Title: Lazy Man

Artist/Author: KivaEmber

Character(s)/Pairing(s): Ichigo KurosakixStark, Hichigo Shirosaki

Rating: T

Warning: Fluff, randomness, stupidity, misuse of a wooden spoon, AU themes, slight implied homosexual themes and a shitload of swearing.

Prompt: Wooden spoon and spanking

Summary: Very slightly implied StarkxIchigo. It was just a simple trip to the supermarket involving an uptight redhead and the laziest man on Earth. Request fic by TropicaIna.

A/N: This was a request from TropicaIna, and I'm a little late. I had to read up on Stark since I'm not that far in the manga yet :P But, I got round to it eventually…

Anyways, fluff was a necessity in this, but it's more humour and Ichi being portrayed as a 40 year old mother having a bad day (I fail, lol, being reading Growing Up Cullen). Well, hope y'all enjoy this anyway.

X.x.X

"Even child molesters have friends! Granted…they're also child molesters but they go out for lunch…or something."

--- American Dad

X.x.X

LAZY MAN

Stark could tell you everything about Ichigo's sofa. Like how it smells, or what's the most comfortable position on it, or which springs are broken or the materials used to construct said furniture.

He could also say it wasn't the most pleasant looking of sofas, but it served its purpose as Stark's second bed gracefully and without complaint. So the dark haired man overlooked the gaudy, Victorian style pattern on the threadbare fabric and the bright orange pillows. It was a two-seater sofa, large enough to lie on but short enough so that Stark's legs hung over the arm of the sofa, albeit comfortably.

In short, it was an alright pseudo-bed, good even.

Ichigo always complained about the horrible looking furniture and Shiro's choice in pillow cases, or more specifically, Stark constantly sleeping on said ugly sofa. But he never put much into banishing Stark from his apartment because it was, and Stark quoted, 'too much fucking effort to throw out that lazy moocher'.

Stark didn't bother protesting against it. It was kinda true.

After all, it had been over six months since he had last been to work at Esparda Corp. and hadn't done anything productive since he was born. One would wonder why Stark hadn't been fired if he had done a six month AWOL from his place of work, but his boss Aizen was a very strange man and seemed to be amused by Stark's tardiness and lack of productivity. Stark only needed Ulquiorra to drop by either Ichigo and Shiro's apartment or his house (which he hadn't visit in over three months) to report to Aizen that he was still alive and hadn't stopped breathing because it was too much work.

(Shiro, in fact, used that excuse to occasionally poke Stark awake, just check if he was 'alive')

However, today, Stark was not on his beloved but hideous sofa, sleeping. No, instead he had been usurped from his near permanent bed by Shiro, Ichigo's insane, albino roommate who had a fondness of being just as lazy as him and spending long stints on the PS3 or Xbox or whatever console he felt like playing that day.

Shiro was taking up more space than necessary, boxes of cookies and popcorn and other junk food swallowing up the rest of the sofa where Stark could've squeezed in for a two minute nap. It was too much effort to try and coax the albino from the sofa though, especially since he was playing LittleBigPlanet. Stark didn't know what the game was about but Shiro always made cute growling noises when he played, convinced he was a lion so he didn't bother to ask lest he get bitten or something.

So Stark slouched against the doorframe, successfully falling into a doze until Shiro randomly blurted out, "I had a nightmare 'bout cookies."

Not really interested Stark mumbled out a vague reply.

"They enslaved th' Earth an' then made everyone work in their hazelnut mines." Shiro cut off his spontaneous tale by giving a childish whine and upsetting a bucket of popcorn onto the floor. Ichigo was bound to throw a fit afterwards. "Stupid Wildebeests! Anyway, anyway, anyway! I dunno how they enslaved mankind though, 'coz they didn' have any arms or legs, bu' it was still horrible 'coz they ate people. Chocolate chips everywhere, man." As if to prove something Shiro viciously munched on a cookie, growling. "Nyom nyom nyom, but I eat them! Ahahahaaha!"

Stark, far too used to Shiro, mumbled again. "Oh, how nice." Eyeing the space that had previously been occupied by the bucket of popcorn now on the floor, the lazy man tromped towards the ugly sofa and flopped down with a sigh. Something was poking into his kidneys, but that was alright, he could sleep through it.

"Oh, Shiro!" Stark faintly heard Ichigo groan just when he was about to drift off. "Not again. Didn't I tell you to do this round Grimmjow's? He doesn't care if you have all this shit on the floor!"

"Nooooooo!" Shiro whined, squirming around and elbowing Stark in the ribs. The dark haired man grunted and slouched down on the sofa. "Grimmjow's place smells like kitty litter! He's a bad crazy cat man! Bad, bad, baaaaad~!" A pause. "Plus he doesn' have LittleBigPlanet."

