Indiscriminate Happenings
Fandom: xxxHoLiC
Characters/Pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki, Yuuko
Prompt:11:10- Alien
Rating: T
Chapter Genre: Humour/Romance
Summary: Requested by TheLadyPendragon; In which evil, potentially world dominating felines, closet case Eunuch's, secret Leprechaun's, FBI agents, Inari Zushi, and aliens are discussed and/or thought about.
Disclaimer: By the way, for all those of you who thought that perhaps, in a snowballs chance in hell, I was a part of CLAMP, then I hate to disappoint you. I am deeply sorry, however, there would be no doubt about this couples unity if I was in. No doubt whatsoever.
I

Shizuka pondered why, as he sat outside with his lunch, this particular planets dominant species had such a skewered perception of otherworldly beings; he was wary of using the term aliens because, even with all of the similarities between his race and this one, they were, in his books, the same thing. He considered them, with their lower intelligence and abilities, to be absolute strangers, completely set apart from his own race.

He didn't know why his grandfather had selected him for this mission; he had to be one of the most socially inept people to grace his planet in the entirety of their history.

The objective was observation; learn what he could about the different races and species, catalog the information, then report home when his observation period was over. Only, there was one variable that none of his people could have possibly factored in when they sent him.

Watanuki Kimihiro.

The boy was, for lack of a better word, irresistible to him, drawing him in like no other before on any other world, not even his own. Something about him was addictive and that something had evaded all of Shizuka's attempts to rationalize the feelings. At first he had theorized about pheromones, thinking perhaps he was somehow an anomaly on the planet and that there were many people attracted to him in such a manner. That was crushed when he took a closer look at the people surrounding them, seeing that half of them looked upon the boy with disdain, one quarter were attracted to his mentality and would have sought to make friends with him were it not for the disapproval and rumors about the boy, twelve point five per cent were physically attracted to him and nothing more (mostly males, he realized), ten per cent were indifferent about him, and the last two point five per cent of the population were indecisive about him.

Shizuka wasn't sure if he should include the information in his report.

There were other foreign beings there as well, looking to collect intelligence on this specific planet at the same time as he; his chemistry teacher, a blonde man who insisted that his students call him by what Shizuka assumed was his real name, though it was hard to tell exactly, and who had taken a liking to the gym teacher that seemed to be similar to his own attraction, as well as a motherly affection for Kimihiro himself, Himawari, a girl that enjoyed Kimihiro's presence in a, well, different manner than himself, he admitted that, was also not one of the indigenous beings of this world, Yuuko-san, the manager of the shop Kimihiro worked in, was far too skilled to be one of them, and even the big orange cat living in the same apartment complex as Kimihiro was from another world; he could tell when it glared at him for coming home with the boy. That thing may look and act cut and cuddly, but Shizuka knew the truth. Damn thing was evil. It probably caused the downfall of it's home world and that's why it was living on this one.

That or it just disliked him for some reason, but he was leaning more towards the apocalyptic feline theory.

"Hey! You big glutton, don't just inhale your food like that! You'll choke!"

Did he mention the boy made the most delicious Inari Zushi he had ever tasted? Well, it's true; he was surprised they had his favorite dish in this world.

Shizuka glanced up from his lunch, mouth full (though he remained dignified enough for his cheeks not to puff out like a demented chipmunk with the munchies), and swallowed, grabbing the cup he was using and holding it out to Kimihiro.

"Oi, more."

Kimihiro bristled, glaring and huffing at him, violently snatching the thermos and his cup and tipping it over, paying close attention to what he was doing this time. Last time it had overflowed while he was yelling, staining his uniform and scorching his skin so he had to leave class early to fetch a fresh uniform.

Shizuka admitted that while Kimihiro lacked some common sense he made up for it with higher than average book smarts and the ability to learn (mostly) from his mistakes, a feat less than a quarter of the humans on this planet could boast.

Ah well, not everyone could be so talented.
II

At then end of the day, after a nearly disastrous run in with a hungry spirit (another anomaly it would seem, one that he warded off), they retreated back to Kimihiro's apartment, going in silent and undisturbed. Kimihiro made tea and brought out a jar of fairly fresh, still soft cookies for him to munch on, followed closely by a first aid kit to treat the slash on Shizuka's forearm.

