I'm sure this had been written off by most, but here 'tis anyway! All the mistakes are mine. This is un-beta'd—I just wanted to get this out there. 3 xo

HOOOOOOOooooEEEY! It sure done been a long-ass time, ain't it? *pulls hat off head and holds in hands* I very sincerely 'pologize, y'all. My momma'd done tanned my hide over this delay, but Shalu and CarminMoon said "Hey, better late than never!" Makes sense ta me! Regardless, we do hope y'enjoy catchin' up with this lusty lot o' heathens!

The six pack made their way through the Quarter in a leisurely and somewhat gropeful way. Hands were held and yanked back to "family-friendly" spots as they took in the sights.

"Ooh! Look here's a brochure for 'ChickenMan Swamp Tours.' It says they go out four times a day, and to check in at their headquarters on Rue St. Louis for more info." Alice was reading and walking at the same time, which was quite a feat in her four-inch platform heels on uneven pavement. "It says the 5pm tour is always the busiest, so we should book our spots early. That's when the gators start to get active."

Jasper was reading over her shoulder as they walked and he steadied her with one hand. "It says here that we should bring our cameras, water, and marshmallows. What in the sam-hell do we need marshmallows fer?"

"I dunno, maybe there's a bonfire'r sum'n afterwards." Edward answered as he slipped his arm around Bella's shoulders. "If there is, we should bring something more to drink 'an water!"

Emmett's eyebrows wiggled at this. "Ya think they'll let us wrassle a gator? I always wanted t' do that."

"Lord in heav'n, Cooter," Rosalie grumbled with a smile, "could ya be more redneck?"

Alice and Bella giggled, but Emmett just rolled his eyes. "You know me wrasslin' a gator'd turn y'on." Rosalie yelped when his grip on her slipped down to her ass.

"Hey! Can't you wait til we git home?" she hissed, visibly amused, despite what her tone might insinuate.

"No." The earnest, ridiculously-in-love expression he wore was panty-melting. Rosalie sighed and kissed him hard before firmly grabbing a handful of his ass. "'Ere's m'girl," he grumbled.

"Come on, y'all," Alice shouted over the din of laughter and love-threats. "Let's go get our tickets! This is gonna be fun."

She started to move forward toward Rue St. Louis, but Jasper's arms constricted and held her back. "I think the South's rubbin' off on ya, darlin'."

"Oh? How's that?" she asked, twisting to look him in the eyes.

He stole a kiss and mimicked, "Y'all."

She blushed crimson and swatted his nose. "Well, you've been rubbin' your south all over me, in me..."

Before she could continue, he literally swept her off her feet and threw her over his shoulder.

"Jasper, I'm in a skirt!" she hollered, much to his amusement. "Oh, my God! Bella, am I flashing the entire Quarter right now?"

Bella laughed and nodded at Alice's upturned face. "I'm afraid so, Ali."

"Jasper, put me down! Or all that south-rubbing business is suspended until further notice!" Alice's threat was heeded as Jasper quickly set her to her feet. "Don't worry none, darlin; I had ya covered," he told her with a wink.

She feebly pushed at his chest and spun to walk away unattended. He snatched her arm and gently pulled her back to his embrace. "Don't be cross, baby," he told her softly, attaching a light kiss to the request. One kiss turned to two, three, and finally constant as Alice jumped and wrapped her legs around his waist. A full-on, mid-street makeout session ensued until Bella flipped Alice's skirt up, fully exposing her skimpy, red boyshort panties.

"Y'all get a room," Bella said, affecting a thick southern accent for a laugh. Edward picked up her hand, as she'd jumped out from under his arm. She smiled at him, blushing softly as his fingers threaded through hers.

"You still blushin' fer me, sweet Bella?" he teased, leaning in to suckle at her neck. "I do love that shade o' pink on ya."

Alice panted, her eyes unfocused as she finally dismounted Jasper in favor of continuing their trek to the swamp tour office. "I swear I've never been so constantly horny in my entire life," she said.

The entire group—save her—stopped and stared at her, bug-eyed. Alice continued, but jerked backwards once Jasper's arm extended as far as it could go without him following.

"What?"

