DISCLAIMER: THESE CHARACTERS ARE OOC TO THE MAX!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

ALSO WE DON'T OWN TWILIGHT ECT ETC BLAH BLAH BLAH.

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY MYSELF AND CANDYAPPLEBLACK.

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TWILULZ

ACT ONE: MEET THE CULLENS

Fade in to Carlisle's office:

ESME: Carlisle, are you going to get off the computer anytime soon? You've been on it since 6pm last night.

CARLISLE: Hold on Es. I'm about to pwn this noob at a level 23. I'm a 94 Mage. It's going to be epic.

ESME: Do you realize how idiotic you sound?

She couldn't believe Carlisle was playing an online RPG. The man was supposed to be a doctor.

CARLISLE: That's right bitch I PWND YOU. CARLIZZLE HAS FUCKED UP YOUR SHIT. PWND BITCH. PWND. Did you see that Es? I totally fucked that noob elf's shit up. Carlisle beamed with pride.

ESME: Yeah … great …

It was her only response as she walked away rolling her eyes.

*

Upstairs, in Edward's room:

Edward is trying to knit a sleeper for the baby that's on its way. He's not very good at it. There is a pile of failed dishcloths to his left.

EDWARD: Where… is… my… pink… YARN! … EMMETT!!

From downstairs:

EMMETT: WHAT!?

EDWARD: MY YARN! WHERE IS IT!?

JASPER: *muffled snicker*

EMMETT: I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR STUPID YARN IS!

EDWARD: Well SOMEONE took it!

JASPER: *in between giggles* Maybe Carlizzle pwned it... *giggle* fo shizzle…

EMMETT: *loud guffaw*

Edward shakes his head and continues to knit WITHOUT his pink yarn.

JASPER: What DID you do with that yarn, Em?

EMMETT: I buried it… In Esme's garden…

JASPER: *muffled snicker*

Jasper holds up a little baggie; makes a chagrined face. The small bag appears to be empty.

EMMETT: Un minut, mi amigo.

Emmett reaches into his pocket, pulls out a larger baggie. Jasper's eyes grow wide with delight.

JASPER: *trembling with joy* I love you, man.

EMMETT: It's medicinal. Guess where I got it?

He dangles it in front of Jasper's face.

JASPER: Duuude. Dad's been holding out.

EMMETT: Let's spark a bowl!

They proceed to get retarded.

Rosalie comes down the stairs, wearing a pair of white Capri pants and a white jacket.

JASPER: Whoa. *cough, cough* You have a faaat aaaass.

ROSALIE: No I don't!

JASPER: Yes you do!

ROSALIE: Emmett?

He stammers for a moment, and then shrugs his shoulders.

EMMETT: Uhhmm.. White's not your, uh.. Color?

ROSALIE: *Looks horrified and insulted. Oh you are so on the couch tonight! *Storms off in a huff*

JASPER: *snorts in laughter and takes another hit*

EMMETT: Oh well. Not like she was going to put out anyway. Frigid bitch.

Rosalie storms back in the room.

ROSALIE: Are you two doing drugs?

JASPER: *exhales a loud cloud of smoke; coughs* …No…

EMMETT: *loud guffaw* You gonna tell *makes bunny ears with his fingers* "mom" on us?

Rosalie emits a noise of disgust, throwing her arms in the air.

ROSALIE: I can't believe you two! What do you think Alice is going to say, *in a harsh tone* JASPER?

JASPER: That your ass is fat?

Both boys begin to laugh hysterically, and topple to the floor. Rosalie storms off muttering something about her stupid husband and retarded brother.

*

Back in Edward's room, Edward is proudly showing Bella the sleeper that he knitted for the baby.

EDWARD: What do you think honey? Isn't it cute?

The sleeper is half pink, half mustard-yellow; one arm is longer than the other; and there is an extra foot. On the rear.

BELLA: *at a loss for words, but not in a good way* Why… why does it have a tail?

EDWARD: It doesn't! It… *notices; looks chagrined* Oh…

Bella takes his hand and gives it a squeeze.

BELLA: C'mon. maybe we can fix it.

Edward smiles warmly at her and follows.

*

Alice is sitting on her bed, flipping through pages of a Sears catalogue and dog-earing the things she would like to buy. She is listening to 'Shoes' by Liam Kyle Sullivan.

ALICE: *singing* Shoes. Let's get some shoes. Omigod, shoes. SHOES.

She hears a knock at the door.

ALICE: Coming!

She opens the door to find Bella and Edward. She looks down at the monstrosity in Edward's hands. She tries not to laugh.

ALICE: Oh my god, what happened here?

Edward hangs his head and looks like he's about to cry.

BELLA: Well, can you help it?

ALICE: Well. *takes it* I'll see what I can do! *pauses* Why does it have a tail?

Edward starts to cry. Bella comforts him.

*

Esme is about to leave for her book club meeting. She hollers goodbye, only to be responded to by a fit of giggles and coughs from the bathroom, Carlisle shouting at the computer, and Edward's faint whimper.

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A/N: Thanks for reading! Comments are love :)