"Oh, Edward!" Bella cried, waving her arms from outside the house, "Come outside and sit by this tree with me!" She was quite a sight, not really being a fully-fleshed out character on her own, but being completely comprised of whatever twelve-year-old girls wanted to project onto her. Really, it was quite hideous. Anyway, plain girl, kind of clumsy. Ignore the horrible, monstrosity that's really there. Normal girl.

Edward, not wanting to disappoint the fangirls, I mean, ehem, Bella, happily walked outside into the bright glaring sun and burst into flames after just a few seconds. He screamed and ran around as his blood boiled and his charred flesh fell off in chunks. When he finally was destroyed, Bella stared at his corpse in horror for hours before she realized that real vampires don't sparkle in the sun. They die in the sun. What a terrible mistake she had made.

The end.