Bloopers 6 : The Elite Guard (ep 17)

'Issac Sundac's office, please hold. Issac Sundac's office, please hold. Geez, who'd have thought being a secretary would be so much work?' Bumblebee huffed to himself, flopping down at his new "temporary" desk.

'Issac Sundac's office, please... Megatron? How did you get this number? No, I'm not engaging in phone sex with you! I don't care how hot you think secretary bots are... No, I will not send you a provocative picture of me in a secretary outfit!' Bumblebee pushed the disconnect button on his audio and sighed loudly.

'Bumblebee, you're not hanging up on people, are you?' Sari called from the next room.

'No! I wouldn't do that,' the minibot lied, wincing at her tone.

'Ugh, hold my calls, I'm going on break,' Sari grumbled, walking past the secretary desk.

'Okay, boss lady. Want me to come too?' Bee asked, straightening.

'No, you stay here and keep answering the phone. And remember, be nice. Really nice. Like super, duper nice,' Sari commented as she walked out the door.

'Super, duper nice, huh?' Bumblebee grinned, connecting to the video phone and dialing up a familiar number.

'Longarm Prime's office... Bumblebee? Where are you calling from?' the red minibot on the screen asked, looking surprised.

'Earth. Guess who's playing secretary-bot today,' Bee smirked, winking at his old friend.

'You're doing data-storage work? Are you sure they didn't hire you to look pretty and seduce customers?' Cliffjumper shot back.

'Hey, I'm not that bad at it. So, can you patch me into Longarm's vid-phone?' Bumblebee asked.

'Yeah, sure. Do me a favor and wear him out so that I can actually get some work done,' the red mini-bot begged, looking exhausted.

'Wish I had your job, Cliff. Sitting at a desk all day, fending off advances from my boss... or not. I'd totally give in if my boss as Longarm,' Bee groaned, stroking his chest-plates.

'You try doing this vorn after vorn... actually, you'd probably enjoy it even more. I'm patching you through now,' Cliffjumper sighed.

Bumblebee turned away from the screen, taking a moment to quickly shine his chest-plates. Good thing too, cause he completely missed see Shockwave turn back into Longarm. Spinning back around, he flashed a huge grin at his on-and-off lover on the screen

'Bumblebee, I didn't expect to get a call from you,' Longarm commented, looking a bit flustered.

'Wanna play boss and naughty secretary-bot, Longarm?' Bee purred, leaning back in his chair to run his fingertips over his spark cover in a provocative way.

I love my job Longarm/Shockwave thought to himself as he nodded at the hot little mech on screen to begin.

"Robots... why did it have to be robots" Fanzone groaned.

"Please stand down, Captain Fanzone. They are not your enemies," Optimus commented, stepping closer to the spacecraft.

"You know these guys, Prime?" the chief asked, glaring up at the Autobot leader next to him.

"Of course. Ultra Magnus is our respected commander and bonded to Ratchet. Jazz, the visored mech, is Prowl's bonded. Sentinel, the blue mech next to him, is my own bonded," Optimus sighed the last part with a tiny bit of irritation.

"Bonded?" Fanzone blinked at the term.

"You know, they're married," Bumblebee explained.

"WHAT?"

"Sentinel Prime, decontaminate Optimus Prime and his crew," Ultra Magnus ordered, heading back inside the ship.

'With pleasure, sir,' the blue mech grinned, casting a heated look at the repair crew.

'Yeah, I don't think so. I'll be washing my Prowl, thank you very much,' Jazz sent a look at his teammate who just shrugged. After all, 4 out of 5 wasn't bad.

'You heard him. We're not going to touch you when you're covered with slimy organic stuff,' Sentinel grouched, keeping a foot away from the tri-colored Prime.

'This really isn't necessary, Sentinel,' Optimus struggled not to roll his optics. Why was he bonded to this mech again?

'Yeah, gonna wash that dirty mouth out. Wash it out good,' Sentinel smirked to himself as he lead the repair bots into through the ship.

'I can see how this day's going to end,' Optimus sighed, shaking his helm.

'Hey Prowl, looking good,' Jazz smiled at his mate.

'Thank you, Jazz. I am glad you are well,' the smaller ninja offered his bonded a smile.

'I wish Longarm was here,' Bumblebee sighed, walking next to Bulkhead.

'At least you're engaged. I'm not even close to being bonded,' Bulkhead exclaimed, looking a little down.

'Aw, don't worry big guy. Some day you'll meet that perfect mech or femme and then you'll have a bunch of little sparklings running around,' the golden bot exclaimed.

'I hope so, Bee,' Bulkhead sighed wistfully.

