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Parody:

Tess Of The D'Urbervilles

By Thomas Hardy

Phase The Second: MAIDEN NO MORE

Tess: I'm heigh-ho-ing out of here!

Alec: *chases her* Why were you sneaking off like this? Not telling anyone?

Tess: Wow… you really are an idiot.

Alec: Why did you come here anyway? Not for my love, that's for sure.

Tess: I didn't realise your intention until it was too late.

Alec: That's what every woman says.

Reader: *outraged* 'Every woman'? How many has he done this to?

Hardy: Tee hee, I'm a genius.

Alec: *surprisingly, apologizes*

Tess: *unsurprisingly, does not accept*

Alec: I fear you'll never love me.

Tess: What are you, retarded? Of course I won't, fool!

Alec: Let me kiss you goodbye.

Tess: *mechanically allows him to do so*

Alec: Well, you are absurdly melancholy, Tess!

Tess: Gee, I wonder why that is.

Alec: *finally leaves*

Reader: Thank goodness for that. Now Tess can get back on track.

Hardy: *coughs* Of course.

Random man: *skips along merrily*

Tess: *tries to ignore the man's blatant disregard for Hardy's created atmosphere*

Random man: Wait for me while I do this stile.

Tess: *waits, for some unknown reason, for this random stranger*

Random man: *has been writing rather bleak spiritual messages on stiles*

Stile: "Thy, damnation, slumbereth, not."

Tess: I don't like your extracts! They're crushing, killing!

Reader: You spoke my mind.

Man: That's what they're meant to do.

Reader: …This is supposed to be an incentive to join Christianity? Personally, no offence, but I'd rather stick to the more uplifting stuff, thanks.

Random man: Aha, another blank canvas! Wait for me?

Tess: No.

Reader: Phew.

Joan: So, you and D'Urberville getting married?

Tess: No. *tells mother all*

Joan: And… you're not getting married?

Tess: Wha…? Did you just hear a single word I said?

Joan: You should have thought of your family, instead of yourself for once!

Tess: …Why do you think I went out there in the first place?

Joan: If you weren't going to marry him, you should have been more careful!

Tess: My mother… is a moron.

Joan: Word: Bitch. Definition: Me.

Townspeople: For some unexplainable reason, we are jealous that Tess was raped.

Tess: For some unexplainable reason, I am starting to believe that it is worthy of envy.

Hardy: *writes lengthy description of surroundings and seems to nearly introduce Tess to the reader with her lengthy description as well*

Reader: …This is reading like chapter one.

Hardy: But! There's a twist. Patience, my disciples.

Reader: What was that?

Hardy: Nothing! *under breath* Well, you all soon will be anyway.

Tess' sister: *hands Tess her baby*

Reader: Whaaaaaaaaaaat? A baby?

Hardy: Told you.

Tess: *manages to kiss the baby with both contempt and passion*

Reader: …How does one do that, anyway?

Hardy: Like that *points to Tess*

Reader: Helpful.

Random women: She loves the baby, although she says she hates it.

Reader: This girl is messed up.

Hardy: It gets worse.

Reader: Stop torturing the poor girl!

Hardy: Where's the fun in that?

Reader: *sighs*

Baby: *ill*

Tess: The baby hasn't been baptised! Send for the parson!

John: No! You have disgraced this family! No parson shall enter this house! …Flip, I'm such a tool.

Tess: *shows great initiative* Screw tradition! Mother's shit-load of children, let's baptise the baby ourselves!

Baby: *Does not have a name*

Tess: I baptise thee, Sorrow.

Baby: You call that a name? Thanks, mum. *dies*

Shit-load of children: *cry*

Reader: *cries* Is the book going to be this depressing the whole way through?

Hardy: Finally getting it, are you?

Vicar: *refuses to bury Sorrow*

Reader: *outraged*

Tess: Will it be just the same if I bury him?

Vicar: *unsure* Yes, it will be the same.

Reader: Okay, he's not so bad.

Tess: *buries Sorrow in the Churchyard of Mass Symbolism*

Hardy: "Tess felt the pulse of hopeful life still warm within her…"

Reader: *scoffs* Hope? Didn't think that was in your dictionary.

Hardy: Ha, ha *eye roll*

Tess: *gets invitation to go and work as a milkmaid*

Dairy: *is near D'Urberville residences*

Reader: I smell something unpleasant on the wind.

Hardy: Please. In this novel, the wind is always full of the unpleasant.

End of Phase The Second

A/N: Please review!