Hey guys, this is it the last part of the spoof. I'll miss writing it. I hope you all enjoy this last part. Thanks to everyone who reviewed up until now.

As always R&R!

Scene 1

Enter ROMEO

ROMEO;I had another bad dream! I dreamt that I was sleeping peacefully but then Judith decided to kiss me! Ewwww. Cooties. Well, hopefully this awful dream will mean my luck will change from bad to good.

He genuinely believes this. Enter BALTHASAR, Romeo's servant.

ROMEO; Balthasar! My brother from another mother! Any news from Verona? Has Mercutio risen from the dead? Any heartfelt letters from the Friar? Has Juliet done the sensible thing and married the Count?

BALTHASAR; Dreadful news sir-

ROMEO; Oh, are you not my brother anymore? Have you finally gotten the operation? That's cool, I'll just greet you as my sister from another mister.

BALTHASAR; No, I haven't had the operation yet, sadly. The dreadful news of which I speak is this-

He pauses for dramatic effect.

BALTHASAR; YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!

A long silence follows.

ROMEO; Meh.

BALTHASAR; She left you some stuff too.

ROMEO; Oooooh! Anything pretty?

BALTHASAR; Some vanilla body wash, an eyelash curler and a half eaten lipstick.

ROMEO; Nice! Today is gonna be a good day! I can feel it. How shall I obtain these rare valuables?

BALTHASAR; They are placed beside her corpse in the Capulet tomb. You can collect them on your way out after weeping at her motionless side.

ROMEO; Yeah, I might skip that part. Shall we get going? I need to stop somewhere first.

BALTHASAR; Fine by me. Where are we stopping off?

ROMEO; At the apothecary's. Just in case Juliet's not really dead, I should bring poison to make sure she doesn't come back to claim her property. By property I mean me and the stuff she left.

BALTHASAR; Dude, isn't that a bit too far?

ROMEO; It's never too far with me. For I am Romeo and my idiocy knows no boundaries.

Scene 2

Enter FRIAR JOHN

FJ; Hey Friar Lawrence! Hear any dirty stories in confession recently?

Enter Friar Lawrence.

FL; Yes, as a matter of fact-no wait! I mustn't become distracted. Have you heard from the Annoying One?

FJ; Yeah…about that, well there was a plague between here and Mantua so I couldn't gain access to the city. So I didn't get a chance to deliver this note to Romeo.

He gives the note back to Friar Lawrence. It reads;

Dearest imbecile,

As much as it pains me to say this, you must return to Verona at once as the lady Juliet will be awaiting your arrival in the Capulet tomb. I gave her a powerful sleeping potion so she would appear dead, so that you could rescue her and elope.

P.S Did you know that she has a serious future in writing girl-on-girl smut? I thought that piece of information would come in handy if you have no other income. Anyway, get here on time or I will personally hunt you down and kill you.

I sincerely hope we never meet again in this life or the next,

Friar Lawrence.

FL; Oh great! Now he won't show up to help the crazy girl and there is a very real risk that he may come looking for me in the future. Dammit all! Bring me a crowbar Friar, we've got a private family tomb to break into!

FJ; I'm on it!

Scene 3

Enter a grieving PARIS who cannot come to terms with what has happened.

PARIS; We would have been so happy…I would have cut out the pain and replaced it with happiness. But alas…now you must join your cousin in death…

He weeps pitifully. I don't find this man's pain amusing. I just feel it's necessary to show how bad a choice Juliet made. Paris's Page whistles, signalling for him to hide as people are approaching. Paris retires.

Enter Romeo and Balthasar, with a torch, a mattock and a crow of iron.

ROMEO; Hey, where are the treats?

BALTHASAR; Maybe they'll pop out of her mouth when you finish grieving at her side.

Romeo, simpleton that he is, doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

ROMEO; Great idea! You can go now, hopefully this won't take long.

BALTHASAR; You're screwed up in the head, man!

ROMEO; Thanks, this is my natural hair colour. Well see ya soon!

Balthasar retires.

ROMEO; Well Juliet, you were one swell girl………

Romeo tries to think of comforting and meaningful words that will make him cry but fails. In a final attempt to get free make-up from a(seemingly) dead corpse, he takes a pair of tweezers from his jacket pocket and pokes himself in the eye. Low and behold, tears start to flow.

ROMEO; Ow! God that hurts!

He begins to open the tomb.

PARIS; Get away from my fiancéé's tomb you grave robber! Why can you not show any respect for the dead?!

ROMEO; Hey, get your own free stuff! Leave now or I'll knife you good!

PARIS; You little prick! I'll teach you some manners!

They fight and Paris falls and dies. Romeo is horror struck.

ROMEO; OMG! He was Mercutio's kinsman! I could have made him mine and gotten the next best thing to Mercutio!

In your wildest dreams.

He opens the tomb and lays Paris the Superior To This Dipshit inside. He is crying for real now, distraught at having mercilessly killed such a fine specimen of a man.

ROMEO; Why????? Where have all the good men gone?

He continues sobbing, self-pityingly.

Then he looks up at Juliet's mouth.

ROMEO; Huh, still no free stuff. Dang it. Jeez, all this crying is making me thirsty.

He reaches into his bag for some Coke but, being a noob, he takes out the poison and drinks.

Jackass.

ROMEO; I feel strange…oh noes! I drank the poison! Mercutio's ghost, I call on thee! Help me fight against this and remain alive!

Enter Mercutio's ghost who drags Romeo's soul deep down into death with him all the while muttering;

MERCUTIO'S GHOST; This is for Tibikins and Paris and Juliet and EVERYONE who has ever suffered on account of your stupidity.

ROMEO'S GHOST; Yay! Mercutio is bringing me to heaven with him!

MERCUTIO'S GHOST; Sigh…….

Enter Friar Lawrence. He see's Romeo's corpse and feigns disappointment.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Oh no….however will I function without Romeo at my side….

Bursts out laughing. Juliet awakens. He recovers himself.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; My dear, you're alive! Good news- Romeo killed himself!

JULIET; WHAT? No! I must honour his memory by spreading word of our love and how you married us without our parents consent!

Friar takes this as a threat and realises that his existence would be a lot easier without either of the teenagers to jeopardise his job. He hands Juliet a dagger and attempts to drop subtle hints.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So I'm gonna take off now…don't do anything foolish like KILLING YOURSELF while I'm gone.

Exit Friar. Juliet holds the dagger to her heart and whispers sweet nothings into a dead Romeo's ear.

JULIET; Now we can be together forever without anything to stand in our way…

She stabs herself and dies.

Enter their parents.

CAPULET; You know, this feud has gotten way out of hand. Wanna meet up for drinks next week?

MONTAGUE; I don't see why not….

For ne'er was a tale of more woe than this of emo Juliet and her cross-dressing Romeo.

Feedback is welcome! Hope you enjoyed the crazy thrill-ride!

Brat Princess.=)