Title: Karma Hates Me

Author: Byakushi1

Pairings: Sora/Riku if you squint. Under a miscroscope (mainly Sephy-centric though). However, I will put it under Sora/Riku, instead of Sora/Sephiroth (even though those two are the main characters), since people might get the wrong idea and think they're paired up, which they aren't.

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy VII. If I did, I would be the happiest yaoi fangirl among the other 10 million out there, and Sora would be subjected to the same treatment he gave Organization XIII (see how he likes being bashed over the head with a blunt object).

Summary: After being roped into working at the Olympus Coliseum, Sephiroth encounters a strangely familiar hairstyle. Too bad it's not Cloud, but traumatising Keyblade masters is pretty fun too. Mild Soriku

This was not what he'd signed up for.

One would think that, by now, he would be used to dying, especially at the hands of one particular swordsman. This, however, was not the case. Which probably explained why he has an intense loathing of blond, Buster sword wielding chocobos.

Sephiroth was just killed again by Cloud. This time though, instead of coming right back to life (because apparantly he was supposed to be the manifestation of the darkness in Cloud's heart so he can't die as long as Cloud's alive), his soul was sent spiraling into the Underworld, where Hades punished him for his sins by forcing him to be Cerberus' keeper.

Sephiroth despised dogs. Normal ones were bad enough, but ones the size of skyscrapers that left droppings bigger than he was?

He's had pleasanter images, thank you very much.

Sephiroth was absolutely sick of cleaning after the giant three-headed dog, so when the satyr (what was his name? Philip? Philippus? Philoctetes? Phil's easiest, so we'll just go with that) appeared in the Underworld, offering him a job at the Olympus Coliseum, he had taken it immediately. Anything was better than being a human pooper scooper for Hades' mangy mutt 24/7.

Now, he regreted not staying in the Underworld, even if it meant being the temperamental god of death's slave for the rest of eternity.

Sure, the room Sephiroth stayed in was a lot more luxerious than the barracks he had to share when he was still in SOLDIER. The food was actually edible, and he was alive. However, as usual, he had failed to read the fine print when he signed Phil's contract. Any employee at the Olympus Coliseum will remain as such until they're beaten by a contestant. Then, they may choose to whether to stay or resign. Employees may NOT lose on purpose. Well, there went his plan, right out the window.

From the feared ex-General of SOLDIER, to a petsitter, to a punching bag.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

"Oi, Number 7!" An irritating bleat shattered Sephiroth's musings. Strapping on Masamune, he swept a hand through his long silky white-silver locks and headed out the door.

"Remember, pray that it's Cloud, or we'll never get out of here! I have a very busy schedule and we still need to take over the planet!" Jenova hissed in his mind.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Yes, Mother," he grumbled sullenly. Giving Hercules an annoyed stare, Sephiroth halted in front of Phil, qualling a sudden urge to squish the short (abeit pudgy) satyr. Instead, he settled for his darkest, most evil I'm-going-to-kill-you-so-be-afraid-and-run-away glare that he had often directed at Cloud and his posse.

Phil flapped his hand impatiently and spoke in an unusually deep voice for such a little guy, "Alright, your next opponent's some wannabe-hero named Sora. Well, he's not half-bad; even beat Herc. But you - two words, kid," -here Sephiroth's glower intensified, and he inched his hand towards Masamune's hilt- "You ain't goin' to win."

An icy wind blasted through the room, dropping the temperature by quite a few degrees, and a murderous aura that just screamed, touch-my-aura-and-die, radiated from Sephiroth. Hercules chuckled nervously and bolted out the door, abandoning Phil to a homicidal serial killer who wanted nothing more than to forcibly extract said satyr's esophagus through his nose and strangle him with it.

Sephiroth saw red. Specifically, Phil's blood and guts splattered all over the walls. "Deep breaths," Jenova instructed. "Remember what that Zen master said. Count to ten; now say it with me. Ommmmm..." Sephiroth snorted but obeyed, chanting it under his breath, and within a few minutes was calm enough to refrain from giving the walls a new makeover. "There, that wasn't so bad, hm?" Jenova beamed. "Try to keep that temper of yours under control, my son. You can kill him later, after we take over the world."

"You're crazy," Sephiroth deadpanned.

"Says the psycho with a messiah complex who talks to voices in his head. Quote- 'I am the chosen one. I have been chosen to be the leader of this Planet.' Riiight."

The silver haired swordsman rolled his eyes and stalked into the portal that would transport him the arena, muttering about how it was all Jenova's fault the world thinks he's insane. Inside the portal it was eerily silent, when suddenly the wind picked up, and out of nowhere, the 'One Winged Angel' started blasting at full volume.

Despite the fact that he had a fetish for dramatic entrances, never mind that he'd probably done this a million times before, the next part still managed to catch him by surprise.

With only nano seconds notice, Sephiroth only had time to let out a strangled screech as the ground dropped from underneath his feet and he plunged through the air in a beam of light. Spiraling downwards, his legendary reflexes kicked into action and he flapped out his sole wing furiously, trying to break his fall.

Not the best idea.

With an intelligent, "Oh fu-" he crashed facefirst into the hard ground, his wing flattened beneath him. Thank Gaia the light was still there, shielding him from further humiliation. Wincing, he slowly crawled back onto his feet, and the light disappeared. "Well, at least that wasn't as bad as last time," Sephiroth remarked to Jenova, shuddering at the memory. "I never knew a whole nest of Heartless resided right under the arena."

"You idiot!" Jenova cried, ignoring his comments. "Look behind you!" Sephiroth languidly stretched out his wing, shaking it a little to get the feeling back, and turned around, emerald cat-like eyes searching the arena, before coming to a rest on his opponent.

