21/11/2014

Years after the completion of Death Note Dreaming, I still receive many comments and messages from people who happily tell me they have read it a dozen times, how much they can relate to certain themes or scenarios, how much my work has impacted them. Every message, whether or not I am able to reply to it, still means so much to me! I still read them and every time, it still brings a smile to my face! Thank you all for your time and dedication to reading something I spent a great deal of time writing so long ago!
I have written and re-written Death Note Dreaming a number of times, editing my hundreds of thousands of mistakes and reformulating silly sub-plots that I never finished. In the end, I continue to delete this edited chapters. I'm not sure whether because the task is huge and daunting, or whether it is simply to honour the rough rock that I originally wrote. I can see now the huge errors I made when formulating my fanfic, but I feel like covering it over with something that is perfected and honed more carefully is doing myself and the people who love the original piece an injustice.
I've written a short, brief piece that is placed just before the ending of Death Note Dreaming, when generally all is well but before L and Light have had children.

This piece is dedicated to the hundreds of people who have approached me about how much they appreciated my fanfic, no matter how rough or impractical it is.

Secondly, this piece is dedicated to a fanfiction user, Isa_Grey who has undertaken the task of translating Death Note Dreaming into Chinese. I am extremely grateful!

Thirdly, this piece is dedicated to my partner who has provided me with endless love and boundless support in all my endeavours. To my devastation, we have discovered he has cancer meaning I am fully getting to understand Light's feelings and fears and have chosen to express myself a little through this short written piece.
I would finally dedicate this to all the people whose lives have been touched by cancer, both the people who have it and those that endure alongside these people, unharmed but not left without battle scars in their hearts. I give you all of my love and support.

I opened my eyes, wondering briefly what time of the morning it was. The way the sun barely peeked through the curtains made me suspect it was still early. I turned my head to take in the sight of L still asleep beside me, face smooth and untarnished by thoughts or worries. His mouth hung slightly open, midnight black hair laying tangled and wild around his moon white skin. L had such a delicate, long nose with such a masculine, strong bridge set by his pale rounded brows. If I was Light Lawliet, with the honey coloured hair that my husband adored and golden skin from long days playing tennis with friends, I was the sun. L Lawliet, pale and dark and mysterious, his dark eyes full of untold stories, his life unwritten and full of experience for someone so young, was the moon. We were opposites, but I loved that.

"What are you watching me for?" L mumbled, his ebony lashes parting slightly to allow his eyes to peer suspiciously at me. I gave an apologetic smile and reached forward to kiss the tip of his cool nose.

"I just woke up," I explained, pushing the blankets back. "You should go back to sleep, it's still early."

L gave me a calculating look but smiled thankfully and settled back to sleep, not before reaching for my hand and entwining his long fingers in mine. I kissed his hand and decided to lay back, so I could study his perfect features a while longer. I noticed age was catching up in the creases between his eyes from endless frowns. I was happy to note that he also had faint lines forming around his perfect mouth from the smiles that I hoped I gave him equally as often.

I wondered about L's life. I knew more about him than anybody, except perhaps Watari who had been his partner or parent for many years of his life. L shared many stories of his professional life with me, and some from his childhood, but somehow, there always seemed more to him, as if there were still so much yet for me to learn about him. He was such a curious person, someone who was not afraid to talk and explain his circumstances to me, but someone who also had a way of saying everything but never revealing anything at all.
I enjoyed long days with L who would work on cases in his office, while I sat nearby studying for my exams. I studied criminology and law at university, determined that I would someday be as brilliant a detective as L. Determined that I would someday surpass him. It pleased me that he still involved me in his current cases sometimes, asking me for my opinion to collaborate with his own musings and deductions. I also wanted to contribute to our household. L supported us easily financially but I knew I would not be happy until I was earning an amount to make us equals in our relationship. I did not want to be looked after. I wanted us to support each other in all ways, both in our daily living and our careers.

I wondered if L would take me overseas one day to help him work on his cases. I knew he would love to do anything with me, but it seemed now that we were married, he was quite content to settle down and remain here with me and work from home. I didn't like to press the issue of spending money frivolously on things such as holidays, but he would never know my desire to travel unless I mentioned something. I would have to bring it up some time. I knew he had been to many countries and I hoped he wouldn't grow bored of seeing them again with me.

I hoped L could stomach travel in the literal sense. His stomach cancer had given him a gaunt look to his ribs and he wasn't quite settled entirely when it came to eating. He had to eat so delicately, even years after his surgery to remove part of his stomach. Stress or eating the wrong thing could easily cause him to throw up. It had come to a point where he'd required some dental work due to the repeated exposure of his teeth to stomach acids. Cancer was frightening on so many levels. I could survive without L having his whole stomach. I could survive if he once again lost all of his beautiful messy hair. I could survive if he still had his cancer. I could not survive living without him, a lost future, all of the potential years we could have together. That was the worst pain.

There was always the everlasting frightening thought of his cancer returning. I once had nightmares about skeletons or monsters in the dark. Now, my bad dreams were filled with the aching pain and loneliness of losing my one true love to this thing that threatened to destroy his body. Cancer was ruthless, it was a force that I could not physically see nor fight. I couldn't protect L at all. The only power I had was ensuring he looked after himself and didn't succumb to the bad days where he felt ill or melancholy. It was my role to kiss his inner desolate demons away, to warm his cold body with my own when he was despondent and sick, to spread a smile on my face when I didn't feel like smiling and hope it was infectious enough to raise his spirits. There was nothing more beautiful than when L smiled back. There was nothing more relieving than seeing L's eyes light up in response. I would always do my best to keep my handsome prince smiling.
It was so painful for me to know that I could not take the threat of L's cancer away, nor could I take it upon myself because I would so easily give my life up for his. I had never imagined I would ever have this depth of love for someone but here I was, determined to give my life up for someone if it meant they had the rest of eternity to live happily and in good health.

I tentatively reached out to brush L's hair back from his face and gave his cheek a loving kiss, content to lay back in bed a little longer with him. I blinked away hot tears, the very acknowledgement of losing him too painful to think about. Mostly I could ignore the fears I had, but it was never far from the back of my mind. I could not bear these thoughts that there was even a slight chance we may not have a future together, that there could be years of my life spent without him. A terrible, frightening possibility that I preferred not to dwell too deeply upon. It reminded me to never waste time, to spend it making powerful, important memories.

The world could wait, time with someone who meant so much to me could not. Memories of our fights and disagreements would fade, memories of happy memories spent together may also be erased, but I was sure...I was determined I would never forget the smell of his hair on a hot day, the warmth of his body in the middle of a cold night, the way he preferred to sit, the way his lips curved upwards into a pleased smile and the sound of his sighs at the end of a long day. The smallest of things, I could never forget.