"It's not that you matter any less to me or anything," said Stan as he stroked my back. As embarrassing as it was, I was crying. I know that I'm a guy and we're not supposed to cry, but Stan had been my boyfriend for frickin' years. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know who else to be other than Stan Marsh's boyfriend. "Kyle, you'll always be my best friend."

Oh yeah right. Who bought the whole "let's just be friend spiel?" I pushed his comforting hand away. "Just leave me alone Stan."

Several minutes passed, the only sound in my room was the intermittent revving of my computer's fan. I sniffed and wiped my nose with my sleeve. I was willing the tears to crawl back into my eyes and for my face to cool down so that he couldn't see how much hurt he was causing me. Finally he understood that I really did want him to leave and he stood up. I felt the bed dip slightly as he rose reminding me of other times spent with him here in much happier situations. Just thinking about that made me want to cry more.

I didn't look at him as he spoke from somewhere above me. "I'm so sorry Kyle. I hope that we can still be friends… someday." When I didn't say anything, Stan left my room, carefully shutting the door behind him.

I waited until I heard the front door close before I finally just bawled. I covered my head with my pillow and wept until it felt like my poor heart would stop beating.

&&&

Stan had been considerate enough to dump me on Friday, so I had the whole weekend to lounge in my misery before having to face him at school again. My mother begged and cajoled, anything to get me to tell her what was wrong, but I couldn't have done that without telling her what had been making me so happy the past four years. Somehow coming out to my mother was even worse than being banished from my mate's life. I really did see Stan that way, my mate. I know that most people don't end up marrying their first loves, but I wanted to be one of the statistical few.

Monday morning I pull my cap down over my frizzy hair, take a deep breath, and begin the walk to the bus stop. It is fucking cold as usual and I kick at the snow that is on the ground as I walk. This will be the worst part – the first day at school after the breakup. Not only is there seeing Stan at the bus stop and knowing that I can't hold him or kiss him, but there's also having everyone at school finding out about us. There'll be sympathetic words and some whispered taunts. They'll want to know why Stan dumped me. Well, if they find out, they can pass it on to me. As far as I'm concerned, all my classmates can go fuck themselves. I am so just going through the motions at this point.

I arrive at the bus stop in time despite my increasingly slowed footsteps. There he is, my now ex-boyfriend. He looks beautiful. Our eyes meet and he smiles at me. "Morning Kyle."

"Yeah," I reply. I stand far from him though, using Cartman's big body as a barrier.

"Hi guys," says Kenny. He arrives just behind me.

Cartman watches the interaction, or lack thereof, between Stan and I. So far he has yet to say a word and I am so dreading when he finally decides to.

"Did you guys see that show on last night? Man, I could watch skateboarders fall down all fucking day," says Kenny.

"You'd think you'd get tired of all that violence," suggests Stan. He has a point too. Even with all the horrible, atrocious deaths that Kenny has suffered, he doesn't seem put off by seeing it happen to others. Wait, maybe I understand after all.

"Yeah, it's cool when people get hurt," says Cartman. He pronounces 'cool' like 'kewl.' Man, I hate his little habits.

The bus comes then and we bustle into it. Our bus driver is okay; he's certainly a lot less of a bitch than Mrs. Crabtree was. I watch as Cartman and Kenny take their joint seat and start to panic when Stan sits down. Oh man, I so don't want to sit next to him. If I get a whiff of his shampoo, I swear that I will fucking lose it right here on this bus. Stan looks up at me expectantly. How can he just expect me to act as if Friday didn't happen?

"Um, I'm gonna…" I start to explain, but can't, so I shut up. Instead of defending my actions, I go ahead and just turn around and take the empty seat behind the bus driver. No one ever wants the seats in the front row. I feel really retarded as the bus gets under way.

The bus is noisy, but a lot quieter than it is on the way home. Kids are still waking up in the morning, by afternoon they're like caged animals.

I handled that really badly. I'm beating myself up a bit just knowing that my friends are back there and they saw how stupid I acted. Perhaps Stan is telling them right now about the break up. Well, whatever. I dig through my bag and pull out Pride and Prejudice, the advanced placement English class's book of the month.

"Kyle?" Kenny creeps onto the seat next to me. "Are you okay?"

No, I am totally not okay. "I just… I couldn't sit there with him."

I stare at my book though I don't comprehend any of the words that my eyes are focused on. I can feel Kenny looking at me. "Did you two have a fight?"

I swallow a lump of tears in my throat. God, that happens quickly. I meet Kenny's eyes, the only visible things behind his parka. He's always been such a good friend and listener, even with all the troubles that he goes through. I'm suddenly very grateful for Kenny McCormick. "We… we broke up."

"Dude…" exclaims Kenny. It's just like him to seize the gravity of the situation so quickly. Well, Stan and I have been dating all high school and most of junior high, so a lot of people will be surprised. "That sucks."

"Yeah," I agree.

