Kanna: Here's my new story!! It has one of my favorite Avenue Q songs!!

Splendid: I'm in it?

Kanna: Yep!! I don't own anything in this story, nothing. Got that Mondo Media?

Splendid: You're not going to make me do something stupid are you, like in your other story?

Kanna: No! Not at all… wait… yes.

Splendid: I hate you.

(Kanna pulls out a paper with about forty names on it)

Kanna: Join the club.

If You Were Gay

Splendid, who just finished cleaning his small home started to sit down and relax. "Ah, all finish. Now I can have an afternoon off with my favorite book "Superman: The Musical." No one here to brother me, how wonderful is this?" Just that second Toothy busted through the front door yelling, "Hi Splendid!!" Splendid sighed and angrily said "Hi Toothy." Toothy went to over Splendid saying "Hey Splendid you'll never guess what happened to me on the train today. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me…" Splendid interrupted saying "That's just great." Toothy ignored this and continued "Yeah, he was being real friendly and I think he was coming on to me!! I think he thought I was… gay." Splendid immediately stopped reading and protested "Well, why are you telling me this?!? Why should I care?!? I don't care, what'd you have for lunch today?!?" Toothy looked surprised and said "Well you don't have to get defensive about…" Splendid got mad and screamed "I'm not getting defensive!!" He calmed down and said "Why should I care about a gay guy you met I am trying to read." Toothy looked at him and said "I didn't mean anything by it Splendid I just think it should be something we can be able to talk about." Splendid became mad again and said "Well I don't want to talk about Toothy this conversation is over." Toothy said "But Splendid…" Splendid interrupted saying "Over!!" Toothy began to say "Okay But just so you know…

If You Were Gay

By Avenue Q

(Toothy's singing is in bold, Splendid's in italics.)

If you were gay

that'd be okay.

I mean 'cause, hey
I'd like you anyway.

Because you see,
if it were me,
I would feel free

to say that I was gay

(But I'm not gay.)

Splendid gripped his book tightly saying,

Toothy, please!
I am trying to read…

Toothy continued to look at Splendid until he turned around and shouted,

What?!

If you were queer,

Ah, Toothy!

I'd still be here,

Toothy, I'm trying to read this book.

year after year,

Toothy!!

beacsue you're dear to me.

Ahh!!

And I know that you,

What?

would except me too,

I would?

if I told you today

"Hey!! Guess what,

I'm gay!!

(But I'm not gay.)

Toothy went over to Splendid and hugged him singing,

I'm happy

just being with you.

Splendid tried to continue reading saying,

Superman, Pal Joey...

So what should it

matter to me

what you do in bed

with guys?

When Splendid heard this he shouted,

Nicky, that's GROSS!

Toothy replied saying,

No it's not!

If you were gay

I'd shout hooray!!

I am not listening!

And here I'd stay

La la la la la!

But I wouldn't get

in your way.

Aaaah!

You can count on me

to always be

beside you everyday,

to tell you it's okay,

you were just born

that way,

and, as they say,

it's in your DNA

you're gay!!

Splendid couldn't take it anymore and shouted at the top of his lungs,

But I'm not gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toothy stopped and said

If you were gay.

Splendid flew out of the house (breaking the roof in the process) screaming

Argh!!!!

Toothy watched Splendid take off and said to himself "Was it something I said?"