They called him down because he was in some chick's will, and now he's got some parasite clinging to him and a bundle of forms that came with it tucked under his arm.

This is going to be a legal nightmare to sort out, but today he's already exhausted and the kid won't let go of his freaking hand, and he really just wants to get out of here.

He tries to hail a cab with the hand not in a child's death grip and nearly drops all the forms.

***

"Hi"

"Hello."

"My momma's gone."

"So I heard."

"The policeman said she went far away. Do you think she'll be back soon?"

"…Couldn't say."

"Oh."

Silence. The cab driver looks at them oddly from his mirror and then goes back to being bored. The kid shifts obnoxiously in his seat.

"They said you're my dad."

"I paid child support for five years; I'd better be."

"Huh?"

Barney sighs and drags a hand across his face. "Nothing. Don't worry about it. They're right."

"Okay."

***

"So, I hear you're a father now."

"Yeah. Weird, huh?"

"Should I break out the cigars?"

"Just come help me child-proof my apartment, Scherbatsky."

Barney's not sure why he called her of all people. If anything, she's less suited to this than him. Then again, if he needed someone to help move a body without asking too many questions, he'd pick Robin over Ted any day. He supposed hiding a porn collection and locking up all his valuables was pretty much the same thing.

***

The kid's in the corner staring at his Storm Trooper while he and Robin turn his apartment upside down, because he figures his television will probably kill someone that small. Barney whimpers pathetically as they de-shelve his porn. It's Lily all over again.

"Hey man, this was your idea."

"I know," he sniffs, "but I'm gonna miss them."

"It's just until you figure out how to get the kid off your hands, right? Even you can last that long."

The kid in question wanders in from the living room at that moment, and they both stop and stare.

He looks at the DVDs they're in middle of transferring to a box, tilts his head, and looks back up. "I like Star Wars," he proclaims, "Can we watch it?"

There is a pause before Robin suddenly snorts and starts laughing and Barney gives a little half-grin.

"Hey, maybe Ted can take him in. They can bond over his favorite movie."

***

The last thing they did was convert his couch into a temporary bed for the kid. ("Shouldn't it be the other way around?" "Barney, I think letting a kid sleep in that bed violates some law about corrupting a minor.")

Barney has been asleep for about an hour when a burst of sound comes from outside his bedroom, jolting him awake. He stumbles out of bed and across the room, jerks open the door, and finds his living room flooded with blue light.

The kid is sitting up on the couch, swathed in one of the three t-shirts Barney owns, staring at an infomercial about a food processor displaying on the wall-sized screen.

Barney rubs his eyes and mumbles, "What the hell?" and the kid looks up.

"I can't sleep," he says.

Barney sighs and shuffles over to the couch. "Why not?"

The kid shrugs, all loose and nonchalant, and for one horrifying moment Barney thinks, he gets that from me. "Don't know," the kid says, "I miss my bed."

"Can't help you there," Barney mumbles, stifling a yawn.

"My momma used to tell me a story at nighttime."

Oh God. Barney rolls his eyes and makes a frustrated sound. "Stories, huh?" he says in a strained voice.

The kid nods.

He shakes his head and sits down heavily on the couch. "Okay. Stories. Fine." He can do stories. He runs a hand through his hair and thinks. "All right. There once was a man from a place called Awesometown…"

***

Robin lets herself into his apartment in the morning and immediately covers her mouth to keep from laughing.

Barney is fast asleep on the couch, sprawled out with his head tilted back and his mouth open. The kid is leaning against his side, one hand loosely gripping a handful of his shirt. The TV remote is on the floor by their feet.

Robin bites her lip and quickly pulls out her phone to snap a picture. This is definitely blackmail-worthy. Then she puts her phone away, shuts the door quietly behind her, and goes to see if Barney actually has anything in his fridge today.

Being late to work will be worth it to be here when they wake up.