Jasper's expression crumbled into laughter, the rest of them following in suit, while Alice was absorbed in a blush of her own — much deeper than Bella's and more embarrassing.

"Oh shit, I said that out loud, didn't I?" She whimpered, attempting to pull her hand away from Jasper, but he held firm, using his grip to anchor her while he walked forward to engulf her in his arms.

"You did, darlin', but I loved it," he said, grinning madly. He dropped his voice low, for her ears only. "And I'm right there with you... I never had an appetite like the one I have for you."

Her red cheeks didn't dissipate at that, but her insanely happy smile was back. "C'mon, Jazzy, let's go."

"Finally," Rosalie mumbled. "I thought we's gon' git so durn side-tracked, we'd git arrested for reenacting Caligula er sumthin'."

"But it's Nawlins," Emmett reasoned. The group erupted in laughter as they (finally) continued toward their intended destination.

Well, I don't know about y'all, but I hope whatever boat this lot gets on is adults only. I got a feelin' it ain't gon' git no more kid-friendly 'ere.

"I cain't b'lieve we ain't seen one gator yet," Emmett lamented over the loud droning of the fan engine. "Ren, I thought this's the best time for 'em?"

Rennan, the weather- and time-worn tour guide, commiserated. "Well, I'll tell ya what," he began. "We could bait 'em. One o' these purty ladies here would certainly attract some pred'tors."

"And that they do," Edward said, grinning at Bella. "But I'll fight 'em off. Defend yer honor an' all 'at. Unless you mean me."

"I'm pretty sure I called the first gator wrasslin' up in here," Emmett barked, his one-track mind still on that ridiculous topic. "Honor aside, anyone wrasslin' a gator is gon' be me."

Bella giggled soundlessly, drowned by the noise of the boat. "You're no predator," she spoke into Edward's ear. "And maybe I appear harmless and sweet, but it could simply be a ruse to lure you in and eat you alive."

"Hooo-whee! Kin we make a pitstop?" Edward shouted to the driver without ever taking his eyes off of her. "Bella an' I need to git off—"

"I bet you do," Jasper chided happily. The rest laughed.

"The boat, ya durn knucklehead," Edward said before slapping Jasper on the back of the head.

"Gators!" Rosalie yelled, interrupting the nonsensical argument filtering through the group. She jumps to her feet and steadies herself. "Check it out! Must be a feedin' frenzy!"

"Naw," Ren said. "Just a momma wranglin' 'er babies."

"Sweet tiny baby Jesus, that is awesome," Emmett hollered, standing up with her. "So's kin I jus' jump in? Or is there a wrasslin' rang some'ere else?"

Rennan shook his head, not even cracking a smile. "Son, last gator you wan' wrassle is a momma gator. 'Sides, I cain't let ya off the boat."

The Cullen lot had never seen Emmett so deflated. Alice and Bella simultaneously sighed in disappointment on his behalf. As the boat slowed, everyone leaned toward the side where alligators were congregating. Some slipped into the water, others climbed out. The largest, presumably the momma, had some kind of prey in its mouth.

They stopped for a few pictures but moved on when the momma gator started to look restless, and even circled the boat once.

"I'd still wrassle 'er," Emmett mumbled as they passed.

Rosalie wrapped her arms around his middle. "S'awright, baby," she told him. "I'll wrassle ya later, if'n it'd make ya feel better. Nekkid, o'course."

"That's happ'nin' either way." He winked and kissed her. "Maybe we'll see more up ahead."

Rosalie rolled her eyes playfully, also realizing she might be fishing him out of the water and a gator's jaw before she knew it. Minutes later, the boat approached a lone gator resting on a swampy patch of land. Rosalie turned to see if Emmett noticed when they all heard a splash.

"That idjit done swan-dived into the water!" Rennan shouted, but his voice was trilling with laughter, too.

"I swear on ev'thang sacred 'n' holy, mister," Rosalie growled, "my man gets even a scratch on 'im an' you'll wish the gator gotcha."

Rennan paled as the rest of the group scrambled to find Emmett in the water. Rose was about to dive in after him when he surfaced suddenly and hopped on the gator's back and rolled with it into the water.

