Ending

The tapping of his fingers on the metallic surface produced the dullest sounds he had ever heard. And once he stopped, there was nothing again. In the silence of his room, and in the dark, only one thing truly kept him company.

Why?

He'd had too much of that word. It was everywhere, flooding everything. Why did it have to be this way? Why didn't he know what to do with it? Why didn't it feel complete to him at all? It had ended, yet he was still…

There were too many questions, and so few answers. Maybe that was what hurt the most. Even more than the things he couldn't take back anymore. Because if he didn't know how to answer his own questions, he was really trapped, wasn't he? Another question.

It was funny how, left alone between four walls, a man would start to think. Why were humans made this way, this weak? Their will amounted to nothing. He should know, after all.

Lyle Dylandy. Gundam Meister. A man who couldn't do anything in the end.

Would this have been different for a 'superior' existence – for an Innovator? If their roles had been reversed, would Anew be here, in this bed, staring at the ceiling like he was now? Would she also turn away from it, hoping to leave the images behind, even for a second? Or would she be stronger, more capable to find her answers, just because she had been one of them?

Those scenes… They replayed in his head, over and over again. No matter which side he turned on or which corner he slumped in, regardless of whether he closed his eyes or kept them open. This was an experience burned into himself, a personal thing nothing would ever be able to erase. Something akin to the death of his family, but at the same time… different.

Would moving around accomplish anything? Hitting Setsuna F. Seiei until both of them were equally worn out. Thinking of shooting Setsuna F. Seiei – or, better yet, of tearing all those Innovators to pieces. Even doing all of that… None of it had – none of it would – bring Anew back.

"I know that." With no one there to hear, but himself… His fingers dug so deep into the sheets it hurt. "I know that, and yet…"

Was she ever really there at all? Every day…

She smiled. She waved. She talked, in that disciplined way of hers. Sometimes, she blushed, or took certain comments awkwardly. Yes, she had been there, and that had been enough. No, more than just enough. Because she was there, her existence made contact with his own and, if only ever so slightly at times, their worlds intersected, reshaping each other. Until no other pieces would fit there.

And he? He had only taken her for granted. He only gave her bits and pieces, one at a time, on such a casual tone. A smile, an excuse, a story kept short. Because he liked that feeling of giving something, and because he wanted it to last. Forever.

The problem was that he had felt generous then. He shared with her more of himself than he would have with anyone else, and now it still seemed so little. There were so many things he could have still said to her, so much they could have shown each other. He could have held on even tighter. Why hadn't he just given her everything right then?

Anew. I'm a selfish man.

It seemed ridiculous to think he would have cared, for even a moment, that she was an Innovator. It had been then, of all times, that he had wanted to never let go the most. Because it reminded him that he could lose her. As easily as he had.

Maybe even then, he could have still done more. He should have been faster. He should have decided sooner what he wanted.

Anew. I wanted you.

Yes, he was a selfish man. And a selfish man will lose exactly what he wants the most.