Eighty-Three Reasons Not To Share A Body With Kronos

by Luke Castellan

(Compiled by Sister Grimm and Neko Kuroban)

1.) Basic body functions are a mystery to Kronos.

"What is that pain in my lower abdomen?"

"Um, dude, you have to go the bathroom."

2.) Waxing. The waxing you have to undergo in preparation for sharing your body with a pile of evil black mulch is something fierce. (He doesn't approve of hair. Anywhere, it turns out. And why did the giggling empousai have to do it?)

3.) The awkwardness of trying to have a private thought.

"Man, I wish Thalia was here..."

"What?"

4.) As far as long-lost relatives go, he's pretty sucky.

"You're a terrible great-grandfather! You forgot my birthday!"

"I'm a great parent!"

"You swallowed your children!"

"Why you little ... I'm going to knock you into next week--oh. Right."

5.) No couple time.

"Well, I told Kelli I might be able to steal some 'us' time..."

"NO!"

6.) Speaking of Kelli, she thinks it's "hawt."

7.) Your overlord/body snatcher has disgusting food habits.

"Why must you dip your French fries in Frosties? Why?"

8.) The constant fighting in your head makes it impossible to concentrate on battle plans.

9.) Kronos has terrible fashion sense. Bland gray flannel suits. What the hell is it? The 1950s? Always starched gray suits. Not even a striped tie or a bright dress shirt. Just gray suits. No navy suits. No pinstriped suits. No color variation!

10.) It is impossible to finish sentences. "Ethan, I want you to position the troops up by--your stuck-up arse! No--that was Luke; what he means to say is--I mean exactly what I--No!"

11.) Would it kill him to shave? You're not one of those people who can pull off a full beard. All it does is make you look scruffy and possibly homeless. Besides, since you've never really had facial hair before, it comes in patchy.

12.) He has terrible taste in music.

"You actually went to a Jonas Brothers concert?"

"Their music shall help me recruit the fangirls!"

"Why not something like Green Day? Why? At least their fans are sane!"

13.) He sings in the shower.

"Anything but Womanizer! Even So Yesterday!"

"The satyr stole that one."

14.) He keeps trying to kill popular culture figures who won't give him their autograph.

"I keep telling you, Elton John is a busy man! He needs a moment's notice before you break in through his bathroom window!"

15.) He won't listen to you about country music.

"Man, I Feel Like A Woman is not Rhea's attempt to make you cry. It's really not!"

16.) The prank calls.

"Dude, why must you keep calling Tony Blair? That man has enough problems!"

17.) The refusal to listen to any of your suggestions.

"Let's start small with Eastern Civilization. Then we'll have all its resources to take down Olympus!"

18.) The complete ignorance to any events occuring within the past thousand years.

"So Lee Harvey Oswald was trying to steal the Jack Ruby!"

(headdesk)

19.) He refuses to accept that you're dyslexic. This leads to a lot of headaches.

"Ugh... I keep telling you, it's hard to read with my brain!"

"It's my brain now!"

20.) The pure misery and depression you're left with when you realize what you've done.

21.) Even if you win, you're stuck with the other. For all of eternity. You'll be praying a hero rises up from the ashes.

22.) Showering.

"LOOK AT THE WALL. STOP PEEKING; I KNOW YOU ARE."

23.) Evil overlords believe in eating pizza crust-first. Who knew?

24.) Your preferred pizza toppings? Yeah. Suddenly they're not good enough. He prefers anchovies and olives over something rational. Like, say, chicken and pineapple.

25.) He doesn't believe in drinking Mountain Dew, despite your near-reliance on it. He got a chain e-mail that said it will lower his sperm count and if there is one thing he believes in, it's inbox spam forwarded to him from the people on his contact list, dontchaknow.

26.) Speaking of, his contact list. It's crowded with Nigerian princes promising money if only he gives them your bank account information, charity scammers, Viagara spambots, and his local city council representative.

27.) He's not tanning properly. You're starting to look kind of washed out.

28.) He is fascinated by the history channel. Especially the military history channel available to premium subscribers. He thinks its hilarious to see the things mortals invented to off each other with, whether its rocks or uzis.

29.) Speaking of premium subscribers: pay-per-view.

30.) His new favorite film is The Godfather. All parts, all seven hours of it. He always tears up at the part where the son tries to avenge his father. Not that he would admit to it.

31.) He tried to call Rhea for a pity date.

32.) After Zeus tricked him during the war, Kronos became a strict teetotaler. So much for red cup parties and playing Quarters. He refuses to believe that you're good at Beer Pong and won't let you demonstrate.

33.) He uses eyelash curlers. You have a phobia of things getting too close to your eye, and you're eighty-four percent sure that he does it just to mess with you.

34.) He wears briefs.

35.) When he's not wearing briefs, he's wearing Hello Kitty Boxers.

36.) He likes Mexican food better than Chinese.

37.) He won't read anything fictional written after 1970.

38.) He doesn't tip the waiter.

39.) He's a George Orwell fan.

