101 Things I'm not allowed to do to any alchemist, especially the Elric brothers…

1. I will not call Ed short.

2. I will not call Ed "short."

3. Ed is not a halfling.

4. Grandma Rockbell is not a halfling either.

5. I will not sing the element song while around any alchemist.

6. I will not walk around greeting everyone with a "Heil!"

7. I will not announce the love affair between Roy Mustang and Hawk-Eye to the world.

8. I will not play the Song of Storms while fighting with or near the Flame Alchemist.

9. Al is not a trash can and I will not use him as such.

10. I will not send Whinrey a note from Ed that says he needs his automail "polished."

11. I will not tell Ed that Harry Potter already found the Philosopher's Stone… and destroyed it.

12. I will not let Ed meet Harry Potter after I have told him this.

13. I will not replace the red water with red Kool-aid.

14. I will not bring a packet of Kool-aid powder to Ed and tell him that it is pieces of the Philosopher's Stone.

15. I will not tell the Lieutenant Armstrong that he is related to a world-renowned cyclists and the man who walked on the moon.

16. I will not teleport a pack of rabid fan-girls to Ed's room.

17. I will not steal Ed's arm and send it on eBay.

18. I will not sell his leg either.

19. I will never make the statement that chemistry is better than alchemy.

20. I will not try to kill the Fuer through Operation: Valkyire.

21. The Ishbalans are not Jewish.

22. I will not teleport Anne Frank to Full Metal Alchemist World.

23. I will not bring Ed to my chemistry class.

24. I will not put Ed inside of Al.

25. I will not cheat at cards by alchemically changing them.

26. The red eyes of Ishbalans does not make them albino.

27. Ed's last name is not Cullen.

28. I will not call the Philosopher's Stone the Sorcerer's Stone because it is "politically correct."

29. I will not ask to see Lieutenant Hughes' daughter.

30. I will not tell the Elric brothers that their mom is really a vampire.

31. I will not tell Ed and Al that their father is really Roy Mustang.

32. Mustang is not part horse or part car.

33. The Philosopher's Stone is not the Orb and Garion does not have it.

34. Ed does not have a short-person complex and it not trying to make up for it like Napoleon did.

35. I will not talk in a German accent.

36. I will not call Colonel Mustang Colonel Mustard.

37. Scar was not an evil lion in a past life.

38. I will not refer to the State and everyone involved therein as Nazis.

39. When Ed puts his hands together to use alchemy he is not doing the Transmutation-no-jutsu.

40. He is not praying either.

41. I will not call Edward Elric the Bionic Man.

42. I will not ask Lieutenant Armstrong to sing "Macho, Macho, Man!"

43. I will not pay Whinrey to make me a Transformer.

44. I will not cut off Ed's braid and give it Locks of Love.

45. I will not attempt to make hard candy out of the Philosopher's Stone.

46. I will not lift the Philosopher's Stone above my head and say "I got twenty rupees!"

47. I will not bring a necromancer to meet any state alchemist.

48. I will not follow Mustang around singing "Burn, Baby, Burn!"

49. Hawk-Eye was never in a show called *M*A*S*H* and I will not insist that she was.

50. I will not tell Ed that if he drinks a gallon of milk I will give him the Philosopher's Stone.

51. I will not attach a soul to Ed's arm or leg.

52. Al is not a refrigerator and therefore does not need magnets and pictures hanging all over him.

53. There is no shirt Lieutenant Armstrong cannot break out of and I will not try to create one.

54. I will not tell Al that in a parallel universe he is Mandorallen.

55. I will not ambush Ed in the shower with a camera and put the pictures I take on the Internet.

56. Alchemy does not solve all the world's problems.

57. I will not introduce Edward Elric to the Catholic Church.

58. I will not tell Ed he needs to give blood.

59. I will never sing the song "Seven Deadly Sins."

60. A group called the Seven Holy Virtues would not be cool.

61. I will not tell Ed that he has Arian Superiority.

62. I will not draw a pentagram and make it a transmutation circle.

63. I will not do this for the Triforce either.

64. I will not short circuit Ed's limbs so he cannot stop doing the Macarena.

65. The anarchy symbol is not a transmutation circle.

66. I will not bury a magnet in the ground so that when Ed steps over it he gets stuck.

67. Ed is not a munchkin.

68. Whinrey is not the ultimate techie.

69. I will not play keep-away with Al's head.

70. Just because Ed's automail shines in the sun does not make him a vampire.

71. His fascination with red liquid does not mean this either.

72. I will not steal the Fuer's office supplies.

73. I will not start a rumor that Ed has an automail penis.

74. I will not ask Whinrey to confirm this.

75. Sloth is not the reincarnation of Shikamaru.

76. I will not steal Lieutenant Armstrong's purple shinnies.

77. I will not use flash paper to imitate Colonel Mustang.

78. I will not yell "fire-style-no-jutsu" whenever Mustang uses an attack.

79. I will not commit arson and blame it on Colonel Mustang.

80. I will not ask the Crimson Alchemist to create fireworks.

81. I will not say "your mom" jokes around Ed and Al.

82. I will not draw strange symbols on my arm and say that I am related to Scar.

83. I will not ask why Scar has an X on his forehead.

84. Just because Ed's symbol has a cross in it does not mean he is religious.

85. There is no incestual yaoi relationship between Ed and Al.

86. Laboratory 5 is not a concentration camp.

87. I will not create a chimera that speaks only in riddles.

88. I will not tell Mustang he got a promotion and then say "April Fools!"

89. Fuer Bradley is not related to a lady who makes purses.

90. Just because Ed's teacher coughs up blood does not make her a vampire.

91. Every alchemist has his secrets and I will not use telepathy to figure them all out.

92. I will not then post these secrets on the Internet.

93. My chemistry teacher is not secretly a state alchemist.

94. Alchemy is not just for blowing things up.

95. I will not invoke the Law of Equivalent Exchange to an alchemist after I have insinuated that something happened last night.

96. I will not look up the Latin meaning of the word homunculus.

97. I will not steal any alchemist pocket watch and give it to Whinrey.

98. I will not use the military's private line to make prank calls.

99. I will not make most of these calls to Colonel Mustang.

100. Lust is not a woman of the oldest profession.

101. I will not encode my alchemic journal in a list of things not to do to any state alchemist.