A/N: This story is Emmett-centric but Jasper, Reneesme, and Esme play major parts. Carlisle, Rosalie, and Alice have supporting roles.

Jacob and Seth put in a brief appearance, but Edward and Bella are absent because, quite frankly, they have four books written about them.

Imagine them taking an extended vacation. Without cell phones. Or the internet. Mabye they're in Botswana.

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-- if you have the inclination or the time, but above all, I hope you don't feel as if you've wasted your time reading this, esp. those who've put me on author alert.

What is That Smell?

Carlisle followed his wife as she searched around their house, sniffing. "Emse darling, what are you looking for?"

Esme stopped. She turned. "Don't you smell that?"

Carlisle inhaled deeply. "Oh." He frowned. "What is that?" Carlisle had grown accustomed to smelling unpleasant things in his line of work.

He must have unconsciously stopped breathing and that's why he hadn't noticed the putrid smell.

He followed behind Esme as she walked to the family room. Reneesme and Emmett were playing a video game.

"I am so kicking your butt!" Reneesme shouted.

"Only because I'm letting you!" Emmett snarled.

Esme and Carlise grimaced. The smell was even stronger in here. Esme stood next to Emmett and sniffed at him.

Emmett cocked his eyebrow at her. "Something I can help you with, Esme?"

Esme took a step back and covered her nose with her hand. "Emmett, what have you been eating?"

He shrugged. "The usual: grizzlies, moose, elk…"

"Hot dogs," Reneesme chimed in.

"What?" Carlisle asked.

"Nessie and Jake bet me I wouldn't eat hot dogs with… "Emmett took his eyes off the large screen momentarily and looked at Reneesme "…what was that stuff?"

"Sauerkraut," Reneesme said.

"Yeah, sow-er crowt." Emmett said the unfamiliar word slowly, sounding out the syllables. "There was chili. And onions too."

"And you swallowed this? All of this?" Carlisle asked.

"That was the bet. And now Nessie and Jake have to wash and detail my Jeep every day for three months."

Emmett gave Reneesme a wicked grin. "And I plan to go mudding ev-e-ry day for the next three months."

Reneesme rolled her eyes at Emmett.

"Emmett, you did purge? Afterward?" Carlisle asked.

Emmett glanced at Carlisle and then looked away. "Uhhh… well, I tried… but, uh… I…"

Esme said, "You need to try again. Harder. Because you stink."

Emmett sighed and said, "Okay. Right after I annihilate—"

"Now."

Emmett laid his game controller down and shuffled toward the downstairs bathroom, not bothering to close the door.

He lifted the toilet seat and stared down into the bowl of blue water. Why was the water blue?

Emmett lifted the cover on the tank and saw a blue disc attached to a plastic hanger. He sniffed at it.

Must be something to make the toilet smell nice. Nessie was the only person who actually used the toilet. Well, Charlie did, whenever he came to visit.

And Jacob. And Seth. Emmett replaced the cover and leaned over the toilet bowl slightly. He shoved his fore and middle finger down his throat.

Nothing.

Just like two days ago.

He tried again.

Maybe if he hung upside down? Like a bat?

Emmett grinned suddenly at that.

He gave up after the third try.

Rosalie pushed Emmett away. "What have you been rolling around in?"

Emmett turned his head away from Rosalie. "Nothing." Damn, swallowing all that toothpaste and mouthwash hadn't done anything to mask the smell of decay wafting up from the pit of his stomach.

"Go take a shower. You smell worse than that dog." Rosalie wrinkled her nose and waved Emmett away from her.

Emmett left their room, knowing a shower wasn't going to touch the stench, and knowing he was probably going to have to "sleep" on the sofa.

The smell threatened to send her to her knees. "Emmett Cullen, what are you looking for? You're making enough noise to wake the dead."

Emmett stopped rummaging through the utensils drawer. "Do we own a turkey baster?"

Esme held her breath and pointed to the drawer farthest from Emmett.

"Yes!" Emmett's grin disappeared when he pulled the turkey baster from the drawer and examined it.

He shoved it down his throat momentarily before withdrawing it. "It's not long enough."

"Stop!"

Emmett's hand froze, hovering over the open drawer.

"Do not put that back in there. Put it in the dishwasher."

Jasper grabbed Emmett by his shirt and hauled him to his feet. "I can't take this. You have to go outside. You're… the smell…" Jasper pulled Emmett toward the back door.

"I tried to make myself puke, but the gag reflexes don't work anymore. I need some kind of pump… like a bilge pump…"

"Come here." Jasper dragged Emmett toward the outside water faucet.

"Hosing me down isn't going to help. I've tried toothpaste… mouthwash… hell, I even swallowed a whole box of breath mints! Nothing helps."

Jasper handed Emmett the water hose. "Shove that down your throat."

Emmett raised his eyebrows at Jasper.

"Trust me. It's going to work."

Emmett did as Jasper instructed. Jasper turned on the spigot and water blasted down Emmett's throat, filling his stomach, distending his belly

until his stomach reached capacity. Reddish-brown water shot from Emmett's mouth and nostrils, along with chunks of shriveled hot dog, soggy segments of bread,

water-logged sauerkraut and onions. The mints had apparently disintegrated and dissolved under the torrent of water.

Reneesme snapped a picture of Emmett. "Nobody is going to believe this."

She took close-up shots of the disgusting things pouring out of Emmett's mouth. "I can't wait to show these to Jake and Seth."

Emmett grinned around the water hose and held up his thumb until...

he felt water soaking the back of his jeans and running down his legs. Emmett motioned for Jasper to cut off the water.

He yanked out the hose and craned his head around to look at his backside. "Ugh, I hope nothing but water came out back there."

"Why don't you drop trou and see?" Reneesme suggested, waggling her camera in her hand.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you, you pervert?" Emmett turned and sloshed toward the house.

"But it'd make a perfect ending to my photo op," Reneesme shouted. Both she and Jasper laughed.

"Har, har, har." Emmett waved them off. He wanted to moon them both, badly, but resisted against it.

Who knew what else besides water was leaking out of him? And Nessie was a fast draw with that camera.

A/N: Oh, it gets more ridiculous, but in a funny way. Apologies for the spacing but I gave up after several fruitless attempts at adding the more eye-pleasing white space.