My book is knocked to the floor of the bus as Kenny suddenly lunges at me and gives me very awkwardly positioned hug. His puffy coat makes a little sound as he squishes me really tightly. I'd probably have the wind knocked out of me if it wasn't for the fact that he was also hugging my left arm. "Dude!" I yelp.

I can hear some nearby kids laughing and I feel embarrassed. I look around to see that a good chunk of the bus is watching; I can't see as far back as Stan and Cartman are. "Um, Kenny…"

He looks up at me from my chest, arms still wrapping tightly. "Do you feel better?"

Kenny is so weird. "Um, yeah."

That gets him off of me finally, but he still leaves a hand disturbingly on my leg. "Why did you break up?"

The bus pulls up at the school then and I don't think I'd really want to pour my heart out on it anyway. "I'll tell you later," I promise.

Being at the front of the bus has its advantages since I don't even see Stan as I dash to class. Now all those classes that I was so happy to share with him are going to be little 50-minute torture sessions. Well, I will just have to deal with each day as it comes, but if I can get through this one, the others will have to be easier. I hope.

&&&

Lunchtime turns out to not be as emotionally traumatizing as I had expected, since Stan isn't even in the cafeteria. I sit next to Kenny and opposite Cartman. I see that Cartman has a smirking grin across his face. Fine then, he's heard. I knew that he was going to be a shit about it, so I will just abide his derision.

"Hey Kyle," says Kenny in a voice that is gratingly sweet. "How are you doing?"

I fiddle with the food on my tray to avoid Cartman's delighted eyes. "I'm okay, thanks."

"You wanna sneak into a movie tonight?" asks Kenny. The only way that Kenny can go to the theater is if he sneaks in, since he's so poor.

"Nah, I was kind of thinking I'd stay home tonight."

"I understand," sighs Kenny. He places a hand on my shoulder. This touchy-feely stuff from Kenny is already getting old.

I glance at Cartman who by this point is practically bursting with glee. His cheeks are rosy with delight and his grin looks nearly cartoonish. I feel my own cheeks redden with anger. He is such an asshole.

"Maybe I could come over tonight and we could talk…" persists Kenny.

Cartman snorts with laughter. I glare at him. He doesn't notice because he's so overcome with a case of the giggles. "Cartman…" I growl through gritted teeth. This only feeds the fire, though, since it just makes him last harder.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I yell.

Cartman wipes a tear out of the corner of his eye. "I'm just…so happy Kyle…so happy."

"You are such a fat fucking dick!" I rage at him. I grab up my lunch tray. "Fuck you Cartman."

As I storm off, I hear Cartman say to no one in particular, "I just feel so good when Kyle is unhappy," before bursting into laughter again.

Still, it could have gone worse I guess. I mean, Stan could have been there. That would have been worse.

&&&

The rest of the school day went okay. The classes that I shared with Stan were kind of awkward, but I made it through. As I had thought, the noise level of the bus on the way back home pretty much made it impossible to think or mope. Kenny sat beside me again, but luckily for me he didn't try and give me a bear hug. Instead, we passed the ride pleasantly enough with small talk. Despite his insistence, I turned him down for hanging out. I just wanted to crawl under my blankets after this painful day, but it was nice of him to ask.

When I get into my room, I log onto IM out of habit and then wonder if Stan will log on. I've been trying to avoid him all day, but now I'm just missing him. God it would be so nice to hear his voice. Have I already reached the point of calling him all creepy-like and then hanging up?

I hover around the keyboard knowing damn well that I'm the first one home from school anyway. I decide to kill some time with a long hot shower. The water is invigorating, but being naked just makes me feel that much more vulnerable. I cry for the millionth time in the last three days. The water washes away the snot from my nostrils. I place my hand on the tiled wall, just feeling its smoothness. I feel like a trauma victim; the world looks so different than it did on Thursday. The colors in my world are muted now and the tiles feel as cold and lonely as I am.

I do feel a bit better after getting out of the shower, but dammit, no one has IM'ed me. I pull out my textbooks and try and carry on my normal routine of homework. It's actually not that hard, kind of soothing in a way. I find European history to be really fascinating and I've been enjoying learning about it. Minus the long phone calls with Stan, things are actually feeling kind of normal. I do my homework until dinner where I sit and feign interest in the things that my mom goes on about. She knows that I'm still blue, but she isn't pushing the issue anymore. She probably just assumes that I'll tell her in time. Psh. Fat fucking chance there.

Ike coaxes me into watching the History Channel with him. They're showing a special on Russian politics. He has always been so into politics, even when he was still in Kindergarten. I find the show to be too dry, but it's nice to just spend time vegging out, even if it is educational. Plus, I don't spend very much time with Ike, since I spend pretty much all my free time with Stan. Maybe I've been neglecting other aspects of my life.

Before bed I check my computer. There were a few old messages from Kenny; his family still has dial-up so he's never online very long. I see that Cartman is set to away. He's probably still laughing at my misery. Unfortunately, the one person whose name means the most to me is a faded grey color indicating that he isn't online. Stan… I wonder what he's doing.

I brush my teeth, say my prayers, and let my emotional exhaustion carry me off into dreamland.