"EMMETT!" Rosalie screamed at a pitch neither of her cousins had heard cross her lips before. It was the pure essence of panic—a panic that soon went as silent as she did pale.

The boat was a flurry of arms and a garbled cloud of shouting until the gator in question crawled slowly back up on the patch of land it'd come from. Everyone and everything went still when they noticed a tear of Emmett's horrifying Hawaiian print shirt hanging from the animal's mouth.

"Must've tucked him down below fer tenderizin'," Rennan said. "Couldna ate 'im that fast."

Lucky for him, Rosalie'd actually done fainted. I'd keep eyes on the back o' m'head, though, if'n I's him. When she comes to? That there's a dead man.

Edward and Jasper were about to do Rosalie a solid and give Rennan double black eyes, when Emmett popped out of the water with a loud, screaming splash.

"RAWRRR!" The big lug gripped the side of the boat and clung to it as he laughed, a slew of dirty looks spearing him. He easily pulled himself over and high-fived Rennan, who grinned like the cat who ate the canary.

"Goldurnit, Cooter!" Jasper growled. "The Sam hell you thank you doin'? Idjit."

"I daresay you might have killed your girlfriend, Em," Bella offered. "I'm guessing she's not going to be a fan of the joke. I mean, you scared the shit out of all of us, but—"

"We'd never seen Rosalie in such a fret," Edward finished. "You're dead meat, cuz."

Edward's grin was a little bit evil, telling everyone that he was going to enjoy Rosalie's revenge. Emmett ignored him—well used to such taunting having endured and participated more times than he could count—and pulled Rosalie into his lap.

"Rosie? C'mon, wake up, baby," he demanded softly, cradling her head. Finally her eyes fluttered and in no time, laser-focused on Emmett's face.

"Emmett? You're okay?"

He grinned. "A-OK, sweet thang." As she sat up, he continued. "Just a silly ol' prank. Rennan had a remote control gator—"

But he didn't finish the sentence, because in a flash of fury, Rosalie had jumped up and whipped around his back, pulling him into a tight headlock. In less than five seconds, her six-foot-four, two-hundred and thirty-three pound lover was flat-out unconscious. Five stunned onlookers stared in amazement. Jasper and Edward whispered to each other and surreptitiously fist-bumped.

"Pull some shit like 'at," Rose grumbled at Emmett before dropping him unceremoniously to the floor. "Y'just see where it'll gitcha!"

The rest of the ride was pretty quiet.

I done toldja.

Esme was near in stitches as Alice and Bella recounted the gator story. "It was a fake gator!" Alice shouted, slapping the kitchen counter with her palm. "It looked so real and in the commotion, no one realized!"

Jasper pulled her onto his lap so they both sat in the high-backed chair. "They shor pulled it off, but ol' Coot's gon' be working this 'un off for decades," he says with a crooked grin. He threw a glance to Edward who simply nodded.

Rosalie, meanwhile, focused on cooking, a silent simper on her lips—clearly very satisfied with herself. She hadn't spoken a word to Emmett since he woke up at the end of the ride with a splitting headache. At the moment, he was sprawled over a hammock situated on the wraparound porch.

"Is Emmett okay?" Esme asked. "He's been stuck to that hammock for an hour now."

"I gave 'im some pain pills for the headache," Rose answered too-calmly. "He'll be out for a lil while. We don't have to wait for 'im ta eat."

Everyone watched her sickly-sweet smile with a variety of horrified and awed expressions. Alice was the only one to speak.

"Dear God, lady," she said, leaning on her fist on the breakfast bar. "You have the satisfied look of a serial killer. Black widow or something."

Rosalie chuckled and sipped her Irish coffee before replying. "Oh, honey, I ain't done with that boy by a mile."

Like I said, folks—I. Done. Toldja. All's I kin say is, NEVER CROSS A SOUTHERN WOMAN. 'Specially one raised with all boys—Cullens at that. 'S like bein' raised with wolves er sum'n.

Anyhow, I do hope y'enjoyed this little jump back inta Hazzard with our crazy Cullens and their sweethearts. Maybe if we cross some fingers or do a little voodoo, we'll git th'rest of the story in a timely manner?

Stop laughin', Jenny.