"For the love of- When I get back from the supermarket I don't want to see popcorn crushed into the carpet, so clean it up!" Ichigo barked, practically stomping across the room. "One of these days I'm going to fucking kill you, Shiro, and I'll laugh!"

"Rawr! Ya can' kill me! I am Shiro~!" Then Stark heard the albino giggle insanely, going into lion-mode and growling at the television.

Ichigo made a frustrated noise, and Stark was startled back into full awareness when the redhead viciously kicked his shin. "Oi! Freeloader! Get the fuck up we're going out!"

"Now?"

"Yes! Now! Get up before Shiro starts gnawing on you or something."

Stark sighed and heaved himself up with such exaggeration it was as if the dark haired man was attempting to pull both him and the very foundations of the apartment building up.

Ichigo, bored with this, dragged Stark the rest of the way up by the front of his shirt and bodily pulled him towards the door. "Remember, Shiro! Clean!"

"Only gays and housewives clean!"

"Then that means you definitely can do it, retard!"

X.x.X

Thankfully Stark didn't have to walk to the supermarket. Ichigo got tired having to mostly support the eternally lazy man's weight and caught the bus, paying for Stark's fare with an irritated glare. Stark was unaffected and stole a ten minute nap.

Heavy traffic was good for something.

X.x.X

Stark hated the supermarket if only because every time he was there, they played that godforsaken ditty over and over again on loop.

Plus, it was always so busy that he couldn't just slouch into the joined on café and sleep at one of the tables. He tried a few times, but one of the employees would prod him awake and make him shuffle back into the supermarket – it had gotten to the point where they didn't allow him in the café unless he paid for something.

At least he could lean on the handlebar of the trolley and fall into a mindless doze while Ichigo shopped.

"-ed some more snacks because of Shiro the bottomless pit-"

Stark yawned and mumbled an answer, happily using the handlebar of the trolley as a pseudo-pillow. Sure, he was going to have an imprint of the supermarket's slogan on his cheek but he would be able to sneak in a few extra minutes of nap time. It was a sacrifice he was willing to take.

But once again, he was thwarted from drifting happily into dreamland by something hard smacking him atop of his head. He didn't jerk in surprise or cry out; instead he raised his head with deliberate slowness and blinked at the wooden spoon centimetres from his nose.

He went cross eyed.

"Do you ever listen to me?" Ichigo sighed irritably, poking the lazy man on the nose with the wooden spoon he had picked up from the shelf.

"Bits and pieces." Stark admitted honestly, eyes drooping as his propped his cheek on his hand. "I've learned to tune you out."

Ichigo scowled and smacked Stark on the head once more with the spoon. Stark wondered if the redhead was going to actually buy that for the sole purpose of bullying him to do things. "Lazy bastard moocher."

"Mmm."

"Why do I even let you hang around my house?" Ichigo continued to rant, grabbing the front of the trolley and jerking it forward. Stark hastily stumbled forward before he fell flat on his face. "You eat my food, you sleep on my couch, and you don't do any cleaning! You're like an ugly vase that got shoved onto me and I can't get rid of!"

"Mmm."

"Ugh!" Ichigo scowled viciously at the completely dispassionate man. "You're more annoying then Shiro, sometimes."

"Possibly."

Ichigo muttered under his breath and stopped dragging the trolley in the frozen food aisle. Stark relaxed fully over the handlebar of the trolley again, thinking he had won and could finally snatch a few minutes of sleep before he felt a quickly becoming familiar hardness smack him again.

On his rump.

Huh?

It was strange enough that Stark willingly raised his head to look behind him where he saw Ichigo fishing around in the cooler. He shrugged it off as an accident and lowered his head again.

Thwack.

Stark grunted, and looked over his shoulder again. He blinked when he met Ichigo's unusually mischievous amber eyes and got another thwack on his ass with the wooden spoon.

"Actually look like you're alive, Stark." Ichigo smirked, walking past the lazy man and depositing a frozen package into the trolley. He twirled the wooden spoon deftly between his fingers as he began walking forwards.

Stark absently rubbed his abused rump. Ichigo had actually hit it hard enough to tingle a little. "I didn't know you liked that sort of thing." He mused absently, trundling the trolley forwards after Ichigo.

Ichigo made a weird noise and he sent a withering glare over his shoulder at Stark – though his cheeks were red with a cute blush. "S-Shut up! You know I'm not into that kind of thing!"

"Mmhm."

"Don't give me that look, moocher!"

"Mmm."

"Don't go to sleep-! Ugh, you're so annoying, lazy bastard."

"Mmm."

"…Idiot."

OWARI