40.) He got rid of your Corvette to drive a Lexus. And, God, you loved that 'Vette.

41.) He has a man-purse. He insists it's European. Yeah, sure. Whatever.

42.) He never lets you talk.

43.) He once gave his number to a fifteen-year-old. Statutory rape laws, he believes, apply to other people.

44.) He scratched your back with the scythe.

45.) He drinks coffee from Cumberland Farms. He could have at least have the decency to stop at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts. At least it's better than that instant crap he was keen on a week ago.

46.) For that matter, he's convinced Starbucks is trying to take over New York City before he can. Starbucks is winning.

47.) He fears kittens. The downier their fur and the bigger their eyes, the more acute his terror.

48.) He swears pigs flew during his 'Golden Age.'

49.) He doesn't believe in the existance of the pink dolphin.

50.) He's a die-hard Twilighter. He's convinced Edward exists, no matter how many times the empousai tell him that vampires are legends or that Forks, Washington is declared devoid of all supernatural activity (as are Denali, Alaska and Volterra, Italy).

51.) Two words: online poker.

52.) He totally scratched up your My So-Called Life DVDs. (Um, not that those were yours. Really.)

53.) Pop culture in general, actually. The idea of it just eludes him.

54.) He gets in fits about things such as...say, waiting in line for his coffee at a magnitude that had never previously been seen in anyone other than angered thirty-five-year-old soccer moms.

55.) He injects Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

56.) Instead of simply getting up and flipping off the light switch, he removes the light bulb and throws it aside, where it shatters. He replaces it with a new bulb the following day. As a result, he complains often about the cost of light bulbs.

57.) He doesn't sleep. He keeps insisting, "I never had to before." He just doesn't understand that humans require sleep. Now he's complaining of being exhausted. Once he collapsed from exhaustion and thought he lost his memory.

58.) He also insists that changing your clothes is not a daily chore.

59.) Nor is showering.

60.) And you thought Hermes was bad?

61.) He sticks his ice-cream in the microwave for fifteen seconds before eating it; this is lame, no matter how much better that makes the cookie dough kind.

62.) He might just be a Scientologist.

63.) He keeps watching that same documentary about Hitler and the Occult. Over and over and over again.

64.) He put hairspray on his license plate. Just because it's illegal.

65.) He drives like an old man.

66.) Stalking Rhea gets routine after the seventh -- Eighth? Ninth? What day is it, anyway? -- night in a row.

67.) He makes absurd Italian hand gestures.

68.) He flips off old ladies when they drive badly.

69.) He sent "Prove the Existence of Kronos" into Mythbusters. Even though Adam and Jamie can't see through the Mist... right?

70.) His taste in music is terrible.

71.) He's a pretentious twit. C'mon, he uses a friggin' demitasse spoon when he drinks his crappy Cumberland Farms coffee.

72.) The dishes thing. Whatever happened to styrofoam plates that will never witness biodegradation? Eating instant ramen from a mug and macaroni and cheese straight from the pot? Nuking Pop Tarts and mini-pizzas in the microwave because the toaster oven takes too long?

Easy.

Kronos happened. Not only does he not believe in the Holy Temple of Bagel Bites, he rejects all of your college-age tricks to avoid doing the washing up. He can't have a single meal without setting the table with multiple pieces of silverware, and he can't cook without using every single saucepan, wok, tureen, colander, and appliance possible.

"How the hell did you use all these to make that?"

"It's just what I needed."

"...Where did a weedwacker fit in?"

73.) He is legitimately addicted to shopping at Williams-Sonama. So he can buy more appliances and pans and silverware and devices that no one's ever heard of.

74.) He fanboys Rachel Ray, but he prefers Martha.

75.) He keeps taking out credit cards in your name. Your credit rating is officially shot, and you have an appointment with a debt counselor next Monday. That will be fun.

76.) Arguments with him escalate rapidly. You know when you're so angry you start blurring the line between hyperbole and useful threat? Arguments with him jump from "What? No, that's a stupid song. I effin' hate Dean Martin." to "Well, fine! Your taste is clearly superior. Dean Martin is clearly a rock god. My music sucks. Maybe I'll just microwave all my music. Look, look, there goes my iPod. All nine thousand nine hundred and ninety one songs. And there, I just snapped some mix CDs in half. Feel better now?"

77.) He shakes his head at "your silly societal conventions."

78.) Apparantly, you're a slob.

"Are you aware that my shower is purple?"

"Yes, I did. I used something produced by the military to scrub it, and it stripped the color from the tile."

"Huh. Ooooo. 'Kay."

"Well, maybe if you had cleaned it once in awhile..."

79.) He lacks your quick wake up time.

80.) The fact that he doesn't have a tangible body of his own makes it really difficult to collect on all of those missed birthdays and Christmases.

81.) You had no idea what you were getting into when you joined The Titans. At least the gods didn't want to get giant pocket-watches tattoed on their--excuse me, your--back.

82.) True love is kinda impossible.

83.) Oh, God! Isn't this enough? Don't do it, people! Let me be a horrible warning!