(me thinks Sentinel enjoys bathing the autobots way too much)

'Sentine... glub!' Optimus sputtered when his bonded sprayed him right in the face.

'Yeah, washing out that dirty mouth... Hey you, tiny! Step out from behind your overgrown pal!' Sentinel commanded.

Bumblebee shivered as he felt the pervy mech's optics on his chassis.

'Boss bot, why are you bonded to that guy again?' the scout asked, huddling closer to Bulkhead.

'There's a reason you shouldn't get overcharged and intimate. Too late now. Sometimes you just have to live with what you get,' Optimus commented, getting another spray to the face.

'I heard that! Now take it like a real bot,' Sentinel smirked.

'They're trapped. Held against their will. You gotta get them out!' Sari pleaded with the captain.

'Nahnahnah, I ain't about to provoke an intergalactic incident. Especially if they're married to those robots. Who knows what kind of marriage customs they have. Best to let them sort this out themselves, as long as they're not wrecking my city,' Fanzone said, waving his men back.

'Married?' Sari blinked.

So if it's all the same to you, I'd prefer to hear the story quickly so I can have some private time with my mate,' Ultra Magnus commanded, staring hard at Sentinel.

'Yes sir,' the blue mech looked away, trying to avoid thinking about his commander and the old medic in... oh gross, he just thought about it! Old mech sex!

'During our battle upon the Autobot ship, I was able to download... a video of the bots helping to bathe one another in the communal showers. Yes, Autobots are quite fond of helping one another out...' Megatron smirked, playing the video for his crew.

'Intriguing. I wonder if any of them are unbonded,' Cold Blitzwing mused aloud.

'Now Blitzwing, you know that doesn't matter in the slightest. A Decepticon takes what he desires, even if it belongs to another,' Megatron reminded his comrades.

(screw space bridge schematics. Megatron would be too busy looking for pictures of Autobots in the showers... especially an attractive Prime like Optimus)

'Come on, boss bot. Why don't you stand up for yourself?' Bulkhead urged.

'Because he knows his place,' Sentinel smirked.

'Oooooh. He's so going to be sleeping on the couch tonight,' Bee whispered to Bulkhead.

'Dinobots destroy annoying blue bot!' Grimlock snarled, transforming into his mech mode, flaming sword slicing through the air.

'Enough!' Ultra Magnus raised his rod and lightning shot out of it, crackling over the heads of the entire group.

The Dinobots were so shocked, they transformed back into beast mode and stared at the Autobot leader.

'Me Grimlock like big, strong lightning bot,' the T-rex suddenly exclaimed, stepping closer to rub his head against Ultra Magnus' side.

'Uh... that's nice, Grimlock. Now, Ultra Magnus really needs to be going now,' Optimus tried to intervene.

'Hmmm... okay. Me Grimlock retreat, but only because pretty bot say so,' the T-rex turned and bounded into the bushes, followed by his group.

'How dare he call you pretty!' Sentinel growled, glaring after the beast mechs.

'The classic Metallikato Five Servos of Doom attack. And just when I thought you couldn't get any hotter. But, have you seen this one?' Jazz twirled into his own fancy attack, leaving Prowl stunned.

'Jazz...' the black and gold ninja whispered as his bonded landed next to him.

'Yeah?'

'I want you, right now,' Prowl groaned.

'Want you too, Prowler. But we're a little busy right at the moment,' the visored ninja grinned, pecking his lover on the lips.

'Are they kissing?' Sari exclaimed.

'Well, they are bonded,' Bumblebee answered.

'Autobots, disengage and retreat. For I am the master of thunder and lightning and will defeat these evil minibots of doom!' Ultra Magnus raised his hammer into the sky, calling the thunderclouds to his aid.

'Wow, now I get why they call you ULTRA Magnus,' Bumblebee said aloud, staring at the commander's shiny body... I mean, the lightning.

'Keep your optics in your head, youngling. That's my bonded you're leering at,' Ratchet grumbled, but he too was enjoying the free show.

'That was a direct order, Optimus!'

'It's Optimus Prime. The last time I checked, you and I still had equal rank. So Sentinel PRIME, take your order and your condescending attitude and stick it in your hard drive! Oh, and if you expect to get any this century, start treating me with some pit-slagging respect! You're on my turf now,' the tri-colored Prime shoved his bonded back and strode across the room to help Sari.

(Finally. Optimus stood up for himself. He lets Sentinel boss him around way too much)

...the end...

Author's Note: Yep, gonna end there for today. Enjoy the update! (ps: I not-so-secretly love Ultra Magnus x Ratchet. I bet Magnus couldn't resist sexy, medic Ratchet when they were both younger. And they aged into a sweet, old bonded couple)