"You're an idiot," the younger boy muttered, a cross expression dominating his facial features. Shizuka hummed, leaning back and relaxing into the cushions Kimihiro had managed to drag out the first time he had come to visit, occasionally sipping his tea. "I mean honestly, who throws themselves in the way like that? You could have gotten your arm sliced clean off, and thenwhere would we be?"

"Dead I assume," Shizuka murmured back, unable to resist sliding his body closer to the blue-eyed boy, dipping his head to press his cheek against Kimihiro's. The smaller teen scoffed and huffed (Shizuka got the feeling his was rolling his eyes), but stayed where he was, allowing the archer to nuzzle against the pale jaw.

"This again," he grumbled, securing the bandage with the metal clasp and gently passing his hand over it, pulling back just enough to look Shizuka in the eyes. Gold met blue and their noses bumped, Shizuka moving in until there was mere millimeters between their lips. "You have weird tastes, you know that, don't you?"

"Of course," Shizuka replied, dropping a chaste peck on the pale mouth, then pressed harder, pushing Kimihiro back onto the floor and hovering over him. The glare and frown on the smaller boys face had morphed into a playful stare and pout, nibbling periodically on his bottom lip in an attempt -one that was working- to tempt Shizuka into further actions. He dropped down, pressing another, longer, kiss onto the mouth that welcomed him wholeheartedly, then thought better of his actions and hesitantly pulled away. "Oi."

Kimihiro grumbled and sighed but looked up at him, seemingly ready to listen to what he had to say. "What?"

"There's something I should probably tell you." Shizuka blinked down at the slender teen as the boy rolled his eyes and reached up to gently flick the broader boys forehead.

"Obviously or you wouldn't be talking." Blue eyes lit up with childish glee and the flicking finger turned into a poking one, gingerly jabbing the tan neck. "Ooh! Let me guess!" Kimihiro pretended to think for a moment, lips pursing and eyes roving across the ceiling. "You are... secretly a Leprechaun."

Shizuka raised and incredulous eyebrow, wondering where exactly that had come from. Kimihiro snickered, chortling with quietly genuine mirth.

"Didn't think so. How about... You're actually a secret agent working for the FBI." Again a shake, this time accompanied by a snort. "Eh, didn't think so." Another minute of thought passed then Kimihiro's eyes flew wide open and his mouth dropped, horrified. Shizuka was taken aback for a second, then understood when the boy burst out abruptly.

"Oh god, you aren't a Eunuch are you?!"

Shizuka glared and grabbed the pale hand gripping his shoulder, shoving it down his pants. That solved that theory rather quickly. They took a moment to calm down, Kimihiro having burst out into uncontrollable laughter after the bold move, pulling his hand out and curling into the larger body raised over top of him.

"Hm, all right, if you aren't an FBI agent, you aren't a Leprechaun, and you aren't a Eunuch, then are you an alien?" A wide grin split over Kimihiro's lips, eyes twinkling happily at their guessing game. "You are, aren't you! I knew it!"

Shizuka shrugged and nodded, belatedly grateful about how easy that had been. Kimihiro paused at the movement, surprise slowly rolling across his face.

Shizuka honestly hadn't thought the boy would faint on him, but he could deal with whatever else was coming tomorrow.
III

Lounging in her shop Yuuko giggled excitedly at the display the two were putting on, giddily clapping her hands. The cat that resided in Kimihiro's apartment building bristled beside her, glaring at the humanoid otherworlder with jealous, violent green eyes. Yuuko sniggered, patting it on the head with a patronizing air.

"Don't be greedy now, you've had your chance."

The feline hissed.
IV
…....... T.T Oh god, this is the end. -Sob- B-b-b-but I don't want it to be!!!! -wail- This is so heartbreaking and exciting all at once! -sniff- Well, I thought I would work extra hard on this one to make it a satisfactory ending for everyone included, and I desperately hope that I did. Besides, the thought of Shizuka being a Eunuch was... entertaining, and spawned from a riveting conversation with a friend of my mothers about neutering goats and men, and how it took six months and that's how she would torture a disgusting pig if he raped her (a suggested scenario from a friend). It was... interesting and possibly enlightening. :) Lol. Then we moved onto the topic of Ostriches and stampedes. It was eye opening, let me tell you. :D Nyah.

-Sigh- I'm going to miss this... T.T By the way, have any of you ever heard of what happens to a cat when you get them high (from pot) then give them catnip? Said to be hilarious. :D