Sephiroth choked on his own spit; his eyes widened imperceptibly. It was Cloud! Jenova banged invisible fists in his mind, howling, "Get that little bastard! Mustkillmustkillmustkill..." The rest of her words blended together until it was one loud shriek and echoed in his head, giving him a horrible headache.

''Shut up, woman!'' he roared, banging his head against the invisible force fields that encaged the area, heedless of the startled looks the kid was directing at him. A few more rounds of headbashing, Jenova's voice finally gave out and she fell silent, to his immense relief. Reveling in the silence, Sephiroth twitched at a sudden noise and whirled around, eyes wild and slitted pupils mere pinpricks of black. It was not until then he finally got a good look at his opponent; he nearly cried with disappointment. It wasn't Cloud. He looked a lot like the object of Sephiroth's misery, though.

The new kid was a brunet, though with the same spiky out-of-control chocobo hairstyle as Sephiroth's nemesis. With a cocky smirk and big blue eyes that looked like they were surgically removed from a certain blond swordsman and shoved into his own head, the brat was a miniature Cloud-clone, and the last thing Sephiroth needed was more Clouds running around when one was enough to give him an everlasting migraine for the rest of his life.

Ah well, then it won't matter if the kid dies, since no one (besides Cloud, but Sephiroth's pride prevented him from mentioning that) can defeat the almighty ex-General, 1st Class SOLDIER of Shinra.

Sephiroth checked his notes. "Let's see here. Says you're on level 71. Tch," he scoffed, tossing the cards aside. "What kind of a weakling does that goat think I am, assuming I can be taken out by some snotty-nosed, wet-behind-the-ears toddler." He raised his index finger. "One hit. That's all I need to beat you, runt."

The kid scowled ferociously. "My name's Sora, not runt, old man!"

The newly dubbed 'old man' flipped his long hair over his shoulder petulantly and huffed, "Old man? Why you little- for your information, it's silver, not gray. Get it in your thick skull, runt."

Sora waved around his strange key-shaped weapon in a weak attempt at intimidation. A strange charm hanging on the end of the hilt caught Sephiroth's eye. It was...a...chocobo! The ex-General's mouth flopped open and he let out an undignified squawk, immediately looking horrified that his traitorous vocal cords could emit such an un-Sephiroth-like sound.

"Hey, old man!" Sora tapped his ridiculously big yellow shoes against the ground, leaning on his Keyblade. "Are we gonna fight, or what? I want the One Winged Angel!"

Sephiroth grimaced and threw the music player containing his theme song at the Keyblade Master. "And here you have it. Enjoy."

Sora whacked the object in mid-air, causing it to explode into flames. "Not that one! The new Keyblade that I get if I defeat you, ol-" he was cut off as Sephiroth flew at him, an insane light shining in his eyes.

"You killed my ipod!" Sephiroth screeched, wildly swinging his seven-foot long sword, trying to chop off the boy's head. "I spent years saving up my pay until I finally got one, and you just destroyed it in one hit! I'll kill you! And after I do that, I'll bring you back to life, then I'll slay, murder, exterminate, annihilate, and decimate your ass into oblivion!"

-An hour later-

"Ugh..." Sephiroth moaned, his movements sluggish and sloppy. "So...tired..." He collapsed in a boneless heap, exhausted.

"Get up, you pansy!" Jenova scolded. "This is no time to be lying around! Hurry up and kill that brat!"

"Easy for you to say," he retorted. "Why don't you take over my body and let's see then how you like it."

"If you talk to me with that attitude again, young man, maybe I will.'

Sephiroth snapped his mouth shut and death-glared Sora, who didn't look any worse for the wear. "Getting too old to fight?" Sora taunted, bouncing just out of the reach of Masamune. Sephiroth snarled at the boy and struggled to his feet, racking his brain for a solution to beat the demented monkey dancing in front of him. Slowly, an evil grin spread across his angelic features, contorting it until he vaguely resembled Hojo.

"Oh, Soraaa," he chirped in a singsong voice. "Look who's here!" With a fancy flourish, he swept an identical doppelgänger of Riku from out behind his back, complete with the slouched back and brooding scowl.

"Riku!" Sora cried, disbelief etched onto his childish features. "What are you doing with that bastard over there?"

"Sora, I hate you. Go die," was the response from the Riku Replica. Sephiroth snickered at Sora's utterly betrayed expression. 'This is better than a soap opera,' he commented to Jenova, who was watching the scene with rapt attention.

"Riku, what are you saying?!"

"You care more about Kairi anyways, so just leave me alone in the darkness."

"Noooo!!! Riku, I love you! Come back with me into the light!"

"Shut up! You're just saying that to trick me!"

Tears streamed down Sora's face; his hand stretched out in a desperate attempt to reach the fake Riku. Sephiroth smoothly stepped up to the distressed-into-obliviousness brunet and dealt him a devastating blow to the back of his skull. Sora's eyes rolled back in his head and he crumpled to the ground. The silver haired man snapped his fingers; Riku Replica disappeared in a flurry of shadows.

"Well," Sephiroth drawled, nudging the motionless body with his boot-covered foot. "That was just too easy." Tossing his hair smugly, he turned tail and started to walk back to the portal, when a sudden realization struck him.

"Wait. Did I just win?"

"Yes, smart one. You just beat that poor boy black and blue and ruined our chances of getting the hell outta here!"

"Oh, shit."

Yes, as usual, this was written by only one person, which explains the absolute horribleness of the whole story. Ah well.

-Authoress #1

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