 TALK LIEK HOOMAN, BUT I TALK LIEK KAT."

"I see." The Captain sat down on and patted the bench next to him. "Do all cats talk like… well, the way you're talking?"

Cap jumped up next to him. "IM PART OV TEH CREW. IM TEH ONLY KAT SMART ENOUGH 2 TALK. BUT OTHR KATS WUD TALK LIEK DIS."

"I see," the Captain said. He frowned thoughtfully. "I did ask why you didn't talk. I suppose you shouldn't stop, since I can tell you just did this to please me."

"AYE CAPTAIN," Cap said.

"But, do me a favor and try to tone it down. You don't have to shout."

"IM SHOUTIN? SRY."

"Yes, you are. But, all things considered, it's pretty impressive."

"THX, CAPTAIN."

The Captain stood up. "And next time, don't come into my cabin without permission. Out, now!"

The cat jumped, startled, and took off through the door.

Captain Jones stared after him for a long moment.

"And now the ship's cat can talk. What's next? A child of a crewman coming along and stealing the key?"

Davy snorted. As if that could ever happen.

Author's Notes: Yeah. A little too long spent on I Can Haz Cheeseburger, I think. Anyway, I wish I could blame this story on someone else, but it's all me.

I hope you enjoyed it.